


An Inflection Forever Colored

by FanaticeIllabantur



Category: The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alternate Universe, Eventual Smut, Gen, Inspired by Novel, Inspired by film, M/M, Malec, Other Ships Not Mentioned in Tags, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Soulmates, Summer, There are many other characters in this fic but I do not want to overwhelm the tag box, switching POV
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-21
Updated: 2019-03-20
Packaged: 2019-04-24 15:35:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 44
Words: 183,371
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14358432
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FanaticeIllabantur/pseuds/FanaticeIllabantur
Summary: During a summer in Italy, Alec Lightwood finds himself confused and enamoured with one of the guests, Magnus Bane, who comes to stay at their villa.





	1. Dawn

**Author's Note:**

> This is going to come out a while after I’ve seen the film and read the book, but the inspiration for this was from the adaptation of “Call Me by Your Name”, which has really become one of my favourite films of all time. I absolutely fell in love with it and Armie and Timothée and Luca’s film and absolutely everything about it. I could only ever dream of creating something as beautiful, and in my feeble attempt to show my adoration, I have written this. I wanted to do something to pour out my love for this creation, as a sort of homage to it, and this is where I found myself. I truly hope you all enjoy it and that, if you adore the film and the book as much as I have grown to, then perhaps this can be some sort of devotion to Elio and Oliver’s beautiful story. Thank you for reading this clumsy attempt at trying to express myself in words, and I hope you enjoy the story x

> “They are embossed on every song that was a hit that summer, in every novel I read during and after his stay, on anything from the smell of rosemary on hot days to the frantic rattle of the cicadas in the afternoon—smells and sounds I’d grown up with and known every year of my life until then but that had suddenly turned on me and acquired an inflection forever colored by the events of that summer.”  
>  ― André Aciman, _Call Me by Your Name_

Six weeks could be a long time. Although there were a thousand things you wanted to do when your time was occupied, having time that was no longer occupied could be baffling, and you might find that those things you had wanted to do when you were busy now no longer interested you one bit because you were free to do them.

This was Alec’s dilemma each year he and the rest of his family summered in their villa in Italy. His parents were scholars and they joined their children on their break, bringing them to Italy each year. The days were hot, the occasional storms were exciting, the people were friendly and had grown to know the Lightwoods well, and their villa was as beautiful as any. It was just the days that might grow long.

Each summer, his parents would invite a group of young travellers into their home, offering them refuge and work if they so wished. If they worked in their orchard, helped his parents work in their studies and research, they did not have to pay their way for the summer, and if they decided they wanted a vacation, they had to pay for their stay. Most of the time, they offered to work.

Alec had been used to the routine for almost fifteen years now, his brother and sister having known it their entire lives. It was something he had long grown used to, the people he would not know at all coming into his summer home until they became people he knew perfectly and then they left. Most of them kept in correspondence, most of them sent gifts and letters regularly, they often sent birthday presents to each of the family members, and the Lightwoods would respond every time, remembering them all.

They became a part of the family each summer, free to roam, free to stay, the house theirs. The little town in Italy was usually only filled with locals and the occasional tourists who wanted somewhere more intimate to go. The travellers who came through would get something in this town they wouldn’t get anywhere else; it was always intimate, it was always special, and it always left them knowing more about themselves than they did when they arrived.

His father always arrived before his children, their mother staying there through the entire year, never returning to the States anymore, and Alec, Izzy, and Max were sat on the train into their little town for they had no airport anywhere near. The train itself was old and Alec had ridden it more times than he could count. Their stop was the last stop, so Alec could take the travel time to just watch.

The summer was already here when they arrived, though it was only just beginning and the days would get much hotter. Alec had only spent two of his summers in New York, and they had been when he was born and the year after. Now he spent them in Italy and had to take people’s word about what they were like when he got back to school once their Italian summer had passed. It seemed like forever until school would begin. Not that Alec was particularly wishing for it, just that summers could either last a second or a lifetime. He wondered which this would be.

Passing the stop before their last, Alec pulled down the window in their compartment. The smell of the sea hit him, salt filling his lungs as he closed his eyes and sighed. This was his home away from home. Everything about it was familiar and, each time he went away, when he came back, it felt like no time had passed at all.

Though, each year, there was something different for there would be a different group of people living with them for the summer. The least they had for the six weeks had been three, and the most they had had was six. This year, it was going to be five. When it had been six, the house had felt so incredibly full, Alec almost felt like he was suffocating and yet, when they had left, the house had felt emptier than ever. The laughter and chatter that had filled the house for those weeks made everything feel sickeningly silent, and Alec couldn’t wait to leave so the villa didn’t feel like it was suffocating in a different way; from the silence that was choking him.

Some of them, or, in reality, almost all of them, Alec got attached to, which was one of his biggest problems. He grew attached to anyone who showed him any sort of kindness or affection. Most of the time, as the eldest son of the people who were lending them their home, they showed Alec a lot of attention and were interested in him. He had been told how precocious he was with his piano, violin, guitar, and music theory skills, how knowing five languages at his age was incredible, how interesting his life must be with all the travelling he got to do.

His parents, being the intelligent scholars they were, insisted on Alec knowing everything about everything. At the age of four, he had been playing sonatas on the piano and impressing Benedict, Edmund, and Tatianna who had come to stay that year. At the age of eight, he had been playing the violin and speaking Italian and French fluently and impressing Bat, Maia, Ralf, and Alaric who had been there that year. At the age of eleven, he had been strumming easily at his guitar whilst singing in German for Stephen, Amatis, and Arabella who would always be happy to listen. At the age of fifteen, he had been teaching Woolsey how to pronounce certain Korean letters though their pronunciation was vastly different to the English they had grown up pronouncing, before he had started playing Korean songs for them.

He was aware he knew a lot of things and felt the need to show people he knew things, not in a way that bragged or in a way that might show arrogance. That was why he would only ever play the piano or talk in German if he was asked to or required to. He always wanted to impress people, but he never wanted anyone to feel like he was forcing them to know what things he knew. Sometimes, it was difficult being Alexander Lightwood.

This year, he would be trying to impress, though without forcing himself upon the others to show it, a woman named Tessa, and four men named Jem, Will, Jace, and Magnus. He usually found the women easier to impress, finding most of the men difficult to talk to, particularly as he got older. Usually, it was other way around, and the apprehension he had felt when he was younger was meant to get better, but it had grown somewhat worse. It wasn’t that he wasn’t confident, he had performed on stage for hundreds with his musical prowess. It was something else. His confidence allowed him to talk to most women and a few men, but he found men confusing and intimidating, though he didn’t know what to call that.

It was that he often wanted to impress some of the men who came to their house more than anyone else. Perhaps so he might show them he was a man as well, that he had skills and that he could be a part of their world, though it might also be something else as well, something he couldn’t name. He felt an undying need to show off around them, though this had only started when he was about fourteen.

The guests when he had been fourteen were Meliorn, Hodge, and Raphael. He had matured an awful lot from the year before and desperately wanted to be a part of the adult conversations. So often, he was sat with his sister and his brother, at the “kid’s table”, though that was more metaphorical than physical. That year, with Meliorn piquing his interest and desperately wanting to please him, though not sure why, Alec had asked to sit at the “adult’s table” side. Meliorn had asked him questions that Alec answered, and he had watched him eat, watched him work, watched him pick peaches and apricots and cherries and lemons from the orchard.

The “adult’s table” had confused him for the first few days, but his undying desperation to please him and make him see he was more mature than his years had forced him to engage. And it worked. They got along just fine, and Alec played him piano, and violin, and guitar, singing to him in any of the languages he asked, more than he had ever done for any previous guest. They swam more than he had swum with any of their previous guests. They talked more than any of their previous guests. Alec had spent more time in his guest room than his own room, more than he had ever done before. Something intrigued him, though there was something about him that made Alec nervous. Was it the need to impress him? Was it the need to show him he was more mature than others his age? Was it for some other reason? Alec had yet to figure it out, and it had been three years.

The year after that, with Nathaniel there, Alec had been confident enough to suggest which songs he might play for him, and found Nathaniel was always happy to listen, though he was less interested than Meliorn before him. He offered to swim, to go to town with him, to listen to the music he had brought, and was always taken up on the offer, but Alec felt a nuisance. By the end of the summer, whilst he had wished to offer his services at every available opportunity, he bit his tongue and waited to be called upon. It had been a painfully long summer.

The year after that, last year now, there had been both Michael and Tobias who Alec felt an undying need to please. Both had been intelligent and Alec had felt such an urge to show them his own intelligence. Any time they had asked him a question, he would answer diligently and politely, and accept their praise. Sometimes, under Michael’s gaze, with whom he had formed the stronger bond, he would flush. But he wanted him to see that he flushed, so that he might watch him swallow as well.

The feelings he thought he had gathered over the years were feelings friends and families had described, but he was feeling them for the wrong person, for the wrong gender, and so he could not know for sure what they were. He wanted to be certain, but the feeling these things were wrong made him think it was something else, and his conclusions were always incomplete.

During their last week together, Alec came closer to understanding what he was feeling towards these men, but, to this day, he could not say for sure. There had been a storm, keeping them all inside, and Alec had been sat on the conjoined balcony between his and one of the other bedrooms, the weather meaning it wouldn’t hit him considering the angle of the wind. Michael, who had been in that room, had come and sat with him, watching the trees sway violently in the wind.

They hadn’t said anything to each other, though his presence was always welcome to Alec. Their knees had been touching and Alec felt that was greeting enough for the moment. And, as the minutes, maybe hours passed, the storm rolling in, Michael let his hand slowly come over towards Alec, his fingers brushing ever so slightly across the bare skin not covered by his shorts, the humidity deeming shorts acceptable attire. It was so gentle, however, Alec wasn’t sure if he had been imagining it or if it was real.

When his fingers brushing against his skin turned into his whole palm rubbing up and down from his knee to his lower thigh, Alec had known it was real. He waited an entire three minutes before he found the courage to move his hand down and link their fingers. If he was ever going to come to a realisation about why he wanted to impress more men than women, he was getting close to that now.

He didn’t look at him for a while, worried his courage would falter. Closing his eyes and enjoying the feeling of holding someone’s hand in a way he had never held someone’s hand before. It was different and it had made his heart race, uncertainty but also certainty in another way filling him.

After another long while, Michael leaned over and kissed Alec on the cheek, a surge of wind filling Alec with shivers, or maybe that had been the kiss. Alec was sure of nothing. Breath hitching, Alec chewed his lip and waited for him to do it again. He had hoped his silence was more of a yes than a no, but silence was not always the best answer to these things, so Alec squeezed his hand in an attempt to encourage him.

And it did, and he kissed his cheek again, Alec closing his eyes to feel the slight chapped nature of his lips, the breath from his nose rippling on his skin, and the wet from where his lips parted against his cheek. He had never been kissed before, neither on the lips nor on the cheek. Michael kissing his cheek was not something he had known he wanted, but he was more than overjoyed when he got it.

Kissing his cheek three times, he pulled back and waited for Alec to do something, to initiate something. Just before Alec gathered the courage to turn and look at him, Michael’s name was called. They both turned to look and waited for more information, but nothing came, and they both knew he would have to go and investigate. Alec waited for him to move, but he didn’t, not until his name was called again, and he sighed.

He had promised to come back later, bringing Alec’s hand up to his lips and kissing the back of his hand. Alec smiled and nodded, okay with whatever later brought.

Later never came. Michael had been summoned to play cards with the others and Alec, not really a fan of card games, didn’t even care to pretend. He would wait until later arrived, but they all got very drunk and Michael fell asleep downstairs. And they never got the chance to find out what later might have brought.

Despite that, Alec had been changed by that summer, by those kisses to his cheek. Now this summer was here and Alec wondered if maybe, this year, with someone else, he could figure out what later might be or what those kisses had really meant to him. Maybe he wouldn’t, and he would never understand what made his stomach flip and his heart pound the way it had. Maybe summers were for discovery, and maybe he would discover things this summer, and maybe he wouldn’t. Alec didn’t know.

His father was waiting for them when they arrived, and Robert helped them put their little suitcases and backpacks inside the trunk before he drove off, Alec in the front with the others in the back. They never had to bring much because this was their second home and they had clothes and necessities in both places.

Izzy asked if their guests had arrived yet but was informed they would be here in the evening, their flight delayed by an hour or so. It would just delay their summer beginning, Alec supposed. Maybe that was a good thing, Alec really didn’t know. All he knew about them was what was on their profiles they sent to Maryse and Robert, and that had been enough to deem them safe and decent. There was not much else for Alec to go off.

The drive to the villa was as familiar as ever; the trees did not change, the sky did not change, the roads did not change. The only time anything was ever different was when they came in the winter or the spring, and the leaves might be different and the weather might be cooler. But, each time in the summer, it was the same, and Alec both missed it and not at the same time. He missed his Italy, but he wasn’t sure if he had ever prepared himself enough for what the summer might hold. Sometimes, it was very difficult being Alexander Lightwood.

At the villa, where half of his heart belonged, Maryse and Bridget had prepared some lunch for them, knowing they would be hungry. Alec hadn’t even realised how hungry he had been until he had seen them setting the table when they walked through the ever-squeaky gate.

They unpacked their things, Alec standing out on the balcony for a moment and remembering being kissed on the cheek four times by Michael, his throat drying at the memories. They had written letters to each other over the course of the year, though they had grown more infrequent as the year grew on, and they never mentioned their moment on the balcony. Every time he got ready to write a letter, he wondered if he should mention it, yet he never did. And, if he ever did, he would rip up the paper, burn it on the fire or the grill, and rewrite. Courage faltered him even in writing.

Looking at the pile of letters he kept on his desk, from other guests as well as Michael, Alec wondered if he should sit down tonight and write to a few of them, to inform them of the new summer headed their way, of the new guests, of anything he might want to tell them individually. Maybe, if he had a moment, he would write to Michael and say something about wishing he was back here. What was more likely was that he would write to Michael, inform him of the new guests, and what summer held for them, and ask what his plans were. That seemed entirely more likely.

Once lunch was done, they helped pick peaches and apricots for juice they could share with their guests when they arrived. The sweltering heat of the afternoon meant sweat beaded on Alec’s forehead the second he started, but the heat was something he loved about Italy in the summer. Sometimes it meant he didn’t feel so guilty for just sitting by the pool and listening to music he might play later. Sometimes it meant it was too hot to worry about anything, and Alec was thankful for that.

As the day grew on and the humidity of the night began to rise, Alec went for a walk down to the sea. Along his way, he bumped into some of his neighbours, like Clary who was also from the States and summered in Italy with her mother and step-father. They were another part of the summer Alec missed, though he hadn’t always gotten along with Clary, but now they were relatively close. Mainly, they spoke about art for that was where their similar interests lay.

The first year they had figured that out had been four summers ago when they had been forced to spend some time together and were ferried off to an Italian museum of art. They had spent the hour on the train not even looking at each other, but the rest of the day they had learned they both adored art and got along just fine. Now, Alec looked forward to seeing Clary every summer, just another part of what he loved about Italy in contrast to what he hated about it.

What he hated, there were many things; the distance from reality, though sometimes that wasn’t awful; the intimate nature where everyone knew everyone here and where gossip spread easily; the hard-work that was constant, having to cook and clean all the time because his parents required it of him. There were many things to love, but there were a few things to hate as well.

Taking off his shoes when down by sea, Alec dipped his toes into the water and stood where the shore touched his ankles before retreating again. In the distance, Alec could see fishing boats with their lamps lit, the sky growing dark. He had been fishing once or twice himself but it was never his thing. He liked sitting out on the boats, but not the fishing part.

He sat down on the sand and soaked in the feeling of what was coming, of the summer weeks ahead where anything might happen. The salt from the sea filled his lungs and he closed his eyes and breathed, not caring how much time passed.

Eventually, his sister screamed his name from atop the villa and Alec looked up at her. The night was fully upon them, the stars out so much more than they had ever been in the States. Out here, there was nothing to block them, not in this part of Italy, and Alec loved these stars.

His sister, not so far that he couldn’t make her out, was waving at him. Their guests had arrived, and Alec didn’t know if he should be excited or filled with dread.

Walking back, he heard the car pulling up on the gravel on the other side of the gate. Instead of going through the gate to meet them, he walked through the house and waited for them to come in through that way. He knew their faces and their names, but he would still be polite and ask them as they came in.

Max joined him in the hallway and waited as well. Max was not amazing with new people, though it wasn’t timidity like Alec had to deal with. He was the way he was because he liked to know a person before he spoke with them properly. He would greet them politely because he was raised correctly, but he wouldn’t say much more until at least a week in, until he understood them well enough.

Maryse came in, looking for them, smiling when she saw them.

“Are they coming in or should we go out?” Alec asked as Maryse ruffled Max’s hair.

“They’re coming in, carrying lots of bags,” Maryse said. “So, you will help with them.”

Alec nodded. He was used to these orders from his mother.

His father came around next, carrying a couple of bags, and then the others, the strangers who would soon become family, though there was one of them missing, and then Izzy, carrying another bag. There was greeting and handshakes and kissing of cheeks before Alec asked where the other one was.

“Magnus is paying the driver,” Tessa said, smiling. She had a nice smile, and Alec found he wanted to appease her as much as the men she was with, though Jace was young, younger than any of the other guests they had had before. He wanted to bring out that smile as much as possible as it was a very nice smile.

“Go help him with his bags, Alexander,” Robert said as he headed up the stairs, their guests following him.

Again, Alec nodded before he headed outside to find Magnus, the last of the strangers-to-become-family closing the driver’s door and going to pick up his case. He smiled when he saw Alec, the car driving off.

“Alexander, right?” Magnus asked, putting his hands casually in his pockets. Alec didn’t know how he was wearing jeans in this humidity, but he was. He was also kind of striking, and Alec swallowed when he saw him, sunglasses hooked into his shirt, arms showing his deep olive skin that was darker because of the night. He was confused, but he carried on anyway.

“Yeah, sure,” Alec said. “Though, usually, it’s just Alec.”

“Oh, of course,” Magnus said, his smile showing lots of teeth that made Alec almost gawp. “Forgive me.”

“It’s okay,” Alec said. “Do you want me to carry a bag?”

“That would be wonderful,” Magnus said, picking up his pack as Alec picked up his case, which was heavy but not unbearable. “Thank you.”

Inside the house, Alec went up the stairs with Magnus following slowly, admiring his home for the next few weeks. Alec asked his father which room Magnus was having, and he was having Michael’s from last year, sharing Alec’s balcony and bathroom. Alec wondered if they would have the same relationship, wondering if he was almost wishing for it. Maybe that was something else, maybe he wanted answers, Alec had no idea.

Alec put Magnus’ suitcase on the freshly made bed as Magnus came into the room, admiring where he would be sleeping for the summer. There was art on the walls, some of Alec’s, some of Clary’s, some of other artists. It was well decorated, but Alec believed that was mainly because it was adjoined to his room and it was the closest for him to hang things in. There was lots of art in their house, some famous, some not, and Alec enjoyed having it around because, when their guests asked about it, he could talk about himself and not worry he was being arrogant, because he had been asked. He loved to be asked. He did not like to initiate.

“So, we have to share the balcony and the bathroom, but other than that, this is all yours,” Alec said, watching as Magnus admired one of his works of art, one he had drawn in the winter a few years ago. Now, he would have done it differently, but he was proud of it all the same.

“Thank you,” Magnus said, turning as he spoke, looking at Alec with his full attention.

“There’s fresh apricot or peach juice downstairs for you. You’re welcome to come and go as you please, um…” Alec said, feeling almost flustered underneath Magnus’ intense gaze. People usually looked and then looked away and then looked back. Magnus kept eye contact and it was making Alec flustered. “Yeah. If you want to go into town or stuff, there’s bikes and there’s lots of things to do… Just, you know, ask if you want anything.”

“Okay. Thank you, Alexander- Alec, sorry. Alec.” Magnus winced and then smiled.

Alec almost told him to keep calling him his full name but pushed that urge away because he did not know where it came from or what it would mean for Alec to say such a thing.

“I’ll leave you to it,” Alec said, going to the door and about to leave.

“Do we eat dinner here or…?” Magnus asked, stopping Alec in his tracks.

“We will always have dinner served,” Alec answered. “But if you want it elsewhere or you won’t be here, just let us know.”

“There are other places to go?” Magnus asked.

Nodding, Alec said, “The neighbours are very friendly, and there are some nice places in town. But we can get to that. Just settle in.”

“Okay.” His smile was as enchanting as his accent that Alec was finding impossible to place. “I’ll be down in a moment.”

Alec nodded and left, shutting the door so Magnus might have some privacy.

Downstairs, Alec found his mother, ready to ask her a question that had been worrying at him since their guests had arrived.

“How old is Jace?” Alec asked.

“Sixteen,” Maryse answered, rooting through cupboards to find enough glasses, her attention half on him and half on her search. “Didn’t you read his profile?”

“Yeah, but I never read the age part,” Alec said. “We’ve never had anyone under eighteen before.”

“No,” was the only answer Alec got and he almost thought the conversation was over before she spoke again. “But he’s very much like you, which was another reason why we accepted them this year.”

“What do you mean? Like me how?”

“He knows six languages, and plays six instruments, and he had some of his art displayed in some gallery somewhere. He’s also going to college a year early, so you two are very precocious.” Maryse still wasn’t looking at him and, if she was, she would see him furrow his brow and plain jealousy cross his face.

One by one, their guests came downstairs to collect their juice and make light conversation for they were clearly too tired to do anything more taxing. Max kept himself in the corner, sitting near his mother and watching everyone as they spoke, similar to Alec, though he was more in the centre. He didn’t speak much, he just watched as they got into everything, wondering what kinds of people they were.

Mostly, he watched Magnus. Well, that’s not entirely true, for he watched Jem and Will and Jace just as much, and hoped to see Tessa’s smile as much as possible. But he watched Magnus more intently, particularly his mouth and the way he spoke. His accent was a combination of things Alec couldn’t completely work out, and he watched him form the syllables, watching his lips as he spoke. He was almost entranced by everything he was doing, particularly when he smiled at something someone else was saying or smiling patiently as the others spoke. That was definitely enchanting.

The night grew very old and they all made their excuses to go to sleep, promising they would all be more engaging tomorrow. They had been doing a lot of travelling and that was always exhausting. The Lightwoods waited for them to go before they said anything more.

“I think they’re very nice,” Maryse said, though she usually said this after greeting them all for the first time. Most of the time, her opinion never really changed. They always got a good feeling about people and never invited anyone who wasn’t nice. Sometimes, her opinion improved, though, and Alec knew this from experience, it took a lot to impress his mother. “What do you think, Max?”

Max just nodded, taking another glass of apricot juice before he went off to bed. He was always allowed up much later during the summer, and he always took advantage of that. Alec remembered his own use of getting the later evenings at his age, and it was often reading and watching life outside his balcony. So often, on Friday and Saturday nights, and once a month on a Wednesday night, you could hear music coming from the closest club, though there were very few in their little town and their town was so little that any music could be heard from Alec’s little balcony.

He loved his little balcony and everything it had brought him over the years. The knee-touching from Michael, his younger nights of listening to music, pretending he was asleep, reading on the nights when he couldn’t sleep, painting the night because the nights were full of beauty. Some of the most memorable nights of his life had happened on his little, conjoined balcony.

Max spent his later evenings reading in plain view, he was much less secretive than Alec, particularly to those who he was comfortable around. Alec didn’t know why he felt the necessity to be secretive, but he did. His mother and father were relatively reserved, but his sister and brother were incredibly open, particularly towards each other. And Alec tried, and he was to a certain extent. But there was always something holding him back, something in the way. He would love to know exactly what it was, but feared he would be different if he ever did know.

Ready for bed, he kissed his mother, father, and sister on the cheek, ruffled Max’s hair, and climbed the stairs. The bathroom he would now be sharing with Magnus was unoccupied, so he readied himself for bed before he changed into shorts, the nights far too hot to sleep in anything else. Then, as he climbed into bed, he heard shuffling out on the balcony, the sound of naked feet padding along, perhaps resting his arms on the railing, Alec guessed.

Usually, as Alec had heard many of his adjoining guests out on the balcony throughout their weeks together, he left them or he joined depending on how well he knew them or what they might want. But he knew nothing about Magnus, and yet he still wanted to join him, though he knew not why.

Getting out of his bed, his body walking without his mind focused on why, he knocked lightly on the balcony doors before he went out. As he had imagined him, he was leaning over the balcony, arms resting on the railings, back curved. He was wearing shorts as well, his deep olive skin enchanting underneath the dark light of the night. Alec was struck by him for a second, but attributed it to being in love with Italy rather than to anything else.

When Magnus turned to look at him, he gave Alec a smile that struck Alec again for a moment, but he smiled in return and joined him on the balcony, a distance away. He could feel Magnus’ gaze but did not return it, and felt both relief and loss when Magnus eventually looked out to the scenery before them.

“I thought you’d be asleep,” Alec said, to break their silence even though their silence was comfortable.

“Mm,” Magnus hummed. “I tried but… This place is beautiful.”

Alec nodded, for it was and, for it to be his second home, he knew how lucky he was. Even giving a slice of it to these new people who came to their home every year was enough for them to truly love the beauty. They returned sometimes, to remember it, to remember their six weeks of beauty they had received, but they never had it like the Lightwoods had it, and that was something Alec would always appreciate, no matter what.

“Thank you for letting us stay here,” Magnus said, quiet, contemplative.

“You should be thanking my parents. We don’t have much of a say,” Alec said, still not looking at Magnus for fear he would be struck speechless for a reason he could not place.

“I will make sure to do that as well,” Magnus said. He paused for a long time before he repeated, “This place is so beautiful.”

And it was, and, as the two stood there before the night, breathing in the air together, in a silence Alec couldn’t even begin to comprehend, Alec wondered what summer would hold for them. He had no idea just how much this summer would change him.


	2. A Calmed Soul

The next morning, Magnus learned there were rules to this villa; you had to open this door first, you had to close this window to keep this door open, you had to avoid this floorboard because it could very well break with too much pressure, you had to do this for that, and that for this. It was a hundred things to remember, and Magnus forgot almost all of them instantly, but he supposed he would remember them with time.

Magnus had watched the sun rise that morning, and he had already fallen in love with Italy. It had risen early, everything slowly being covered in light, stretching from one end of the horizon to the other. It had been gorgeous, and Magnus was enamoured with it, at how different it was to Brooklyn, at how pure and untouched it all was. It was the polar opposite to Brooklyn, and Magnus was in love.

He had gotten ready that morning, not sure what the Lightwoods had in store for them, and headed downstairs. The house was silent in the morning, though it was a beautiful kind of silence. It was Italy waking, coming to life. As he passed windows, he could hear the birds and the bugs bringing the world to life. It was refreshing, and Magnus was absolutely infatuated with the place.

As they ate breakfast together, after the information overload of the rules to the villa, they were all informed what their days would include, though it was all very relaxed; they tended to the orchard or the gardens, they helped catch fish, they helped cook, they helped clean, all at their own pace. As long as they helped a little every day or as long as they were just helpful in general, they could come and go as they pleased. Magnus was so looking forward to these next six weeks.

After breakfast, they were going on a little tour of their villa and the local town, but they had to wait for Alec to come down. Apparently, Isabelle was busy, and Max was far too young, so Alec did the tours. Magnus was fine to wait, it was pleasant just talking and eating.

About half an hour later, Alec came, not from the villa, but from a little gate that came from somewhere Magnus didn’t know. The others all smiled at him, dressed in shorts and a plain t-shirt, as he kissed his mother, father, and sister on the cheek, and ruffled his little brother’s hair. He smiled back and sat, slowly, Magnus noted, in the only spare seat at the table, which was beside Magnus.

“We thought you were still asleep,” Maryse commented, handing Alec an egg that he cracked open easily.

Alec shook his head. “I went to see Luke, he goes fishing at about four. I wanted to see what he caught for dinner.”

“You’ve been up since four? In the summer?” Will asked incredulously.

Alec smiled. “No. I went to see him when he came back.”

“I didn’t hear you get up,” Magnus said, finishing the last of his fresh apricot juice.

“I was probably up before you,” Alec said. “I like to get up early. Let me know if I ever disturb you.”

Magnus nodded and watched him smile, slow and tentative, not sure of eye contact. Magnus smiled back just before Alec’s attention was directed fully onto his egg. Magnus watched for a moment longer before he poured some more apricot juice to finish whilst Alec ate.

The tour afterwards lasted pretty much all day, and Magnus thought he would forever be falling in love with Italy, learning new things and seeing new sights every day.

Alec took them first through the orchard, talking through which trees were which and how to know which fruits were ripe. Magnus spent a long time admiring the trees and the fruits, happily taking a peach from Alec, biting into its flesh as Alec quietly recited when their orchard began and who tended to it when they were away; 1972 and Maryse usually as she did not leave Italy when the others did.

After the orchard, they were taken to the other gardens around the villa that were in full bloom. Magnus mentioned he loved the dahlia flowers but had never seen them in the wild before, Alec replying they were difficult to keep and tend to, but they were worth it. Alec seemed to know a lot, Magnus was impressed, and supposed he and Jace would have a blossoming friendship this summer. Perhaps he would ground Jace as Alec was not so arrogant with his knowledge.

Alec took them through the gate he had come through during breakfast, which opened onto a stunning view of the ocean, untouched and purely natural. Their path down to the beach was made of steps and mounds of ground that had been moulded by years of use. Jem commented he couldn’t believe how lucky he felt to be able to spend his summer here, and Magnus agreed. This was a place to come when your soul needed to rest, and Magnus was in need of a good rest.

The ocean and the beach itself were lovely, of course. There was a small port for small boats, mainly for fishing, and a few other people who were swimming close to the shore. Idyllic, that was the only true word to describe it, and he yearned to walk with bare feet across the warm sand.

They stayed on the beach for a while, Jem and Tessa wading their feet into the shallows, Jace and Will talking about things they could see in the distance as the sun rose to its highest point, and Magnus standing and letting his toes work into the sand. Alec was stood nearby, eyes closed and face towards the sun, breathing steadily. The way he held himself was already peculiar to Magnus, shoulders hunched in uncertainty though he spoke about intelligent things, yet he was quiet in his tone. There were secrets to his voice Magnus was already curious about.

As if aware of Magnus’ gaze, Alec opened his eyes and turned to face him. A moment of hesitation crossed his face before he smiled, a quiet sort of smile. Magnus returned his own smile, hoping to ensure confidence and surety, though unsure if it worked for Alec turned away almost instantly.

Watching after him for only a moment longer, Magnus looked back out to the sea, a little fishing boat sat out there, catching the bright rays of sun. It swayed with the waves, peaceful and serene, just as Magnus felt watching it. This was a place to feel complete, and Magnus was already feeling his soul filled.

They drove in two cars into town. It wasn’t too long to walk, but Alec feared that, if they did, they would miss dinner, and nobody wanted that. They also had bikes to use, but Alec was here for efficiency, and Jem and Tessa driving were a fine thing. It allowed Alec to voice casual and quiet comments about the town and the places they passed. He knew a lot of things about everything, a quiet container of knowledge.

There wasn’t much to their little town; there were a few shops, a church, some small restaurants, a couple of night clubs, and a café or two that always doubled as a bar. It was intimate, Magnus thought, not small, just intimate. It was very different to Brooklyn, with its café on every corner and four expensive restaurants in a row and bars on every street. It was a pleasant change, Magnus thought, for intimate was not a major part of Magnus’ life, and he thought it might be a good idea to get some of that before it was too late.

They stopped in a café for a drink, the summer sun cooling now. The owner and workers knew Alec well, and they spent a long time talking, Alec introducing all of them. They spoke mainly Italian, their English not strong, so Alec did a lot of the translating, though Jace was, of course, able to talk as well. Magnus supposed he should probably learn Italian to make the most of this summer, and to just be able to get around without one of the Lightwoods or Jace with him.

But it was pleasant enough without knowing much Italian. Everyone was very friendly, though their Italian was much more advanced than Magnus’, for he knew about three words and they were not words to be used in decent conversation. He supposed it would be fine. Immersing himself in the culture should allow him to pick up the language quickly. And it was a beautiful language, just another reason to fall in love with Italy.

They didn’t spend too much longer in town, Alec said they would all have plenty of time to explore, though there wasn’t that much to explore anyway. Tessa asked how much had changed over the years, and Alec explained that, bar a few cafés and restaurants opening here and there, it had remained the same. Magnus wasn’t sure if he would prefer somewhere that never changed, or Brooklyn, where a different shop was installed every day. The familiarity of this little town would be nice, for nothing was familiar in Brooklyn. What a different life he might have led if he had grown up here.

Back at the villa, Bridget was in the midst of cooking the fish Alec had spoken about in the morning. They all sat at the table and waited, the sun slowly beginning to sink, turning the sky to a mesh of colours that soaked into the deep greens of the trees that surrounded them. They had some wine, drinking and learning about each other.

As they waited, Alec and Max going to help as Isabelle sat, reading and talking, Magnus noted how different she was to her brother. Alec only really spoke when spoken to, and he offered his knowledge quietly. Isabelle was proud to speak whenever, to ask questions and offer her own insight whenever possible. She was different to her brother, perhaps for reasons Magnus didn’t understand. There was only a year between Alec and Isabelle, and yet their differences were immeasurable. Their personalities were almost opposite, and Magnus wasn’t sure why.

He didn’t even really know why he was thinking about it, just that Alec was complex, and Magnus liked to understand complex things. The Lightwood dynamic was already peculiar to him, with Maryse staying here all year round whilst Robert went back to the States with his children at the end of the summer, with Isabelle being full of confidence, whilst Max was shy as anything and Alec didn’t like to talk unless asked beforehand. They were affectionate with each other, but Maryse and Robert were still relatively stern, Magnus could tell from the way their children never complained once when they were asked to do something. Maybe they were just good children, Magnus wasn’t sure. He would likely know when the summer was up, though six weeks seemed long right now.

Isabelle was in the middle of talking about this new book she was reading when their table was being served. The table was soon full of food, side dishes and wine and sauces and jugs of fresh juice. Everyone had their own fish, though Max had a little one that was very sweet. He had yet to say anything to any of the newcomers, though Magnus could understand. He was young, and to be around so many strangers that came into their life for a few weeks was probably taxing for a young mind.

The conversation started mildly as they began to eat, content with the delicious, organic, natural food on their plates. It was wonderful and filling, just an absolute delight. Magnus was going to look forward to every single meal. Every single one.

As they got deeper into their meal, conversation turned to learning about each other again. Isabelle seemed most intrigued by Jace, but a lot of people usually were. He was a prodigy, an angel to most, though an arrogant fucker to others. Both were relatively true, but when you got to know him as well as Magnus and the others did, he was much more complex than just an arrogant, pretty boy. It took a lot to get to know him, however, and Magnus wasn’t sure Isabelle or the others would be there in six weeks’ time.

Isabelle explained that she absolutely could never get into the flute and was so relieved that Maryse said she could learn something else, but Jace disputed that he adored the flute, and now they were on a deep tangent about instruments. Magnus was sat opposite Alec, and he saw him perk up at the mention of music and playing instruments. He wasn’t contributing, but he was watching, his head moving back and forth between Jace and his sister as they spoke and engaged with ease.

“I just thought it was so boring,” Isabelle said, pushing around some bones on her plate so she could make room for something else. “It sounds beautiful, but I could just never get into playing it.”

“What did you choose instead?” Jace asked.

“Cello.”

“And you think that’s more interesting than the flute?”

“Yes. You think a flute is more interesting to play than a cello?” Isabelle asked as she looked at Jace like he were mad.

“Definitely. I’d much rather play flute than cello, like I’d much rather speak Russian than French. No offence to the French, but I find Russian much more intriguing.”

“You speak Russian?” Isabelle asked, almost impressed, though Magnus saw she did not allow too much into her voice, keeping it casual.

“Learning. I can speak it a little,” Jace said, and casually threw out a difficult phrase in the language that had Magnus mock shaking his head at him. He would try to impress at every available opportunity. Of course, it was impressive, but he did like to flaunt it.

“I’d much rather speak French,” Isabelle said, and spoke it as well. Was this a battle of the brains or were they just happy they had someone who they could talk to who was on the same level intellectually as them? Magnus wasn’t sure, but he was entertained. “It’s much more fluent than Russian.”

“I suppose. It depends what you want from a language.”

“Probably just to speak it,” Will said, Jem laughing. “That does seem the primary reason why someone might learn something.”

“Or to brag,” Magnus said, smiling at Jace who shrugged. “And how many do you speak, Alec?” Magnus asked, wanting to bring him into the conversation.

Alec looked up at Magnus quickly, almost shocked for his name to be mentioned, Magnus thought. “Five,” he answered, quietly.

“Impressive,” Jace said, and Magnus hoped it sounded more genuine to Alec than it did to him. Looking at Alec who then hung his head, he supposed it didn’t.

Alec didn’t speak again for the rest of the meal. They had some ice cream, which Max had a lot of, and Alec disappeared from the table completely, saying something to his mother about something. Magnus watched him walk away, not a single member of the table questioning it. He was complex, and Magnus was deeply intrigued.

They drank wine and spoke deep into the night until, one by one, everyone drifted off to bed. Magnus departed after Jem, going to his room and taking off his clothes until he was only in his underwear because sleeping in anything else was impossible in this humidity.

There was shuffling coming from the bathroom and the door was closed, so Magnus waited his turn before he went in. As he waited, he padded out onto the balcony and looked up at the thousands and thousands of stars. Resting his arms on the railing, he breathed in the warm air and allowed the serenity of this beautiful place to overwhelm him. It washed over him, washing away a little piece of whatever Brooklyn had left on him. And he found he was content with that.

He didn’t realise how long he had been waiting outside until Alec came out and joined him on the balcony like he had done the previous night. Magnus smiled at him, and Alec gave him a small one in return. Everything he did, everything about him was quiet or small, when Magnus didn’t understand that on any level. From what he had heard, Alec should be bubbling with confidence; he knew multiple languages, multiple instruments, was the top of most of his classes, was bound to succeed at college, spent his summers in Italy. It was one hell of a lifestyle that many would envy, but Alec didn’t show it. Complex, and intriguing.

Maybe Magnus shouldn’t even care that much, he wasn’t even sure why he did care. Maybe it was because he would be spending a lot of time with him, and he wanted them to get along. Perhaps it was just the fact he liked to figure out complex things, case in point with his current friendship group. Maybe there was even more to it. Magnus didn’t know.

“Do you like it so far?” Alec asked, a distance away.

“Italy?”

Alec nodded.

“It’s very beautiful,” Magnus said, looking out at the olive trees, still against the night.

Alec nodded again. “It is.”

“Do you enjoy it here, every year?” Magnus asked, trying to pry information from him slowly, easing him into what might be friendship between them, what might just be nothing, at least they might know something about each other by the end of it.

Again, Alec nodded. He glanced at Magnus once or twice as he spoke but, mainly, he looked at the same olive trees Magnus had been looking at beforehand, preferring their stability as opposed to eye contact. “It’s very beautiful every year. But I suppose I’m used to it.”

“You don’t find it so beautiful?”

Alec shrugged. “I know it is beautiful. I’m just accustomed to it, so… I don’t know. Familiarity makes things beautiful in a different way, I guess.”

Magnus looked at Alec, who was staring, lost in thought. Magnus could probably leave him and he wouldn’t even realise, his eyes glazed and yet focused on a single point in the distance. He started chewing his bottom lip and Magnus watched him for a moment longer, watching him work at the skin on his lip. Perhaps he watched for just a second too long, because Alec looked at him, feeling watched, and Magnus glanced away, not sure why he wouldn’t want to get caught looking at Alec, but also knowing he shouldn’t stare.

“Well, I’ll go to bed now,” Magnus said. “I’m sure everyone gets up early around here.”

Alec smiled at him. “Usually.”

“I’ll have to get used to it. Goodnight, Alec.”

“Goodnight.”

Magnus knew sleeping the first few nights was going to be tough because of getting used to the humidity and the temperature differences, and so he didn’t sleep perfectly well after bidding goodnight to Alec. It wasn’t a terrible sleep, but he had certainly slept better in his life.

They ate a wealthy breakfast the next morning to prepare them for a day in the orchard, helping Maryse and Bridget pick fruits all day. They were picking peaches today, and Magnus was rather looking forward to it, though he was rather looking forward to the entire time he was spending here. To be here, free of charge, working on a villa and getting to eat good food and relaxing and not even working that hard to keep them welcome, it was a dream, a dream not many got to live.

They picked fruit all morning, and made jokes about the Lightwood siblings who were sat near them reading or sunbathing whilst the others worked hard. Isabelle jokingly told them to go higher to get the best ones, and Max just smiled to himself, Alec fast asleep and not listening at all. Magnus had heard him get up this morning because he had been awake himself. He had actually gone out on the balcony to watch the sunrise and watched Alec as he walked down towards the beach. Magnus wondered if he should join him, see what was so interesting about the beach as the sun rose, but Alec seemed a solitary being, and so he decided to just watch the sun rise and get ready.

Bridget squeezed them some juice when they had finished picking peaches, none of the Lightwood siblings helping for Isabelle continued to say she was far too invested in her book, and Max ran off a little while after Alec had fallen asleep. They ate and drank beside Isabelle and Alec, underneath the shade of their orchard, and Magnus felt as serene as Alec, his bare chest rising and falling steadily. His pale skin was sure to burn easily, and Isabelle had covered the strips that were touched by the sunlight with Alec’s shirt.

Looking away from Alec’s near-naked chest, Magnus leaned back on his hands and turned his face up. The sun was blocked by the branches above him, and so it was cool where he was sat, not exactly cold, but definitely not as hot as it had been in the sun. He would be riddled with tan lines, his deep olive skin ready to get much darker, particularly if he was to spend as much time outside as he thought he was going to.

When everyone had finished their juice, they went for a swim down at the sea. Isabelle woke Alec by smacking him, albeit gently, with her book. Alec had rubbed at his eyes something fierce, and Magnus had smiled, watching him as he sat up and stretched. They caught each other’s eye for just a second before Alec looked away again. He was not a maintainer of eye contact, and Magnus wished it would last only a second longer, but it wouldn’t. Alec moved quickly, and Magnus did not believe he was going to be able to keep up with him.

There were only a few other people swimming in the sea, and there was plenty of room for everyone. Again, like the day before, there were fishing boats in the distance, swaying with the sea, Magnus entranced as he sat on the shore, feet touching the water that came in and out steadily. Jace was sat atop Jem’s shoulders with Isabelle on top of Will’s, attempting to tip each other into the water as Tessa played judge. Max had come down after them, trying to be unseen, though he was not as discreet as he probably would have liked to think he was, and he was sat a way away from all of them, observing, probably trying to work them out. Magnus, however, was trying to stop himself from being so acutely aware of where Alec was all the time.

He was difficult to figure out. Magnus had gotten a grasp on the other Lightwoods rather easily, they were pretty open or pretty easy to deconstruct. Alec, however, very much unlike the rest of his family, who Magnus and the others had talked to beforehand in letters and over the phone, had not written or said anything. They had heard from Isabelle, gotten even a word from Max, and spent a lot of time talking to Robert and Maryse. But Alec, they hadn’t heard from Alec before, all they had known about Alec was that he existed and was the eldest sibling.

Magnus hadn’t thought much of it but, now he had met him, he was intrigued by him and his complexities. They hadn’t even been here two full days yet, and Magnus wanted to work him out, wanted to understand him. Perhaps it was because he _was_ so complex that Magnus wanted to understand him, just to say he could.

There was also a very large chance he was just shy. It really, really could have been that. There might not have been much to it at all.

But there was also a chance it was something else, and Magnus, not being able to work that out, desperately wanted to. None of the others seemed bothered as they were having fun with Isabelle out in the ocean. Isabelle was a different breed to her brother. Magnus sincerely hoped this Alec issue wasn’t going to consume his entire summer.

Without trying to think about it too much, Magnus waded out into the ocean as well, and joined in with their game by picking Tessa up. This was what this summer was meant to be about; helping the Lightwoods so they had a villa to stay in for six weeks, and enjoying themselves. Not about complicated boys Magnus wouldn’t likely ever understand. Alec was Alec, and Magnus was Magnus, and if Alec wanted to remain apart from them, Magnus should very well let him because this was Alec’s summer too, and he didn’t want to press him too much if Alec was genuinely just shy and wanted to be left alone. They were to enjoy their summers, not let it be consumed by complexities.


	3. The Complexities of Confusion

Over the next few days, things unfolded into a pattern; they would get up in the morning, have a solid breakfast, tend to the orchard or the garden, swim or mooch around until things got cooler, then help with dinner or do other chores until it was time to eat, and then they might go out at night or stay in. It was a routine Alec had gotten used to over the years. It never really changed, and for that, Alec was thankful. Having something to stick to, something regular, something constant, that was something Alec depended on.

Each night, Magnus and Alec would spend a moment or two out on the balcony. Sometimes they just stood in silence together, admiring the outside world around them, and sometimes they would have a small conversation. Alec was still trying to figure out what these moments were between them, what they meant, but he knew they were comfortable and that, even in silence, it was okay between them. Maybe it was that neither of them were really sure about what they should say, and their thinking time was what was okay, was what made their silences bearable. Alec did not know.

A few days ago, they had been outside and not spoken for half an hour, and Alec had looked at Magnus and studied him for just a second, confused about why he was okay with just sitting or standing with him. His eyes had been focused on a point in the distance, watching something Alec had not been watching, mainly because he was watching Magnus. His eyelashes were long, brushing against his skin, and his olive tone had already gotten darker over the days he had been here, and his lips were slightly parted as he breathed. Alec just watched, bemused.

But then Magnus had shifted, only to move which arm he was resting on, and it had spooked Alec a great deal, leaving him to stare out into the distance, conscious of Magnus beside him, of his breathing and of his long eyelashes. Magnus was a confusing presence, his casual confidence and easy smile rendering him peculiar. He had had many more interactions with the other members of his family, and Alec had spoken more to the others who were staying in his house, but he and Magnus had had fewer interactions. And, for that reason, Magnus was a lot more bewildering than Alec could account for.

The previous night, the day having been the hottest so far, they had sat out on the balcony together in only small shorts, Alec had been severely distracted by the amount of skin that was showing. He had never been particularly conscious of his nudity for he had spent so many of his days in only shorts, bathing and swimming and tanning. But, around Magnus, he was conscious of his own skin and of Magnus’. He was conscious of the olive colour, of the small trail of black hair that started at his navel, of the muscles in his arms, of his thighs. There was something kind of enchanting about him, and Alec was sure this was the beginning of where his need to please people came from, and he was sure he was admiring him because he wanted to be like him. With his casual confidence, easy smile, and ease within his skin, what a way to live, what a life Alec might want.

As they sat beside each other, mostly naked underneath the hot night the sun had left behind, Alec was not only conscious of Magnus, but of how he felt to be nearly naked beside him. There wasn’t a particular emotion or feeling he could pick to describe what it was, what was making his heart calmer to know what it was like to be near him, their skin so close. The gentle rhythm of Magnus’ breathing was oddly pleasant to Alec’s ears, and he was so focused on it that the rest of the night was lost to him.

They spent an hour together like that; Alec conscious of Magnus’ body and of his breathing, and Alec completely unaware of what Magnus was thinking. It was late, and the moon rose high above them, casting their skins in wonderful, nightly colours, and no part of Alec had wanted to go inside. They hadn’t spoken at all except for greeting, and Alec was content.

When they finally went to bed, Magnus bidding him a good night as Alec just smiled, he had watched him as he disappeared into his room, feeling a strange kind of loss, a confusing one, and he stayed there for a few more minutes, trying to work out what it was that Magnus gave him when he was around and took away when he left. But he did not figure it out, and he had a restless sleep trying to understand why Magnus meant more to him than the others who had joined them for the summer.

Breakfast the next morning did not include Magnus, and no one, bar Alec, was bothered by this. Of course, they were free to come and go as they pleased as long as they gave them some sort of help during the day or did enough during the week, as long as their aid was sufficient. So, of course, no one should really be bothered by Magnus not being there for breakfast. But Alec liked all of his things in one place and, since he did not know what Magnus was yet, he would like him in the same place so he may figure him out. Magnus, not being around, was hazardous to this figuring out.

They didn’t do any work that morning, it was far too hot, so they all went swimming at the lake, Magnus, for some aching reason, nowhere around. But Alec could distract himself enough by talking about the violin with Jem, and laughing when Tessa pushed Will into the river. Alec, like with Magnus but with more understanding as to why, did not talk to Jace as much as he spoke to Jem or Will or Tessa. Jace was a confident person, in fact, it boarded mostly, if not completely, on an arrogance Alec could not get along with. He could be nice enough at times, and Izzy got along with him just fine, but Alec couldn’t be like that, he couldn’t pretend he was okay with someone who bragged about themselves and who knew how great they were and spoke about that all the time.

There had been only a few of the guests over the years who Alec could not stand. Sometimes, people did just clash. He knew Jace would be added to the small list of guests he did not get along with. But that was life, Alec supposed.

Ignoring Jace, who was showing off his butterfly skills, Alec looked at Jem, lying down beside him. There were spots of sun shimmering across his pale skin where the leaves above them did not block the rays. He was quite slim, not as muscled and toned as Will or Magnus, but his body was just as wonderful, though Alec wasn’t sure why exactly he was thinking about that. But he was, and he continued to admire the lines of Jem’s hips and his hairless chest until he was quite content he had stared long enough.

“I don’t think I’ve asked you what you do when you’re not here,” Jem said, eyes still closed, making an imprint of his body into the grass beneath him. “I know you’re at school, but what do you do in the vacations when you’re not here?”

“Well, we spend summer and Christmas and Easter here, so…”

Jem laughed lightly, a pleasant sound that calmed Alec’s heart. “I suppose you don’t have much time in the States then.”

“Not really.”

“Then, on weekends,” Jem began, opening one eye and looking at Alec, who was totally, totally thankful he was not staring at Jem’s body when Jem finally looked at him. “What do you do on weekends? What do the youth do these days?”

“Because you aren’t youth?” Alec asked, trying his hardest to look at Jem’s eye and not at the skin on show.

“Not as youthful as you,” Jem said, smiling at Alec, which would melt anyone’s heart for his smile was so wonderful and giving.

“The youthful as me do nothing on the weekends,” Alec said. “Except practise and sleep.”

“That doesn’t sound like that much of a hard life to me.”

“I suppose not.”

“And what are you going to do at college?”

“I don’t know,” Alec said, turning away from Jem. He did not like to talk about his future to anybody, because he didn’t know what was there. Soon enough, he would have to make a lot of decisions that might affect his life forever, and even thinking about it was not a pleasant time. It was, in fact, something that would put him in the worst mood for the rest of the day if he thought about it too much, and, for some reason he could not explain, he was already not in the best mood.

There was shuffling beside him and Alec saw Jem had sat up now, their bodies close. Again, Alec had to avoid looking at his body, mostly because he didn’t even know why he wanted to.

“I didn’t go to college until three years after high school,” Jem began, the two of them watching as the other four started racing in the river. “And it was probably one of the best things I ever did.”

“Why?”

Jem shrugged, Alec looking at him for only a moment before watching as the others began their race. “It gave me time to think. It let me figure out what I wanted, I suppose.”

“And what did you want?”

Jem smiled at him, bright and beaming. “I couldn’t tell you. It’d take much longer than three years to figure that out.”

Alec furrowed his brow at him. “But how did you decide?”

“I chose what made me happiest.”

“And you’re happy now?”

Jem nodded. “If you’re worried it won’t make you happy, you get a lot more freedom when you’re older. I would use that to your advantage.”

Alec nodded back, trying to consider Jem’s words, but thoroughly distracted by his sister screaming that someone else was a great cheat. Both Jem and Alec looked at the other four, Isabelle, not lightly splashing water at Jace but full force covering him in water. Alec smiled, and he heard Jem laughing beside him.

The others swam for a while, Jem joining them, but Alec didn’t remain much longer. Watching them swim was wonderful, and he didn’t mind sitting on the bank and relaxing, partially in the sun, but he still liked his things to be all in one place, and Magnus was still missing. Missing might be the wrong word to use considering it wasn’t like he had disappeared off the face of the earth but, to Alec, he had. They hadn’t even been here an entire week, and Alec was feeling lost when one of them was missing. If anyone ever told him he got attached to people too quickly, he would certainly believe them now.

He took the long way back to the villa on his bike, riding through little lanes and over short grass, avoiding the boiling sun where possible. There was sweat riding down his front and his back and on his forehead. They were in for a hot summer, and Alec was already feeling it.

Before he got back to the villa, he stopped into town and looked around at the bookshop. A lot of his time over the years had been spent in this shop or in similar shops, whittling away the hours in the cool and in the quiet. Sometimes it was much calmer than the villa, that could, so often, be filled with dozens and dozens of people. It wasn’t that he didn’t like to be around all these people, it was just that, sometimes, quiet was nice. In fact, it was almost pleasant.

An hour or so later, after milling through the books and getting out of the heat, Alec went into the café next door. There was some part of him that didn’t particularly want to go back to the villa, some part of him that wanted to stay back and wait, though for what, Alec didn’t know.

Inside the café, he spent his time drinking fresh juice and talking to Clary and Simon who were working there for the summer. They spent every summer working in this café as it was owned by Clary’s mother, and Alec had gotten to know them well over the years for they were only a few years younger than Alec. They asked about the guests, they asked about home life, and Alec returned the favour. It was not a draining conversation and, considering the heat of the day, Alec was glad. He needed all the relaxation he could get.

It was well into the afternoon before he decided to go back, though he still did not want to. They would be beginning dinner soon, and Alec would have to return if he wanted to be fed.

Much to his disappointment, Magnus had been and left in the time Alec had been out of the villa. Though Alec did not want to pry, he asked his mother exactly what Magnus had been doing when he was missing, trying to be discreet about his concerns. Maryse just said he had wanted to go exploring for the day, and now he had gone out for dinner with some of the people he had met. There was an ache to Alec’s heart then, one he was thoroughly confused about. It was an ache that almost hurt, like a loss, but what had he lost? Nothing, nothing he could think of at all.

Not a single other person seemed bothered that Magnus was out, not here. Of course, the locals of this town were pleasant people and the travellers were also very nice, and everyone who came through the Lightwoods’ made friends with the other people of the town, and no one ever thought anything of it. Sometimes, they would even stay over at others', sometimes it got romantic, Alec didn’t always pay that much attention because everyone deserved to spend their summer however they pleased. And now Magnus was going off, making friends, and Alec could feel his loss. It was far too peculiar to him.

Dinner felt emptier without Magnus though, thinking back, Alec couldn’t place how much Magnus contributed anyway. He did, obviously, contribute, and often, but the conversation and the atmosphere weren’t necessarily lacking because he wasn’t here. Only to Alec, it would seem, who kept looking around the table, thinking he would spot Magnus, and never doing so. It was, ultimately, distracting.

During the evening, every time any sound was made, Alec wondered if it was Magnus returning, but it wasn’t. Alec was beginning to feel Magnus was being almost rude; Alec’s parents were opening their home to him and it hadn’t even been an entire week before he was off, dining with other people. It was very rude, Alec thought, and he wondered if these feelings of loss were down to that, down to the idea that Magnus should be here. Alec liked his things in one place because it meant they were being considerate to his parents. With Magnus off, he was not being considerate, and Alec finally thought he understood what he was feeling.

He did not spend his evening on the balcony that night, too furious with Magnus being inconsiderate. Yes, this was his summer to spend as he pleased, but he still had to remember why he was here. He didn’t have to spend every single second of the day with them, but he could show his appreciation. Alec tossed and turned that night and found himself only calm to sleep when he heard Magnus’ door open, knowing all of his things were back where they belonged.

Alec did not greet him good morning the next day, and he did not sit next to him like he so often did either. Magnus would probably notice nothing, but Alec felt more content to show his anger in these little ways than to show his anger by being ultimately cruel.

Magnus, oh-so-kindly, Alec thought, decided he would help with the others today. They pruned the flowers in the garden, Alec sat at the table underneath the shade and squeezed fruits to make juice for everyone, observing. Mainly, he observed Magnus, kneeling in front of a rose bush and pruning at the leaves. He observed Magnus, with his shorts and only his shorts on, and observed him as his body glistened underneath the sun, and observed him as he laughed at something Will said. He was keeping his things in one place, and Alec was going to keep them all here, because it was the easiest way to understand them.

Alec decided to give everyone their juice a little while after, freshly squeezed peach or apricot depending on what they wanted. Most of them went for apricot, and Alec went to Magnus last, probably to make a point, Alec wasn’t sure. He was still kneeling down, and Alec was thoroughly conscious of how much lower Magnus’ head was than his own, where his head came on Alec’s body, stood above him. Perhaps Alec was conscious because it felt dominating, perhaps it was something else.

“Do you want apricot or peach?” Alec asked to get his attention, carrying a glass of each in his hand.

Magnus turned and looked up at him, raising a hand over his eyes to block the sun that was just over Alec’s shoulder, squinting his eyes. He smiled, and it stirred Alec, probably to anger that he could be so carefree when Alec was mad with him. If he was going to abuse the Lightwoods hospitality, Alec did not care for him to be so carefree. Alec decided that, if he didn’t put more effort into things, Magnus would also go on that short list of the guests he did not care for or think about so much when they left after their time had come.

“Peach, please,” Magnus replied, standing and stretching his neck from side to side. When he took the glass of peach juice, Magnus also, gently and casually, rested his hand on Alec’s bicep, squeezing his arm as he downed his drink in one go. Alec wasn’t sure which action to focus on more, which one should take up most of his attention. On the one hand, watching his throat work as he swallowed everything down, as he closed his eyes to enjoy its taste was enchanting, though Alec put that down entirely to the fact Magnus was enjoying the fruits of his labour. Then, on the other hand, the feel of Magnus’ fingers around his arm, touching his skin so easily was just as enchanting, though Alec also put that down entirely to the fact Magnus was being carefree and not noting that Alec was not in the happiest of moods with him. He did not move his arm, and he did not stop watching Magnus drink.

Once finished with the juice, Magnus hummed, content. Alec could feel the anger again, at Magnus so easily abandoning them for an entire day and yet being okay to just be here again, as if nothing had changed. Had anything changed? Alec honestly couldn’t tell.

He squeezed Alec’s bicep again and dropped his hand, Alec feeling the loss in a way he couldn’t explain. He took the glass back from Magnus, conscious to not brush their fingers.

“Thank you,” Magnus said, wiping at his mouth gently and licking his lips in a way that made Alec not want to stare.

Alec just smiled, not sure he wanted to speak to him.

As he went to leave, Magnus asked, “What are we having for dinner tonight?”

“Do you have other plans?” Alec asked, hoping it didn’t sound too bitter, but knowing it probably did.

Magnus didn’t show it either way. He just laughed through his nose. “No, I don’t. I was just wondering.”

Alec shrugged. “I think Bridget is making lasagne. You could always ask her.”

“Okay,” Magnus said. “I thought you might know.”

Alec shrugged.

“Was it not okay that I went out last night?” Magnus asked. “Maryse said it was fine-.”

“It is fine,” Alec lied. “It’s your summer too.”

Magnus went to say something else, but Alec just smiled and bid him goodbye, going to wash out the glasses in the kitchen. Bridget was busy fiddling with things, the way she always was, and Alec washed out the glasses, ignoring the fact he could see Magnus outside, through the window, easily going back to his work as if nothing had happened. What had actually happened? Alec did not know. Magnus hadn’t said anything, Alec hadn’t said anything, nothing had actually happened, and yet Alec was still mad about it.

“Mi aiuterai a preparare la cena stasera?” Bridget asked.

“Sì,” Alec replied. “Cosa stai preparando?”

“Lasagne.”

Alec nodded. “Sì.”

The others all went swimming in the meantime, Alec helping Bridget prepare their food. He had done it hundreds of times before, but this time, there was more to it. Alec wanted to show how good their food was in comparison to whoever it was that Magnus had eaten at yesterday. This was homely and this was the place Magnus would be spending most of his time. Everyone else seemed to get it. Magnus was the only one who had eaten at someone else’s, and he had done it so quickly. To be ungrateful at a time like this, Alec was in disbelief.

How dare that other place take Magnus away and consider themselves above Alec and his own villa. They had stolen Magnus away, tempted him from the Lightwoods and their own home, and Alec was not going to have that. No matter how good their conversation and their food might be, Magnus was meant to be here for the summer, and Alec wanted to show him what he had missed out during his adventurous night away.

Dinnertime arriving, Alec helped set the table as Bridget finished cooking. Although he couldn’t exactly set up where everyone would be sat, he hoped Magnus would sit beside him or in front of him, just so he could watch him truly appreciate what he had missed out on. But, of course, there was no way for him to truly get that to happen, and so he just set everything up and hoped.

At the kitchen window, as he watched everyone sit down, he kept his eyes on Magnus, hoping he would sit somewhere with a seat available opposite or beside him. If Alec could get in there in enough time, he could set up his own plate to ensure they would be sitting where Alec wanted them to sit.

But, as he considered just exactly what he was doing, he wondered why on earth he was spending so much time thinking about Magnus. Why did he even really care where Magnus was sitting? Why did he even really care if he ate with other people? Why did he care at all? It was a ridiculous thought, and he had never invested so much of his time and his thoughts into another guest before. Something about Magnus was off, or different in some way or another, and Alec, trying to figure it out, was getting nowhere.

Perhaps they were just very different people, and Alec’s need to please people and his need to get along with everyone just wasn’t working with Magnus. And that was okay. Alec had to learn that not being perfect all the time was an okay thing to be.

So, when he brought out the plates and the seats around Magnus were taken up, he was okay to sit next to Jem and opposite Max. He paid as much attention to Magnus as he did to the others, and he listened to him talk just as much as he did the others, and the meal went just as fine as it did every other night. And he took no notice, that night, about being able to sleep much better knowing Magnus was in the room just beside his because, well, why would he care to think about that?


	4. Unattainable Intrigue

The temperature was sweltering each day, so much that Magnus often did not have the energy to do much, though most everyone else was the same. In the morning, when it was cooler, they would pick or prune, and then they would swim, and in the afternoon they might cook or clean, and then they would go out at night. It had taken them the first week to get used to the idea of going out and now, because it had intoxicated them the first time, dancing with the locals and drinking good wine, Magnus and the others grew excited about the idea.

They had spent the morning observing which fruits should be picked and which ones should be left before they went swimming at the pool, it being far to hot to ride down to the river or walk down to the beach. It had been an easy morning, though most mornings here were easy. There was very little to take issue with, and Magnus was more than enjoying himself.

After Magnus had swum a length or two to get rid of his sweat and to cool his burning skin, Magnus sat up on the edge, splashing water on it first so the concrete wouldn’t burn him. The pool itself wasn’t that large, but it was nice enough, and it was a whole lot closer than the river. Will and Jace were competing over who could get from one end to the other the fastest, whilst Jem and Tessa stood in the corner, soaking up the rays whilst keeping themselves cooled. Isabelle was sat sunbathing just a short distance away, Max beside her, reading, far too engrossed to care about the rest of the world.

But Magnus’ attention was not set on any of these people, but on Alec, who was set on the other side of the pool and swimming lengths idly. He was not hasty like Jace or Will, but relaxed, going from one end to the other without a care in the world. Magnus liked to watch him, calm and serene.

He had been even more distant lately, and he didn’t even spend the last couple of evenings out on the balcony like he had since Magnus had gotten there. Magnus waited for a while, but Alec did not turn up, and it felt emptier without him. Waiting for him and anticipating he wasn’t coming was not a pleasant feeling, but their moments on the balcony were odd, and Magnus didn’t know what to think about them. He just missed them now they hadn’t happened for the last few days.

And so he watched him swim, his eyes following Alec’s ever-pale form as he went back and forth, back and forth. He could have spent hours watching him, entranced and enchanted as he enjoyed the cool water. The minutes ticked by, and Magnus barely even thought about them, he just watched Alec swimming, enraptured by his form and his movement.

The sun passed its highest point, and things gradually began to cool. Magnus, however, continued to sit and watch, though Alec eventually gave up with his swimming and stood, pushing the wet hair off his face. It showed more of his features than Magnus had been able to see before, and Magnus studied them for a moment; his high cheekbones, his dark brow, the purity to his blue eyes that could not be seen when his hair was blocking the light or the water to reflect in them. It struck Magnus, for only a moment, as he looked at him, water droplets hanging from his jaw and dripping down his face. It almost made his throat dry.

Magnus continued to watch as Alec moved to the other wall and pushed himself up, water pouring off him and drenching the ground around him. He ran his hand through his wet locks again, and Magnus couldn’t stop watching him, intrigued. Perhaps it was the enchantments of Italy wearing off on him, for he was in love with their little town, and Alec was a part of that. Magnus was in love with all of the Lightwoods because they were Italy to him, he supposed.

After a moment or two of watching him, Alec looked over at Magnus, and was startled for a moment to see Magnus looking back at him. There was a beat before Magnus smiled at him, genuine and easy. There was another beat before Alec smiled back, more than he had ever done before. It touched Magnus’ heart, awoke something he didn’t know was asleep. For a moment, they were just two people, smiling at each other, across a pool of water.

But, as always, Alec broke their eye contact and looked away, and Magnus did not want to stare any longer. Though, without looking at Alec, nothing else seemed to hold such enchantments, no other view was as interesting, and Magnus knew exactly why, but he was not going to entertain the idea whatsoever.

Breaking him completely from the spell, Will asked him to join their race, which Magnus politely declined but was pulled into, physically, by Jace. Magnus then obliged, but could feel Alec’s eyes on him, and it urged him to perform. Underneath the watch of those intense blue eyes, Magnus felt a need to impress, and he felt thoroughly, _thoroughly_ watched. Every inch of his skin Alec could see was under scrutiny, and Magnus wasn’t entirely sure what to do with that information, just that it made him feel alive in a very different way to the way he normally felt.

When Tessa told them to go, Magnus actually felt the need to compete, to do well even though this wasn’t even that much of a thing. It was a little race in a relatively small pool. But his determination to perform underneath watchful eyes was unmatched, and he wanted to show off.

It was a shame when he didn’t win, but at least he beat Will. Pushing the hair off his own face, he cast a glance at Alec and smiled, but Alec looked at him for less than a second before he turned away and stood up. Magnus, slightly out of breath, just watched him, totally bemused and wondering what it might take to impress someone like Alec. Not that he wanted to, necessarily, just that he was curious what _would_ impress him.

Alec disappeared completely until they ate dinner a few hours later, and Magnus decided not to note his absence. Instead, he focused on their small chores of cleaning the library with Robert, telling them which books to take down for storage, and which ones to move where. It was actually a very consuming job, and Magnus was thankful for his mind to be taken off the other thing he was thinking about.

After they did eat, they all went into town to go to one of the little clubs that was set there. After some drinking and smoking, they were ready to go and dance the night away. Magnus needed it, his mind always somewhere else, somewhere he did not want it to be.

The girl who had invited him over for dinner a couple of days ago was here, her name Camille who was French and beautiful, and she was staying for the summer. She was very beautiful, in fact, and Magnus liked her a lot. She was also very flirtatious, and Magnus wondered if he should spend the summer with her, have a fling of sorts, because a lot of people did that over the summer. Something about it didn’t feel set in his heart, but she was up for it, and Magnus wondered if he should just humour her.

As they danced, Camille ran her hands over Magnus’ body, her delicate fingers tracing as much of Magnus’ skin as they could; over his arms, under the collar of his shirt, over his neck. Magnus was fine with the attention, he often got a lot of it and was accepting of it. Camille was adamant with her affection, their bodies swaying together to the music, lost to the other dancers around them.

Leaning up, Camille kissed him on the cheek, just a little too drunk, Magnus wrapped his arms around her petite form, pulling their bodies together. She seemed content with the change and kissed his cheek again. Magnus hoped she was wearing lipstick that did not stain onto other people, but he doubted it. He tried not to think about it, just thinking about the feel of her warmth against him, her breasts pressing against him, her hips aligning with his body, pushing into him. It was a pleasant feeling, and she felt good in his arms.

Her perfume was strong, but it wasn’t an unpleasant scent. She was a beacon of beauty in every aspect; she wore dresses that hugged her petite figure and revealed much cleavage, and she wore makeup that enhanced her beauty, and she had an accent to die for, and she walked like she owned the world and everything in it. She was a vision, and Magnus should be thankful she was spending her time with him.

And he was, to an extent. But the summer was beautiful and Italy was beautiful, and he didn’t want to spend all of his summer focusing on her. Whilst she was beautiful, if they had a summer fling, Magnus feared she would want much of his time spent on her, spent thinking about her, and that wasn’t what this summer was meant to be about.

It didn’t stop him pulling her closer to his body or letting her kiss his cheek or swaying to the slow music. She was whispering things in French into Magnus’ ear, though her words were slurred and Magnus’ French was not the best, but he was content to listen to her, her warm breath close to his ear.

The music changed to something more upbeat, and Camille started bouncing around carefree, pleasant to watch. Magnus actively avoided watching her breasts bounce, and took her hands as they danced together to the beat. She smiled and sang along to the words, Magnus content to watch her and dance with her, sure many of the eyes around them were watching her.

They finished late into the night, some of them going for a night swim, though Magnus was far too exhausted now. The alcohol had worn off somewhat, and he just wanted to sleep. Camille was attached to his arm, her delicate hands wrapped around his bicep, her pale skin desperately contrasting to Magnus’ ever-browning tone. She wanted to go on a night swim, whispering to Magnus she would have to do it naked for she was wearing very little underneath her dress which was definitely enticing, but Magnus was far too tired from all the dancing and feared he would drown if he went swimming now.

“Maybe another time,” Magnus said as they walked along to where they had rested their bikes. The others who were going were waiting a little way away for them to join if they were going to join, chatting. Some of them might have been too drunk to ride their bikes, but Magnus was also too exhausted to think about that as well.

“Promise?” Camille asked, her French accent sounding wonderful to Magnus’ intoxicated ears. Though, in fact, he was sure it would always sound wonderful to his ears because he loved the French accent.

“I promise,” Magnus said, though he wouldn’t likely remember this in the morning. “I’ll see you later, okay?”

“Sure,” Camille said, leaning up and kissing his cheek, long and pressing her lips desperately into Magnus’ skin. “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight.”

She made her way over to the others and climbed on the back of someone’s bike, and they rode off. He climbed on his own bike and saw Alec was there as well, waiting for him.

“Not going?” Magnus asked.

Alec shook his head. “Why aren’t you?”

“Tired,” Magnus answered, rubbing his face and restraining a yawn.

“Do you want to walk?” Alec asked, probably because Magnus had been drinking a little too much beforehand.

“Oh, no, it’ll be fine,” Magnus said, smiling. He tried to demonstrate his peddling skills, but it did not go as planned as he almost tumbled and had to be kept up by Alec holding him. He tried a smile.

“We’ll walk,” Alec determined.

“Won’t that take forever?” Magnus’ bed was calling to him and, whilst spending some pure alone time with Alec was something Magnus was craving, he was desperate for sleep.

“If you sober up, we can start riding, but it shouldn’t take all that long really. Unless you’re slow, because, I mean, you're definitely going to stumble.”

“Will you catch me?” Magnus asked grinning.

Alec rolled his eyes. “If you’re lucky.”

It was the first time he had made any sort of reference to a joke, or even said anything humorous and light-hearted, and Magnus looked at him, a smile set on his face, shocked. Alec’s smile slowly died as he looked at Magnus smiling at him. He swallowed and cleared his throat.

“Shall we go then?”

“Sure, sure.”

They started walking along, having to go quite slowly for walking whilst also guiding a bike wasn’t the easiest when there was a tad too much alcohol in your system. It would be a long walk in the late of night, but at least it wasn’t cold, the humid temperature was pleasant.

They started in silence, Magnus wondering if he should fill it or if it was comfortable. Usually, their silences were fine, but with the slight intoxication in his mind, he wasn’t sure if this was still comfortable. It probably was, but this was also a different kind of alone to the times they had shared when they were on the balcony. This was the outside world, this was not the safety of the villa. Neither of them could escape to their room if they needed to, if they felt they should. It was a whole lot more intimate than they had been before.

The world was also spinning a little, and trying to focus on which way was forward _and_ on whether their silence was okay was a little too much. But Alec seemed content, and Magnus wasn’t sure if he should disturb that.

As they passed a café, the sound of laughter filling the atmosphere, Magnus chanced a glance at Alec, who was not looking at the café, but just looking ahead. His hair was covering his forehead, but Magnus could see his eyelashes and the moon reflecting in his eyes. The blueish light of the night made his dark features shimmer, and Magnus had to look away to stop thoughts he did not want to resurface.

“Do you ever get tired or annoyed of the strangers that invade your home every summer?” Magnus asked, a few beats after the moment had passed.

“I’m used to it by now,” Alec said, walking just ahead of Magnus, Magnus able to watch him without it feeling too prying. “It’s been happening for a long time.”

“Does Max not like it then?”

“He’s just sort of timid. He gets used to them every year, he just likes to know who they are before he talks to them.”

“Are you timid?” Magnus asked, quietly in case that was too prying of a question to ask.

Alec looked at him. “Do you think I’m timid?”

“I think you’re quiet.” Magnus was trying to be honest, but he wasn’t sure if they were there yet. Magnus hadn’t been here that long, but he wouldn’t be in their lives for all that long either. A sixth of their time had already passed, and it had passed quickly.

“Do you think so?” Alec asked, watching Magnus as they walked slowly through the town that was becoming more rural.

Magnus nodded. “Or, maybe it’s just with me.”

Alec looked at him for a second and then looked away, forward again. Perhaps Magnus had said something wrong, he wasn’t sure. He just waited, because that was probably the best thing right now.

“I don’t think I mean to be,” Alec answered eventually, quietly, almost stolen by the night.

“Right…”

“Am I rude?” Alec asked, almost self-conscious.

“No, not rude,” Magnus said, thinking about what he might say.

However, thinking about it too much made the world sway more violently, and he had to stop. Alec noticed him stop walking and turned back to look at him, concern growing on his face. He gently let his bike fall to the floor and came over to Magnus, looking at him.

“Do you want to sit down?” Alec asked.

Magnus closed his eyes, but everything grew even worse, and so he nodded. Alec guided him over towards the trees that lined the edge of the rural road. Magnus sat down against one, Alec kneeling in front of him, making sure he was okay. He was fine, it was just a wave of alcohol, and it would pass. The ground, however, was much more stable, and he was glad to be sat down as the wave came over him.

“Do you have to get this drunk to dance with Camille?” Alec asked, almost grinning.

Magnus tried to bite back a smirk and lightly smacked Alec’s stomach. Alec laughed through his nose, and Magnus was enraptured in the moment for only a second.

“Has she been here before?” Magnus asked, hoping the world would stop spinning and trying to move past being distracted by Alec’s smile, for he saw it so rarely and it was jarring.

“Yeah, but she doesn’t mingle with us that much, with me and my family I mean. She usually goes after the pretty, older boys.”

“Pretty?” Magnus asked, oddly touched by Alec’s throwaway comment.

“You know what I mean,” Alec said, sitting opposite Magnus and resting his arms on his knees that he had tucked up in front of him. It was an oddly childlike pose, and Magnus just watched him for a moment.

Resting his head against the stable of the bark, Magnus looked at Alec through hooded eyes though, as per usual, Alec would look for a moment before he broke eye contact completely. But Magnus was more confident, and he would watch Alec until he looked away because Alec was definitely not going to look back. This might be all he ever got from Alec, and Magnus found he was oddly okay with that, though he wasn’t entirely sure why.

“I’m sorry if I come off as rude,” Alec said, not looking at Magnus, but at their surroundings, perhaps finding comfort from there instead.

“I don’t think it’s rude,” Magnus said. “I just think you might avoid me.”

“I don’t…” Alec did not finish his sentence, and Magnus waited for a moment before he spoke again.

“You avoid Jace as well.”

“Well, Jace gets on my nerves,” Alec said, and Magnus laughed through his nose before a beat passed.

“Do I get on your nerves?”

“I don’t know.”

They looked at each other then, uncertainty clear in Alec’s eyes. It was the longest they had ever maintained eye contact, and Magnus wanted to work out what it meant, but he wasn’t sure he would ever know.

What broke it this time was a car approaching. Alec looked behind him to see who it might be as the car slowed down, probably looking at the two bikes discarded at the side of the road. Apparently, Alec recognised them and stood up, leaving Magnus to watch him and the car as the rest of the world swayed, sat up against the tree.

He heard parts of the conversation, but not enough, and he just wanted his bed. It was so much more stable than this world, than this tree.

“Just as close to the villa as you can,” Alec was saying, Magnus trying to focus on the stars above him, but they were worse to look at than the ground, so he looked away again. “Are you sure?... Okay.”

Alec came back towards him, helped him up because Magnus surely needed it, and helped him into the car as well. He started putting the bikes into the boot of the car as Magnus closed his eyes to not focus on the awful sound of the car rumbling or the vibrating of the car.

“Drink too much, sweetie?” the woman in the front asked.

“No, not really,” Magnus said. “Just a little, and now I’m tired, so…”

“If you’re going to vomit-.”

“It’s not that bad, I promise you,” Magnus said, giving a smile in her direction as Alec climbed in beside him.

“I’ll drive slowly,” she said, starting to drive.

Magnus had to be woken up eventually, for he had fallen asleep beside Alec despite the rumbling of the engine and the vibrating of the car. Alec gently shook him, thanking the lady in the front as they both got out. Magnus did offer to help get the bikes, but Alec told him to just go to bed. Magnus was silently thankful for that.

The second he collapsed onto his bed, he passed out, totally and utterly ready for it. He didn’t even change his clothes or brush his teeth or get under the covers. But he slept solidly, and that was important.

The sun was far too bright the next morning, and Magnus nearly considered wearing sunglasses indoors, but thought that might be too far. The Lightwoods had been very considerate and made lots of foods that would help with their hangovers, for almost all of them had them. Jem, Will, Tessa, and Jace, the latter of which probably shouldn’t have been drinking, but no one was going to stop him on his summer vacation, ate plenty to cure their headaches.

The Lightwoods also said they could have the day off, if they so wished. Jem said he would still like to help Bridget, because he was Jem and of course he was going to help no matter what, but the others took the offer up. To be able to relax today, Magnus was thoroughly looking forward to it.

Outside was still far too much for Magnus to handle, so he lounged around in the living room, lying on the sofa and being totally content with that. Will and Tessa passed through, but they wanted to lie outside in the warmth. Alec was also sat inside at certain intervals, reading, getting out of the sun, listening to music or asking Bridget if she needed any help. Jem was enough aid for the day, and Magnus just watched Alec shuffle about, perhaps feeling useless, perhaps okay with the idea he could also do nothing all day.

“What are you reading?” Magnus asked Alec after Bridget had brought each of them a small plate of salad for lunch. It was most appreciated.

“Music,” Alec said, sat on the piano stool but not facing the piano, instead sat with his back to it, his book propped up on his knees.

“Sheet music?” Magnus asked, Alec nodding. “Is that not incredibly boring?”

Alec made a face at him, and Magnus grinned. “Not if you like music.”

“I like music,” Magnus defended. “I wouldn’t read it, though.”

“You can’t play anything.”

“How do you know?”

“Jace told me.”

“Well, isn’t he rude?” Magnus grinned, Alec laughing through his nose. “Which piece are you reading?”

“Clair de Lune.”

“Really?” Magnus asked. Alec looked at him and nodded. “That’s one of my favourite piano pieces.”

“Seriously?”

Magnus nodded. “I’d ask you to play it but…” Magnus said, indicating to his calming headache.

“And you assume I’d play it for you?” Alec asked, half-smiling.

“Perhaps, on courtesy, I would presume so.”

“Mm,” Alec hummed, going back to his book. The air was relatively different between them, though Magnus wasn’t sure what exactly had changed. It might have been the conversation about Magnus feeling Alec avoided him, though he wasn’t entirely sure. It might have been the fact Alec just needed a few days to get to know people, and now he might feel he knew Magnus, and he was okay to spend time with him. Magnus couldn’t put his finger on it, but he didn’t mind the change. He rather enjoyed Alec’s company, he found, and he knew why, but he wasn’t entertaining that idea at all.


	5. Fickle Frustration

If Magnus ever did genuinely ask him to play something on the piano, or on the violin, or on the guitar, or even sing to him, Alec found he would probably oblige. After their short conversation whilst Magnus had been a little too drunk the night before, Alec thought the reason he avoided him was because he wanted to impress him and, any time he was around him, he feared he would disappoint him. His previous thoughts of it being anger at him for not being around and not appreciating what he got had subsided, and now he thought it was more about impressing him. He wasn’t sure, but that sat righter with him than the idea he was mad with him or frustrated by him. Well, he was definitely frustrated by him, but that had to do with impressing him as well, right?

They were still sat in the living room, though Magnus had fallen asleep after eating his salad. Alec was trying his hardest to not look at him, sprawled out on their old sofa, his long limbs comfortable and at ease where they were set, his mostly naked body contrasting beautifully with the cream colour of the sofa, though the sofa itself was beginning to discolour after years and years of use. His stomach was rising and falling steadily, his hand resting underneath his head. He was like a statue, carved perfectly from perfect stone, and Alec envied him.

With his casual confidence, easy smile, ability to woo any woman who might come near him, what a way to live. Although Alec had never officially met Camille, only heard stories of other guests who had spent a summer with her, Alec found he did not like her. Last year, he had no qualms, but this year, after she had matured further, Alec did not care for her. Perhaps it was her beauty that was unfavourable to him, perhaps it was her ease to flirt with any man, perhaps it was something else entirely.

As Magnus slept, easily snoozing away, perfectly peaceful, Alec spent as much time wondering at him as he did reading his music, a piece Magnus apparently loved. Would he forever remember that now? Would he forever think about this piece as Magnus’ piece? It was the case for many things; there was a pair of sheets that Meliorn had taken a liking to that were forever Meliorn’s sheets; the blue and black bike had been Nathaniel’s favoured bike because the seat was more adjustable, and that was now forever Nathaniel’s bike; there was a chair in this very living room, used and discoloured now, that Michael always sat in, always, always, always, and that was now forever Michael’s. Even though they were used by many other people, they remained, forever, theirs, and maybe this would be, forever, Magnus’.

Reading it once more, Alec looked back at Magnus’ sleeping form, oddly comforted by his serene face, lips slightly parted. As he released a heavy breath, Alec left his piano stool, leaving the book carefully atop the piano, handling it even more carefully than he had before. He just needed a moment outside, to look at the outside world underneath the cooling, afternoon sun, to clear his head.

Spending a moment outside, he watched Jem in the distance, picking apricots as he stood on a ladder to get the ones at the top. He was wearing sunglasses, and Alec watched. It was peaceful, and it calmed Alec’s confused thoughts.

A ringing of a bike-bell alerted Alec to someone’s oncoming presence, and his heart sank to see her. These would stir thoughts that were not so calm, and he suddenly felt a need to be protective, though, of what, he didn’t know. He waited for her bouncing blonde curls to approach, slipping easily off her bike, casual and carefree. Alec’s heart panged, but for what, he did not know.

“Bonjour,” Camille greeted, pulling off her sunglasses and setting them into the crease of her shirt, revealing more of her cleavage.

“Bonjour,” Alec replied, standing straighter.

“Is Magnus around?” she asked, smiling, Alec noting just how sharp her teeth were. Anything to find a flaw, Alec supposed.

“He’s asleep. Recovering after last night,” Alec said.

She laughed an easy laugh. Alec did not care for it. “It was a very fun night. Perhaps you could tell him I came by.”

“Sure.”

“And tell him I am awaiting his promise to be met,” she said, as casual as anything else.

It could have meant anything, absolutely anything. Alec decided not to think about what it might mean. That might have brought on even more things he didn’t understand, and Alec was dealing with far too much of that recently.

“Sure,” Alec repeated.

“Let him know I will be waiting for him tonight if he wishes to meet me.”

“Sure,” Alec repeated.

“Okay. Au revoir.”

“Au revoir,” Alec repeated, not wanting to say much more. Camille didn’t seem to mind anyway, she just turned around, put her sunglasses back on, and got on her bike, cycling off into the distance. Alec did not even stay around to watch her disappear.

Back in the living room, Magnus was still sleeping, and Alec was calmed by that. He sat back where he had before and picked up his book, carefully, reading it over and over. He wanted to know it, inside and out. For a reason he did not know, he wanted to know the piece, he wanted to know it better than the others he had known for years. He wanted to impress Magnus, to show him something about himself, he just wasn’t entirely sure what.

An hour or so later, Magnus began to stir. It would be dinner soon, and Alec was almost hoping he would be the one to wake him up, but this was fine. It was probably better like that, Alec supposed.

Magnus rubbed his eyes and sat up, yawning and then stretching. Alec avoided watching him, but he was not successful. He was envious of him, he supposed, envious of his ease in his own skin, envious of the women who wanted him, envious of just him. It was the only explanation, Alec thought, and he thoroughly couldn’t think of anything else for nothing else seemed to make sense.

“Was I out for long?” Magnus asked, looking at Alec with his sleepy eyes.

“A couple of hours.”

Alec thought about not telling Magnus about Camille, but he thought that might cause more problems in the long run. When Magnus nodded, Alec waited only a moment before he spoke again.

“Camille came by,” Alec said, slowly, intent on Magnus’ reaction. He only nodded. “She said she wanted you to remember her promise, and that she would be waiting for you today if you want to come by.”

“Wow,” Magnus said. “You say something once, and she’s set on it.”

Alec nodded, chewing his cheek so as to not ask what his promise was.

“It wasn’t anything, you know…” Magnus said, perhaps watching Alec’s expression. “She just wanted to go for a night swim.”

Alec tried not to release a sigh. He nodded, as much as he could muster. “I’m sure you’ll enjoy that.”

Magnus laughed, which Alec didn’t expect. “Would you enjoy it?”

“She’s a pretty girl, I suppose.”

“I don’t really think she’s your type,” Magnus said, standing.

Alec looked at him, something in his stomach tensing. “What does that mean?”

Magnus looked back at Alec, concern obvious in his brow. “Nothing serious. I just, the way you are, I supposed you would prefer subtly. Camille isn’t subtle, that’s all.”

“Right,” Alec said, not sure what exactly had just happened, only that he felt he had revealed something about himself.

“Right,” Magnus repeated, slowly.

For a moment, they watched each other, trying to figure something out that neither really knew. Alec cleared his throat and stood as well. They fidgeted underneath the other’s gaze, unsure. Putting the sheet music back on the piano, Alec nodded and left, hyperaware of Magnus watching him go.

Much to a relief Alec could not understand, Magnus did not go out to see Camille that evening. Instead, they all stayed indoors, reading or chatting or watching television. Will found some old playing cards, and he sat down with the others, Maryse and Robert having disappeared into the library. Max was sat in the corner, pretending to read but, in actuality, watching over the top of his book. Izzy said she would like to learn to play whatever they were playing, and they all sat around, though Alec wanted to just watch. He was not like his sister, he would not want to participate until he fully understood exactly what was going on.

Jem and Magnus were the best, Alec learned. He wasn’t sure if he was surprised by that or not. Alec was sat beside Jem, reading his cards and not understanding whatsoever about which cards meant what. He didn’t know which combinations were good, or which ones were bad, but he liked watching Jem’s delicate fingers move cards around so they made more sense to him, not to Alec, of course, just to Jem.

They were betting candy Izzy had bought from town that morning, homemade Italian sweets from the local store. It wasn’t much, but they weren’t about to bet money. Magnus and Jem had racked up the most, their little piles the biggest. Tessa’s had become the smallest, Izzy hadn’t lost that many, and both Jace and Will were doing all right for themselves, not well, but not badly either.

Alec was an observer, he found. Whilst participating was fine, he much preferred to observe the situation before him. It was one of the ways in which he was similar to Max; who had put the book down at this point, leaning on the edge of his chair to get a better look. He thought he was discreet, but it’s much easier to think you’re discreet when you’re the one acting and not the one watching. But they would pretend they didn’t know Max was desperate to come over because they would not embarrass him like that. Discretion was the best for these situations.

Looking over at him, discreetly, he smiled at little Max, teetering on his seat, head raised to see as much over the table as he could from his distance. Gently, so only Max would see if he wanted to see, Alec patted the empty stool beside him. If Max wanted to join them, he would, and if he still needed time, he would remain.

When Magnus slowly lay down his set of cards, which meant he had done something correctly, Max sidled up next to Alec amongst the celebrations, Magnus claiming his candies into his growing pile. Max folded his hands into his lap and watched politely, looking more at the cards on the table than the people who they belonged to. He watched intensely as Will took the cards into his hand and shuffled them, dealing them with ease after.

They spent a few more hours playing poker, laughing, drinking a little when they asked for a drink, Alec glad to pour them so he could participate in a different way. One by one, people lost all their candy; first Tessa was gone, then Jace went, then Isabelle, then Will, and only Magnus and Jem remained. They decided to leave it at that, shaking hands, claiming their prizes.

Jem pushed some towards Max, who pretended he didn’t see, but picked them up one by one, trying to be discreet again. It was probably far too late for him to be eating sweets, but it was summer and no one was going to stop him. Neither Jem nor Magnus actually kept their prizes to themselves, sharing them around the table. Magnus gave one to Alec, who said he should really keep them since he had won them after all, but Magnus insisted, and Alec did not want to say no to him. He ate the strawberry flavoured sweet and thought only of Magnus, unaware of any implications it might have triggered.

They trailed upstairs to bed afterwards, and Alec fell asleep with the strong taste of strawberry in his mouth. He did not want to clean his teeth because of that strawberry taste, and it was the best thing to fall asleep to.

The next morning, Alec kept wishing he could taste strawberry, but straight up asking for one of Magnus’ prizes wasn’t something he felt he could do. Instead, he ate some of their real strawberries, though they didn’t taste as sweet or as sugary as the candy. It would suffice, however, because the alternative was being embarrassed, for asking for a sweet from someone in their twenties when he was seventeen was not something he was going to do. Ridiculous.

A morning of cutting the grass and trimming the trees followed, before they all went swimming in the pool. Alec swam a couple of lengths, but he didn’t want to get in the way of Will and Jace who were, again, racing. Their competitive nature was insane and constant. No one should get in the way of them and their racing, and Alec had realised that early on.

Part of him considered going over to where Magnus was wading with Tessa, but he didn’t want to pry. Isabelle was sat on the edge, reading with Max who was steadily integrating into the group, Jem sat near them, soaking up the rays. He could have gone to either of those groups, but he wanted to go to Magnus, perhaps because of Tessa. If he really thought about it, it had to be down to Tessa, right? She was pretty and she was kind and she was thoughtful and her smile was very encouraging, why shouldn’t he want to go over there to be with Tessa? To join her company would be wonderful and Alec thought he should be thankful for that. But that was if he _really_ thought about it. It seemed much easier just to want to be over there for Magnus’ company, but he didn’t understand why that was easier than thinking he should be there for Tessa’s company.

He settled for being by himself, pushing himself up onto the edge of the pool to burn off the water, maybe dipping back in later, maybe going elsewhere. The opportunities were endless. What took up most of his thoughts were Magnus when he pushed himself out of the water as well, standing and stretching, the water droplets clinging to his body like they were desperate to be touching his skin. It made him glimmer and glisten underneath the sunlight. His muscled stomach twisted and turned as he moved from side to side, Alec entranced by his deep olive skin that shimmered. The water dripped down from his shorts, running down his toned legs, darkening the hairs that sat there. The trail of hair that came from his navel was also darkened by the water running down him, and Alec watched as many of the droplets travel down as he could, unable to look elsewhere as Magnus stood there.

Magnus’ body was as enviable as the rest of his life was. Not only was he casually confident and wore his smile as easily as he wore clothes, but his body was toned, his skin was beautiful, and there wasn’t an ounce of shame in him. What could he possibly be ashamed about anyway, Alec thought, looking at him and wishing to be him. What would it take to impress someone who was more impressive than everyone else around them? If Alec could figure it out, maybe they could spend more time alone together, like they did the night Magnus was drunk. He would enjoy that a lot.

He put his sunglasses on then, taking his eyes away from the world, and Alec would have thought it a tragedy to take his green eyes away if it weren’t for how he looked in sunglasses. It was another wonder that Alec could not fathom. He was full of many wonders, and Alec was only just uncovering them. How he envied him, and how he wished to impress him.

A splash of water distracted him, Alec looking around to see that his little brother had caused it, getting Isabelle covered in water. She stood, jaw agape, though Jace and Will were laughing. Max did not often jump in the pool, and Alec wondered what might have pushed him to do so. Maybe someone did push him, though Alec didn’t really think Jem, who was the only likely culprit, was the kind of person to push a kid into a pool of water.

“You two are awful influences on him,” Isabelle said, directed at Jace and Will, still laughing.

“What did they do?” Alec asked, watching Isabelle’s orange dress grow darker in the patches the water had hit her.

“Did you not hear them?” Isabelle asked, shaking off her book, though it was likely ruined from the water. She seemed pissed, and everyone else slowly got the gist as well.

_No,_ Alec thought. _I was elsewhere._ He said, “No. What did they do?”

“Encouraged him to be a little shit,” Isabelle said, shaking her head at Max who had now emerged from underneath the water.

“Mum said you have to watch your language,” Max said, proud of himself as Jace and Will swam towards him.

“Do you want to tell her how her book got ruined?” Isabelle asked, showing him the stained pages, a book lost forever.

Max’s cheeks grew pink for only a second before he shook his head.

“We’ll say it’s our fault,” Will offered, ruffling Max’s wet hair. Alec was surprised he had allowed him to do so, but it would seem as though Max had warmed up to these new people, and when Max wanted a friendship, he would do anything for it.

“I should hope so. It is after all,” Isabelle said, picking up her things, and flipping Will and Jace off as she walked away.

The two of them looked Alec’s way, Max deciding to swim nearer Jem who would be less of an awful influence on him.

“Is she genuinely mad?” Will asked, almost grimacing.

Alec shrugged. “Probably. She wouldn’t want the blame for ruining a book. Mum’s not a big fan of reading around the pool. Maybe you can see why.”

“Ruined shows use though, doesn’t it?” Jace asked, almost arrogantly as he started casually doing the backstroke. He was far too much of a show-off, and Alec didn’t care for him. In fact, Alec could feel his own anger rising, for a hundred different reasons, perhaps rooted in confusion.

“Sure,” Alec agreed, only a miniscule beat passing before he carried on. “But waterlogged pages mean they can’t be used again.”

“Oh well. I suppose if it’s that important, you can just get a new one,” Jace said, and it really pissed Alec off.

“Well,” Alec began, standing and grabbing his t-shirt. “Some of us are actually accountable for our actions here.”

Perhaps it was a step too far. He didn’t really know what kind of life Jace lived, and he had ruined the carefree atmosphere, but Jace got on his nerves, and Alec couldn’t always hide what he was feeling like other people could. Getting away was probably the best idea, and he decided to do just that, knowing the others were all watching him.

“It was only a book,” Alec heard Jace say, quietly, probably a little hurt.

“I don’t think it was the book that upset them,” Alec heard Magnus reply, just as quietly.

Wet and hurried footsteps followed Alec, and he wondered who it might be, though he knew who he hoped it would be. He pushed that thought away.

“I didn’t mean for the book to get wet,” Max said, taking his brothers hand out of guilt.

Alec smiled at him. “It’s nothing, Max. Don’t worry about it. Nobody’s mad.”

“You seem mad.”

“Not about the book, Max,” Alec said, squeezing his hand.

Max probably wouldn’t understand though, if he thought about it, Alec supposed he did understand people rather well. If Alec explained to him he thought Jace was an arrogant fucker, then Max would definitely get it. But Alec had to let him reach his own conclusions, and explaining to him he was not Jace’s biggest fan might encourage Max to look at him from Alec’s viewpoint instead of making his own. Though, anyone who looked at Jace would know he was arrogant, it wasn’t a massive leap to make.

The repercussions of this miniature falling out were felt at dinner. Jace was being quiet, and Will was trying to be politer than usual. Jem was, as usual, fine and pleasant, Tessa as well. Magnus was a little quiet, and Alec had heard the argument between his mother and sister, so he knew why she was quietly fuming, and Max’s silence was understandable. The only people making real conversation were his parents and their guests for the evening, who were two neighbours who were leaving for France tomorrow.

It was tenser than it had been before. It was ridiculous that a book being ruined by water had caused all of this, but it was, perhaps, the attitudes afterwards that were the real culprits. Alec didn’t even want to think about it. He just ate his meal, waited for everyone else to be finished, and went to escape upstairs. If they were going out tonight, Alec didn’t want to be part of it.

Just before he reached the stairs, his name was called, and he looked back to see Jace following him. If it was an apology coming his way, which didn’t seem all that likely considering who he was dealing with, it was going to be forced. Forced apologies were worse than no apology at all.

“Hey,” Jace began, fidgeting. Alec did not really care, he merely nodded at him. “About the book-.”

“I don’t really care about the book,” Alec interrupted, because he didn’t.

“Right,” Jace said. “I’m sorry, then. Just, in general. Sorry.”

“Okay.”

“Okay?” Jace asked.

“Would you like anything else?” Alec asked. It was probably petty, but Alec thought he could be petty sometimes. It was just in his nature.

“Do you not like me?” Jace asked, not even waiting for a moment to pass.

“I think you’re arrogant,” Alec said, quietly. Maybe Jace didn’t deserve this, but Alec was feeling a lot of random things recently, and Jace was who he was taking it out on, apparently. “It’s a tough personality trait.”

Jace nodded. “Yeah, it is.”

“Okay then,” Alec said, not sure what was meant to be happening, not sure if Jace had gotten what he needed from this conversation.

“I’m sorry about that,” Jace said. “I know it’s exhausting and annoying, and I’m sorry.”

Alec nodded. “Okay.” It was a start, he supposed. Not that it really mattered anyway. Sure, Jace probably had some wonderfully redeeming qualities, but he probably knew just how wonderful he was in the first place, and Alec didn’t want to have to be brought down by all of that and have it ruin what could be a perfectly wonderful summer. It was his summer too, Alec didn’t have to deal with arrogance just because one of their guests lived for it.

“I’m trying to be better,” Jace said. “Takes time to change yourself when you’re set in your ways.” He grinned.

Alec gave him a small smile, Jace reaching his hand out, offering it as a sort of reconciliation.

“I’m trying,” Jace repeated.

“Okay,” Alec repeated, shaking his hand.

It would not be a fast friendship, Alec thought, as he ascended the steps, but it might be something. Maybe they would just get along, and that would be that. At least it was something. At least they wouldn’t be at each other’s throats, not that they were in the first place, but at least they wouldn’t get there.

As Alec fell asleep, craving the taste of strawberry, Alec wished the entire day away. With its confusing ways and its odd argument with Jace, Alec did not care for it, and he wanted a new day to begin.


	6. The Wonder of Intimacy

The incident had, thankfully, been forgotten the next day. Magnus wasn’t entirely sure what it had been about, but he was thankful it was over. It hadn’t been enjoyable to see Alec in the state that he was, or to see Will feel guilty, or to see Jace actually torn up about something, which never happened, and Magnus was glad it had passed.

They were sat around and swimming in the pool again, Alec sat beside Jem, talking quietly. Jace was in the pool near them, leaning against the concrete wall, and that was okay. Magnus and Jem had been the two to convince Jace he ought to say something, Tessa having fallen asleep at the time. Jace hadn’t wanted to, apologies not exactly something he enjoyed doing though he often had to do them, but he had been convinced. These were their hosts, and to do something that annoyed them or something that might upset them meant apologies were a necessity.

Max had been thoroughly torn up about it until Will had offered him a sweet and told him he would personally get them a replacement, and it had sorted him out. He was swimming with Will now, and Magnus was glad. It had been a blip they would all be thankful to get over.

Will was, rather obnoxiously but no less wonderfully, teaching Max the butterfly stroke. It was an awful stroke really, obnoxious and unavoidable if you were in the splash-zone, but Max was having fun. He was always cautious when he went by Isabelle, but she seemed to have forgotten the incident completely, talking with Tessa and lying on the grass by the pool. Magnus was glad, mostly that Max was integrated now, because he had always been in the peripheral, and if he had joined them, surely that made them worthy guests. Magnus was glad for that.

“Bonjour!” a French voice called from behind Magnus, and he recognised it, feeling slightly guilty he hadn’t seen her since their evening of dancing. He turned and smiled as she approached.

“Hi,” Magnus greeted, Camille stopping her bike just a way away, probably waiting to be invited in. This wasn’t his pool, however, and Magnus wasn’t sure if he had the right to do so.

She was wearing a blue dress, a bikini underneath, perhaps anticipating they would all be swimming, perhaps hoping for her night swim, Magnus didn’t care to think about which it was. She was wearing her bright smile as well, sunglasses coming off and resting at the lowest part of her dress, pulling it down even further than it was before. Kicking off her flats, she took another step forward.

“Maryse said you were all here,” Camille said, standing in front of Magnus mainly. “She said I should come and join you.”

“Sure,” Magnus said, looking up at Camille as she blocked out the sun, tall and very blonde.

As she pulled off her dress, Magnus felt it was a performance for him, as she did not let her eyes leave him unless her dress prohibited her. It was quite the reveal, her red bikini meaning much of her skin was revealed. Her skin was beautifully pale, and her figure was slim. She was attractive on all accounts, Magnus just wasn’t sure how attracted he was to her.

She sat down next to where Magnus was in the pool, her slim legs dipping into the water delicately. Her very nude body was very close to Magnus, so close he could see the delicate lines of her ribs, and the light tan lines that didn’t match with her current bikini, and the blonde hairs that caught the sun on her stomach. She was a beautiful creature, a thing of absolute beauty, anyone who saw her would know it, and Magnus did find her attractive, but he wasn’t sure if he wanted it to lead anywhere because of that. Attraction was great, but it didn’t always lend itself to anything meaningful. It didn’t need to be meaningful, it could just be a summer fling, and it made Magnus wonder why he was thinking about it so much.

“Where have you been?” Camille asked, gently pushing Magnus’ shoulder, smiling her bright smile, canines sharp.

“Busy,” Magnus said. “I hope you can forgive me.”

“I will try,” Camille said, swaying her legs in the water, coming close to brushing Magnus beside her. It was probably on purpose, but Magnus decided he shouldn’t think about things so much for he didn’t need to. There was no necessity to think about everything here, none at all. “I’ve always liked this little pool.”

“You’ve been here before?” Magnus asked, suppressing his smirk for he knew what Camille’s game was considering his conversation he had had with Alec the evening he had danced with her. He didn’t mind it, he didn’t mind the fact she had been with a lot of other men, he just thought it was funny the way Alec had said it, and he was suppressing that laughter.

“Yes,” Camille answered. “It is a pleasant, little place.”

“You’ve described it as “little” twice now,” Magnus said.

“Well, it is little.” Camille shrugged.

“It seems to fit all of us quite well,” Magnus pointed out.

“I suppose.” Camille observed them all, Magnus looking around as well, catching Alec looking away. “But it is still small. It is littler than mine.”

“I didn’t know you had a pool.”

“That is because you have not seen my villa.” Camille raised her eyebrows and smirked, Magnus laughing through his nose.

“I suppose it is.”

Camille dropped herself into the pool then, the water pushing them together, though that may have just been Camille. She put her hands on his naked chest to steady herself, but she did not remove them when she was steady, feeling out his chest. It was very intimate for a public place where many other people were, and she did not keep them there long. But the intent had been clear, and Magnus was clear on what she wanted.

“Are you going out tonight?” Camille asked, swaying her hands through the water.

“As of yet, undecided.”

“Hm,” Camille hummed. “I will be at our little club, if you wish to join me.”

“Is everything little to you?”

“It depends what it is,” Camille said, implication heavy, Magnus raising his eyebrows at her smirk.

“Oh, really?”

“Really.”

She stayed for lunch as well, remaining comfortably in her bikini. They spoke about nothing in particular and she touched Magnus at every available opportunity, which Magnus was fine with. He was a fan of affection, and he would have dappled her with more affection back if it weren’t for the fact he worried he would make other people uncomfortable. Public displays of affection were not things everybody loved, and Magnus was a guest here, he did not want to make his hosts uncomfortable.

Every now and again, he would catch Alec looking at him or them both, and he would avert his gaze as quickly as he possibly could, but it wasn’t always that discreet. Magnus wanted to truly catch his eye and smile at him, let their eyes set on each other so Magnus might figure out what was making him panic or nervous.

If Magnus was being presumptuous, he would think it was because he might like Camille. If he was being presumptuous, he would think it was that he wanted to know what flirting was like. If he was being presumptuous, he would think it was because he was envious. But Magnus was not a presumptuous person, and he did not want to think anything other than the truth. But Alec wouldn’t likely tell him what the truth was, and Magnus was even more curious because of that.

Camille took his hand then, as they sat at the outside table eating fruit Bridget had cut, and Magnus looked down at their interlocked fingers, interested mainly in her pale skin, not her delicate fingers and not her dainty, painted nails. She smiled at him, flirtatious, and Magnus just smiled, trying not to be encouraging, but wondering why he wouldn’t want to be encouraging.

Everyone else treated her well, politely, though Magnus wasn’t sure how appreciated she might have been. The Lightwoods were giving people and they always had plenty of guests at their house and at their table, and they got letters almost every day, so of course they would be accepting of Camille as she hung around their table, eating their fruit. It wasn’t that big of a deal, not really, and Magnus wasn’t entirely sure why he was thinking about everything so much.

She stayed for dinner as well, which was fine, Magnus assured himself it was fine. They had other guests from different places, and Camille staying around was totally fine. She flirted with Magnus, she laughed her beautiful laugh, and she spoke in her alluring, French accent. Everything about her was very beautiful, but Magnus just wasn’t tempted.

Maryse asked Alec to play the piano for them all as they made their way to living room for the evening to smoke and drink. He needed a little encouragement, even Camille asking him, which, noticeable only perhaps to a few, Alec rolled his eyes at. It made Magnus bite back another smirk, and he hoped others had seen it, because it was funny, and Magnus wasn’t sure how much other people knew about Alec’s sense of humour.

He did sit down at the piano stool eventually, everyone’s eyes intent on him, Jace’s even more so, Magnus noted. A few people suggested things, his family mainly as they were the ones who knew what Alec could play, but he shook his head and thought. Magnus just waited, Camille tucked up beside him, finally wearing her dress again, her long limbs neatly curled up. Most of her weight was resting on Magnus, which was fine. Of course it was fine. Most would feel lucky to have this pretty, French lady tucked up beside them, her blonde curls brushing against his bare skin, her breasts touching his arm, perhaps intentionally, her delicate, beautifully pale hands wrapped around his bicep. It was a lucky position for him to be in, and he reminded himself to appreciate it.

When Alec did finally choose a piece to play, Magnus recognised it instantly, and it made his heart stop. Magnus had only told him once that it was one of his favourite pieces on the piano and here Alec was, playing it. It was a perfected rendition of ‘Clair de Lune’, Magnus noted. There was a different touch to it, Alec’s touch most likely, but it was just as perfect as any other rendition Magnus had heard, and he was entranced.

The rest of the room had to be as well for he played every note like he loved it, like he loved the piano and each of its keys. His fingers memorised the piece, and Magnus watched his pale hands work the piano for every sound it had. The others in the room slowly disappeared, and all Magnus cared to think about was Alec and his talented hands. Even Camille, with her body resting on Magnus’, disappeared, and Magnus watched on, entranced at Alec at the piano, a different kind of Alec to the one he knew.

Part of Magnus, though he wouldn’t likely suggest it to anyone who would even think to ask, thought this might be for him. Maybe, seeing Magnus with Camille and, perhaps, wanting that himself, he was playing this for Magnus. Maybe there was more to it than that, maybe it was an attempt to show Magnus something. It was making him think again, when all he really wanted to do was enjoy the music.

It did not last long enough, Magnus kept wishing he would start it again, but, when it was over, it was over. The rest of the world came back into existence, and Magnus had to swallow. Camille reappeared into the world, clapping gently with the rest of the room. Magnus had to force himself to clap, though it was a hard thing to do when his mind was already replaying the curve of Alec’s back as he played and the way his hair fell over his face when he was leaning over and how much he clearly loved the music he played. He was as enchanting as Camille, Magnus found, just in different ways, and in ways that made it obvious he didn’t know he was enchanting.

He was asked to play something else, but he shook his head and offered the stool to Jace, who took it happily. This was Jace, and he would forever take any opportunity to perform. Magnus just thought it was interesting the way the two handed the role over to each other, as if Jace’s apology had cleared some of the hesitant air between them.

Whilst Jace was just as good at the piano as Alec, it did not hold the same enchanting effects as Alec. He was skilled and he played well and he loved what he played, but Magnus did not lose the rest of the world like he did when Alec played, when Alec played for _him_ , Magnus thought. Though, of course, Magnus could not say with any sort of confidence that that piece had been for him. The chances were, as he had been reading it not so long ago, it was on the forefront of his mind, and that was why he played it, not for any other reason Magnus was trying to conjure up. There was the chance it was for another reason, but Magnus wasn’t going to jump to any conclusions, especially about Alexander Lightwood, who was a man not many could make any conclusions about.

Jace played a few more pieces and even invited Will up to play a comedic duet with him. It was a pleasant evening and, thankfully, it ended late enough that no one even considered going out to the clubs. They drank a few more drinks, but everyone started to drift off to bed. Magnus was thankful, for he needed the alone time to consider the day.

He walked Camille outside so she could collect her bike and cycle home in the cool evening. She clearly wanted something from him, but Magnus needed to think, and he would be kissing no one tonight.

“Well, thank you for today,” Camille said, taking the bike Magnus had picked up for her.

“I suppose you should thank the Lightwoods. It’s not my villa,” Magnus said, smiling, still feeling a little tense, though no one else was bothered.

“I do appreciate their hospitality,” Camille began, walking a few steps forward, Magnus following more out of courtesy than anything else. “But the day spent with you meant a little more to me, I think.”

Magnus smiled. He wasn’t sure what he was meant to say back to that, and was more than grateful when she turned back towards him and carried on talking.

“Can I come and see you tomorrow?” she asked, and he was not thankful that that was what she had carried on talking about.

“If you would like,” Magnus said, slowly. “I don’t see it being an issue.”

She smiled as if Magnus had told her he loved her, which he hoped wasn’t what it meant. He didn’t mean to be encouraging, but he also supposed he didn’t mean to be discouraging either. Whatever it did mean, Magnus wasn’t sure. He just wished to figure a few things out before he made any promises.

“I am still awaiting your promise,” Camille said, her painted lips set in a delighted smile.

“I’m sure I can complete it soon.”

“I should hope so. It isn’t nice to keep a lady waiting.”

“I know,” Magnus said, laughing lightly through his nose as she smiled brighter. “I don’t mean to.”

“I do suppose we have the whole summer,” Camille said, stepping towards Magnus, who was thankful her bike was slightly in the way between the two of them, creating a minimal barrier.

“I suppose we do.”

She was expecting a kiss, Magnus could tell from the constant movement of her gaze from his eyes down to his lips. But not tonight. Instead, he kissed her on the cheek, which she seemed half-thankful for, and she left after that, Magnus giving her a final wave as she disappeared amongst the trees.

Back inside, Magnus climbed the stairs slowly, still hearing the notes trickling down though they had not been played for at least an hour. His mind was churning, and there was only one person really to blame, though he wasn’t even sure if that person had meant anything by it. And that was the worst part because, if he did mean it, Magnus would know exactly what to do, and if he didn’t mean it, Magnus would know where exactly he should put his thoughts. But he didn’t know, and he knew, most likely, that he wouldn’t ever know.

When he got into his room, he could see the shadow of his piano player leaning on the balcony. They hadn’t stood out there together for a few days and Magnus wondered if Alec would even want him out there. But he wanted to be out there, to be in Alec’s company. There he was, thinking too much again.

Stepping out on the balcony, Alec did not look back at him, because he rarely did. He leaned on the railing as Alec was doing, and noticed that, from their angle, you could see where Camille and he had been standing a mere few minutes ago. He wondered if Alec had been there long enough to see them, to watch him kiss her on the cheek, if he had been able to hear their conversation and what he might make of it. He wondered a lot of things, and he did not know many answers to his questions.

They didn’t speak for a little while, and Magnus’ exhaustion from the day faded in Alec’s quiet and calm company. Camille was a different sort of presence, not an awful one, just an energetic one that required most, if not all, of his attention. Alec did not require constant attention, he required very little of it and was content with whatever he got. He was much less exhausting to be around.

The light of the moon was reflecting down onto Alec’s pale skin, Alec being shirtless in preparation for bed. The bluish light covered everything before them, dappling it all in blue shadows and a pleasant glow. Italy really was beautiful, and he appreciated it more every day.

“I think Camille really likes you,” Alec said, quiet as the birds that sang in the distance, indicating the time of night it was.

Magnus nodded, though he wasn’t sure if Alec could see it. What should he say back to that? He didn’t know, and he thought silence might be his best friend in a situation like this.

“She seems…” Alec began but never finished his sentence.

Again, Magnus nodded, sort of understanding what Alec meant without him needing to say anything. If he had finished, Magnus might truly understand what Alec meant by everything that had happened, but that was a wish that would never come true. Alec was quiet, and Magnus had to let him speak when he wanted to speak.

They stood in silence for a short moment, neither knowing what to say, neither knowing if they should say anything at all. The silence was fine between them, and Magnus liked it like that.

Alec shuffled beside him, and Magnus looked to see him standing, ready to go back inside. It wasn’t much, but it never really was much, out here, between them. And it didn’t need to be much for it to work. It could be this, it could be even less, and that would be wonderful, totally perfect for whatever these moments meant to them, to each other.

“Goodnight,” Alec said.

“Goodnight,” Magnus replied, watching Alec disappear into his room and close his door. Magnus remained for only a moment or two longer, wondering at the world before him before he went to bed as well.

The next couple of days unfolded into a similar routine of Camille coming over during the morning, staying for the day, and eating in the evening, always hoping for a kiss or a night swim Magnus wasn’t ready to give yet. He was always hyperaware of the fact the two of them could be seen on the balcony that Alec was definitely standing on. He wondered if that might be the reason he did not kiss Camille; if he kissed her, Alec would see, and he wasn’t sure if he wanted Alec to see.

He also tested something out and found results he wasn’t sure with what he should do; whenever they were doing something together, Camille having disappeared for a thankful second, he would ask Alec to play him something at the piano. And he would. No matter what he was doing, be that he was in the middle of swimming, or in the middle of reading, or in the middle of trimming a peach tree, he would stop, follow Magnus into the living room, and play him something. It wasn’t always ‘Clair de Lune’ that they oddly shared now, but it was always something. He would always ask if Magnus would want another, which Magnus would have to decline in case Camille found them and changed the atmosphere. But it was something. He had figured something out, but what that was and what he would do with that, Magnus did not know.

Their balcony moments were different in a way he could not explain either. Something different had happened between their times on the balcony before, and where they were now, after they walked back from the club and after Alec had played piano that first time. Something had been triggered or something had changed, and Magnus felt he would forever be trying to figure that out.

If he spent his entire summer trying to work it out, he would likely not get there and, again, he was telling himself to stop thinking so much, and to enjoy his weeks away in Italy. Sometimes, it worked, and then Alec would play him a piece when Magnus asked him casually, or Camille would say something he knew Alec would find ridiculous, and he had to stop himself laughing or he would be thoroughly embarrassed trying to explain it to her. It would bring him back to his head, and he would be back to thinking about everything again and again and again.

It was difficult to get out of your head, even more so when you physically noticed each time you went back there. He decided to focus on Camille instead, on her painted lips and her painted nails, on her delicately pale skin, on her figure she adored to show off. She was beautiful, and she deserved his attention. He thought it best to give her that attention instead of being focused on something he would never understand. It wouldn’t likely work, and he knew that, but if he forced himself to do something, he would make it work. It was his summer, and he did not want to spend it cooped up in his head, confused and bemused and baffled at the workings of a person who made little sense, even if that person was desperately intriguing and lot more interesting than a pretty, blonde lady who constantly needed full attention.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unfortunately, there won't be an update next week as I'm out of town. It will resume again the week after and I appreciate your patience x


	7. If Not Her, Then Who?

Alec was playing piano for Magnus again. It had gotten to a point where Alec looked forward to the day purely because Magnus was likely to ask him to play something on the piano. Every time he sat down, he thought about just playing ‘Clair de Lune’ for him, and he did sometimes. But, if he overplayed it, he thought Magnus might not love it so much, and Alec would detest himself if he were the one to ruin something Magnus loved.

It was almost definitely to impress him, Alec thought as he curved into the music, playing it with the love he always had for his keys. There was really no other reason that made sense to him; Magnus was this light of energy, this intoxicating presence, and Alec wanted to impress him, to show him he _could_ be impressive.

Whenever he played, he was always conscious of where Magnus was in the room. Sometimes Magnus was stood directly behind him, or he would sit in one of the chairs, or he would stand directly within view. One time, he had led on the sofa, his long limbs sprawled out as he listened to Alec play, and the world had disappeared. Nothing else had existed except the piano in front of him, and Magnus lying out, comfortable, at ease with Alec’s playing, behind him. Alec had been conscious then, of his ability to make Magnus relax, and it was something he was holding to his heart even now.

Right now, Magnus was sat on the arm of a chair, listening with his eyes closed, Alec hyperaware Magnus was listening intently. If a note was wrong, Magnus would be able to hear it, but Alec didn’t play things wrong. And, if he could so help it, he would never play anything wrong if Magnus was in his audience.

When he finished, he asked if Magnus wanted another as he always did, which he never took up. Alec would play him anything he ever asked, just to show him he wasn’t as offish as some might think, to show him he could be impressive if given the opportunity. But Magnus only ever took up one song at a time, which was fine. It meant these moments were shorter than they could be, but they always had their place, and he always asked for more than one song over the course of the day. These moments were short, but they had such a meaningful place in Alec’s heart.

They walked back out to the orchard as Maryse came over, bearing a box of bananas. They rarely ever had bananas over the summer for they usually only ate the fruit they grew themselves, but Maryse got them every now and again if there was a deal at the small market or if their neighbours offered them. Camille had helped her carry the box over, or rather, stood around being pretty and pretended she was some sort of aid. She did a lot of that.

They each took one, their short break in between pruning almost over anyway. Sitting down, just a way away from the others, Alec began eating, but found his attention drawn to something other than his own mouth; to Magnus’.

As he ate, Alec watched his throat work, watched his lips as they enveloped over the fruit. As he chewed it in his mouth, Alec completely forgot he had his own to eat, and focused entirely on Magnus and the way he ate the white flesh. His teeth would gently sink into fruit after he had enfolded a small chunk between his lips, and his jaw would work at it inside his mouth. Alec wondered how wet his mouth would make it beforehand, and was enraptured at the thought and the sight of Magnus swallowing it down.

Confused at the warm pit at the bottom of his stomach, Alec attempted to look away, but could not. He forgot there was even anybody else in the world, anybody in his immediate vicinity as he watched Magnus eat every inch of the white fruit. How he wished Magnus would pick up another one, and how confused he grew when he wanted that. He became even more conufsed when blood began to rush to an area he most certainly did not want revealed in such a public place, particularly around family.

Magnus caught his eye then, and smiled, Alec fearing his cheeks had grown fiercely red. He stood, trying not to seem hasty, yet being exactly that, and turned around to go indoors. Practically running up the stairs, he went into his own room and almost slammed the door behind him.

He paced the room for a few minutes, wondering what on earth he should do in his predicament. He sat on the bed, achingly hard at this point, unable to keep his back straight. For the life of him, he could not figure out exactly what had happened. It had to be because bananas were such a phallic image, and if he had watched anyone else eat it, it would have put him in such a situation. He was a young adult, hormones were going wild at this point in his life, Alec knew that. Anything might set him off; someone touching him slightly, an indecent thought, watching someone eat something phallic.

It wasn’t going away. It was a problem Alec wished would disappear, just completely. It would not, and Alec knew how many awful situations he had been in where this problem had occurred and he had just willed it to go away. He had never been caught, thankfully, but he hated his hormonal body when it happened. He hated it now.

Rubbing his face for a moment, he lay down on his sheets and pulled down his swimming trunks, unveiling his solid erection. Confused and yet equally aroused at things his mind did not wilfully wish to comprehend, he began rubbing himself. His thoughts were running from this to that, not focusing on anything concrete for fear of what he would set his mind to and what that might reveal about himself, for it could unveil something he did not wish to know.

He ran his hand up and down his solid length, closing his eyes to immerse himself and hopefully release this all quicker. The world outside was still going on, and he did not want to be caught touching himself in the middle of the morning. It was more embarrassing than waking up with an erection or a pool of his climax around him. That had happened twice already this summer, and he had yet to remember what his dreams were about, and thinking about them would surely pull him into another situation like this.

Even though he was shameful of his current erection, it was still good enough for him to moan at the feel of his own hand running up and down his cock. He kept them quiet, for it would be utter hell if anyone walked passed and heard what he was doing, but he still made the noises.

One thought made his body jerk and pleasure run down his cock, and it was not one he would admit to out loud. Just the thought of Magnus’ lips around the white flesh made him moan. He tried thinking about any lips around it, Tessa’s, Camille’s, anyone else’s, but it was the thought of Magnus’ lips that made his body spark in pleasure. Alec put that down to it being Magnus who he had watched eat, but there was something else underlying that as well.

He continued to rub until semen shot out of his slit in excitable loads. He hissed in pleasure through his teeth, trying his best to both catch the white seed on the back of his hand whilst also rubbing his cock to get the extent of his short-lived climax. It still ended up on his sheets, but he was too content to care about that for the moment, the orgasm climbing up through his body.

Tutting when his release was complete, Alec sat up and carefully pulled his trunks back on. He walked clumsily to the bathroom to wash off any remnants of his act, dabbing at the patches that had gotten onto his stomach. He also stripped his sheets and put them in the pile of washing Bridget had to do, hoping she would think they needed cleaning after a night of sweating, not anything else.

As he went back outside, finding them all back at pruning the trees they had been asked to, he felt as though all eyes were on him, that they had known exactly what he had done. They had no feasible way of really knowing. He had cleaned himself up and nothing had changed, but their eyes were burning into him, and he thought he was wearing it like a shameful badge.

Going to a tree a little away from everyone else, he calmed his shaky thoughts and tried to get on with his work. It was not the easiest thing in the world.

Magnus had smiled at him when he had walked their way, and Alec had tried to smile back, but it was probably weak and Alec didn’t want to even think about Magnus for a moment. Shame had crept into his entire being, and he worried he would not be able to look at Magnus for a very long time, shame filling him just at the thought of his existence.

However, Magnus had parted from Camille’s side, who looked abjectly hurt, and approached Alec. It was the last thing he wanted.

“You all right?” Magnus asked, handing Alec the small pair of shears so he could chop off the useless twigs. It gave him something to focus on, instead of Magnus’ lips, which were right there.

“Sure,” Alec lied, blocking out all thoughts of what had just happened.

“You didn’t finish your banana,” Magnus said, standing beside him in the shade. Alec just shrugged. “I hope you don’t mind, but I ate it.”

Alec looked at him, snapping his eyes to meet Magnus’ gaze. “You did?” Alec hoped Magnus did not hear his voice break slightly.

Magnus nodded. “Sorry.”

“No, no. It’s fine,” Alec said, pushing those awful, awful thoughts far, far down.

Magnus nodded, Alec looking away, trimming uselessly. There were a thousand reasons why Alec might think about Magnus’ lips. He was a hormonal young adult, things were crazy at this point in his life. It was just the way life was for young people, anything might set them off. If he thought too much about it, he was probably putting meaning into it where there was none. That had to be the problem, there was nothing else that made sense in Alec’s mind.

“We’re going to go out tonight,” Magnus continued, hopefully ignoring Alec’s peculiar ways.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Are you coming?”

Alec sputtered and tried to pass it off as clearing his throat, not caring to look at Magnus to see if it worked. “Sure, yeah. Sure.”

“Okay,” Magnus said, understandably confused. He walked away then, back to Camille’s side, and Alec could not have been more thankful. He did not particularly want to go out tonight, but anything to get Magnus away from him, to leave him alone for a second. If he had asked him to play piano for him then, Alec might have had to say no. He likely wouldn’t, but he probably should have done, he supposed, though he was not sure why.

When they did go out, after a heavy dinner to absorb any alcohol that may be consumed, he stuck desperately to Jem’s side. He could have cycled with Tessa, but she was cycling with Magnus and Will, and Alec did not want that. Jem was far easier company than the rest of them.

They danced and they drank, Alec sticking mainly to the latter and smoking the last of cigarettes he was offered. He wasn’t a smoker by nature, but it was such a social thing to do, he just partook with everyone else. It was always the ends of cigarettes he was offered, and he didn’t mind having that to focus on instead of anything else. Though, he was consciously aware of any cigarettes Magnus smoked, and felt an urge to have those ones in his mouth, craving them more in a peculiar way than the others he was offered.

Magnus had offered him one just a moment ago, and he had taken it without a second of doubt even though he had just finished one a mere minute beforehand. He took long drags, breathing the smoke deep into his lungs, content that Magnus’ lips had been around it just before. The warmth on his lips was pleasant, and he hoped Magnus might catch his eye, watch him smoke his cigarette, but he was decidedly focused on Camille tonight.

Now, Alec found he rather hated Camille. It was a strong word, and Alec didn’t care to use it all that often, but for Camille, it just seemed to fit. There was nothing pointedly wrong with her; she was nice enough, she was pretty, she was confident, but Alec didn’t like her. She adored attention, completely and utterly, and Alec thought that might be the issue. Whenever Magnus was focused on anyone else, Camille would practically beg Magnus to come back to her. Whether it was taking off her dress in front of him so Magnus would watch her undress instead of talk to Jem, or it was speaking loudly in French so Magnus would have to ask her exactly what she meant instead of playing poker with Tessa, or it was laughing too excitedly at something Will had said so Magnus might ask what the joke was or maybe grow jealous, she needed his attention.

It wasn’t an awful thing, Alec supposed, to want attention from someone like Magnus. Her lack of discretion was probably the problem, Alec didn’t know. He was struggling to find something concrete to detest about her, to give him reason to dislike her. He had yet to find it, but focusing on her now, her body tight against Magnus’, the two of them growing very drunk, was making him hate her even more with less and less of a reason every time.

Jace had sat beside him, watching Clary dance with Izzy and Simon in front of them. Whilst Jace was still arrogant, he was not as discreet at hiding his wants as Alec thought he might want to be. He clearly wanted Clary, for she did stand out amongst everyone else with her red curls and her short stature, he could understand Jace’s enrapture. He had never felt it himself, but he could understand Jace’s desperation. Jace was sat, twiddling his thumbs and waiting for the opportune moment that would never come if he just sat, waiting.

Every time they had gone out to the café, Jace had sat nearest the bar, watching her but not speaking. Clary might not even know who he was. It was almost comical, Jace, the arrogant and confident, unable to talk to a girl he liked. Alec might feel bad for him if he didn’t think Jace would be able to walk up to her and woo her off her feet in a second if he so wished.

The song changed, and Alec decided not to pay attention to Magnus and Camille’s attached hands as they jumped along to the erratic beat. Instead, he inhaled Magnus’ cigarette deeply, letting it fill his lungs. Jace was still focused on Clary, who was spinning around and around with Simon.

She parted from them after spinning countless times, and Jace seemed to perk up. He also seemed to panic, and Alec smiled. Confident Jace set berserk because a pretty girl was coming towards him. Alec wasn’t even sure if they had spoken yet, and it was entertaining. He wasn’t laughing _at_ him, he was just amused that this was the ever-so-confident Jace, and this was what he became because he thought someone was cute. That was the entertaining part.

Clary came over to their table, picking up her glass and smiling at them both. Alec smiled back easily, Jace seeming to struggle with it.

“Are you going to dance?” Clary asked them both.

Alec shook his head. “Maybe later.”

“Is it all that smoking you’re doing?” Clary asked, smiling, though she couldn’t know the truth about why he was doing it. Even Alec didn’t know the truth about it. “And what about you?”

Jace looked startled to be spoken to so directly. He practically jumped, Alec bit back a laugh.

“Uh, I could,” Jace said. “I could come and dance.”

“Okay, come on then,” Clary said, taking Jace’s hand. He seemed startled again, but got up all the same. Alec just watched, entertained by Jace being so entranced, terribly happy their hands were still linked.

“It took him long enough,” Jem said, sitting down where Jace had been just a moment before.

“It sure did. Clary had to force him into it after all,” Alec said, finishing Magnus’ cigarette and not wanting to put it out, but having to anyway.

Jem laughed. “Maybe this will start something.”

“Maybe.”

“Are you coming for the night swim after?”

Alec looked away from Camille and Magnus, bodies thrust together, and looked at Jem who was, thankfully, not looking at Alec watching the two dance. “Is everyone going?”

“I think so,” Jem said. “She finally managed to convince Magnus.”

Alec wondered if that meant Jem knew he was thinking about Magnus too much, if he knew what it meant to smoke his cigarette and to be watching them dance. Of course, it wasn’t a wild thing to do. Magnus was entertaining, and Camille was beautiful. There was much more to it than Alec was breaking it down to, he supposed. There had to be more to it. It wasn’t as facile as Alec was trying to make it.

“How did she manage that?” Alec asked, looking only at Jem, forcing his eyes away from the others on the dancefloor.

“I’m sure she has her ways,” Jem said, chancing a smile at Alec. It made Alec’s stomach churn to even think about.

“Does he like her a lot then?” Alec asked after a pause.

Jem shrugged. “He doesn’t speak about her much.”

Alec felt juvenile asking such a question, but he wanted to know.

“I suppose it doesn’t really matter,” Jem continued when Alec didn’t say anything. “Summer flings are summer flings.”

“Is that what it is?” Alec asked, quietly, not wanting to pry, but needing answers.

Jem shrugged. “You’d have to ask them.”

Alec nodded.

They did go for a night swim after they had drunk and danced enough. They weren’t as drunk as their time before, but they were tipsy enough for everything to be fine and to enjoy the night. They went down to the river, most of them holding hands, Alec trying not to stare as Camille and Magnus stumbled around together, hands locked, steadying the other. He tried to focus on Jem talking to him, and it worked to an extent, but then Camille would laugh and it would take him back to the two of them.

When they reached the river, people started stripping down to their underwear, self-conscious issues out of the window as they jumped straight into the water. Alec didn’t jump, he just waded in, not wanting to be amongst all those happy, nearly naked people. He wasn’t really bothered by their nudity, Alec thought, but he didn’t know what it was that he was bothered by. There was something, he knew that, but he didn’t know what exactly that was. They were all swimming and happy, laughing and splashing each other, and they were all enjoying each other’s company, and that was a good thing, Alec forced himself to believe that.

The night air was warm, humid and letting them swim for as long as they wanted. Alec climbed up onto a rock where he could watch from a distance. They spent all day swimming, he didn’t really care if he didn’t get to swim so much now. The moon was reflecting in the dark waters, covering their skin in bluish light.

As ever, Alec’s eyes were drawn to Magnus and Camille, set apart from everyone else. They were swimming, gently, bodies together. The water around them rippled lightly, the water shimmering underneath the light of the moon. They did look beautiful together, two forms made perfect by the night, and Alec was sure that was why he was watching. They were beautiful, and eyes were drawn to beautiful things.

The two of them stopped in a shallower part of the river, the water coming up to their waists, water dripping down their chests, though Alec was looking more at Magnus’ than Camille’s. It was probably to be decent, not wanting to stare at Camille’s breasts, that had to be it. Camille started running her hands up Magnus’ chest, and Alec watched Magnus step closer to her body, his arms wrapping around her waist underneath the water. Her arms went around his neck, their wet bodies pressing against each other, Alec unable to look away from them, together, one shape now.

They were saying something, their lips moving, but Alec was too far away to hear what they were saying. He couldn’t even pretend to know what they might be talking about. He could only watch, and wonder at the pit that had formed at the bottom of his stomach.

Slowly, like time had stopped moving, the two of them leaned into each other and their mouths met. Alec continued to watch, something in his heart freezing over, though he put that down to the cool breeze that was filtering through the air. The hairs on his body had begun to rise, thinking about Magnus’ lips and how easily Camille had claimed them as her own. Just a moment ago, Magnus’ lips had been singing along to the songs they danced to, smoking cigarettes, eating fruit, and now they were there, touching Camille’s over and over.

What it would be like, Alec thought, to touch those lips with his own; he wondered if they would taste like smoke or fruit. He wondered if he would taste the salt that had gathered from sweating over the course of the day. He wondered if his lips were soft or if they were rough, he wondered what his tongue might feel like.

And he wondered what was wrong with him to be thinking things like that.

He didn’t remain to see what became of them. If he went home with her, Alec thought that would be for the best. He wasn’t sure what he would think if he went back to sleep in the room beside him, even worse if he brought Camille. Alec did not want Camille to be brought back to Magnus’ room, not on any level.

Riding home on his bike as quickly as he could, he sat down with his parents in the living room, pretending he knew everything was fine, and watching television with them. He wasn’t really watching; he kept thinking about that kiss, about touching himself that morning and thinking about Magnus’ lips. He was no longer in the world, but in his head, trying to figure out what was happening to him. Why hadn’t he thought about Camille’s lips on Magnus’ or focused on her body instead of Magnus’?

If he really, really forced himself to think about it, he could pretend it was to work out how a man should behave when he was with a woman. Watching Magnus interact with her, watching him touch her and kiss her, he could pretend he was trying to figure out how he should behave should he ever have feelings for a woman-

He didn’t mean it like that. Of course he had feelings for women. That was a totally, one hundred percent accurate feeling he had. He definitely, completely, utterly, and truthfully had feelings for women. That was definitely something Alec felt. Totally. No lies there.

He probably had feelings for Camille. That had to be it. There was virtually no other explanation for Alec’s thoughts. Not in his head, at least.


	8. Progress Prohibited

The cycle back to the villa had been severely less fulfilling than the last time Magnus had done it. Camille was not unpleasant company, and she was not an unpleasant kisser, but it had not given him the strict and definite answer he had been looking for. He knew what might give him that answer, but that was never going to happen, particularly with the subject of his possible affection avoiding him more so than ever.

The others were cycling slightly ahead, giving the two as much privacy as they might want. Magnus wasn’t craving any intimacy with Camille at this given moment. She was giddy after the kiss, thinking everything was cemented in reality. Magnus wasn’t sure it meant all that much. But he supposed it might have meant everything to Camille. Magnus didn’t want to be cruel, but it really didn’t mean much to him.

After they had gotten dressed, Magnus had noticed Alec’s disappearance. He had started to worry, but Jace said he had left earlier, and Magnus felt a tremendous guilt at having not spoken to him for almost the entire day. But Alec had gone back to avoiding him, and there wasn’t much to be done about that. Magnus supposed he should just devote his time to someone who seemed thoroughly interested in his company and, by extension, his affection. Camille was worthy of it, he thought, but it wasn’t what he really wanted. But what he really wanted wasn’t concrete either, and it was becoming a large problem he cared not to deal with.

They rode all the way back to the villa at a leisurely pace, the others contently talking. Camille did most of the talking in their conversation, for she did so love to talk. It was not necessarily a flaw in her person, she was actually very pleasant conversation, though she did need constant attention and consistent reassurance that Magnus was listening.

He wasn’t.

He pretended to, nodded along, added a word here and there when she paused, asked her questions so she could carry on talking at her leisure. Magnus used her voice as a white noise, letting his mind think as she continued to jabber on and on. Her voice wasn’t unpleasant, again, she was actually a very pleasant person, she just really wasn’t the company Magnus wanted to keep. But the company he did want to keep did not want to keep his, and it left him at a crossroads with really only one direction to follow, the other options available but not in the way he wanted them.

“And, so, I think we should see each other again,” Camille said, the villa appearing on the horizon, the distance to freedom so close.

Magnus nodded, sending a half-committed smile in her direction.

“May I come by tomorrow?” Camille asked, perhaps oblivious to Magnus’ lack of commitment to the situation.

“I’m sure nobody would mind.”

She stopped, it being easier for her to get home from where they were instead of going all the way to the villa just to come back again. Magnus stopped as well. He knew what she would want, and he knew he should give it to her, but it still wasn’t anything he really wanted.

Dismounting, she came over to Magnus, who dismounted out of courtesy more than anything else. She leaned up before Magnus leaned down, and she made their lips meet. Magnus did nothing more than participate, happily allowing her to wipe the lipstick stain she had left off his lips. She kissed him on the cheek, leaving that stain, and Magnus smiled at her.

“Bonne nuit,” Camille said, climbing back onto her bike.

“Goodnight,” Magnus replied, barely watching her leave before he climbed back onto his own bike to cycle to the villa.

As he went, he was painfully aware of the form leaning against the balcony, encased by shadows, watching. He had done nothing wrong, he had done nothing to feel guilt over, but he was still feeling it. Something about him ached, and with those blue eyes that were watching him, he ached for him. Perhaps he ached because he wanted to be with him, perhaps he ached because something about it felt like betrayal, perhaps he ached because he understood more about what this was than Alec clearly did. Perhaps he just ached.

When he went out onto the balcony Alec had been stood on, he was no longer there, pretending he would much rather be inside his room than out here with Magnus. Maybe that was the truth. Maybe there was nothing to this at all. Magnus wished he knew, but he didn’t, not on any level.

If there was any way to rectify the situation, which Magnus wasn’t even sure needed rectifying, he could think of nothing. Alec had reverted to being unable to speak to him, to dismissing their conversations, to avoiding any interactions they might have. It was impossible to force your company upon someone who wanted nothing to do with it, and Magnus shouldn’t even want to try.

And yet he did.

Camille did not come over the next morning, and Magnus was overjoyed. It wasn’t that she was unpleasant to be around, it was just that she was constantly around, and everyone needed a break from people, no matter who they were. She would probably be over later, and Magnus would be thankful for his peace now.

As ever, Alec was sitting at the other end of the table to Magnus, and when they went to clean the garden, he stayed with Jem and Tessa as they tended to the rose bushes, Magnus given the duty of replanting whatever Bridget told him into bigger pots. He had Max’s help, which was enjoyable, and he was happy to talk to the youngest Lightwood about books and comics, though he understood little about the latter. But he kept wishing Alec might join them, or that he might walk past them so they could talk, even if only for a moment.

Bridget offered them all freshly squeezed apricot juice, and Magnus gulped it down. He secretly preferred peach, but anything on a hot summer morning was a blessing. He had hoped Alec might do the squeezing that morning, but that would require interaction with Magnus, and he was not having that anymore.

After lunch, Magnus noted Alec’s disappearance again and, trying to think nothing of it, went inside to wash his hands. Camille had yet to make an appearance, and Magnus was fine with that. He was not so fine with Alec’s lack of appearance, but those were not things he could voice out loud with Alec absolutely running for the hills. These were feelings to be subtle about, to not bring up at all, in most cases.

He lost his train of thought when he saw Alec appear from around the corner, book in hand, reading as he walked. Magnus, just having washed his hands in the kitchen, stopped, hoping Alec would bump into him.

Instead, he stopped where he was as well, noticing Magnus from where he paused, and waited. They were a few metres apart, and they were both waiting.

“Hi,” Magnus said when it was evident Alec was going to say nothing.

“Hello,” Alec replied, a little unsure of himself.

“What are you reading?” Magnus asked.

Alec showed him the book, giving his answer in the form of demonstration instead of words. It was something in Italian, and Magnus did not know it. That conversational route was over before it had even really begun.

There was one thing he could do, one thing might make things different. It had been a day or so since he had asked, and something had changed, either in himself or in Alec. It might not work like it did before, but it was always worth a try. At least then, he would know for sure.

“Would you play something for me?” Magnus asked, trying to pretend he was sure of himself, though he feared he had sounded like Alec when he had greeted him.

Alec shifted only a little. “Sure.”

Surprised, Magnus asked, “Yeah?”

“Yeah, if you’d like-.”

“Bonjour!” a very French and annoyingly familiar voice called from around the corner, coming around and instantly taking Magnus’ hand.

“Hey,” Magnus greeted, Alec just smiling.

“What is Alec going to play for us, then?” Camille asked. Magnus had hoped she might not have heard, for these were their moments, intimate and secure, and they belonged to no other. But she had heard, and so she had heard Alec say he would, and it would be odd to retreat now.

“I’ll figure it out when I sit down,” Alec said, turning to enter the living room. Magnus, however, thought Alec might already know what he was going to play, and Magnus was very ready for it.

As ever, Camille sat curled up into Magnus’ side, long limbs tucked up beneath her, now resting her head on Magnus’ shoulder. She had her pale and delicate hands wrapped around Magnus’ bicep, Magnus, out of courtesy, rested his hand atop her knee. He wished he didn’t have to, and he had felt thoroughly awful when he saw Alec look at it, but this was what it was.

He started playing and it was, again, ‘Clair de Lune’. It was the same as the first time he had played it, Magnus continuing to wonder if it was a dedication to him or if he just liked to play it. Now, as he played it for them both, Magnus was almost certain it was an ode. Of course, there was no way to be sure, but to play it for him now, with Camille beside him, after his silence, after he had clearly seen them kiss, it meant something, it triggered something in Magnus’ soul, and it wasn’t triggered because he had pretty girl sat beside him.

Some of it felt vengeful, some of it felt as though Alec was playing it to show him something, to point out something Magnus was reaching for. Alec wasn’t a bitter person, he wasn’t embittered or full of hate or jealousy. But there was something here, something different in the way he touched the keys. To anyone else, it would feel the same, just a different day, but not to Magnus. He had heard him play this on multiple occasions; the first time, it had struck Magnus by surprise, but then he had watched Alec love the keys, touch them with absolute adoration, falling in love with the music.

This time, there was something else to the way he touched the keys. Was it a realisation? Was it jealousy? Was it something Alec would forever hide behind the way he played? Magnus could not figure it out, and it haunted him for the entirety of Alec’s beautiful, _beautiful_ playing.

Camille clapped a little, and Magnus did as well, though he was lost in thought. Alec spun around on his stool and waited for something else. Alec did not ask him if he wanted another today but Magnus thought, today of all days, he would say yes and ask for Alec to play him something else. He never had before, but there was a change between them, and that change might have affected everything. But Camille was here, and he wouldn’t ever know.

The two watched each other for a moment, blue eyes locked onto green, Alec trying to say something that perhaps even he didn’t understand. They were unwavering, and it was more eye contact than Magnus had ever had from him before.

“You’ve played that before, haven’t you?” Camille asked, untucking herself from Magnus’ side and breaking their moment apart.

Alec nodded.

“Hm,” Camille hummed. “I think we should go swimming at the river now,” Camille said to Magnus, pointedly ignoring anything Alec might have said in response.

“Sure,” Magnus agreed, though he would much rather say no so as to watch and listen to Alec playing for him.

“Are you coming, Alec?” Camille asked, though it was obvious from the way she had asked she didn’t really wanted him along.

“No, it’s fine,” Alec said, turning back to face the keys in front of him. “You two go ahead.”

Magnus did not want to leave it at that, though Camille jumped up, ready to go immediately. “Are you sure?”

Alec turned back around slowly, curious at Magnus’ insistence.

“I’m not in the mood for the river today,” Alec said, tepidly.

“We could go to the sea instead,” Magnus offered, trying not to note Camille’s face and disappointment at the suggestion.

Alec thought about it for a moment. Magnus did not want this to be over. It would be tough to deal with it with Camille, right there, begging for his attention, but it could carry on if they were still in each other’s company. If he would only say yes, allow it to happen. Alec had everything in his hands, and Magnus wanted him to grant him this thing, just once, just _once_.

“Sure,” Alec said, neither of them paying any attention to Camille, who practically stamped out of irritation. “I’ll just get changed.”

Magnus nodded, watching Alec disappear from the room and up the stairs. He stood and saw just how pressed together Camille’s lips were.

“I don’t want to go to the ocean today, Magnus,” Camille said, folding her arms. “I prefer the river.”

“Well, Alec didn’t want to go to the river,” Magnus said.

“And?” Camille asked, pausing, though Magnus wasn’t going to respond to that for fear of what he might reveal to Camille. “I didn’t think you were kissing him last night as well.”

Magnus avoided thinking about that. Instead, he said, “What does that have to do with it?”

“You spend every day here, every night with him. Why go to the ocean because he won’t go to the river? Who really cares?”

“He is my host,” Magnus said. “It’s only fair to be courteous to him.” There was much more to it than that, but Camille wouldn’t understand that side of it.

“Come stay with me.”

“Camille,” Magnus said, pointing out what a ridiculous idea that was.

“You could.”

“No, I couldn’t. It certainly wouldn’t be fair to the other people I am here with or to the Lightwoods who have taken me in.”

Camille rolled her eyes. She was not so pretty when she was angry, though it was a pathetic thing to be angry about, and Magnus wasn’t going to let her sway him in any other direction.

Seeing she wasn’t going to be able to get her own way, she sighed. “Fine, we will go to the ocean. But.” And she paused for emphasis. “The next time, we will go where I want to go.”

“And what about where I want to go?”

“You suggested the ocean!” She raised her hands, as if done with the conversation. “I will be outside when you and your _dearest_ Lightwood wish to emerge.”

Magnus thoroughly thought summer flings weren’t supposed to be this dramatic, but he did suppose he had suggested something that wouldn’t focus his entire attention on her. That was the problem, not anything else. It had nothing to do with the river and the ocean, and everything to do with the fact Magnus had suggested they go somewhere Camille did not want to go, therefore, placing Magnus’ attention elsewhere, other than on her.

Alec came down a few minutes after, having changed into longer, blue shorts. He had thrown on a t-shirt as well, just for the walk down, and Magnus wondered if he should as well, but he didn’t care to. Something about being bare-chested around Alec was appealing, but he was definitely _not_ going to think about that.

“Ready?” Magnus asked.

Alec nodded, pulling on some shoes. Magnus watched, the air between them peculiar; it was thick and heavy, and Magnus was desperately listening to the sound of Alec’s breathing, content it was the only sound in the world. Camille’s voice broke through it, talking loudly to someone outside, but Magnus would forever block that out to listen to Alec and only Alec.

They walked outside together, conscious of not touching each other for what they might spur on. Camille was, indeed, talking to Will, who did not care for her. He merely smiled, nodding along to her as Jace escaped to stand with Jem. Magnus wondered if he had made a grave mistake in indulging her with his affections.

“Why do you get to escape your chores?” Will asked, completely cutting Camille off from her sentence. She tutted.

“He’s going to help cook dinner tonight,” Alec answered for him. “Bridget’s got the evening off, so he’s going to do it.”

“Am I?” Magnus asked, smirking, Alec throwing a small smile behind him as he started walking off. “I suppose that’s why.”

Camille, unhappy with not being the centre of the conversation, took Magnus’ hand and pulled him away. They walked down towards the ocean like that, though it was not easy considering the angle of the walk and how desperately Magnus was watching Alec, just a little ahead of them, walk easily, without a pretty, blonde girl attached to his hand.

When they got down to the beach, a few other couples and families there, fishing boats out at sea, Alec was already stripping himself of his shirt. Magnus watched his pale form become unveiled to the world as he kicked off his shoes, pointedly ignoring Camille taking off her dress beside him. She was trying to be enticing and, whilst she was, Magnus’ attention was, for the moment, attached to something else. He was just as pale, just as interestingly delicate, and much more appealing than Camille.

As they waded out into the shallows, slowly growing accustom to the temperature, Magnus almost grew fed up of Camille, constantly there, always right beside him. Alec was only a few metres away, close enough for a conversation but far away enough for them to have privacy. He didn’t want that privacy with her, he wanted it with Alec. And that was a very strong emotion Magnus wasn’t sure if he should act on or not.

“I bet you I can jump from up there,” Camille said, forcing Magnus’ attention back to her instead of the way the sun illuminated Alec’s long eyelashes. He turned to where she was pointing, up towards a small cliff edge where another couple were about to jump into the ocean together.

“Have you done it before?” Magnus asked, hoping she had so he wouldn’t have to fear for her safety.

“Maybe,” Camille said, desperate to impress Magnus and win back his favour she probably knew she was losing. “Would you like to see?”

“As long as you don’t kill yourself,” Magnus said. “Because that would be such a problem.”

Camille laughed. “If I do it, you must kiss me.”

“Sure,” Magnus agreed. Anything to get rid of her.

She kissed him on the cheek and ran out of the water, going to find the easiest spot to climb up. There were three other people attempting the climb as well, and Camille joined them easily. Magnus was glad to be rid of her, cautiously and carefully stepping towards Alec who was stood, knee-deep now, staring out into the ocean.

They stood in silence together for a moment, growing accustom to each other’s company without Camille. It was a fine thing; to listen to the waves gently crashing, to the people who were calling to each other happily, to Alec’s steady breathing. It was a fine thing indeed.

“Why do you play it?” Magnus asked, knowing there should have been some sort of opening to their conversation, but not wanting to waste their time together, alone.

Alec looked at him, slightly confused. Magnus knew he must know exactly what he was referring to, but he wasn’t going to admit it, Magnus knew that much about him, at least.

“You’ve played it a lot,” Magnus continued. “Is it… Is there a reason?”

Alec chewed his lip and nodded.

“Do I know that reason?” Magnus asked.

“I don’t know if I know the reason,” Alec said, looking back out to the stretch of water before him.

“But you know that there is one?”

“Yes.”

Magnus paused and wondered what he should say next. Alec took a few more steps out, the water slowly rising to his stomach. Following suit, Magnus felt the power of the water around him and wondered if it would be such a terrible thing to be pushed towards Alec by the waves.

“Are you avoiding me again?” Magnus asked.

“I didn’t mean to in the first place,” Alec said, not really answering the question.

“Have I done something wrong?”

“I just thought you might want to be alone with Camille.”

Magnus snorted, Alec looking at him, confused.

“Really?” Magnus asked, Alec not saying anything.

“You don’t want to be alone with her?”

“She’s… Alone, she’s….” Magnus wasn’t sure how to explain or how to put what he thought into words. There were such futile devices when it came down to it. In the end, he said, “I don’t think I do.”

“Why not?”

“I’m not sure.”

“But there is a reason?” Alec asked, almost smiling.

Magnus splashed water at him, and Alec laughed. It was the first time he had heard Alec laugh, and it was a proper and genuine and beautiful, _beautiful_ sound. He splashed Alec again, Alec splashing some in return.

Whilst it got them relatively drenched, there was a single droplet of water running down Alec’s cheek. On impulse, spurred by the moment, Magnus reached out to wipe it from his jaw, and ached in such a wonderful way to see that Alec did not retreat from his hand. To brush his fingers against the smooth skin of his jaw, what a wonder that would be.

But it did not happen.

“You must kiss me now,” a voice called, breaking the moment between them that could have been full of absolute wonder.

Magnus turned to Camille, who had appeared out of nowhere, furrowing his brow. “Did you do it?”

“Did you miss it?” Camille asked, almost offended. “I called your name. I thought you were looking.”

“I didn’t hear…”

“Ugh,” Camille sighed. “Well, I still did it, so you must still kiss me.”

Magnus did not want to, not this close to Alec, who was so obviously watching, waiting. But if he did not, Camille would be thoroughly pissed, and Magnus didn’t believe having an angry Camille at his doorstep would be any sort of fun.

He kissed her quickly, though she wanted more, and was done with it. He was still caught in the previous moment, enraptured with how close he had come to touching him, to feeling the smooth skin on his jaw. He swallowed, and smiled at Camille, who seemed to notice absolutely nothing. Turning, he saw Alec wading away from the two of them, going off to swim.

Camille took his face into her hands and made their eyes meet.

“Are you okay?” she asked, studying him. “Should we have gone to the river? It is cooler there.”

“I’m happy here,” Magnus said, and it was so truthful, it almost hurt.

“There is a lot of sun here,” Camille said, gently rubbing her thumbs over his cheeks. “I do so prefer the shade.”

“Then go to the river,” Magnus said.

“Okay, let’s go,” Camille said, letting both of her hands go from Magnus’ face and reaching down to grab his hand, pulling him out of the water.

“I didn’t-,” Magnus began.

“Don’t be silly, let’s go,” Camille interrupted. Maybe she had seen the moment and was pulling Magnus away for that reason, maybe she was just this desperate to be right, to get her own way. Magnus was not sure on any level, and could only throw an absolutely dejected look towards Alec who watched them leave, his face obstructed from his back being towards the sun and his face covered in shadows.


	9. Understanding Less but Knowing More

Alec had stayed swimming by himself for another couple of hours. He understood why they might have left, and he understood why they wouldn’t say anything to him. He was, after all, intruding on what might have been a very romantic day between them. Camille had most likely watched them splash each other, most likely seen Magnus reach out to touch him, and she had every right to take him away.

The salty water had kept him afloat, drifting from here to there, thoughts rampant in his mind. There was nothing to focus on, and the gentle laughter around him, the waves folding in on each other, the calls from families were enough to keep him present.

Magnus had almost touched him. His fingers had almost brushed against his skin, and, in that moment, Alec had wanted nothing more. He had wanted to feel the pads of his fingers, he had wanted to close his eyes and press his face into his touch. Everything in the world had come down to Alec yearning and craving Magnus, touching his wet skin. But it had not happened, and Alec wondered if it was for the best or not.

When he had decided enough was enough, Alec had gone back to the shore, sand filling his shoes and his shirt clinging to his wet skin, and made his way back up to the villa. The sun was beginning to cool over Italy, and Alec ignored how awful his feet felt, covered in sand, his skin still wet.

Inside the villa, Alec washed himself, getting rid of the sand and the salt that had set into his skin. He watched the dark, yellow wash away underneath the stream and wonder if it meant his moments on the beach with Magnus were gone as well, though he knew, deep down, this would remain with him forever. Nothing would be able to wash off the sensation that had coursed through him at the thought that Magnus might touch him.

He had stood in front of the mirror after washing, looking at his naked body. He looked at the tan lanes, the minute amount of hair on his chest and trailing from his navel. He wondered at the size of his cock between his legs, at how developed he had become since the summer before.

He also wondered at what would happen if Magnus walked in, seeing him naked. He hadn’t come back from the river, which Alec supposed they had gone to in the end, but Alec could dream.

Dressing, Alec left his room and considered what he was about to do. Confusion only led to more confusion when you let it fester and did not talk about it. He was not going to talk to his family, and he was not going to talk to Jace or Will. But he could talk to Tessa or Jem, maybe. He had become friends with them. Their friendship was not totally stable, but he was certainly more up to talking to them than to anyone else.

He had knocked on Tessa’s door first, but there had been no answer, so he went to Jem’s next. He had felt more nervous than ever when his voice had called that he could enter.

The room Jem was staying in had gone the most unchanged with Jem in it. The others had all moved in, making it their own for the summer. Jem’s was still very much a spare room with a touch of Jem, whilst the others were their rooms with just a touch of spare.

Jem was sat at the desk in the room, reading quietly. He turned when Alec came in, smiling his pleasant smile.

“Hello,” Jem greeted, looking at Alec and making him feel worse.

“Hi.”

“You okay?” Jem asked, Alec standing there silently.

Alec nodded, going to sit on the bed so he was closer to Jem and so things were more stable.

“I was, um…” Alec began, trying to think of a cohesive way to begin, but not knowing exactly how to phrase everything. “Can I talk to you?”

Jem laughed, because Alec was already doing just that, and Alec shook his head at himself.

“Of course,” Jem said, smiling.

“Right,” Alec said, gathering his thoughts. “This is going to sound totally juvenile, okay? But, please, hear me out.”

“Okay.”

“You’re older than me, so… you should have more life experience, right?”

“I suppose,” Jem answered, slowly, thinking about it.

“Right.” Alec paused. “How do you know the difference between wanting to impress someone… and _liking_ them?”

It was Jem’s turn to pause, and every second he didn’t answer absolutely killed Alec. He tried waiting patiently, but his body was aching for an answer, and time only passed slower because of it.

“Can they not come one and the same?” Jem asked, looking directly at Alec, perhaps figuring him out perfectly, though Alec hoped not.

Alec shrugged.

“It’s not an easy question to answer, but,” Jem began, thinking long and hard. “I would say that impressing someone becomes romantic when failing to impress someone hurts.”

Alec nodded, though he wasn’t sure his question had been answered.

“Am I wrong to assume you want this answered because you want to impress someone at the moment?” Jem asked, quietly, unpressured.

Alec chewed his lip and nodded. He could trust Jem. He wouldn’t tell him who, but he could trust him.

“It’s not…” Jem cleared his throat. “It’s not me, is it?”

Alec’s eyes widened. “What? No? That’s crazy. You’re… You’re, you know, a boy, so…”

Jem smiled a very gentle smile. “Boys can like other boys, Alec.”

Looking down, ashamed, Alec said, “Right. Of course they can.”

“I think, perhaps,” Jem began after a lengthy pause. “If you have to ask yourself that question, maybe you already know the answer.”

Alec had been fearful of that answer, and he only nodded. Alec might have said more, but Bridget came and found him, telling him he had to begin making dinner if he ever wanted to be finished in a decent time. He had thanked Jem for his guidance, and gone downstairs, completely forgetting he had told Magnus he would be helping with dinner just before they had gone swimming.

He hadn’t been entirely sure what he was going to do with the information he had gotten from Jem. He wasn’t even entirely sure why he had bothered asking in the first place, none of the answers he thought he was going to get were going to be of any help. Now he had this information, and it wasn’t helping anything.

And it confused him even more when Magnus came into the kitchen. He had changed since Alec had seen him at the ocean, now wearing loose shorts and a loose, blue shirt. He hadn’t meant to stare, but he did. Even though he had spoken to Jem, he was left more confused than when he began, but maybe that was just Magnus. He did seem a conflicting presence in Alec’s life.

Alec had already begun cooking, everything underway when Magnus joined him. He wasn’t entirely sure how much cooking Magnus had done in his life, but Alec had done a lot. If Magnus needed assistance, Alec thought he would be more than happy to help him.

“What are we making?” Magnus asked, coming over and leaning on the counter beside Alec. More than ever, Alec admired the skin that was not covered by Magnus’ shirt; the deep, olive strip underneath his collarbone, coming down from his neck, all enchanting. It made a little more sense now, Alec thought, enjoying Magnus in his casual clothes, somewhat more throat-drying than when Magnus was half-naked, it was the mystery behind it, he supposed, though he did know exactly what Magnus looked like half-naked. Again, Magnus was a baffling presence.

“Carbonara,” Alec said, a dish he had made a thousand times before.

Magnus nodded, Alec trying not to stare at the smooth skin along his neck. He was also trying not to stare at his lips as he spoke, but the other place to look was his eyes, and they were a green Alec would easily be lost to.

“Where do you want me?” Magnus asked.

Alec absolutely detested his choice of words and what they made him think. Then he detested himself for what he was thinking. Magnus was with Camille. This was not something to happen between the two of them. Not ever.

“Over there is good,” Alec said, pointing at the cheese grater.

“You want me to grate cheese?” Magnus asked, heading over towards the counter with the parmesan.

“Sure,” Alec said. “If you feel up to it.”

Magnus threw him back a grin as he settled his hands on the grater. “I think I can manage.”

Alec smiled back at him.

They cooked in silence for a moment, the sizzling of food their company, as well as their synched breathing. Alec seasoned like he had seen his parents and Bridget do a thousand times, eternally comforted by Magnus’ presence in the room.

“I’m sorry for leaving you today,” Magnus said, quietly as he grated. Alec glanced at him, seeing that Magnus was staring at his work and not at Alec, which was more of a relief than Alec could understand. If Magnus watched him, Alec thought Magnus might figure things out that even Alec didn’t understand. He wasn’t prepared for that possibility.

“That’s all right. I presumed Camille just really wanted to go to the river.” It had been all right. Alec couldn’t keep Magnus all to himself just because he wanted to comprehend things.

“Mm.”

“Is she staying for dinner?” Alec hoped there wasn’t as much to be read into that as he had thought there might.

“No. I made a point of walking her back to the road she lives on.”

“Because, alone, she’s…” Alec said, purposefully repeating the words Magnus had used earlier.

Magnus turned to look at Alec then, smirking. Alec allowed a smirk in return before looking away, always feeling so watched underneath his gaze, more so than made sense. He felt like Magnus was watching everything, _studying_ everything, and Alec never knew what to do when he was watching him, when they were watching each other.

“She’s exactly that,” Magnus said.

There was another pause, Alec wondering if he should continue this conversation or start something else. But he wanted answers, he wanted to know things, he wanted to know Magnus. If it got too much, he would abort the conversation and start something else, but if it didn’t, maybe Alec would understand things.

“You don’t like her?” Alec asked, quietly so Magnus could pretend he hadn’t heard if he wanted to.

“It’s just…” Magnus sighed. “When I envisioned my summer here, I didn’t envision her.”

“And what did you envision?”

“I just imagined… I don’t know, something else.”

Alec looked at Magnus, wondering what he was thinking. He was still staring at his work, watching the cheese grow smaller. Alec decided watching him was much more interesting than cooking, though he supposed he should probably focus on the latter. Magnus was distracting, however.

“Not her?” Alec asked, watching Magnus furrow his brow as he thought.

“Not her,” Magnus repeated. “And not that she’s not lovely… She’s just not…”

“Just not what you imagined,” Alec finished for him.

“Exactly,” Magnus agreed.

“Did you imagine someone during your summer?” Alec asked, not sure where it was going at this point, but just wanting to talk to him.

“I’m not sure,” Magnus answered, almost hesitant. “What do you imagine for your summers?”

“I don’t imagine anyone for my summers.”

“Not at all?” Magnus asked, looking at Alec and furrowing his brow.

Alec shook his head. “Not at all.”

It felt thoroughly revealing, but Alec wasn’t sure what it was that he was revealing. They were looking at each other, studying each other, and Alec didn’t know, whatsoever, what it was that he was studying.

“And what is it, you do imagine for your summers?” Magnus asked, slowly looking back to his grating.

“I guess it’s just usually a bunch of people coming over to stay at the villa. Not… Not anything like her.”

“You don’t imagine anything ever like her? Nothing at all?”

“Like you and Camille?” Alec asked, feeling his heart in his mouth as Magnus looked back towards him, his eyes a forest Alec could easily get lost in. He was already lost, and he swallowed, though his throat had grown dry.

Magnus nodded.

Slowly, Alec replied, “No. I never imagine it with someone like Camille.”

Alec was only half-aware of what his words meant. Maybe they meant more to Magnus, maybe they meant something revealing. Alec felt he sort of understood his words, what he was implying, what he was saying about himself. He wasn’t fully aware, but they did mean something, something important, he supposed.

As they watched each other, Magnus asked, “With someone at all?”

Alec shrugged, but it meant more yes than no.

“Just not… someone like her?” Magnus asked, still watching Alec. Alec swallowed.

“No. Not like her.”

“Then… what are they like?”

Alec thought for a very long time about his words. Magnus watched him as Alec pushed himself off the counter he had been leaning on, ready to finish their meal. He knew what he wanted to say. He knew what he _should_ say. Those two things were very different things.

One would imply something he wasn’t prepared to deal with, and the other would allow them to continue with their summer. Magnus could spend it with Camille, and Alec could spend it as he always spent it. If he said the former, something wild might happen, and if he said the latter, if he said a lie after he had finally met what he had wanted for the summer without even realising what he wanted, Alec could keep going as if he hadn’t realised anything about himself.

Magnus was still watching him, and Alec straightened up, still thinking. Magnus would wait for his answer, Alec was sure of that. This was something that irrevocably change what they meant to each other, and Alec was also sure of that.

Remembering what he had said on their night walking together after Magnus had decided not to go on the night swim with Camille, Alec said, “Older… Pretty…”

He bit his bottom lip as he looked at Magnus who was, as Alec had thought he would be, still watching him. He watched as Magnus remembered that night as well, as Magnus came to understand what that meant. They watched each other as they figured out what came next in this exchange.

But they did not get to figure that out because their silence which was full of anticipation and wonderment was broken by six people walking into the room. It broke the air almost visibly and Alec turned away, wondering if what had just happened would be visible to everyone in the room. He willed his face to return to a normal colour, checking on the temperatures and hoping he would remember what behaving normally around a person was like.

“We are very hungry,” Will said, Jace jumping up on the counter. Alec would have yelled at him or told him to get off if he wasn’t so consciously aware of Magnus in the room, looking at him and then away from him again.

“Are you as good a cook as Bridget?” Tessa asked, pleasantly, Max following Jace’s suit and scrambling up onto the counter, having to climb on the chair first. Jace ruffled his hair, and Max seemed fond of the encounter.

“I try,” Alec said after cleaning his throat.

“He’s a wonderful cook,” Izzy said, kissing her brother on the cheek. “Just slower. More methodical.”

“I think I should take that as a compliment,” Alec said, and she smiled at him.

They were not left alone then as they cooked. Magnus set the table, with Max and Will’s help, and Jem helped Alec prepare the actual meal. Even though Alec had expected Magnus to do that, he was glad Jem had done it. He was not prepared to be alone with Magnus for a while. This had changed them, and Alec did not know if it was for the better or not.

Magnus asked where a certain dish was that Maryse, who was sat at the table with their other guests and her husband for the evening, had asked for, and Alec had only been able to point at the cupboard. The others were even in the room, and Alec had not been able to speak to him. This, Alec was sure, did not bode well for what their future might hold.

As Magnus had stretched up to reach the dish, able to reach it on his toes whereas Bridget would have needed Alec to help or a stool, a wonderfully olive strip of skin had become unveiled, his shirt sliding up. There was a strip of underwear Alec could see as well, and he had not been able to look away. As this was meant to be hidden, quite unlike when he was swimming and wearing only trunks, it felt secret, and to have it unveiled now was like looking at a treasure Alec had coveted for an age. He had stared and bitten his lip.

When it had disappeared, Magnus settling back to stand, Alec had looked away, shaking his head from the mirage. But his eyes had landed on Jem, who was already looking at him, smiling, knowing. Alec had felt frozen in time, like his life had tumbled and spiralled out in front of him. He had looked at Jem in fear, turning away, and then grabbed the meal to start serving.

To his absolute horror, he and Magnus were sat next to each other. Not only had Jem absolutely and totally seen him looking at Magnus, practically lusting after him, he was now meant to sit next to him, both with Jem knowing about what he had done, and after what he had spoken about. This dinner was, most definitely, going to be the hardest dinner of his life. There was absolutely no part of it that was going to be okay.

Throughout the first part of the meal, Alec had been conscious to not touch Magnus; he would not allow their arms or their hands to brush as they passed food around. He would not even look at him or speak to him. He also avoided all eye contact with the end of the table where Jem was sat. If he and Jem made eye contact, Alec would grow even more shameful than he already was.

As they passed around seconds to anybody who might want seconds, Alec’s guard momentarily slipped and, in order to grab a bowl Jace was offering him, Alec felt his knee brush Magnus’. It had only been a second and they had barely touched, but it had been there. He had felt his knee touch his and it had sent a river of sensations running through him.

Even though he told himself to not do it again, to avoid him and to inch away, he craved it. It hadn’t even been much, they had barely touched each other, but it had been enough to send Alec’s cravings wild.

There was a chance Magnus hadn’t even felt it. It had been that slight, it had been that minute, that unnoticeable that anyone, who wasn’t fearing touching another person, would have totally ignored, would have not even noticed. But Alec had been hyperaware of his skin, of any chance their hands might brush, and he hadn’t been paying attention to his knees. It had led to this, and Alec didn’t realise how thankful he would be for that.

Inches, maybe even centimetres away, Magnus’ knee was, ready to be brushed against. Alec shouldn’t even be thinking about it. He should have ignored every single ounce of him that wanted this, that wanted to touch Magnus in absolutely any way possible.

But he wasn’t listening to that part of him.

As he picked salad up with his fork, he let his knee sidle just that little bit closer to where Magnus’ was. Magnus could pull away, and that would be fine. They could touch for even a millisecond longer, and that would be fine. They might never touch again, and that would be fine, because Alec would remember what it had been like to touch him, even for a second.

Their knees touched again.

Magnus didn’t pull his away.

Alec felt a small victory. He wasn’t entirely sure what it was, just that his heart was pounding and it was a complete rush, just to touch his knee with his own knee, an exciting prospect. Maybe their future wasn’t as jeopardised as Alec thought.

As Magnus did move his knee, Alec thought it was over, but he only moved it so he could touch more of Alec’s leg with his own. They were both wearing shorts, and their bare legs touching felt dangerous, infused with something intimate and secretive. Alec could feel the hairs on Magnus’ legs, could feel the warmth from his skin, and it was filling him with adrenaline.

They continued with their meal, their legs and knees touching, pretending they were invested in the conversation when, in reality, their minds were focused entirely on how much of their skin was touching the other. They were the only two in the world aware of it, their own little secret, and Alec would guard it to his chest forever.

When they had to break apart because Alec had to get the ice cream, Alec felt the loss, he truly did, but he also felt charged. It wasn’t much, but it had been more than enough for Alec to go on for the rest of his life, if it came to that.

“We’re playing poker after,” Will was saying when Alec came out bearing, carefully and cleverly, ice cream for those who wanted it. “Want to join?”

“Sure,” Magnus said.

“Alec?” Jem asked, and Alec still could not bring himself to look at him.

“Thanks, but I’m okay,” Alec answered, giving Jem his bowl and not looking at him.

That entire interaction meant Alec did not search out Magnus’ knee when he sat back down. He was aware of how close they were, how easy it would be, but he did not touch him. If Jem knew, Alec was sure he would be ridiculed forever, and he did not want that.

Robert and Maryse went off with the other guests when everyone was finished, Alec, Magnus, Isabelle, and Tessa helping to clear the tables. It meant he was never alone with Magnus or Jem, and Alec thanked his lucky stars for that. Although Alec had felt such a rush just touching Magnus, it was a secret. Alec felt it must be kept that way, locked away in a little box where this day would be kept. He might refer to it in times of confusion and envy, but not any other time.

They were going inside, going to the living room where they could play poker and Alec caught Jem just before he went in, needing to clear things with him before the night claimed them and Jem thought awful things about him.

“Hey,” Alec greeted, nervous, embarrassed, ashamed.

“Hey, Alec,” Jem replied, smiling, and it felt worse because of that smile. It could have masked judgement, Alec thought, and Alec did not wish for judgement from Jem.

“Earlier… you know, when…” Alec began, fumbling because he didn’t know how else to begin. He cleared his throat. “Just, I wasn’t, you know… It wasn’t… I wouldn’t want… It was, um…”

Jem laughed gently through his nose and Alec shook his head of himself.

Slowly, gently, Jem said, “Boys can like other boys, Alec.”

“Right.” It felt more like a punch to the gut than anything he knew, but he supposed it was also good news. He wasn’t sure which part to focus on more. “I just didn’t want you to think…”

“I don’t think anything.” He smiled his gentle smile, and it calmed only a few of Alec’s nerves.

“Would you not tell him?” Alec asked.

“Do you think I would?” Jem asked, and not unkindly, more curious.

Alec shrugged. “No. I just…” He sighed, long and hard. It had been a taxing day full of taxing things. Thank you,” he said, finally, desperate for bed.

“Goodnight, Alec.”

“Goodnight, Jem.”

Alec retreated upstairs as quickly as he could, and tossed and turned all night. He would admit to no one that he dreamt of blue shirts, and knees brushing until he was filled with a young man’s ecstasy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, as I’m going on holiday next week, there won’t be an update for two weeks as I won’t have access to my laptop. I know it’s cruel to make you all wait so long when it’s starting to get interesting, but the next update should be on the fourteenth of July. 
> 
> Thank you all for reading and thank you in advance for your patience x


	10. Achingly Close and Yet Nowhere Near

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone, I am back from my holiday and thank you all for being patient x

****Poker had been full of distractions that night; he could not stop thinking about the entire day and how utterly confusing and wild it had been, from the second he had gotten up to the very second he was losing at poker. Alec had played piano for him, they had spoken intimately in the ocean, and then there had been an intimate and yet cryptic conversation as they made dinner, and then there was the incident at dinner. Magnus was baffled.

There was a part of him that had hoped he was going to stay to play poker, so they might be able to touch some more. Even if it was just the brushing of their knees, Magnus would have been content. But Alec had gone to bed, and it had left Magnus in a more confused state of being than before.

He didn’t often lose, or lose this badly, at poker. His mind just was not there. Everyone kept asking him what had happened, but Magnus just said it wasn’t his night. It really wasn’t. There were far too many other things on his mind.

Magnus lost very quickly after Jace, and decided he wouldn’t stay for the absolute shame that was about to be poured over him. As he traced the stairs, he continued to think about dinner. Alec could have meant absolutely anything when they were talking, and Magnus could have interpreted it a thousand more ways. Trying to decipher which one Alec meant was impossible, but people were cryptic things, and Magnus thought pushing it would make it worse.

Going into his own room, he realised, perhaps for the first time, perhaps something he had ignored, just how close they were. Alec was on the other side of the balcony, on the other side of a door, just beyond the bathroom, right there. There wasn’t any movement or sound coming from there now, Magnus believing Alec had gone to sleep, but Magnus realised just how close they were, how easy it was to see him if he wanted to see him. Right now probably wouldn’t be a good time, but he could. He so very easily could.

After a couple of hours of trying to sleep, Magnus gave up. Pulling on some clothes and shoes, Magnus left as quietly as he could and traced down the little path until he was sitting on the beach. The only sounds in the world were the ocean and the very gentle melody of the few clubs that were still playing music for those who stayed up until the sun rose. The moon was reflecting into the waves, obscuring its perfect sphere.

It didn’t do much to clear his head as, for the most part, he kept thinking about Alec when they had gone swimming here only a few hours before, Camille, desperate for his attention, receiving none of it. The air was much cooler and there had been far more people there when it had happened, but this was the same beach, and it was stirring up those fresh memories.

The salt in the air was thick, and Magnus breathed it in. Closing his eyes, he lay down, knowing the sand would be awful to get rid of, but not caring. Everything had been just a touch overwhelming, and Magnus just wanted the waves to send him to sleep. His mind was running quickly, but there was very little there that made much sense. Alec was avoiding him at one point and then making their legs touch at another. Every time Magnus thought he had made sense of even a piece of him, it was stirred up and nothing made sense again.

And, even if he did make sense of him, there was this awful issue of what he should do with Camille now. She was pleasant enough, not an unattractive presence, and she was interested in him fully, totally and completely showing that. If anything did make sense with Alec, anything that meant they could act on something, Camille was still around. Magnus doubted she would take that news very well.

Running his fingers through the dry sand around him, he thought about Alec’s laugh, and the feeling of their legs touching, and of Alec’s vulnerable blue eyes over and over again until he was dreaming those things, taking them from reality into another realm entirely. Those dreams did nothing to help either.

The next morning, Magnus awoke to the brightest of suns, and made his way back up to the villa just as others were embarking down for the day. He was sure he looked a state, but he cared little. He was exhausted, and he wanted answers he wasn’t likely to get.

“Where have you been?” Will asked as Magnus sat down at the table outside, everyone else already there. Again, he was sure he looked an absolute state, but, maybe, if Alec saw him like this, he might take pity on him and soothe him of his ailments. It was unlikely, but Magnus was desperate to get anything from him.

“I was at the beach,” Magnus said, happily taking some peach juice and drinking it down.

“This early?” Tessa asked.

Magnus shrugged. He tried to make eye contact with Alec, but Alec was appearing to find his toast entirely more interesting than anything else. Apparently, he was not going to take pity on Magnus. Not a surprise, unfortunately.

The conversation turned away from Magnus then, and it was, ultimately, a relief. He kept trying to look at Alec, to make their eyes meet as they ate breakfast, but it wasn’t working. Alec didn’t even say a word and he didn’t even look up from his food. Yesterday might have ruined him completely, and Magnus so didn’t want that to be true. The truth might have been an unfortunate reality, and Magnus wondered if they should take it back just so they could start talking again. Just talking was better than not even looking at each other.

“Bonjour!” The absolute last person Magnus wanted to hear was now here. Some replied. Magnus did not. Instead, he watched Alec slowly look up to her as she rode over to their table, and watch him as his shoulders sank and the life drained from his eyes. Alec looked at him then, for only a second, before he looked away again, and Magnus ached for him; he ached because he felt he had betrayed him, and he ached because he wanted him.

She came over and kissed him on the cheek. Magnus offered her only a smile. It wasn’t only the public display of affection that was getting to Magnus today. It was not going to be an easy day, Magnus could feel it in his bones.

Grabbing a spare chair, she pulled it up and sat beside Magnus, just as Alec stood. Magnus watched him, desperate to follow him, desperate to get away from Camille.

“Are you helping in the orchard today?” Maryse asked, Alec trying to get away quietly, it not working.

“Uh, no,” Alec said, quiet. “I’ve got things to do.”

“Okay.”

“I won’t be here for dinner, either,” Alec said, kissing his mother’s cheek. It nearly snapped Magnus’ heart in two for he knew he was the culprit.

“Okay,” Maryse replied. “Salut.”

“Salut.”

Some others called out the same to Alec. Magnus did not. He just watched and felt a piece of him leave as Alec disappeared.

The day was full of ache and pain. Camille was absolutely set on having every ounce of his attention, though Magnus didn’t have it in him. When he went to take a shower to rid himself of the salt and the sand, Camille said she could join him. Magnus almost had to force her to stay downstairs to keep that from happening. When she wanted to go to the river, Magnus struggled to inform her he had chores to do for the Lightwoods where she, again, suggested he should just come and stay with her for the next few weeks. When she wanted to kiss underneath an apricot tree, Magnus had to tell her he thought he was coming down with something just to stop her.

It did not.

She said she would happily get sick with him, which, in any other situation, would have been endearing. In fact, to anybody who was truly interested in her, she would have been an absolute delight. Magnus just wasn’t that person, and he felt a great shame in pretending he might have been, in leading her to that conclusion. She would be difficult to get rid of, Magnus thought, as she pulled him through the villa to kiss him, making him press her against the wall.

It was a romantic situation, and Italy felt romantic, and the villa and the beach and the river all felt completely and utterly romantic. Magnus just wasn’t feeling it for her. Every ounce of him was beginning to understand what he was feeling for Alec, though that was a totally overwhelming and confusing realisation.

Camille was kissing his neck, and Magnus was not thinking about her, but about Alec. Her pale hands were almost, other than colour, the completely opposite to the hands he wanted, and yet they were still the ones touching him. Her green eyes were not even close to the ones he would study for hours if given the chance. She was Camille, and Magnus just wanted Alec.

Thankfully, she didn’t get to take it any further because Jem and Will came into the room. They didn’t see how pressed into his body she had become, and Magnus was also thankful for that. The ridicule would be endless.

“Is Alec back yet?” Magnus asked, Camille taking his hand and walking with him until they were back outside, the sun hitting them like a wall. Magnus was trying to be discreet, but he noticed Jem’s little smile, and he worried he had revealed himself.

Will shrugged. “He said he’d be out for the day, didn’t he? Not even back for dinner.”

Magnus nodded.

“Why?”

“I just…” Magnus struggled for an answer, thrown by Jem’s smile. “I wanted to run an errand in town, I thought he would know best.”

It seemed an acceptable answer, and they both nodded. Camille wasn’t even paying attention, she was looking at the sky, watching some birds flying above. It was utterly relieving.

After that, Magnus could not stop wondering where Alec was and thinking about just how much better his day would have been if Alec was in sight. They picked more fruit, bathed by the pool, and cut fruit with Bridget. It was a normal, average, perfectly fine day, and Alec would have made it a perfect day. Magnus could have joked with Alec, he could have watched him swim, he could have cut fruit beside him. Just his presence would have improved the entire day.

They were bathing by the pool again, Camille draping herself over the concrete, an ankle and a wrist swaying in the pool. Magnus was swimming lengths leisurely, wondering how much better it would be if Alec was swimming beside him. He kept glancing at Camille, at her thin, pale form basking underneath the sunlight. She was oblivious, living in her own little world, hair tied up in a messy bun. She was beautiful, there was absolutely no doubt about that, and, although she knew she was beautiful, she was lovely. She deserved his attention, his affection. If Alec wanted to disappear the second anything happened, then maybe that was on him. Magnus shouldn’t have to suffer for that. Camille was there, ready for Magnus’ affection, and why shouldn’t she have it?

But every time he willed himself to go towards her, to swim over to her and just kiss her or something, he could not. Nothing within his power was allowing him to, no amount of force meant he was going to do it. He wished he could, but it felt wrong on some level.

And, somewhat rubbing it in his face, Clary and Jace, who had begun a heated and succinct and totally without drama fling, were sat next to each other, their sun-heated skin touching. They were young, probably already in love, and they were happy with that. There was no confusion, there were no boundaries, there was nothing stopping them from engaging in whatever it was that they wanted to engage in. They were laughing, wading their feet in the cool water, enjoying each other’s company. How envious Magnus grew.

When Camille sat up, complaining how dry the air felt, Magnus merely smiled. She jumped into the pool beside him, cooling her hot skin. Magnus continued to swim lengths, not interested. As she could probably tell, she swam over to Tessa instead, as she was always delightful to talk to. Magnus just continued to swim, letting his body work as his mind was too exhausted to think about anything.

Dinner was just as taxing, Camille remaining as the sun sank, touching his arm, laughing a flirtatious sort of laugh at anything that was even remotely funny. She was likely just trying to show Magnus she had a sense of humour. Magnus just wasn’t in the mood for it.

What he was really in the mood for was alone time. Or, better yet, time with Alec. Preferably alone, where they could exist together, maybe they could talk or maybe they could just be silent together. Anything, any moment at all with Alec would sort his head out. Well, it might actually confuse him further, but at least they might be together for a moment. But Alec had disappeared for the entire day, and Magnus didn’t think they would be alone together again for a long, long while.

Two long hours after dinner, everyone sitting in the front room, listening to music and talking lightly, Alec Lightwood decided to re-enter their lives. Everything else disappeared as Magnus heard the pads of his feet on the floor, walking past the door. Everyone turned to look at him, but he was headed straight for the stairs. Magnus felt even more broken than before.

“Hey, Alec,” Jem said, forcing Alec to turn around.

“Hi,” Alec replied, avoiding all eye contact, Magnus staring at him, wondering at him and all his mystery.

“How was your day?” Jem asked, keeping Alec in the room. Alec took a few steps forward and leant on the doorframe, not wanting to come any closer than he had to.

“Not so bad.”

“Play us that song, Alec,” Camille said, her head in Magnus’ lap, Magnus not touching her now, not in front of Alec.

“What song?” Alec asked, looking directly at Camille, not even a glance towards Magnus.

“The one you always play,” Camille answered. “Play it for us.”

Alec considered it, and looked like he was about to say no.

“Or anything,” Jem said. “Anything at all would be wonderful.”

Nodding, Alec came into the room, everyone sitting up to listen. Except Camille; she just settled in further, tucking herself up into Magnus. He still did not touch her, but she didn’t seem to mind. She had her head in his lap, and that was all she wanted.

He took a second to think about it, considering things in his head, before he started to play. He didn’t play the original composition of ‘Clair de Lune’, but a variation of it, an interesting touch to the piece that had Magnus listening even more intently than before. He was trying to gain some meaning out of it, trying to work out why Alec was playing it like this, after everything that had happened. There might have been nothing to it at all, it really might have just been something Alec wanted to play. It really could have been that.

But, given everything that had happened so far, Magnus thought there was more to it, that there _had_ to be more to it. What it was, Magnus wasn’t entirely sure. It could have been Alec trying to figure everything out himself, perhaps even him trying to convey that something had changed, the piece itself changing. There could have been a thousand reasons, and Magnus just wanted to know the actual reason.

Each key was played with thought, with something to it. Would everyone else hear it? Was there anyone else who heard and read as much into it as Magnus? Almost definitely not, Magnus decided, but he supposed that was just another part of Alec; only a few were privy to his little world, to his secrets and to his ways.

As he continued to play, Magnus allowed the rest of the world to fade away. The only thing in the world Magnus wanted to pay attention to was Alec and his piano. The room was charged now, full of an energy it had lacked before. Even though Jace had played a few tunes beforehand, it was not the same. There was nothing as sensational as Alec at the piano, playing something Magnus loved, particularly his own rendition of the thing Magnus loved.

Magnus never wanted it to end, he wanted to stay in this realm forever. This was their little space, and, whilst it was full of other people, it was still theirs, it belonged only to them. Every moment, every key, it was theirs, and, whilst Magnus might not understand every aspect of it, he craved every piece and he would keep them forever in his heart.

When it did end, reality crashed back onto him, almost smothering him. The room was clapping, Magnus the last to join the group. Alec was gracious in accepting his praise. He was still desperate to make eye contact with him, but Alec merely bowed his head, and stood.

He was asked to play another, but he shook his head, claiming he was tired. Magnus was entirely sure there was more to it, but he wasn’t going to say that, not to a full room, that was. He just let Alec go, feeling that part of him go again.

They stayed together for a little while longer, drinking, talking, listening to Jace play something on the piano in lieu of Alec. Then, thankfully, everyone decided to retreat to bed, Magnus being more than ready for sleep to claim him. He still had to say goodbye to Camille, but he was looking forward to the alone time afterwards, and that was going to get him through it.

They went outside again, Magnus trying to keep them away from the view of the balcony, but Camille was oblivious. She walked a little further out, and Magnus had to follow her, knowing just how visible they would be from the balcony.

“You could invite me back inside,” Camille said, implication heavy as she fiddled with the lapel of Magnus’ shirt.

“I don’t know,” Magnus said, quietly, hoping anybody who might be on the balcony would not be able to hear their conversation.

“Why not?” Camille asked, looking up into Magnus’ eyes through as lidded eyes as she could muster.

“It’s right beside Alec’s room.” Even saying his name felt secret, saying it to Camille felt like giving away everything. Even allowing him into the conversation, it was far too much to allow Camille, Magnus thought, to allow her an insight into his mind this way. “It wouldn’t feel… I just couldn’t.”

Camille nodded, understanding. She still seemed disappointed, but Magnus would much rather this than tell her the truth. The truth would probably be awful to hear. “Well, I shall see you soon then.”

“Not tomorrow?” Magnus asked, hoping that didn’t come off as wanting her to come around tomorrow, though he thought it probably did.

She smiled, confirming she had taken it in a way Magnus had not intended. “I am busy tomorrow. But perhaps the day after.”

“Okay.”

“Bonne nuit, Magnus,” Camille said, leaning up and kissing Magnus gently on the mouth.

“Goodnight,” Magnus said, not standing to watch her leave on her bike.

Sighing, Magnus climbed the stairs. A day free of Camille was an exciting prospect, but the idea of spending it alone, completely without Alec who might very well disappear, that was not so exciting. Of course, he couldn’t spend every second of the day with him, but a snippet, a slice of spending some time with him, that would be more than enough. He wouldn’t likely get it, but he could hope, he supposed.

“Hey,” a voice greeted him as he went to go into his room. It had made him jump. The house was otherwise silent and dark, full of shadows Magnus had paid no attention to. There was one shadow he should have paid attention to, and he looked towards him, leaning against an open window at the end of the hall, making him all shadows and angles.

“Hi,” Magnus replied, not sure if he should go towards him or stay where he was. Being so confused meant remained, watching, holding his breath almost. With Alec here, it meant he likely hadn’t seen his goodbye to Camille because he hadn’t been on the balcony, observing them. However, there was also the chance he had seen and then come here to wait for him. Magnus wasn’t sure which one was more likely.

The silence between them was heavy then, expectant on both their parts. It was also a charged silence, one that made Magnus thrive. They were waiting, but Magnus wasn’t sure what for.

“Did you go swimming at the river today?” Alec asked, Magnus wondering what he was implying, only picking up about half of the implication.

“No.” Magnus shook his head, wanting to go closer to Alec, but feeling he probably shouldn’t. “We stayed by the pool.”

Alec nodded, only visible because his shadow moved.

“Did you go swimming today?” Magnus asked.

“No,” Alec said, pushing himself off the wall and stepping towards Magnus. They were closer now, but Alec’s face was no more distinguishable, everything around them so dark.

“What did you do?”

“Saw some friends,” Alec said. “Just went riding, really.”

Magnus nodded. “For any reason?”

Alec nodded. That usually meant the conversation was over, Magnus had learned that much over their time together. And, no matter how badly Magnus did not want it to be over, no matter how much he craved their time together to go on for longer, to last much longer than it already did, there was no way Magnus could force it. If Alec wanted to leave, Magnus absolutely had to let him.

They didn’t say anything more as Alec went into his room, Magnus watching him go. Sometimes, their interactions were baffling and confusing, and Magnus had absolutely no idea what to think. Right now was one of those times, and he went into his room without any solid idea about anything.

Alec had waited for him, to have that conversation, and Magnus could not figure out what that meant. Was it to rub it in his face that he had had a pleasant day whilst Magnus had been drained, spending it with Camille? Was it so they could talk to each other for the first time since their odd conversation as they cooked dinner? Was it just because Alec had wanted to wait for him? There was no way for Magnus to figure it out by himself, but he thoroughly believed that Alec would not want to talk about it if he asked.

Part of him wanted to go out onto the balcony, see if Alec was there waiting for him, but another part of him knew Alec had probably gone straight to sleep. He went to bed instead, sleeping in his underwear, feeling the heat of the night already. It was, as ever, not an easy sleep, and he couldn’t stop thinking about Alec being there, just in the next room. If he had ever thought this summer was going to be easy, he had been thoroughly wrong.


	11. Caught and Content

The sun woke Alec up the next day, indicating he had slept far longer than he cared to, the sun rising high into the sky. He never slept in, unless he was sick or had gone to bed super late. It was the latter last night, tossing and turning, wondering at things larger than his comprehension.

No one had come in to wake him up, which Alec was sure he should be glad about. He would have wanted someone in particular to wake him up, but that was never going to happen. He was likely pissing Magnus off with his confusion, for it was surely pissing himself off as well. If he was honest, it wasn’t even confusion at this point, it was pretty certain in his mind, but he could not act on it. Magnus was with Camille, and he hadn’t stopped being with her since Alec confessed his confusion to him at dinner, and Alec didn’t think he should act on it if that was the case.

He lay in bed, just staring at his ceiling, willing himself to get up, but not wanting to. Camille would almost definitely be there. Whilst she was fine, Alec hated seeing them together, he hated watching them, and lusting after that, after what they might have together.

There was the gentle sound of conversation coming through his open window, and he was listening out for her voice as well as his. He could hear Magnus every now and again, not what he was saying, but just the velvety tones of his voice, but he couldn’t hear her. It seemed likely she wasn't here because there was no way she could be quiet for that long, but Alec wasn't going to make himself all giddy because Camille was leaving them alone for the day. If he went down all happy because he thought she wasn't there and it turned out she was, it would make his day ten times worse than anticipating she _was_ there.

He remained in his bed at least another hour, which made him feel awfully guilty for wasting so much of the day, but he couldn’t will himself out of the bed. He kept running things over and over in his head, and the minutes just disappeared. Every time he looked at the clock in his room, the hands had moved more than he could comprehend, and it was exhausting, continuing to keep him in bed.

When the time came for him to eventually get out of bed, he just stood there for a moment, letting the sun seep through the window and coat the naked parts of his body in warmth. It was a relaxing sort of feeling, and he closed his eyes, wondering if he should even bother doing anything today. He could just sit in here and read at his desk, not even bother going downstairs and seeing anybody. No one would likely mind, and it would get him through the day, whatever kind of day it was going to be avoidable at this point.

He dressed in swimming trunks, taking his time, not caring to be hasty. The conversations had become quiet downstairs, and Alec didn’t even care to wonder where they might have gone. So much of him just wanted to stay in his room all day, avoid the outside world, but that was a juvenile thing and he had to pretend he was more mature than that.

As he cleaned his teeth and washed his face, Alec looked over to the door that connected to Magnus’ room. It was slightly ajar, and Alec couldn’t help but peer into his room, maybe to see if he was there, maybe to just look at what he had done to it.

Stepping closer, he gently pulled the door open to reveal the room in its completion; he hadn’t been in here since they had all arrived, and he hadn’t seen it since either, never peering in, never looking into it when he could. It was very much made to be Magnus’; there were his clothes, some strewn about the place, some folded, one of the doors to his wardrobe open to show the ones he had hung up. He had brought more clothes than any of their other guests before, but Alec always liked to see what Magnus would be wearing when he came down in the morning, and he had yet to wear the same thing twice. There were some of his books, though he hadn’t brought many, on the little desk, and he had a couple of letters there as well, ones Alec was definitely not going to pry in to. He might have been in his room now, but that was a step too far.

Breathing it in, Alec stepped in further, letting the entire room envelop him. It smelled like Magnus, Alec supposed, though Magnus often smelt like the ocean or sweat considering he had been living in their Italy for so long now. Whatever Magnus had smelled like before he came here, Alec didn’t know.

If he had the time, and the mindset, he would have studied every detail of the room to figure out what he had moved, what he had kept the same, what was his, and what was the Lightwood’s. But he didn’t know if he had any time, and he definitely didn’t have the mindset. So, he would settle for whatever he could do.

At the chair by his desk was one of his shirts he wore in the evening, and Alec went over to it. He ran his hand over the top of it where it was folded over the chair, feeling the smooth material underneath his fingers. There was a second where he wondered what it would feel like with Magnus in it, where he wondered how much of Magnus he would be able to feel, and he was growing more and more envious of Camille. She could touch him, and had touched him, whenever she pleased, and Alec didn’t think she knew just how lucky she was to be able to do that.

He touched it for a little while longer, running his hands over the material, before he decided to pick it up. Playing with it in between his hands, he fiddled with the buttons, with the collar, weighing it up in his hands. It was a shirt that had been lucky enough to touch Magnus, lucky enough to be on his skin. Alec wondered what that felt like; to touch Magnus, to know his body like this shirt did. This was probably the closest he was ever going to come to touching Magnus like that, to feeling his skin and knowing it. He wanted to savour every second, but he thought his time would be up long before he got the chance to savour anything.

There were noises coming from outside, even some from inside the house, but Alec blocked them out so he might be alone in his moment with this shirt. He brought it up closer to his face, studying it, every hem and stitch, every part of it had touched Magnus in a way Alec could only dream.

Bringing it up even closer, Alec closed his eyes and breathed it in. Sure, it smelled like Magnus smelled now, the salt from the ocean, like the orchard that surrounded them, like the fruit they picked every day, but it also smelled like something Alec didn’t know; it could have been a cologne Magnus wore back in Brooklyn, it could have been the cleaning materials Bridget used. It could have been anything, but, whatever it was, it was distinctly Magnus, and Alec loved it. He breathed every ounce he could get from it, deep into his lungs, savouring it.

“What are you doing?” a voice oh-so-familiar and jarring asked as hands came around Alec’s body, touching his bare hips.

Alec dropped the shirt out of shock, clenching his fists and opening his eyes, willing everything to go away. He wouldn’t dare look down and see his olive hands gripping onto his pale hips as that would cement it into reality. He did not want the reality of him smelling Magnus’ shirt and being caught to be cemented.

But it was oddly nice, to have Magnus right behind him, breathing on his neck, his hands touching him. Alec could feel each of his fingers pressing into his skin, tentative but also firm. He was asking if it was okay, if this was okay for him to do without saying anything, and Alec wanted to say it was but also knew that, if he did say it was okay, anything might happen. He wasn’t sure if he was ready for anything to happen.

“Nothing,” Alec answered, though it was weak and quiet, and it probably made his guilt even worse.

Magnus’ body, somehow, came closer to Alec, and he could feel the bare skin of his chest ever so gently pressing into the bare skin on his back. He had never been this close to another person in his life, not like this anyway, not this naked at least. He was trying his hardest to not breathe, both to keep the situation happening and to stop it from being real. It was a highly embarrassing thought; being caught smelling his shirt.

“Nothing?” Magnus repeated, his mouth closer to Alec’s neck, breathing his hot breath onto his skin. Then his lips were touching his neck, gently, kissing the sensitive skin, raising Alec’s hair which was a nearly impossible feat in the heat of the day.

“Nothing,” Alec repeated, lightly pressing back into Magnus’ chest, their bodies closer than ever, Alec closing his eyes again, mouth parted so he could breathe properly again.

One of Magnus’ hands came around Alec’s stomach, touching as much of him as possible, the other gripping at his hip firmly. It made him stutter for a moment, breath hitching as he truly felt every single one of Magnus’ fingers on his skin, touching him like he had been craving only a few minutes ago. His breath hitching had made Magnus stop, weary of stepping over his boundaries.

“Is this okay?” Magnus asked against his neck, having kissed there again.

Before Alec could answer that, yes, this was totally fine and Alec wanted every second of it to last a lifetime, voices were calling upstairs.

“Magnus!” someone who sounded a lot like Will called from downstairs. It broke the two of them apart, though Alec felt like he had been the one to break them apart more so than Magnus. “Did you find him?”

“Who?” Alec asked Magnus, trying to forget the feel of Magnus’ hands on his body.

“Yeah!” Magnus called down, still looking directly into Alec’s eyes. “He was in the bathroom!” He paused. “You,” Magnus said, to Alec now.

“Why?” Alec asked, footsteps coming up the stairs.

Magnus stooped down to pick up his shirt, Alec trying to hide the fierce scarlet that grew across his cheeks. “Maryse was worried. You hadn’t gotten up yet and it’s already afternoon.”

Alec nodded.

There was a knock on the door then, and Magnus told them to enter, Will and Jem coming in. Will smiled at Alec, Alec smiling back. Alec did not look at Jem, and he would never look at Jem again if the option was there, definitely not now after Jem probably thought awful things about seeing Alec in Magnus’ room.

“We thought you might have died,” Will said.

“I was in my room the whole morning,” Alec explained.

Will shrugged. “Oh well. We’re going swimming. Coming?”

“Where?” Alec asked, hyperaware of Magnus’ burning skin that was so close to his own, so close they could be touching if Alec moved over an inch.

“The sea?” Magnus asked, and Alec felt a pang in his chest. It could imply a hundred things, and Alec wanted to know which one Magnus meant.

Jem nodded. “Sure. It’s too hot to do anything today, so we were given the day off. We thought you’d come down, but…”

Alec nodded this time, hoping to the Angel above that the red on his cheeks came off as the day being too warm than as embarrassment or flushing. He avoided looking at Jem again, though he knew that would look worse than looking at him directly. Taking a deep breath, he composed himself and said he would throw on a shirt and shoes and meet them downstairs, relieved when Magnus left as well, leaving his shirt, very obviously, sprawled out on the bed.

Downstairs, Alec tried to act as though nothing was going on, and could not even explain how happy he was that Camille was nowhere in sight. What a waste of a day, he thought, as he could have been spending it with everyone, Camille nowhere around. What was done was done, however, and Alec would not linger on it.

As they swam at the sea, Alec tried with every ounce of his being to avoid Magnus. Again, it was no easy feat because, well, there wasn’t anywhere he could go where Magnus wasn’t, he was always going to be in sight. He was also trying not to stare at him, but Magnus was an engaging presence, and his line of sight was always drawn to him; when Alec was on the beach, he would find himself watching Magnus who would be out swimming with Will, and when Alec was swimming, he would be watching Magnus on the beach, sunbathing. Even worse, when they were both on the beach or they were both in the sea, Alec was even closer to him and he was still watching him, wanting to go to him.

A lot of the time, their eyes met, and Alec wouldn’t know if he should look away or keep looking. He switched it up each time, though sometimes he found himself looking at Magnus and Magnus was already looking at him. Those times, Alec would keep looking, when he was the first to look, he would look away if Magnus looked at him. This whole crush business was a difficult thing to manoeuvre.

“You could just talk to him,” Jem said, coming to sit with him on the beach. Magnus was out swimming again, talking to Clary, Jace, and Tessa, the water covering most of them.

“Who?” Alec asked, pretending to be oblivious. He feared he would be an awful poker player.

Jem laughed through his nose, and it made Alec feel awful. “Camille isn’t here. It should be easy to get his attention.”

“What’s that got to do with anything?” Alec asked, tucking his legs up, wrapping his arms around them, Jem sat with his legs out, leaning on his hands. Jem was open for conversation, and Alec wanted nothing more than to not speak about this. Jem knew everything, probably more than Alec did, and he was not okay with that.

“It’s got everything to do with everything,” Jem said, closing his eyes and turning his face up to the sun. “I think you should just, I don’t know, make the most of that. I’m sure she’ll be back tomorrow.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Alec said. He knew he sounded juvenile and awful, but he really didn’t know how else to react to something like this.

“You want to impress him,” Jem said, and it hit Alec in a way that made him deflate. He collapsed into the sand, head immersing into it. He would be covered in grains forever, but he honestly did not care. “And that’s an okay thing.”

Alec shrugged, not knowing if Jem was looking at him.

“Impress him then,” Jem continued. Alec looked at him, Jem turning his head so they could look at each other.

“What does that even mean?” Alec asked, exasperated.

“It means what it means.”

“This conversation is doing nothing for me,” Alec said, closing his eyes again, both because of the sun and because Jem was forcing him to open up, and Alec liked to stay closed, locked up, away from anything that meant anything.

Jem laughed again. “I’m only using the words you used.”

“I didn’t even know what I was talking about.”

“I think you did,” Jem began. “Or… I think you know more about it than you’re letting yourself think.”

“That does not help me.”

Jem laughed, loud. Alec looked at him, watching him lie back so they were both just boys, lying in the sand, talking about things Alec did not understand.

“Summers don’t last forever, Alec,” Jem said, after some time had passed, the clouds in the sky forever moving.

Alec knew that. Alec knew this was borrowed time, that this summer would come to an end eventually. It was taking everything within his power to not think about that, as it was a frightening thought, and it made him fear what came next. What would happen in a time where he would wake up and not see Magnus? What was he meant to do then?

If he thought about that prospect for too long, it made him ache, and he did not want that ache. Ignoring that inevitability was much easier than considering it. Jem had made him consider it for a second, and then Alec forced it away, hoping it to go away forever.

“I know that,” Alec said, wanting to change topics.

“Then, go, and impress him.”

“I don’t know how.”

“I think he’s already impressed enough,” Jem said, casually as anything.

Alec sat up and looked at Jem, Jem opening one eye to look at him, curious. Of course, what had happened in the bedroom had been something, maybe enough to confirm something, but there had been very little between them to go off. Maybe that should have been enough, but Alec didn’t know. These were new waters, and Alec did not like new things.

“What do you mean by that?” Alec asked. He had attempted to keep his voice level, but it hadn’t worked. It was too late at this point to care. Jem knew, and Jem would always know. There was no point in hiding it now.

Jem shrugged. “It means what it means.” He smirked.

Alec rolled his eyes. “Jem.”

“Is it not obvious?”

“If it was obvious,” Alec began, pausing for emphasis. “I would not be asking.”

Jem sighed. “Whenever you’re not around, he always, _always_ asks where you are.”

“And?”

“Whilst I think you’re great, Alec, I don’t really ask where you are. I expect you’ve gone to do a thousand other things that you could be doing. Magnus, however, likes to know where you are.”

“But…” It didn’t seem enough.

“I know you probably can’t see it, but when you play piano…” Jem paused to think. “He’s enthralled by it.”

Alec chewed his lip, thinking.

Jem sat up again, sand falling out of his hair. “In fact, whenever you’re in a room, he’s enthralled by you.”

“How can you tell?” Alec asked.

Jem laughed. “Maybe it’s because you’re younger, maybe it’s because you’re the subject of his enthralment, I don’t know, but it is obvious.”

“To everyone?” Alec asked, almost worried for Magnus, what Magnus would think if he had been so obvious in front of everyone.

Jem shrugged. “Probably, probably not. We haven’t spoken about it, but he’s not that discreet.”

“Am I?” Alec asked, definitely worried now.

Jem winced.

“Fuck,” Alec cursed.

He laughed again, but it did not make Alec feel better.

“But I don’t really…” Alec attempted to think of what he was trying to say, but that wasn’t working either. He was flustered now, even more so because Magnus was coming back to the shore. All their towels were right beside Alec, and he couldn’t exactly move if he was in the middle of a conversation with Jem. He was trapped. Even worse because Jem was grinning at him, probably knowing exactly what was going through his head.

As Magnus approached, Alec tried not to watch the water drip off his body. The only other place to look was at Jem, and he did not want to look at Jem right now either. He wanted to be as far away from the beach as possible.

He came up right beside them, picking up a towel and rubbing himself with it, sand sticking to him everywhere that came into contact with it. Alec did not know where to look.

Then Magnus smiled at him because he had been staring, and Alec was just about ready to perish.

“Hi,” Alec said, quietly, seeing Jem still smiling from the corner of his eye.

“Hi,” Magnus replied, rubbing his body with the towel, Alec craving his skin again.

Jem laughed quietly through his nose, but Alec still heard it. “I’ll leave you two to it."

“Jem,” Alec begged, Magnus looking at Jem as he stood.

“I’ll be in the ocean if you need me,” Jem said, smiling brightly.

Alec begged him with his eyes to stay, but he did not. Alec could have hated him if he weren’t such a wonderfully lovely person.

The air between the two of them who remained was thick, and Alec felt the need to stand. But then Magnus sat beside him, and Alec didn’t know what to do. Everything was very confusing, and Alec absolutely hated it.

But, really, he didn’t hate it because it was Magnus, and how could he hate Magnus?

There was silence, and they waited. Alec knew what he probably should say, and what he wanted to say, but he didn’t know if it was the best time to say it. They were alone, which was good, and Jem had given him more information, which was good, but Alec’s confidence was low, and that was not so good. Life was not nearly as simple as Alec wished it might be.

“Earlier,” Alec began, that being the only indication he was going to give, content when Magnus nodded once. “It… It was okay.”

Magnus nodded once again, Alec looking to him and then looking away again, fearing he would lose his focus if he looked at him too much.

“Would it be okay now?” Magnus asked.

Alec looked at him. “Right now? Right here?”

Magnus laughed. “No, no. I mean… Would it be…” He paused, thinking, Alec comfortable to wait. “Is it _still_ okay?”

Alec nodded. Magnus responded with a nod of his own, them being much easier than words.

“We’ve, uh, we’ve asked your parents if we might have tomorrow off as well,” Magnus began, slowly, tentatively. “To go to that café that’s right on the outskirts.”

“Which one?” Alec asked, beginning to smile. “There’s probably an entire three that that might be.”

Magnus smiled his beautiful smile and Alec was glad he could elicit it from him. “The one with all those homemade ice creams? Tessa and Jace are very excited about that aspect. Are you free tomorrow?”

“I think so.” Alec paused. “Is, um…?” Asking the question would be absolutely awful. He knew Camille would likely be invited, and he knew how it would sound if he asked whether she was coming or not. But he wanted to know, for he had to prepare himself for either dealing with Magnus with Camille, or dealing with Magnus alone.

Magnus was laughing lightly, and Alec watched him.

“We haven’t invited her yet,” Magnus said, reading his mind. Alec felt guilty, but also relieved. “I mean, we might be able to get away before she… Raziel, that sounds awful, doesn’t it?”

Alec shrugged. “A little. But I think I get it.”

“I don’t think she would.”

“I don’t think I blame her.”

Magnus leaned over and gently nudged Alec, Alec smiling. “You don’t blame her?”

Alec tried to bite his lip to stop smiling, but it did not work. He shook his head, and Magnus nudged him again. Alec nudged him back, totally content with the smile that grew on Magnus’ lips.

“Jem, um… Jem said…” Alec began, wanting to talk about it, but not wanting to be too abrupt. But now he had started talking, and Magnus was expectant. Alec did not want to talk anymore now, because it was far too abrupt and Alec wasn’t ready to talk about things yet. Whilst they were both aware of what was going on, of what had happened in the bedroom, it was a secret between them, not to be uttered. Alec did not want to be the first one to utter those worse.

“He said what?” Magnus asked, Alec having been quiet for far too long.

“Nothing,” Alec said.

“What did he say?” Magnus asked again, nudging Alec.

“Nothing,” Alec repeated, allowing himself to be swayed by Magnus’ shoulder.

“You can’t just…” Magnus said, exasperated but smiling. “You can’t just do that.”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“Alec.”

“Magnus.”

Magnus nudged him again, and Alec laughed and collapsed back onto the sand, lying down, looking up at Magnus now, who was still looking at him in disbelief. Alec just smiled.

“What did he say?” Magnus asked again.

“It doesn’t matter.” Alec was still smiling, and so was Magnus, and it was an absolutely wonderful feeling.

Gently, Magnus slapped Alec’s bare stomach, and Alec laughed.

“He just said…” Alec paused again, and Magnus waited, expectant. He waited a long time, Alec trying to consider how he should phrase it, until decided he should just say it. “He said we’re not very discreet.”

Magnus thought about it for a moment. “Discreet about what?”

Alec just looked at him.

Magnus nodded.

“Right,” Magnus said, turning over and lying on his stomach, their faces close now. They were looking directly at each other, and Alec didn’t feel the usual urge to look away, and he wondered what that meant. “I suppose… probably not.”

Alec thought he had been very discreet, but he supposed he could never know for sure, not if he was on the inside, looking out. He also did not think Magnus had been all that obvious, but, again, he was on the inside, looking out. That made things near impossible to decipher. Jem might be able to see it, but Alec couldn’t.

Even though they had confessed _something_ to each other, even though they were discussing it in base terms, Alec would still not bet on anything. It was the tragedy of uncertainty, and there was no sure way to battle that. Well, discussing it in proper terms might help, but that wasn’t a thing actual people ever did, and Alec was, in no way, going to straight up ask Magnus what was going on. That was wild, and Alec was not a wild person.

Magnus looked down his body then, looking at Alec’s hands that were resting on his chest. Alec would have felt self-conscious, but he didn’t mind Magnus looking at him. In fact, it was almost nice to have those green eyes studying him.

“You have pianist hands,” Magnus said.

It was true; he had long fingers, a little bony and thin, there were muscles in his forearms already from playing at such a young age, and, over the years, he noticed a distinctive distance between his fourth and fifth fingers. The real idea that pianist and non-pianist hands were different wasn’t an actual thing, they were difficult to distinguish, but because people knew Alec was a pianist, you could see the differences, the years that had changed his hands, the wear in them. Whilst the differences were minimal, Alec definitely had what one would call, “pianist hands”, and he knew that.

“How long have you been playing?”

“Since I was five.”

“Wow.” Magnus moved his arms then so as to show Alec his own hand. “I have perfectly manicured hands.”

“No wear in them at all.”

Magnus made a mock-offended face. “How rude.”

Alec could not help himself; he reached his own hand up and began to trace across Magnus’. He felt every smooth line, every finger, every knuckle, every nail. He touched as much of Magnus’ hand with his own as he could. Whenever the pads of their fingers touched, Alec felt it thrum through him, sensitive to touch. Magnus’ fingers curled naturally, and Alec willed himself, though he also stopped himself, from linking their fingers.

As their hands were close to Magnus’ face, Alec reached just a little further, and brushed the back of his forefinger across Magnus’ cheek. He knew he likely shouldn’t have, not when they were in such a public place, but he could not help himself. The skin on his cheek looked so smooth, it was willing him towards him.

Magnus closed his eyes and, ever so slightly, pressed his face into the gentle contact. Alec could have stayed there forever and be content with life if he did. He brushed his finger along his cheek for a few more moments before he felt compelled to stop.

“Sorry,” Alec said, quietly, almost stolen by the waves that were near them.

“Don’t be,” Magnus replied, just as quietly, meant only for Alec.

They paused, to smile at each other and regain their breath.

“Will you come tomorrow?” Magnus asked, damn near breathless.

Alec nodded.

Magnus’ smile was more than worth any hesitation Alec might have felt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again everybody, unfortunately I am out of town again next weekend, so there will not be an update until the week after.
> 
> I'm sorry for leaving it when it's getting so juicy, but I suppose we'll just have to consider this as adding to the slow-burn factor.
> 
> I thank you in advance for your patience x


	12. Ruined

Magnus very well could have stayed on that beach, segregated to their little area, forever. It was intimate, and it was theirs, and Magnus could watch Alec and listen to him talk for a lifetime. When he was like this, carefree and relaxed, he was wonderful to listen to; he spoke about anything, and he would answer questions without wanting to leave, and Magnus felt like he could tell him anything. They might have been surrounded by people and there might have been people they knew in the ocean, just a little way away, but they didn’t care. If they went uninterrupted, this could last forever, and Magnus didn’t think he would often have Alec like this.

Of course, they didn’t stay uninterrupted, but it was okay because Alec was going to be with him tomorrow, as they rode through Italy and spent the day together. If Magnus could get away before Camille came, then it would be absolutely, perfectly wonderful. He felt awful for Camille, for what he had led her to believe, but it was much easier to avoid someone than to tell them the truth.

He had told Alec exactly that when he had asked him why he didn’t just tell her he wanted to spend the summer alone. And Alec had laughed, a laugh that made Magnus think he had experienced the same idea before, but he did not press him. Press Alec too much, and he would disappear from the world. Magnus did not want Alec to disappear, but to be around, to be like this, forever. He couldn’t force Alec to stay this way, that was unfair of him, but he liked it when Alec was like this; open, available. It made things a whole lot easier.

Isabelle came bounding over, her wet hair dripping absolutely everywhere, laughing as she covered her brother in water. He sat up, scoffing.

“Thank you,” Alec said, mockingly.

“I was cooling you down,” Isabelle said, wringing out her hair and taking the towel Magnus offered her. “I’m going to go get Simon.”

“Lewis?” Alec asked, incredulously. Magnus thought this might be a conversation he should not be present for, but he was already here, and he wanted to stay with Alec, and so he would remain, just attempting to stay oblivious.

“Yeah?” Isabelle responded, rubbing the towel over her wet skin. “What’s your point?”

“Why would you go and get Simon?”

“Because Clary’s here, and they’re inseparable?”

“Surely, that proves that they’re not?” Alec said, and Magnus thought there was a whole lot of questions going on, and not a lot of answers.

“Well…” Isabelle was struggling for an answer, and Magnus wondered if he was this obvious when he was speaking about Alec.

“You do not,” Alec stated, shaking his head. “No way. He’s Simon. He’s an absolute idiot.”

“There’s nothing wrong with Simon,” Isabelle said, pointedly.

“Yeah, there’s nothing wrong with Simon like there’s nothing wrong with a puddle of mud; it exists, but we shouldn’t go near it.”

Magnus snorted, but not because he had a problem with Simon. He didn’t really know Simon that well, just that he and Clary, who he also did not know that well, were close.

“That’s just mean,” Isabelle said, ignoring Magnus’ laugh. Alec, however, had seemed pleased to make Magnus laugh, but was also trying to ignore that to continue arguing with his sister. She rolled her eyes and went to pull on her shoes.

“Put some clothes on at least,” Alec said, probably because he had lost this fight, even Magnus could see it. She was only wearing a small bikini, and it did seem risky to go out into the world with only that on.

“All right, _mum_ ,” Isabelle said, very much like the young teenager she was. She pulled on her shirt and skirt, pointedly to ensure Alec knew he hadn’t won, for he still hadn’t. “I’ll be back later.”

“Wait, you’re not coming back here right away?” Alec asked, shocked at the revelation.

Isabelle, however, pretended not to hear him and walked up the path and out of sight. Alec made a little whimper and then turned back to the face the ocean, Magnus feeling he should sit up as well.

“I need to remember she is perfectly capable to make her own mistakes,” Alec said, perhaps to no one, though Magnus felt the need to reply anyway.

“Decisions, you mean?”

“No.” Alec looked at Magnus, deadpan. “Mistakes.”

Magnus laughed again. He would have said something to start off another conversation between them, something that might reveal even more of what they were feeling, but Will came over, the others following in toe, absolutely dripping with water. Magnus and Alec, on the contrary, were now boiling and covered in sand.

“Shall we head up now?” Will asked. “Have a late lunch or something?”

“Bridget will be cooking soon,” Alec announced, standing, holding his hand out so Magnus could use it to get up. The way their skin brushed, the way Alec’s hand felt in his own, even though only for a moment, was something Magnus could very easily get used to. “But I suppose we could have a smoothie or something.”

“Sure,” Will agreed, all of them grabbing towels and drying themselves off.

Their evening went by just fine, though they didn’t get a moment alone together. They drank the smoothies Alec made and sat around until their dinner came, lazy and sluggish and absolutely wonderful. Then they drank into the night, Alec retiring early, Magnus wishing he could, but knowing how suspicious it might look if he followed Alec upstairs.

But he was secure in his knowledge they could spend time together tomorrow. Simon and Isabelle were also coming, much to Alec’s horror, but Magnus didn’t care. They might not be alone, but they could be together, and they could talk, and they could discover things, and Magnus was excited by that prospect.

When he awoke the next morning, he was happy. It had been a while since he had woken up happy at the villa, not because he was necessarily _un_ happy, but because his mind was always set on something he did not understand, on something he was trying to figure out. Now that things were actually working out, he woke up with actual happiness in mind, and it was a wonderful thing.

That happiness, however, did not last long.

As they got ready for their little venture, going in cars because they might go to one of the clubs afterwards and their bikes would be too much hassle, Camille, in all her destroying glory, bounded in. Magnus’ heart had sunk further than the realms of the earth, and he had forced a smile that wouldn’t likely look real to anybody who might see it. She, for some reason, did not appear to notice, and it made Magnus feel worse.

“Where are we going?” Camille asked, all happy and smiling.

Magnus did not want to answer and, although it was petty, he pretended he had not even seen her. That would not get rid of the problem, but he needed to ignore it for just a moment, just so he could deal with it. He was also not going to look at Alec, as that would just add to Magnus’ pain.

“We’re going to a little café, on the outskirts of town,” Will answered, bored in his tone.

“Oh, really?” Camille asked, coming over to Magnus and kissing him on the cheek. He smiled at her. “The one with all the ice creams, or the one with the plants?”

“The ice creams,” Tessa answered.

“It is unfortunate, however,” Jem interjected before Camille could squeal in excitement. “That we were driving there, and, I’m sorry, but there aren’t enough seats. There are only two cars.”

“Oh, I can cycle. I’ll be a bit late, but I can cycle,” Camille said.

Magnus had to stop himself from groaning in frustration.

“It’s all right,” Alec said, quietly, Magnus looking at him now though Alec wasn’t looking back. “I can stay, I’ve been before.”

“Thank you-,” Camille began.

“No,” Magnus interrupted, and everyone looked at him, even Alec. Magnus was not going to have that. “I mean, I don’t want you to have to ride, Camille, but…”

“Oh, that’s fine,” Camille said, only furrowing her brow for a moment. “I’ve done it before. You will just have to wait for me before you order.” She kissed Magnus on the cheek again, and Magnus threw Alec an apologetic look. “In fact, I will start now, and then I won’t be so late when you get there.”

She bid a quick goodbye before she left again. Magnus could not bring himself to look at Alec, knowing he would see only dejection in his eyes.

“How awful would it be if we just decided to go somewhere else instead?” Will asked, and Magnus could tell he wasn’t entirely joking.

Tessa slapped his arm. “Don’t be rude.”

Part of Magnus wished he could do that and, whilst he wanted to, he was not that cruel. He wished he was, but he wasn’t, and he couldn’t bring himself to abandon her.

“Oh, Alec, you’ll never guess who’s coming back in a few days,” Isabelle said as she pulled on her shoes.

“Who?” Alec asked, though he didn’t seem to be invested in the question.

“You have to guess, I think that was the point of the question,” Simon said, and Magnus would not have liked to have been on the other end of the glare Alec shot him.

“Michael,” Isabelle said, clearing the air between them.

“Wayland?” Alec asked, and Magnus heard the crack in his voice. Alec was now looking directly as his sister, eyes wide, perhaps panicked. Magnus had no idea, he didn’t have even the slightest of clues as to who Michael was, but he meant something to Alec, that much was clear.

“Yeah,” Isabelle said, picking up her purse. “He said he’d be coming by.”

“Where are the letters?” Alec asked, voice still wavering. The others were going to leave, and Magnus began to leave slowly, curious, but not wanting to pry.

“They’re in the kitchen.” Isabelle said, leaving as well.

Alec went into the kitchen, Magnus about to ask Isabelle who Michael was, but she had engaged in a conversation with Simon. And, before Magnus could think to ask Alec when they were driving, the two of them were in separate cars. A day that had promised to be great was now turning into a day Magnus didn’t even want a single part of. Instead, he would like to sleep the day away and start again tomorrow. But that was impossible, and he was driving to the café and he had to pay attention.

The café, because of this new turn of events, had not nearly been as pleasant as it could have been. Camille insisted on getting a scoop of every flavour, and then feeding some to Magnus. The others all seemed to be having enough fun, except for Alec, who had a small bowl and was listening to Jem talk about something Magnus could not hear.

The day was on the brink of a sweltering heat, so hot the ice cream was practically a puddle the second they got it outside. Magnus was sweating no matter where he was, sitting or standing. Everyone was sweating, and the ice cream was cool for only a moment. Even in the limited amount of clothing he was in, shorts, shoes, and a thin shirt, he was sweating, the stifling heat absolutely and completely overwhelming.

To calm his shot nerves, Magnus pulled out a cigarette. He was not a regular smoker, but it was the thing to do in most circles, and he usually had some in his pocket, ready if he needed them. And he needed one today.

He inhaled the smoke into his lungs, instantly calmer for it. Everything else could fade away with the smoke that came out of his mouth. He kept smoking it down, happily tapping the ash away, happily noting the time that passed. Conversations occurred, but Magnus was not listening, he was just smoking, wondering if Camille might get bored and leave him.

Knowing Alec liked to smoke the ends of cigarettes, and wondering if, subconsciously, he had brought the cigarette out just for that reason, Magnus did not smoke it until its end. Instead, he took a long drag, put it between his fingers, and tried to catch Alec’s attention. He managed it when Alec chanced one of his many glances his way.

“Do you want it?” Magnus asked, offering it towards him, knowing what it meant to have Alec take it in his mouth, between his lips.

To his relief, Alec nodded, and went to take it from across the table.

But, as ever, Camille, the destroyer of wonderous things, nodded as well, as if Magnus could possibly be offering it to her.

“Yes, please,” Camille said, Alec instantly dropping his hand, pretending it had not happened. Camille took it from Magnus and put it between her painted lips. Magnus did not even look at her. He wondered how peculiar it might look for him to smoke another just so he could offer it to Alec again.

Eventually, the heat made them retreat to the river. Camille had complained so much that they had shoved Camille’s bike in the boot, and had Camille sit on Magnus’ lap. It was far too hot for that, and any skin that touched stuck together. The windows were all the way down, the aircon was blasting, but it was not enough. Six people stuffed into one car was far too much for a day like this, even worse because Magnus did not really want her around.

As they swam, thankful for the wonderfully cool water, Alec kept his distance, swimming with Jem and Tessa. Camille was oblivious to Magnus’ yearning to be with Alec. He knew he should either be upfront with her or devote his attention to her, but he was only human, and he did not want to make that difficult decision. It was tough, and Magnus had just wanted an easy summer, and he had not gotten that.

When evening began to encroach, they drove into the midst of town, which was beginning to thrive. The music had gotten louder, people had begun drinking more, and chatter was abundant. Magnus was happier here, able to drown things out a lot better than when they were all alone.

He had decided he was not going to dance with Camille today. Whilst she was expecting it, whilst she had been draping herself over him all day despite the heat, Magnus was not going to give it to her. He had put up with his simmering anger and frustration for too long, and she would likely break it if she forced him to dance. If Alec had asked him to dance, which he in no way would, Magnus would have loved to, but Camille was testing every ounce of his patience and, whilst she didn’t even mean to and was innocent in her actions, it was proving far too much for him.

She had gotten up to dance with Tessa and Clary and Jace, and she was content with that. Hopefully, she would stay that way, Magnus happy to smoke, hoping Alec might actually take it from him this time. However, Alec had gone to get drinks a fair few minutes ago and had yet to return to their table. The day, which had had such promise, was falling apart at the seams, and Magnus so wanted to be done with it on every level.

Jem sat down beside him, a water in hand as one of their designated drivers, Tessa the other. They had nodded greeting at each other, Magnus happily smoking. He knew it was bad for him, but he honestly did not care today.

“Are you having fun?” Jem asked, perhaps knowing, perhaps just being polite.

“Hm,” Magnus hummed. “You?”

“I’m having a good day,” Jem said. “Are you going to dance?”

“Raziel, no.”

Jem laughed. “Not even with your darling Camille?”

“Are you making fun of me?” Magnus asked, half-joking, half-serious. He was in a peculiar mood, and he knew he should likely just leave to go to bed.

Jem looked at him, furrowing his brow. “Not at all. I didn’t mean to be rude.”

“Sorry,” Magnus apologised. “I’m just… It’s far too hot today.”

“It has been very warm. I’m sure there will be a storm soon to set things to normal.” Jem took a few sips of his water.

“Where’s Alec?” Magnus asked, not caring to be cautious about it. Jem practically knew what was going on anyway, why would he even bother being cryptic around him?

Jem didn’t even seem bothered, he didn’t even smile knowingly like he had done before. Perhaps he could tell how impatient Magnus was growing, perhaps he just really didn’t care. Magnus was not in the mood to speculate, he just wanted to know.

“I believe he’s getting very drunk with Will.”

It was not the answer he had expected. “He’s getting drunk? And why with Will?”

“Probably because everyone else is dancing, and you’re you.”

“Does he hate me?” Magnus asked, wondering if they would ever, consistently, get to be like they were on the beach.

Jem shook his head. “I don’t think Alec hates anyone.”

“You know what I mean, Jem.”

“I think he doesn’t like you and Camille,” Jem said. “And I think that might be why he’s getting drunk.”

Magnus took a long drag, slowly exhaling and sighing at the same time.

“I did not think this would be what my summer came down to.”

“A French girl distracting you from someone who looks surprisingly like Will?” Jem asked, smiling.

“Don’t ruin him for me,” Magnus said, giving Jem only a small smile in return.

“He does though,” Jem insisted, in almost disbelief at it.

Magnus smacked his arm. “You’re ruining him.”

“I don’t think that’s possible,” Jem said, laughing through his nose.

Before Magnus could respond, the subject of their conversation came over and collapsed into the seat beside Magnus. Both Jem and Magnus looked at him, curious. His eyes were half-closed, his glass almost empty, and Magnus wondered what this evening might turn into if Alec was without inhibitions. 

Alec leaned over and took the last of Magnus’ cigarette, without asking, but Magnus was happy to let him take it. He was even happier to see Alec take it between his lips and inhale, the embers lighting up, whittling away the cigarette itself. When he exhaled, the smoke covered him for only a second, and then he was back. There were probably two more drags left in it, and Magnus watched, entranced by them both, and felt an odd pang when Alec stubbed it out in the ashtray.

He pointedly ignored Jem’s smile.

“Hello,” Alec greeted, even though the greeting period had passed. He drained the last of his glass and put it down heavily onto the table.

“Where’s Will?” Jem asked.

“There was a pretty girl,” Alec said, not slurring his words, so he wasn’t that drunk. But he certainly wasn’t sober. “So, I left.”

“Are you a little drunk, Alec?” Jem asked, smiling at him. Magnus wondered if he should talk to Alec first, or if he should let Alec’s drunken state talk to him.

“I’m not that little,” Alec replied, both Magnus and Jem laughing. “Wait. I don’t mean that like that.”

“Right,” Jem said, sipping at his water. “I suppose I should go.”

“Why?” Alec asked, watching Jem stand.

“Because I just think I should,” Jem said, patting Alec on the shoulder. “You two have fun.”

“Okay,” Alec said, smiling happily at Jem as he left to begin dancing with Tessa and the others. “Hello.”

“Hi,” Magnus responded, giving Alec a smile, Alec smiling brightly at him, eyes closed and beaming. This, again, was a different Alec to the one Magnus thought he knew, and Magnus wondered if he would ever know Alec in all his true forms, or if he would know which of Alec’s forms was his truest.

With the way Alec was sat, slumped in his chair, their shoulders were touching. It was still humid, but Magnus would much rather be touching Alec and being rendered too warm because he was touching him than to feel cool and have Alec be distant.

Alec opened his eyes and reached his hand out, Magnus staying perfectly still as Alec traced his nose. He ran the pad of his finger over the skin, and Magnus just waited, curious as to what he was doing.

“So many people don’t like their nose,” Alec said, still gently tracing across Magnus’. “And I really hope you do, because your nose is so nice.” He dropped his hand into his lap, and Magnus felt the loss. Alec, touching his nose, what a wondrous and curious life Magnus was leading. “Do you like your nose?”

“I think it’s a perfectly fine nose,” Magnus said, smiling at him, unable to stop smiling at Alec.

Alec shook his head. “It’s better than fine.”

“Thank you?”

“You are so welcome,” Alec said.

They were quiet then, Alec watching everyone dance, and Magnus watching Alec.

Out of nowhere, Alec rested his head on Magnus’ shoulder. Magnus stayed completely still, thinking, if he moved, it would scare Alec off. He did not want to scare Alec off.

They might have been in public, and Alec probably wouldn’t do anything like this without any sort of alcohol in his system, but everyone else was drinking or too interested in other people to take any notice. And Magnus was more than glad, because to have Alec like this was to live in a slice of heaven they wouldn’t get anywhere else.

They remained like that for a little while, the rest of the night happening around them, but not including them. Magnus didn’t understand how it was possible for one person to be this consuming.

When Alec stirred, Magnus felt time come back to them. It crashed onto him like an avalanche, and he did not like this reality so much. Particularly because this reality included Camille coming towards them, and Magnus had almost forgotten her very existence.

“Come on, let’s dance,” Camille greeted, taking Magnus’ hand. Magnus, however, resisted.

“I’m actually going to stay here with Alec,” Magnus said. “He’s a bit drunk.”

“And?” Camille shrugged, pretending Alec wasn’t even there. “He’s old enough to be drunk.”

“Well…” That technicality wasn’t something Magnus was going to get into it right now. “I’d just rather look after him.”

“Okay,” Camille said. “But don’t get jealous if some other pretty boy comes and dances with me.”

“I won’t,” Magnus said, and he meant it, though Camille just smiled and stalked off again.

“You can dance,” Alec said. “I don’t mind.”

“Don’t be silly,” Magnus said, turning to Alec. “I would much rather be here.”

“With me?”

“With you.”

Alec nodded.

They stayed there for a while longer, the two of them sharing another cigarette, not really talking, but being okay with that. It was a few small hours together, Alec not being sober, and Magnus making sure he didn’t do anything stupid. He didn’t let Alec drink too much more, for he was still young, and Magnus didn’t want Alec’s youthful summer to be ruined by an evening of drinking.

When Isabelle and Simon decided they wanted to go home, Magnus thought it might be best for him and Alec to do so as well. They took one of the cars, Magnus driving steadily, Isabelle and Simon holding hands in the back, Alec leaning out of the window slightly, the humid air consuming him. What a perfect night it could still be.

Simon was staying on the couch, and Magnus let him and Isabelle do whatever they were going to do in peace, Alec wanting to remain, but Magnus suggesting it was probably for the best if they didn’t. He had to help Alec stumble up the stairs, cautiously placing a hand on Alec’s waist, not because it was something he really wanted to do, but something he felt he had to do. Alec was not sober enough to walk alone, and he didn’t complain, which was enough for Magnus to feel it was okay.

They went to Alec’s room but, instead of stopping in there, Alec carried on through until they were on the balcony. They parted from each other, then, still with their shoulders touching, but Magnus no longer had his hand on his waist. They leaned on the railing, and they looked out onto the night, the music from the clubs filtering through the air.

“I’ve never been kissed, Magnus,” Alec said, the night claiming it almost completely.

Unsure what to say, Magnus paused, thinking Alec would be okay with their silence. They were always silent together, and those silences were always wonderful.

“Imagine a life where you’ve never been kissed,” Alec continued, Magnus’ silence not giving him the answer he wanted.

“It’s really not that awful,” Magnus said, though he had been kissed, and he had been kissed when he was younger than Alec was now. He hadn’t lived as long as Alec had without kissing anyone and, whilst it wasn’t the end of the world to be un-kissed, the hype around it made Magnus understand why Alec might be hurt by that fact.

“Am I un-kissable?” Alec asked, looking at Magnus, lips parted, eyes unfocused in his drunken state.

“Of course not,” Magnus answered, slowly, throat thick. A thousand things could happen now, but Magnus knew which one should; he should let Alec go to bed and wake up tomorrow without anything happening. That was what the best thing was.

“But I haven’t been kissed?”

Magnus shrugged. “And?”

“I think that means no one wants to kiss me.”

“I’m sure there are plenty of people who want to kiss you.”

“Yeah?”

“Yes.”

Alec swallowed, looking, very obviously, at Magnus’ lips. Magnus looked away. Alec was drunk, this was not okay for them to do, definitely, _definitely_ not.

Without saying a word, Alec went back into his room. Curious, Magnus stepped through until he was standing in the doorway, only to see Alec taking his shirt off. Although he had seen Alec shirtless many times, this was different, it felt secret, not something Magnus should be watching. He went to step away, but Alec said his name.

“Why are you going?” Alec asked.

“Because you’re going to bed,” Magnus said, throat tight.

“You won’t stay?”

Magnus shook his head, averting his gaze for a second.

“Fuck,” Alec cursed.

“What’s the matter?” Magnus watched as Alec seemed to go through a mild crisis, eyes darting back and forth as he thought.

“You don’t want to see me naked,” Alec said, Magnus going near rigid.

“Alec-.”

“Fuck,” Alec repeated, and he sat down on his bed.

“Alec, I think you need to go to bed.”

“Fuck.”

“I’m going to go to my room, okay? Please, please, come get me if you’re going to throw up or anything.”

Alec buried his face in his hands.

“Goodnight, Alec,” Magnus said, knowing he wouldn’t get a reply, but knowing that staying with Alec when he was like this wasn’t going to help either. He shut the balcony door quietly and retreated to his own room.

He collapsed onto his own bed, not caring to undress. This day could be done with, Magnus decided. He could not wait for a new day to begin.


	13. If It's Broken, Fix It

Alec refused to get out of bed the next morning. He had a slight hangover, but that wasn’t the reason he wanted the day to end before it even began. He remembered everything of last night, and he did not want to ever face Magnus again. He was more embarrassed than he could even comprehend, and he wanted to leave Italy until Magnus wasn’t there either.

It was still boiling outside, and the balcony door that was ajar let in only a slight breeze, though there wasn’t much breeze to be had. It was sweltering, and Alec didn’t want to get up, maybe wondering if he could get away with staying in bed all day, complaining about the heat. It wouldn’t rectify the problem, but Alec knew the problem wasn’t going to be rectified. He had been so sure Magnus wanted him, and he didn’t. Alec was the definition of undesirable, and he didn’t want to face Magnus again now he knew that.

An hour or so went by, the clouds overhead beginning to darken as the storm made its way through, and Alec finally got up. He hoped to the Angel Magnus was already out, because he could not bear to see him again.

He showered as quickly as he knew how and changed his clothes into a light t-shirt and shorts and made his way to the kitchen. Breakfast was already done with, so Alec cut himself some fresh fruit and drank some juice, hidden away. There wasn’t much noise from the house, so Alec presumed people had gone out. It was too hot to do chores, so his mother and father had likely given them the day off to go swimming. Alec hoped that was the case because he wanted to be alone.

Alec spent the hours he was alone reading sheet music and tapping away at the piano. The villa remained empty for hours, and Alec was glad for the peace. He had been suffocating, and he needed air. He needed Magnus away with. He was confusing and made no sense.

It started raining in the afternoon, and it was heavy. It poured over the streets and the grass, covering everything in rain. It was the kind of rain that smelled like a storm, like the air was alive and electric. Alec had stood in the doorway and breathed it in. The air filled his lungs, the world around him drowning in the downpour that had been making its way to them for days.

It was the rain that brought everyone back, and Alec disappeared as soon as he saw their figures approaching. He heard their wet feet slapping on the floor or their wet shoes squeaking as they entered, Alec hiding at the top of the stairs, waiting for them. They were all laughing, enjoying each other’s company, Alec an empty observer, unseeing and wishing above them. The rain continued to pour outside, and Alec waited.

When they started up the stairs, Alec went into his room, making sure the balcony and connecting doors were closed. He couldn't bear to see Magnus. Sure, he wanted to see him because he hated being apart from him, but he couldn't put himself through the ordeal of facing him again. Not after knowing how much Magnus didn’t want him and how much he wanted Magnus himself.

He heard Magnus go into the bathroom and turn on the shower. Alec sat against the door, head pressed against the wood as Magnus cleaned himself, just in the other room. Alec just sat, listening to the water run, trying to distinguish the difference between the shower and the rain, but being distracted by the thought of Magnus, wet in there, naked and bare only a few feet away. It would take nothing to go in, which Alec would never do, and even more so now he knew Magnus thought him undesirable. It was a wish, an unattainable dream, and Alec closed his eyes as he listened to the water pour all around them.

When it thundered, Alec went downstairs to watch it. He could have done it from his balcony, but Magnus might join him, and he didn’t want to be alone with Magnus. At least, in front of the others, Magnus couldn’t corner him or judge him. Not obviously anyway.

Jem and Jace were already downstairs, the door still open for the air was humid, the storm rolling above them. They had pulled chairs in front of the door and were sat on them, just out of reach of the splash of heavy rain, and Alec pulled one up in front of the window instead, staring out from the safety of the glass. The rain splattered the windows in thick and heavy droplets, and Alec watched, waiting for the lightning strikes that would illuminate the world around them.

Alec had seen so many storms in his time, but he was fascinated by them. The way the thunder shook the house, the way the lightning struck the ground, dangerous and burning. Alec could watch a storm forever, watch the rain run down the window as the world lit up and cast shadows that existed for only a second.

As the others came down one by one, Alec pointedly tried to not look at any of them but failed each time. Tessa came down next. Then it was Isabelle. Then it was Clary. Then it was Simon. Then it was Max, who brought his own chair beside Alec. Then it was Magnus. Last. As always. Alec wished he had not looked at him when he came down the stairs, but he did, and he felt his face burn when Magnus looked at him and smiled.

Alec did not smile back but turned away and focused his attention outside. The storm was right overhead, thunder and lightning following each other in quick succession. The lightning illuminated the sky and electrified the air, cracking it open as the thunder shook everything below it. Alec watched, feeling the thunder in his chest as it passed over their house.

The rain continued to soak the ground, everyone watching as Bridget brought them dinner indoors. It was lighter than usual, likely because they were eating from their laps instead of from the table, and Alec was relieved. If they were at the table, Magnus would be in his direct line of sight, and Alec did not want that.

Right now, he knew Magnus was just behind him, he could feel his presence, detect his breathing over everyone else’s. At least he didn’t have to look at him. He knew he was there, he could feel him, feel his eyes as they glanced at Alec, but he didn’t have to look at him. It was enough, Alec supposed, to know Magnus was there, behind him. He wasn’t sure he wanted to talk to him again, but Magnus would always be there, in some abstract way Alec didn’t want to consider.

When the rain finally lightened up, it was well into the night, and Max yawned, clambering off to bed. Simon and Clary would be staying again, and Alec made no comment. In fact, he spoke to none of them as he went to bed, following Max and hoping everyone else would do something to keep them downstairs.

He tried not to look at Magnus as he walked beside him, but he failed, as his eyes were always drawn to Magnus. He tried another smile, and it made Alec’s stomach falter, but he did not smile back. Instead, he swallowed and just went upstairs, throwing himself onto his bed in a fit of rage.

The only dream he could remember that night would haunt him for years; they were swimming. Well, Magnus was swimming. His body was soaked in water, droplets glistening over his brown skin. The pool in which his beautiful body was swimming was enormous, Alec looking down, not sure how he was watching, just that he _was_ watching.

Part of Alec was sure Magnus was naked, but he could not be sure. All he knew was that this was Magnus, swimming with his olive skin on show, a stunning vision of perfection. The water clung to him as his body rolled through the water, the sun shining from some indistinct point, making his skin glimmer and glisten. His muscles worked as he moved through the water, ever moving, and Alec could do nothing but watch.

It was causing a certain euphoria through his body to watch Magnus like this. He could feel his senses spark as he watched him, his own body craving his in such a peculiar way. He had wanted to taste his skin in his mouth, he wondered if the water was salted or chlorinated. He wanted to lick the water off his wet body, taste his brown skin. And he could feel his want pulsing through him.

His want was also waiting for him when awoke, a puddle of his own desire coating his shorts, seeping through onto the sheets. His semen was still warm when he sat up, and he cursed.

It was early morning, the sun having just risen, the house beginning to stir in the wake of the storm. The sun was hot enough it was already evaporating the remnants of the water, as if it had never happened at all. The air was cleaner, the birds and insects having recovered and found their voices again, waking the world with them.

He stripped himself of his shorts and stripped the bed of its sheets, tutting and cursing as he went. He was such a boy with a crush, it was pathetic. He didn’t imagine Magnus dreaming about anyone swimming in the next room over and letting his euphoria consume him. It made him curse again.

As he carried his sheets and shorts downstairs, he bumped into the last person he wanted to see, particularly after last night, and he froze.

Magnus also froze, smiling at Alec then glancing down at the sheets in his hand, brow furrowing for a moment. Alec wondered if spontaneous combustion would be such a problem. He wondered if throwing himself off the roof would be any better when Magnus seemed to understand, and his eyes softened.

“Fuck,” Alec cursed again, closing his eyes and sighing. Before Magnus could say anything to make the situation any worse than it already was, Alec turned around and went to wash his sheets himself. Typically, he might leave it to Bridget, but the stains were far too obvious, and he didn’t want Bridget knowing how he felt at night.

Magnus had tried to follow him, but Alec had shut and the locked the door, probably rudely, before Magnus could get in. He cleaned his sheets cursing and blaspheming the time away.

Alec actually joined them for breakfast this time, sitting as far away from Magnus as he could, at the opposite end of the table. He could feel Magnus’ eyes on him, waiting for their eyes to meet, but Alec willed himself to stare at his food and only his food. He felt like such a fool. If he had ever thought he and Magnus might have something, it was never going to happen now. Alec was an undesirable creature, and Magnus did not want him. He was such a fool for thinking there was a chance.

After breakfast, they went to the orchard and, even though it wasn’t a much better choice, Alec stuck with his sister and Simon. He was still not Simon’s biggest fan, but he was a better choice than Magnus. Alec kept the ladder still as Simon climbed to the top, Izzy telling him which ones to get. It was much better than being with Magnus, who was confusing and baffling. Alec still wasn’t sure where he stood with him and didn’t think he would ever know.

They had had enough time to figure each other out, and Alec still didn’t understand Magnus. He had thought he would now, but he didn’t. There were times where Alec thought Magnus was the world, where he was the most exciting, ethereal being he had ever met. Magnus was the best thing to enter Alec’s life, the best person he knew.

And then there were times where Alec could have thrown him out the window, though Alec still didn’t know why. It could have been because he wanted him so much, and to not have him, he wanted no one to have him. It could have been a selfish want, a consuming one.

Of course, then there was Camille, the biggest blemish on this entire trip. Alec had never detested someone’s very presence as much as he did Camille’s. She wasn’t even that awful, and Alec could find no direct fault with her. But she took Magnus away, and consumed his time. Alec envied her to such an extent his feelings boarded loathing. Perhaps that was not fair, but he didn’t want to be fair because the world had not been fair to him.

Alec was a ball of envy and anger and confusion, and Magnus was the centre of it.

“Shall we play cards?” Will asked when they were done with their chores and had eaten. Izzy, Simon, Clary, and Jace had gone swimming, and Alec wished he had gone with them. But he had been worried Magnus would go, and thought staying at the villa was better to avoid him. It had been the wrong decision.

They agreed and went to sit at the table outside that looked over the ocean. Alec decided it was his time to leave but was stopped.

“You could join us, Alec,” Jem said, smiling.

“I don’t know how to play.”

“We’ll teach you. It’ll be nicer with five people,” Jem said.

Alec wanted to say no, but he had no other excuse, not with the others having gone already. Instead, he shrugged, and went over with them.

As it was a small table and there was only five of them, there was nowhere for Alec to sit where he couldn’t see Magnus. He attempted to choose the optimal seat, but everyone sat down naturally, and Alec found himself directly opposite him, almost as bad a place as next to him. Eye contact was imminent, and Alec cursed in his head.

They explained the rules, but Alec paid little attention. He kept glancing at Magnus, Magnus either already looking at him or meeting his gaze. It was distracting, and Alec couldn’t listen to Jem or Will explain things, knowing Magnus’ green eyes were right there. It made him swallow and threw his concentration into the wind.

He kept looking at the skin on show, at his collarbones or his biceps, and remembering his dream. It stirred things inside him he did not want stirred, and he tried to avoid looking or thinking, but he kept imagining what his lips tasted like or what Magnus might look like naked, and how was he meant to concentrate on a card game with those thoughts? He couldn’t.

He had to keep asking for pointers and for the rules again, and he would have felt like a nuisance if his mind wasn’t on other things. They had asked him to play, after all, so they had to keep explaining the rules if they wanted him there. Maybe they could tell Alec’s mind was elsewhere, but Alec didn’t care. Magnus’ skin was on show, as it always was, and Alec was focused on that.

Alec lost miserably every time. He thought, after the fourth or fifth game, they would give up with him and he could go, that they would let him leave. But they didn’t. They told him he would get it eventually and started dealing again. Alec’s jaw was rigid, and his eyes had moved to Magnus’ so much, Alec almost felt dizzy.

By the seventh game, Alec was leaning back in his chair and threw his cards onto the table when he lost, again. He was always the first to lose and was left watching the others as they actually played. If Magnus was distracted, he didn’t play like it. He played like he always did, and usually won because of that. It convinced Alec that Magnus didn’t want him on any level, and it worsened his already awful mood.

“I’m not good at this,” Alec said, jaw set.

“You’re fine,” Tessa assured. “You’re just new to it.”

Alec sighed, knowing he looked pathetic and that he was causing problems. The others probably thought it was because he wasn’t good at a card game, but only Magnus knew the real reason he was behaving like he was. They hadn’t spoken since. Magnus hadn’t made any attempt to talk to him and, sure, Alec was avoiding him, but Magnus could get to him if he really wanted to. And he didn’t want to. That was what became clear to Alec. Because no one wanted Alec, not even the person Alec thought might.

“Do you want me to explain it again?” Will asked.

“No,” Alec said. He wanted to leave.

“We’ll try again,” Tessa said. “You’ll pick it up.”

“Sure,” Alec said. He did not want to pick it up. He wanted to leave.

They played two more games, and Alec lost them both instantly.

It had pushed him over the edge, and he could have flipped the table over if he was prone to overreactions. Magnus kept looking at him, and he didn’t want to be looked at. He wanted Magnus to leave. Or he wanted to leave. He hated the villa for a moment, and he just wanted to be alone.

“Thanks, but I’m done,” Alec said when they went to deal him in again.

“Are you sure?” Jem asked.

“I am,” Alec said, standing.

“One more game?” Tessa asked. “I believe in you.” She smiled.

Alec shook his head. “I’ll see you guys later.”

Alec didn’t stay around to hear them say goodbye and was sure they would talk about him when he left, but he did not care. Instead, he went to his room, collapsed on his bed, and didn’t even come down when he was called for dinner.

He spent the late-night hours listening to them eating and enjoying each other’s company, wishing he could be there, but not being able to stand Magnus’ company any longer. Sure, he was starving, and his stomach did not agree with his decision as it rumbled and begged for food, but Alec did not want to go down there again. He refused to bump into Magnus. Magnus didn’t want him, and Alec didn’t want to see him.

No part of him could sleep well. As he heard footsteps climb the stairs, going to their own rooms, he listened out for Magnus’. When he heard them, his body called to him, but his mind told him to stay where he was. Magnus was not his and he did not want him.

He listened to him as he moved around his room, as he washed his teeth and face, and he listened intently as he stepped out onto the balcony. He likely knew Alec could hear him, he knew it was easy to hear his footsteps outside. And it would be so easy to step out there, to see him and speak to him, it would be the easiest thing in the world.

But Alec could not do it. His body willed him to go to him, to step up, stop being a pathetic mess, and go and see him. Maybe they could clear things up. And his body wanted to be near him again.

But his mind wouldn’t let him. He was running their conversations through his head, repeating words and phrases that made no sense. His mind told him it was the wrong thing to do, that Magnus did not and could not want him. And he could not will his body to do something when his mind did not want it.

Instead, he listened as Magnus gave in, went back into his own room, and got into his bed.

Alec cursed at the world, and slept next to none, hating the world and the mind he had been given.


	14. It Is Broken, So Fix It

If there was a way to rectify the situation, Magnus could not figure it out. Alec would not even look at him any longer, he didn’t even care to be in the same room as him anymore. It had been a total and complete misunderstanding, but Alec wasn’t going to stay around long enough for Magnus to explain that. Whilst, of course, Magnus wasn’t opposed to the idea of seeing Alec naked, he was opposed to the idea of seeing Alec naked when Alec was drunk and Magnus was not.

But, Alec wouldn’t take that as an answer, not when he was panicking the way he was. No one else would really notice; Alec was still around, but Magnus noticed because Alec did not speak so much, and he certainly did not speak to Magnus anymore.

Thankfully, Camille’s lack of presence was the saving grace. If Magnus had to deal with her whilst also trying to get Alec to understand what had happened, he might snap. Camille did not deserve to be snapped at, but his patience was thin, and it would only get thinner if he had to deal with her as well.

As they ate breakfast, Alec came down to collect food, and then left again. No one commented on it, but Magnus felt it in his heart. It was ruining everything, and Magnus wished to the Angel he would understand what Magnus had meant. He was avoiding him, and, any time Magnus had tried to go near him, Alec had disappeared. Sure, Magnus could have forced his way into Alec’s company, but he didn’t think Alec would like that. Alec was a lonesome soul, and Magnus didn’t want to upset him further.

“What have you done to upset him?” Jem asked as they walked side by side towards the pool, not needed for chores today.

“What do you mean?” Magnus asked, hoping no one else was listening in, and glad to see everyone else was in conversations as well.

“He has been very absent,” Jem said. “I thought you two were getting on just fine.”

“We were. It… It’s been a misunderstanding.”

“On whose part?”

“His,” Magnus said. “He got drunk. Things spiralled.”

“He absolutely loathed yesterday,” Jem said, referring to their card game from hell.

“Yes,” Magnus agreed. “I could feel it.”

“Part of me thought he really hated card games, but I think there is more to it.”

“There is,” Magnus said. “It’s me.”

“Can the misunderstanding not be rectified?”

“I am trying.” Magnus rubbed his face. “It isn’t working.”

“Well, the house is empty now,” Jem said. “Maybe try again.”

Magnus looked at him, Jem smiling.

Alec was so much more complex than any of them knew, and he was sure it would not work if he tried again. But, he had to try. He was not going to let Alec think the worst of him for the rest of their trip. It was not fair on either of them.

Nodding, Magnus left the group and made the short journey back to the house, wondering where Alec was.

Hearing footsteps from the kitchen, Magnus made his way towards it, finding Alec there, cleaning up his things. As he too, heard movement, he looked up, and froze. It was now or never. They might not get the chance to speak again, and Magnus wanted Alec to understand the truth of the situation, not what he thought was the truth, which was far from it.

“Hi,” Magnus greeted, it was a weak and pathetic thing to open with after everything, but Alec would likely run off any second, so it was all he was going to manage.

It turned out that Magnus very well blocked the route to Alec’s escape. Maybe this would allow Magnus to explain. The kitchen door was small, and the other way was locked, so Alec had to stay where he was until Magnus moved out of the way. It might not have been the best way to deal with things, but at least they _could_ deal with things.

Alec merely nodded his response, jaw set. Magnus knew Alec liked to deal with things in his own time, but he was dealing with things in the wrong way, dealing with the wrong things, and Magnus couldn’t let it continue. It would only fester and ruin something that didn’t have to be painful.

“You’ve been…” Magnus cleared his throat. “Absent, I suppose, recently.”

“No. I’ve been here.”

“Sure, you’ve been around, but…”

Alec shrugged.

“Can we talk about it?” Magnus asked, knowing Alec wouldn’t likely say yes, but acknowledging the problem was better than ignoring it.

He did shake his head.

“Why not?” Magnus asked.

“Because it’s easier to avoid the truth than talk about it,” Alec said, using Magnus’ words from their time at the beach.

The truth, Magnus supposed, to Alec, was that Magnus did not have an interest in him. It was very much not the truth, but because Magnus had not been able to explain himself, it was what Alec thought the truth was, despite its complete lack of evidence.

“I don’t think you understood what I meant,” Magnus said.

“No, I did,” Alec said, stubborn in his view.

“Well, whatever you did or didn’t understand,” Magnus began, trying to be calm and collected because he could very well feel the tension rising between them, and he did not want that. “I think there was some overreaction that went on.”

Alec shrugged again, making things far more difficult than they needed to be.

“You were only taking your shirt off,” Magnus said, deciding to be blunt. Cryptic might have been better, but it was not working. Alec was a cryptic and complex person, but it had led him to the wrong conclusion.

“You know why I was taking it off.” Alec looked Magnus directly in the eye, and it was a stubborn and revealing stare. It almost threw Magnus off.

“I don’t believe for one second you were taking it off for that.”

“And what if I was?”

“Alec.” Whilst Magnus was trying to be gentle so as to not scare Alec off, he had to be firm here. This would very easily turn into something ugly, and he wanted this to be beautiful. It didn’t have to be ugly.

“What if I was?” Alec repeated.

“Alec, let’s not…”

“Shit, shit.” Alec looked down, voice wavering. “You don’t like me... Shit.”

All too aware of how this would turn out if Magnus didn’t get his chance to explain, he tried to reach out to Alec, but he moved out of the way, out of reach, Magnus unable to touch him. “Alec-.”

“Shit,” Alec repeated.

“What’s all this swearing about?” a new voice said from behind Magnus. Magnus turned to look at the stranger, who had brown locks and his head held high. He was smiling, but Magnus wasn’t entirely sure why.

“Hi,” Alec said, Magnus turning back to Alec now, the entire moment having passed. This, again, was a different Alec; there was something fresh to his face now, something anew. The air of argument that had remained before was gone, completely, Alec’s tone and his open air getting rid of it as if he had held the key all along. Magnus supposed he did.

“Hello,” the stranger replied to Alec, and they hugged. It was an easy hug, something Magnus could not believe was coming from Alec, who was difficult and tumultuous in his emotions. There was a linger to that hug, to the way they held each other, to the way they touched each other, and Magnus wondered what secret this stranger was.

When they broke apart, he offered his hand to Magnus. “I’m Michael, I was here last year.”

“Magnus,” he greeted, shaking his hand.

Something incredible happened then that Magnus could absolutely not forget no matter how hard he tried; Michael put his hand on the small of Alec’s back, and kept it there, as if he had been lucky enough to touch Alec like that before. And Alec didn’t even flinch. He didn’t lean into it like others might, but he let it happen, almost oblivious to it. Magnus wondered if he should be jealous or just full of awe.

“Hello, you,” Michael repeated to Alec, making Alec smile a smile Magnus had not seen come from him before.

“I didn’t know you were coming till a couple of days ago,” Alec said. “You didn’t write it in your letters.”

Magnus suddenly felt very out of place, like a third wheel to a cart that only needed two. But he also did not want to leave the two of them alone. They had every right to be alone, to be together like Magnus was sure they had been last year, but he wanted to know who _this_ Alec was, to see who Alec might have been last year.

“I didn’t know if it was definite or not. I didn’t want to tell you and then…” Michael paused, looking directly into Alec’s eyes, making a point Magnus could not tell. “Disappoint…” Alec nodded, understanding something Magnus didn’t. “You’ve grown since last year.”

“Well, it has been a year.”

“It certainly has.” Michael smirked, and Magnus felt more out of place than he probably even realised.

The lull in the conversation allowed him to interject. “Where are you from?” Magnus asked, to be polite, but to also figure out who this Michael was, and where he fit in Alec’s life.

They both looked at him as if they had almost forgotten he was there. Alec looked almost guilty, but Magnus only smiled. He didn’t have to be guilty. Michael meant something to him, and Magnus was kind of glad he had someone who meant something to him. He had thought Alec had been lonely before. Maybe that wasn’t the case at all.

“I’m from New York, I live in London now,” Michael answered, genially.

“Oh, really? I live in New York now.”

“Which part?”

“Brooklyn.”

“Oh. I was from Manhattan.”

“Right.” Magnus paused. “You’ve lost the accent.”

“Travelling. I do it a lot.”

“Hm.” Magnus smiled. He glanced back to Alec, but saw that Alec was smiling at Michael. He tried not to pay attention to the snap his heart did then, but he felt it so harshly it made his entire body ache.

“Are you staying here?” Alec asked, almost wishful, Magnus thought.

“Oh, no. I’m with Malcolm. And I suppose my room is gone now, anyway.”

“Yeah.”

“I think I might have your room now,” Magnus said, figuring something out Alec probably didn’t want him to know. Alec swallowed thickly and Magnus ignored that.

Michael looked at him, knowing, in almost a second, what that meant. “Oh, really?”

Magnus nodded. The three of them were all quietly aware, then, of what was happening, of what had happened, and Magnus wasn’t sure if he should do something with that information. He was not envious, he supposed, but he was curious. He also wanted to know what Michael knew about Alec that Magnus didn’t, but he wasn’t sure if he should have any sort of relationship with Michael. Alec almost definitely would not want him to, he supposed.

“How long are you here for?” Alec asked, breaking the air of them all being pensive about what they were to each other.

“Only a few days. We’re just passing through, on our way to Egypt, actually.”

“Wow.” Alec seemed genuinely impressed.

“But,” Michael began, taking his hand away from Alec’s back and tapping it on Alec’s chest, another gesture Magnus wished he himself could make. “It’s been a year since you’ve played something for me.”

Something in Magnus absolutely broke, though he knew he should have no cause for jealousy. Alec looked at him like he had something to be guilty of too, and Magnus wasn’t sure what he should do with this realisation that he wasn’t as special or as dear to Alec as he had thought. Not that he had really thought that anyway, but there was something in his subconscious that had thought he and Alec had something, and that it was new to Alec. And that didn’t appear to be the case anymore.

“You haven’t exactly been around,” Alec said, shifting under both their gazes.

“Will you now?” Michael asked. “As a greeting gift?”

Alec looked to Magnus, almost for permission, and Magnus merely smiled.

Swallowing, Alec said, “Sure, if you want.”

“I would love it.”

Alec left almost hurriedly, Michael and Magnus following. Just as they were about to reach the front room, Camille bounded in, her bikini showing far too much of her skin. She ignored Michael completely, though that was not peculiar behaviour, and hugged Magnus, getting his clothes wet from her soaking skin. Magnus only hugged her back out of obligation, not even realising she had arrived, and really not sure how he should behave around her now Michael was here.

“We’re going to the bakery,” Camille said, kissing his cheek as they parted. “Are you coming?”

“No,” Magnus said. “Thanks.”

“I’ll get you something nice,” Camille said, kissing him on the lips this time. “Wait up!” she called to whoever was outside. “Bye.”

She ran off as quickly as she had come in. Michael merely smiled at him, though he seemed to know exactly what was going on, Magnus could tell just by the way he raised his eyebrows.

The two of them waited in the doorway as Alec hurried back and forth to find whatever it was he was looking for. He seemed panicked, and Magnus thought he knew why.

“Camille tried the same thing with me, actually, last year,” Michael said, both of their eyes watching Alec as he found the book he wanted, flipping through the pages hurriedly.

“Tried?” Magnus asked.

“And failed.”

“And why is that?”

“My interests lay… elsewhere,” Michael said, implication heavy. Magnus looked at him for a second, observing how closely he watched Alec’s movements. It felt similar to how he thought he probably looked when Alec was nearby.

“Did those interests come to fruition?” Magnus asked, slowly.

Michael turned his face to Magnus, smiling, laughing lightly through his nose. “No. I tried… too late.”

“Too late?” Magnus asked, worried that that was going to be exactly the way this was going to go for him as well. Alec’s tumultuous emotions were difficult to gauge, but maybe he just needed encouragement. Magnus really didn’t know, but if he and Michael had ended up like this, Magnus did not want to know what they would end up like.

“Mm,” Michael hummed, both of them looking back to Alec who was sitting at the piano now, reading his book over and over again, trying to learn it in the time he had before they sat down to listen. “I wanted to be sure, and that surety did not help anything. I think, with these sorts of things, you have to be more encouraging than sure.”

“Right.” Magnus nodded, wondering if Michael was giving advice or just reminiscing.

Alec looked at them both then, and Magnus’ heart lurched towards him, intrigued, but also wondering if he should let he and Michael have their moment. Whilst he would be envious, they deserved their time together, Magnus didn’t want to get in the way of that.

Without a word, Michael sauntered into the room and sat in the seat closest to the piano. Magnus sat in the seat beside Michael, truly feeling the distance between himself and Alec, Michael between them. This was, of course, totally allowed, and Magnus felt no qualms. He wished he knew exactly what it was between them, what had happened, but that would require a question Alec wouldn’t likely want to answer.

Alec took a moment to begin, preparing himself, but when he did, he played as beautifully as ever. If there was any hesitancy or any reservations he felt, he didn’t really show them. Maybe he wanted to put on a show for them both, maybe he wanted to pretend he was totally unaffected by Michael’s presence and what had happened in the bedroom. No one would believe it because of his behaviour, but he could pretend, and both Michael and Magnus would pretend they didn’t notice because that was the decent thing to do.

Every key was loved, each note important, but it wasn’t dedicated to anybody today. Maybe it was, maybe Magnus felt it was different because it was dedicated to Michael. Maybe that was it. But there was a very real chance it only felt different because Magnus thought it was different, not for any other reason. It was a whole lot to deal with, and Magnus wished something would make sense this summer.

When he finished, Michael clapped politely, Magnus smiling at Alec who turned, only smiling slightly. When Michael stood, Alec stood as well, and Magnus felt left out again. He should probably just leave them be, they deserved their time alone.

“Beautiful, as ever,” Michael said, stepping closer to Alec.

“Thanks,” Alec responded.

“I’ll, um, I’ll go help Will and the others,” Magnus said. “It was nice to meet you, Michael.”

“And you,” Michael responded, ever the polite.

He decidedly didn’t look at Alec as he left, not wanting Alec to feel guilty or embarrassed or anything. It might not be something Magnus necessarily wanted, but if Alec wanted that, Magnus had no right to stop him. It was his summer, Michael was whatever he was to Alec, and they had every right to do whatever they wanted. It might not feel amazing, but everyone had a right to do what they wanted during their summer.

Outside, he went to the pool, glad no one else was there. He sat on the edge, dipping his legs in. He wasn’t wearing swimming shorts, but he didn’t care if they got wet. His mind was on so many other things.

It was mainly focused on Michael. Michael was so casually affectionate with Alec in a way Magnus could only dream of being. And Alec didn’t flinch away or make comment or shy away. Sure, he didn’t initiate it himself and he didn’t lean into it, but he let it happen, and Magnus just wanted to know what Michael had done to get there with Alec, what had happened over their summer.

Alec surely had to have been even more tumultuous last year, and Michael had somehow been able to navigate him. Sure, it had been too late, whatever that meant, but he had still been able to understand him, work him out. Magnus couldn’t. Sometimes, Alec seemed to hate him, sometimes, Alec couldn’t keep his eyes off him. However Michael had been able to get a grasp on what Alec was feeling, Magnus did not know, and he wanted his secrets.

When Camille and the others came back, she sat next to Magnus and gave him whatever pastry thing she had bought for him. He could tell she wanted to feed it to him, but Magnus’ mood had plummeted even further than he thought possible, and it was so different from the frustration he had felt this morning at Alec’s misunderstanding.

His mood was a mess between confusion and yearning. There wasn’t much jealousy, and there wasn’t much in terms of wanting Alec to keep away from Michael. He was happy Alec could be happy. The only jealousy he felt was that Michael had been able to touch Alec, not because he wanted to keep him from him.

Camille didn’t even notice that Magnus wasn’t in the mood for conversation. She chatted away, jabbering on in her pretty accent, as Magnus thought about the world, distracted.

No one else cared all that much, not even when Michael was invited for dinner and was introduced to everyone. No one, except perhaps Jem, seemed to notice Alec was different around Michael, that he looked casual around him, that his eyes were wide and almost adoring as Michael spoke. This was a different Alec again, and Magnus wondered just how many different versions of him there were.

At dinner, Alec didn’t speak much, but listened to everything Michael said. And Michael had such confidence, everyone was happy to listen to him and ask him questions. Magnus understood why Alec might be infatuated with him, for he was confident and interesting, but he had never expected Alec to have someone like Michael in his past. Michael was an absorbing presence, and Magnus hoped he had made Alec happy with whatever relationship they had had last year.

Camille had stuck to Magnus’ arm throughout the meal and tried to ignore Michael, though that had been difficult because everyone else was listening to Michael speak, and she was not rude enough to just talk over him. Or maybe she was and Magnus’ lack of interest in her as well meant she didn’t speak over him. Magnus didn’t know, he was just entranced by Alec who was entranced by Michael.

Thankfully, Michael didn’t stay for long after dinner, saying he should return to his own hosts. He wasn’t glad to see the back of Michael because he was envious of him, it was because he was consuming energy to think about that Magnus didn’t have.

Part of Magnus thought Alec might be easier to talk to now, after he had been calmed by Michael’s presence. He wondered if he should go to him, if he still even cared about what had happened between them before, which he likely didn’t now Michael was with him. Maybe he would be easier to talk to, maybe he would be even more difficult to talk to because Michael was gone now.

But Alec disappeared after Michael went, and Magnus didn’t try to find him. Maybe he should have, but Alec wanted distance, and Magnus wanted to give it to him. He felt like he had lost Alec’s favour, and he didn’t think he was going to get it back.


	15. Can It Be Fixed?

Alec woke up early the next morning to find Michael by the river. Sure, he might have wanted to see Magnus or talk to him or finish whatever conversation had been initiated before Michael had come back into his life, but Michael offered a more consistent presence, and he definitely wanted Alec, he definitely showed him affection and attention, and Magnus was still distant. He had still spent yesterday with Camille, and Michael had spent the entire day with Alec. It made sense to pour his own time into someone who had a definite answer as opposed to someone whose answer seemed to change.

They met at a spot by the river where they had spent most of their time last year. It was further up than the lot this year went, more enclosed by trees. The shaded area was cool, and Alec left his bike propped up against a tree as he waited.

It was only a few minutes later when Michael rode in to meet him, propping his own bike against Alec’s and hugging him as a greeting. Alec hadn’t had much casual affection in his life, and to have it from Michael, who was nice and interesting, and then interested in him, was something Alec found difficult to comprehend. And he always wanted more.

“Hello,” Michael greeted, squeezing Alec tighter before they broke apart.

“Hi,” Alec replied, smiling at him, finding it easy to smile at Michael because he made much more sense than Magnus. And then he told himself to stop thinking about Magnus because this was Michael, and Michael deserved his attention.

“Do you want to swim?” Michael asked.

“I thought that was what we were doing anyway,” Alec said, and Michael made a face at him that had Alec beaming. Michael was so much easier to navigate than Magnus.

“Get in the river,” Michael said, shoving Alec gently, Alec laughing at him.

He kicked his shoes off and pulled off his shirt, feeling Michael watching him. He glanced back to him once, Michael smiling as he removed his own shirt, his tanned skin beautiful and taut across his chest. It made Alec inhale deeply, and then he stepped forward until he was standing with his ankles in the water, Michael following him in.

They stood underneath the shade of the trees with their feet soaking, absorbing each other’s company.

“How has your time been without me?” Michael asked, Alec rolling his eyes.

“Just fine, thank you,” Alec said.

“Yeah?” Michael asked, Alec nodding. “You have someone else to fill your time?”

Alec, ignoring who Michael was referring to, said, “You didn’t fill my time that much.”

“I’m pretty sure I did.”

“No, you didn’t.”

“I did.”

Alec tutted and looked away from Michael, who laughed.

“I missed you,” Michael said when there was a lull after his laughter.

Alec looked back at him. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Alec felt warmth spread inside him, and knew he was going to enjoy his day here, even if Magnus wasn’t in it.

They swam in the river and spoke, Alec enjoying his easy company. It wasn’t a boiling day, but it was warm enough for the water to be pleasant on their skin, swimming short lengths, keeping each other close. Alec wanted to be near him, and he never strayed far.

At lunch, Michael climbed back onto the bank and invited Alec up with him, pulling some sandwiches out of his pack so they could eat together. Alec’s cheeks felt warm as they sat next to each other and he took his food from Michael.

Alec could feel his warmth from how close his body was, and it was difficult to concentrate on eating. He had to remember how to chew things with Michael breathing beside him, an awfully distracting presence, half-naked, body still wet. Swallowing was the most difficult part, and he struggled for a few moments before he managed it down.

They sunbathed for a while after, the sun reaching its peak and pouring through the spots that were not blocked by leaves. Really, they were just sat in the shade as they dried off, but it was warm enough that it felt like sunbathing. Or maybe that was Alec’s heart making his body warm. Who knew.

After they had dried off, they went straight back into the river again, no one else in sight. Alec could have watched Michael swim all day, and he did watch him a lot. Whenever Alec wasn’t swimming, he was watching Michael, and his long, brown locks as they stuck to his neck and face as he made his way through the water. He was an interesting vision, contrasting to who Alec usually watched.

Michael had barely changed over the year, and Alec found that much simpler than someone who changed regularly, someone who Alec could not work out. He knew who he was with Michael, and he knew who he got with Michael. He was much easier and much simpler.

Maybe Alec didn’t want him so much, but he was easier to understand.

They stayed together until evening, talking and remembering their summer, though neither of them explicitly mentioned what Michael had done on the balcony. They made discreet references, and Michael told Alec he had missed him, and Alec had told Michael he thought about him a lot, but they didn’t talk about kissing or holding hands.

And Alec preferred it that way. He did not like talking about things directly, because he was not so good with his words. Actions were better, Alec felt, but he wasn’t sure if he was any good with those either.

They rode back together, talking and nudging either and almost falling off their bikes many times. Stopping before the villa, Michael asked what Alec was doing tomorrow, and Alec had to give his rather sorrowful answer.

“I have to help with chores,” Alec said. “I’ve been skipping out on a lot of them. Mum’s not happy.”

Michael nodded, and Alec felt it was a great shame. Michael was only here for another day, and that time had to be taken away because his mother and father wanted him to help with things, even though he was sure he had given enough help over the years to warrant missing a few chores. It was tragic.

“What about in the evening?” Michael asked.

“I’ll be free.” Alec swallowed. “I’ll make sure of it.”

He knew what was coming. Michael was not here for long, and he was going to take the opportunities he could get. It was something Alec had to calm his nerves about, but he wanted it. He wanted it when it was simpler than the other options. And they weren’t even options anymore. He had this or nothing. And something, sometimes, was better than nothing.

“Would you come to mine tomorrow night?” Michael asked.

Alec nodded, understanding what that meant, and prepared for it. It was a step Alec wanted to take, even if it was a big one. Of course, he liked Michael, he liked Michael a lot and he meant so much to him, and it was a big move to make. But he felt he was ready. He supposed, with things like this, you just had to be ready when you were ready. He thought he was there, he just wasn’t sure if you were meant to feel something other than readiness when it came to a decision like this.

“Yeah?” Michael asked, probably for reassurance.

“Yeah,” Alec reassured. “Yeah.”

“Great,” Michael said, leaning in and kissing Alec on the cheek, just once. “I’ll see you tomorrow then.”

“Sure,” Alec said, smiling, happy to be kissed by Michael. Maybe there were other lips he wanted as well, but they were in a weird state, and Alec didn’t know what to do with that. He wanted Magnus, but he couldn’t do something with someone who didn’t want him.

Alec watched Michael as he cycled away, feeling oddly conflicted; there was a part of him that was excited, nervous, and happy about it, about the idea of being with Michael, about the idea of actually being kissed, on the lips by Michael; but there was another part of him that wondered if he was just doing this because the person he wanted more was unavailable. He _did_ want Michael, he really, truly did. But he also wanted Magnus, and he did want Magnus more.

He fell asleep without seeing any other member of the household and was content with that. He needed space, and, since he had gotten it, he supposed it would be easier to see them again tomorrow.

Breakfast the next morning was fine, but he could feel Magnus’ distance. It wasn’t a literal one, because they were sat opposite each other at the table. But he could feel Magnus’ small smiles in his heart, as if Alec had broken something between them, and maybe he had. He could sense Magnus merely being polite, and not interested, and it was crawling its way into what had been a content heart.

Alec was not someone who wanted it all. To have both Michael and Magnus was greedy, and he was not a greedy person. And he had thought to have Michael was enough, but, looking at Magnus was taking a step back, it was doing things to his mind again.

Alec wasn’t sure what he was doing, or if he wanted something more than the other. Magnus was the most conflicting person Alec knew, and it was making Alec’s emotions pummel from one to the other. He was frustrated with even himself, but he had made a promise to Michael, and he would commit to that promise. But he didn’t want to give Magnus up. Maybe Magnus was distant because he didn’t want Alec like Alec wanted him, but Alec wanted to try again, because he preferred restricted attention to being almost ignored.

Firstly, he had to do his chores, and was given dusting in the library. It was very boring and he had to do it all alone and the time dragged by.

They had lunch straight after, early and large, and Alec had wanted to do something with Magnus, maybe engage in proper conversation with him, but Magnus was talking to Jem, and Alec wasn’t going to interrupt. He might want attention, but he had to be patient, though he wasn’t sure, by this point, if he had any patience at all.

Then Magnus disappeared, and Alec was unsure about everything. He wanted Magnus, but he was promised to Michael, and Alec did not like feeling torn between two people. One of them was simple and wanted him, and the other was difficult and didn’t seem to want him. But Alec wanted to understand the latter and his feelings for him, and he did want him more. Alec just wanted it simple, but the simpler option was not as intriguing or as satisfying, Alec thought.

Night was a long way away after lunch, and Alec figured he should do something to fill his time, even if it wasn’t anything to do with Magnus. He did try to find Magnus, but he wasn’t in the living room and he wasn’t at the pool or the ocean, and Alec was more disappointed than he wanted to say. He could spend it in the orchard, he could go swimming, he could do a hundred things, but nothing was going to occupy his mind like he wanted it to. Nothing was going to take his mind off what was going to happen in a few hours’ time.

He whittled the hours away doing nothing, really; he picked up some books, but nothing interested him; he tried to play some chess, but he couldn’t get into the strategy; he tried to relax with Jace and Clary, but they were far too interested in each other, and Alec was bored by them. Pottering around, he did nothing, he just waited. The time could not go fast enough and, although he was nervous and anticipating what might happen, he was excited for it and he wanted to know who he would become afterwards, what kind of person he would be.

In the late afternoon, everyone having an early dinner because Bridget was going out and their lunch had been big enough to warrant it, Alec was walking through the house, trying to fill the last few hours before he thought it was the right time to go. He didn’t know when the right time was, but he should surely wait for it to be dark. Right? He didn’t know. This was uncharted territory for him and he had done nothing like it before.

Not knowing how else to spend his time, he made his way up to his room and went out onto the balcony. There wasn’t much of anything to do, he just sat out on the chairs there, watching the world go by, the sun beginning to sink. It made time feel slower, but he could think of nothing else to do.

There was some shuffling coming from Magnus’ room then, it having been silent beforehand. The door from the balcony into his room was slightly ajar and, whilst Alec didn’t want to pry, he did want to see Magnus again. He supposed he probably shouldn’t considering how their interactions had gone over the past few days, but he wanted to. He wanted to see him, after all, and he wanted to figure him out before Michael made him someone else.

Peering around the door, he saw Magnus, sitting on his bed, back against the headboard, reading. He was wearing shorts and only shorts, his bare, olive skin contrasting with the cream sheets and white walls beautifully. He had his knees crossed, relaxed, book set in his lap. Alec did not want to disturb him, for he was peaceful, and he deserved his peace.

But, as if sensing someone was looking at him, he looked at Alec and smiled, Alec entering almost instantly out of guilt and shame.

“Hey,” Magnus greeted, closing his book.

“Hi,” Alec replied, putting his hands in his pockets. It was the first time they had been alone to speak in a while, and Alec didn’t know how to navigate it. He wished things were easier, but Magnus was no easy feat, and it was ridiculous to wish him anything other than who he was.

“Is Michael gone?” Magnus asked.

“Not till tomorrow, but he’s not here now.”

“Right.”

“What are you reading?” Alec asked, leaning on the doorway.

“ _Wuthering Heights_.” Magnus showed him the cover. “Have you read it?”

Alec shook his head. Was he doing this to kill time or because he would do absolutely anything to spend time with Magnus? If he was honest, he thought it was likely the latter, but he was also anticipating his time to leave with Michael. That, however, had taken a step back in his mind, Magnus at the forefront, Michael at the back.

“I tried, but I could never get into it,” Alec said.

“Are you busy now?” Magnus asked.

“ _Right_ now?”

Magnus nodded.

Alec had time. In fact, he had all the time in the world for Magnus Bane. “Not at all.”

“Do you want to… Would you like to read it now?” Magnus was hesitant, likely because Alec had been absent from him and he didn’t know how Alec was going to react, which was fair, Alec thought, because not even he knew how he was going to react most of the time.

“With you?” Alec asked.

“Sure. I have the Italian copy here as well. I was going to try and improve my Italian, but it was a little difficult.” Magnus smiled at him. “You could read that one, if you wanted.”

“Next to you?”

“Sure, if you would like.”

“Yes, I, uh, I would like that,” Alec said, clearing his throat.

“Sure.” Magnus smiled at him.

The idea of spending intimate time with Magnus, the two of them reading together was something Alec instantly craved. Without even considering how long it might take, Alec nodded, happy to see Magnus satisfied with his answer. Anything Alec could give him, he would. He would give him the world if it would only fit in his hands.

He stepped all the way into the room, trying not to think about the last time he was here as it had been when Magnus had caught him smelling his shirt and then kissed his neck. It was a jarring thought. They had barely spoken about the shirt incident, but Alec didn’t really want to speak about it. Though, speaking about it might have made things a lot easier. It was a lot easier, however, to avoid things than to speak the truth.

Magnus patted the spot beside him for Alec to join. With a deep breath, preparing himself for perhaps anything, Alec sat beside him, their shoulders touching. Alec sat with his back to the wall and his knees up, knowing how much more vulnerable he would feel if his legs were outstretched, their legs possibly brushing as well. They were already close enough, Alec would not be able to cope if their legs touched also.

Magnus passed Alec the Italian version and Alec opened it, but he knew there was no way he was going to be able to concentrate. He might pretend he could so they could stay sat as they were, but he could not read it properly. Not like this.

They didn’t say anything to each other, both just reading, Alec paying zero attention to the words. Instead, he was appreciating the way their shoulders were on top of each other, the way their bodies touched. Everything that touched sparked inside him, and he wondered if it would be the same with Michael, though Michael was slowly starting to seep from his mind.

Michael left completely when, as casually as anything, Magnus brought his free hand up and rested it on Alec’s leg, just above his knee. Alec’s breathing hitched, and Magnus hesitated, for only a moment, but, since Alec did not move, he kept it there, and Alec could not believe the world he lived in. The absolute wildest of sensations ran through his system at the feel of Magnus’ fingers ever so gently touching the sensitive skin above his knee.

If he was ever going to pay attention to the book, he certainly wasn’t now. At this point, he couldn’t even remember what he was reading or what Italian ever was, let alone some brown-haired boy who had asked for his company that night. No, instead, his focus was on the weight of Magnus’ wrist that was lying across his thigh, and how wonderful it was to feel Magnus’ fingers touching his bare skin.

He turned the pages in rhythm with Magnus, the end of the book getting thinner and thinner, but Alec read virtually none of the words. They did not speak to each other, they merely existed with each other, just touching. Alec felt his heart in his mouth, oddly infatuated with the moment, with the feel of the moment and what it did to his mind, his soul.

A long while after the sun had set, the moon having cast the room in its bluish light, Magnus was taking longer than usual to turn the page. Alec just thought Magnus was thinking about something, maybe rereading a passage, and so he did nothing to query it. He just sat there, comfortable with their skin touching, with Magnus’ hand on his body. He did not turn his own page in case it was a difficult passage he was meant to be reading, waiting only for Magnus.

“Are you paying any attention?” Magnus asked, breaking their comfortable silence. It made Alec jump.

After he had recovered, Alec turned and smiled at Magnus, who was already looking at him. “None at all.”

Magnus laughed, Alec beaming at him. Slowly, gently, Magnus stroked his thumb across Alec’s skin, and Alec smiled at him even brighter. Part of Magnus, Alec could feel, was doing this to ask a question, to ask if it was okay. It was, it totally and completely was, but if Alec said it, if he uttered the words, he felt it might break the moment. This was a moment of silence between them, a moment for them to be there, and experience it. Maybe talk about it later. Maybe.

Slowly, Magnus reached his other hand up and brushed Alec’s hair off his forehead. Alec closed his eyes and pressed his face into the contact, knowing it would only be a short moment, but wanting to live in it forever.

“Can I stay here tonight?” Alec asked, almost a whisper as Magnus let his hand drop back to his side.

His other hand started to move away from his knee, and Alec grabbed it to keep it there.

“Just to sleep,” Alec reassured. “Just… Just to sleep.”

There was some conflict behind his eyes, unsure if he should let this happen. Alec didn’t want anything to happen. If he was honest, he liked the idea of just being able to sleep in the same bed as Magnus, just being with him in that other, calm realm. Maybe it didn’t seem like a regular thing to do, but Alec so wanted it. They had been apart for far too long, and it was near tearing Alec apart when all he wanted was to just _be_ with Magnus, whatever form that came in.

“Just to sleep,” Alec reiterated. “Please.”

“Why?” Magnus asked, thankfully not removing his hand from Alec’s leg, though not connecting their fingers like Alec was hoping he might. Maybe he should just make the move, there was no reason he couldn’t after all.

After pausing and waiting, he did just that, connecting their fingers, looking down at their hands that were more contrasting than Alec even realised until that moment, he said, “I like to be with you.”

“Asleep?” Magnus asked.

Alec looked up to him again but saw he was watching their fingers as well, their hands resting on Alec’s leg, connected, unparting.

“Even asleep,” Alec replied, Magnus looking up to him then.

“If you are sure that that is all it will be,” Magnus began, slowly to emphasise each word and be sure of this decision. “Then, yes.”

“Yes?”

“Yes, but,” Magnus began again, pausing this time for emphasis. “I don’t want… I just don’t think this should happen regularly.”

“It wouldn’t,” Alec said, but then he thought about it for a second and found he would want to do it every night that followed until they were parted from each other. “But, why?”

“To be… sure, I suppose.”

“I’m sure,” Alec said, and he knew what those words meant. To say that, even though surety was not something he had, he knew what he meant. And so he said it, to reassure Magnus, maybe, more than himself.

“Okay.” Magnus brushed his thumb across the back of Alec’s hands. “But maybe be doubly sure before you ask again.”

Alec smiled, wide and proud. “Okay.”

They put the books away after that and got ready for bed, Alec more than excited about the idea of just being able to sleep next to Magnus. They changed, in their separate rooms, and cleaned their teeth, and then Alec waited patiently in the doorway for Magnus to tidy up the things off his bed before he came in.

Although nothing was going to happen, Alec still felt a nervous pit in his stomach. This was entirely more intimate than anything they had done before, and he sorely hoped he did not wake up in a puddle of his own want like he had done only a few days before. That would be a level of embarrassment he would never recover from, and he would have to catch a flight from Italy the second he could to escape it all.

As long as that didn’t happen, however, it would all be fine. They didn’t have to touch, they didn’t have to hold hands, they didn’t even have to face each other; all Alec wanted was to sleep in Magnus’ bed whilst Magnus was there as well. To have him, serene, asleep, calm, right beside him, to share in his peace, that was all he cared for.

As they drifted off, facing each other, Alec felt oddly peaceful, and his mind was nowhere near a certain brown-haired boy who had asked for his company that night.


	16. It Could Never Be Broken

As Magnus awoke, he wondered what on earth had driven him to make the decision he had made last night. Sure, nothing had happened and it had literally just been the two of them sleeping next to each other, but it had meant something more than that. It had meant something he didn’t even know. It had made Magnus panic, even though it lasted only a second. Michael had said it had taken him too long to make any sort of move, but was this something they should have done? Was there something else they should have done first? Or was this the perfect kind of start? Magnus did not know, but his sleep had been perfectly peaceful, and he was sure the remedy to his restless nights was the body lying in front of him, still asleep.

It seemed a ridiculous thing, but Magnus was feeling more content than anything else. There was this blanket of comfort covering them, serenity consuming them. Alec was a calming presence, even though he was difficult to figure out, he was calming, and although others might not understand the pull of wanting to just sleep next to each other, they would if it was Alec they could sleep next to.

Before Magnus could make much sense of it, Alec started to wake. The sun had been rising for a while, and Magnus was surprised he had woken up first. Perhaps Magnus' body just knew it was Alec he was sleeping next to, and so it had allowed him to awake to gaze at Alec, allowed him this quiet morning moment, for Magnus would give anything in the world to have this with him; Alec might be more solid in the morning, more consistent in his feelings. Magnus didn’t know; he was young, he was tumultuous, he wasn’t expecting too much from him, he just hoped for more moments with him, whatever they may be.

As he unveiled his blue eyes of beauty to the world, he focused in on Magnus, confused for a moment, and then pleased with his situation. His smile was bright, all encompassing of how he felt. Magnus felt a wash of happiness consume him as well, confused and bemused by how one person made him feel the way he did.

“Good morning,” Alec said, youthful in his waking, Magnus needing to stretch and nap a little while longer, though he supposed he wasn’t that much older.

“Good morning,” Magnus replied.

Alec rolled onto his back, probably dangerously close to the edge of the bed. He didn’t care, Magnus supposed, for he was content. And being content made you care about very few things.

Before they could say anything else, there was a voice from downstairs, calling to Alec.

Alec damn near froze before he sat up, waiting to be called again.

“Alec!” the voice called again, and it sounded like Isabelle. Magnus just waited, patient.

“Yeah?” Alec asked, loud enough to be heard from where he was.

“Michael’s going now!”

Something flashed across Alec’s eyes, panic perhaps, and he threw the covers off and ran through the bathroom into his own room, cursing fervently. “I’ll be down in a second!”

Magnus, both out of confusion and curiosity, got up and dressed as well, coming down the stairs just after Alec, who was running and still furiously cursing.

Outside, Michael was indeed waiting by his running car, hugging Maryse. Alec was almost out of breath when he went up to him, apologising, though Magnus didn’t hear about what. He just waited with Jem, who was smiling. Jem was always smiling, and Magnus didn’t care to think about what he was smiling about this time.

“We didn’t see you at all last night,” Jem said, Magnus watching closely as Michael kissed Alec on both cheeks, a normal greeting here, though there seemed more to it than just casual greeting. Then Alec apologised again, Michael seeming genial enough to not care, smiling at Alec who seemed even more panicked than before.

“No,” Magnus said. “I was… We were…”

Jem looked at him with raised eyebrows.

Magnus closed his eyes and shook his head, mainly at himself. “No,” was the only thing he could say.

Jem laughed, both turning back to watch Alec and Michael still talking. “I thought that was a little…”

“Let’s not,” Magnus pleaded.

He laughed again. “What were you doing?”

“Reading,” Magnus said, not intending to talk about the touching or the sleeping in the same bed together.

“It was nice to meet you, Magnus,” Michael said, Alec stepping back. Magnus came closer, shaking the hand Michael was offering.

“And you,” Magnus replied, both of them knowing exactly what they were to each other, to Alec, not having to say a word about it and never going to say a word about it.

“I hope the summer works out for you,” Michael said, and Magnus knew exactly what that meant as well.

Magnus stepped back then, letting Michael get into his car. Alec leaned through the window and said something more to Michael, everyone letting them have their privacy. Magnus came back to Jem, who was smiling, maybe knowing even more, Magnus could never know for sure.

“Were they…?” Jem asked, dancing around the subject. “Were they together last summer?”

“No,” Magnus said. Alec and Michael kissed each other on the cheek again, no one thinking anything of it because this was normal. And it _was_ normal, Magnus was the only one who might know that it was something more, that there was more to those kisses than met the eye. “I think they wanted to be.”

“And did they get to be, this summer?” Jem asked, not to pry, Magnus knew that, just to understand.

Magnus shrugged. “I’m not sure.”

Michael drove off then, Alec waving until he was gone from sight. Magnus wondered if he should leave Alec be, let him be alone. If he was hurting from Michael leaving, he probably didn’t want Magnus around to see that.

But Alec turned around the second Michael was gone and came back to Magnus’ side. He smiled at Jem, Jem, as ever, smiling back.

“What are you two kids doing today, then?” Jem asked. Magnus tried not to glare at him. If Alec’s emotions were going to be running wild any day, today would be the day. This was not something you asked outright, not to tumultuous Alec Lightwood.

He only shrugged, however. Maybe Jem being around was enough to keep him calm, Magnus didn’t know.

“What are you guys doing?” Alec asked.

“Well, we were going to help Bridget cut the flowers, but she said she doesn’t want any help-,” Jem began.

“She’s cutting the flowers, today?” Alec asked.

Jem nodded.

“I’ll be right back,” Alec said, and he practically ran off, the other two just watching, bemused.

“So, what are we doing today?” Magnus asked.

“I don’t know. I do know the river is out of bounds,” Jem said, pointedly, for they knew who was there today. “The sea is always nice.”

“Much more preferable,” Magnus said, for he loved the ocean and who Alec usually was when he was at the ocean.

Will and Tessa came out then, talking to them, but Magnus was much more interested in where Alec had gone. Quietly excusing himself from the conversation, he followed where Alec had gone only moments before, not so quietly bumping into him when he had gotten around the corner.

“Sorry,” Alec said.

“That’s okay,” Magnus replied, smiling at him. “Where did you go?”

“Um,” Alec began, thinking his words over for a moment. “When Bridget cuts the flowers, it’s because she’s cutting the important ones, so…” Alec presented the dahlia, Magnus’ favourite flower.

Magnus looked down at it, his heart soaring because Alec had remembered that throwaway comment from so many days ago. It made his body warm, and his smile that formed on his lips was fond and wonderful, and he wasn’t sure when someone had done something so sweet for him before. It stunned him into silence.

“Fuck,” Alec said, breaking the silence almost violently. “It’s stupid, isn’t it?”

“What? Magnus asked, reaching out and taking it before Alec could throw it away. “I’m touched.”

Alec nodded, flushing. Magnus decided not to focus on it too much, otherwise Alec would get too embarrassed and never do anything like it ever again. And Magnus wanted it to happen again.

“I will go put this upstairs,” Magnus said. “And then I think we’re going to the ocean.”

“Sure.”

Magnus hurried upstairs and put the flower in the middle of a heavy book, closing it so as to press the flower forever. Then he hurried back downstairs, ready for the beach.

Down on the sand, the others rushed right into the ocean, and Alec followed slowly. Magnus kept in step with Alec, because he wanted to spend time with him. If Alec was like this, open, and as open as he usually was at the ocean, then maybe something might progress. Maybe they could talk, hold a conversation like they had done before. Magnus hoped that was the case, because he missed Alec, and, even though he had been around, he hadn’t been the Alec Magnus knew him to be.

They stood with their feet in the shallows, wetting their ankles as they soaked in the rays. The others were already swimming, cooling their hot skin, but Alec and Magnus stayed behind. Each other’s company was what they needed more than anything else.

“I feel like I need to explain to you who Michael is,” Alec said, quiet, the sound of the ocean and the other people enjoying the weather their ambience.

“You don’t have to.” Magnus meant it. Whoever Michael was to him, it didn’t matter to Magnus. Magnus didn’t require Alec’s attention exclusively, for that wasn’t fair to anyone. If he was with Michael, that was his choice, and Magnus didn’t need to know anything.

“But, I want to tell you,” Alec said, facing out towards the ocean, the sun framing him, distinguishing his long eyelashes, his blue eyes the colour of the ocean before him.

“Okay,” Magnus said, allowing him to say anything he wanted. Even if it was one word he said about Michael, Magnus would take it, because even the simplest of utterances from Alec’s mouth was like a drop of water on a burning day.

“He was here last year,” Alec began, testing out the words in his own mouth first, Magnus thought. “He had your room.”

Alec looked at Magnus, quiet and contemplative as he processed his words.

“He kissed me on the cheek.” Alec paused again. “Like, properly, not greeting or the way you do when you say bye. And I think we almost kissed. Last year, I mean.”

Magnus had thought it might be more than that, that Michael held more of Alec to his chest than some cheek kissing, but he supposed it was enough for Alec, who was unsure of himself. Even someone kissing him on the cheek, the way Michael had done almost a year ago, had meant Alec had given Michael a piece of himself, that Michael was one of the many secrets Alec held. It wasn’t what Magnus had thought, but it was enough of what he had guessed at.

“ _This_ year,” Alec began, looking back out to the horizon, though Magnus did not let his gaze shift from Alec, because he thought he might figure something out from his facial expressions. “He asked me to go and see him. Last night, when I was…”

“You were with me,” Magnus finished for him, and wondering if Alec might resent a part of Magnus because of that.

Alec nodded, still not looking at Magnus. “I knew what it meant. I knew what he wanted from it, if I had gone to see him.”

“And did you want the same thing?”

Alec shrugged. “I agreed to go. But… I got distracted.”

“I’m sorry,” Magnus apologised, though he was not entirely sure what he was sorry for.

“Why?” Alec asked, looking at him sharply.

Magnus wasn’t sure what to say. He wasn’t even sure why he had apologised in the first place. He thought about it for a long time before he spoke, Alec looking at him and waiting.

“I think I’m sorry because I wouldn’t want to keep you from something you wanted.” Magnus was sure that was a half-answer, but it was as good as Alec was going to get because it was as good as Magnus could come up with.

“But I wanted to stay with you,” Alec said. “So you didn’t keep me from something I wanted.”

“So, you didn’t want to be with Michael?” Magnus asked, confused.

Alec chewed his cheek and walked further out into the ocean. Magnus watched him, not following him for he wasn’t sure if Alec needed to be alone to think about his answer. He didn’t walk far, but there was a distance between them, and Magnus would let Alec come closer, Magnus needing confirmation from him.

When Alec turned back to face him, they watched each other. The distance between them made it easier, the two of them able to look at each other and not feel it as too intense or too vulnerable. Magnus attempted to gauge Alec’s thoughts, but he was locked, and the sun in his eyes, making him squint, made it no easier. Magnus just waited, letting Alec make his mind up.

He made a gesture to come closer, and Magnus made the short distance towards him. They stood facing each other now, and Magnus could work out more of Alec’s features now he blocked the sun from Alec’s eyes.

His blue eyes were quizzical, brow furrowing as he thought. His skin was tinted red from the sun, and his dark locks were messy. Magnus wondered if he had brushed it that morning, or if he had been too hurried to see Michael off and forgotten about it. Magnus wished he could reach out and touch him, but they were in that odd space again where Magnus wasn’t sure if they were okay or not, and so he restrained himself.

“If you hadn’t been here this year, I think I would have slept with him,” Alec said, unsure of himself but sure in his statement.

Magnus nodded. “I wouldn’t have minded if you did anyway.”

Alec hesitated and looked away, Magnus watching his head turn. His neck was on show, a perfect strip of pale skin, unblemished, untouched. Magnus remembered kissing it, the way his smooth skin had felt underneath his lips. It had been such a rash move, such an unsure decision, but his body had moved before his mouth could make a decision, and he just kissed it, kissed him. He had felt Alec shiver beneath him, and he wanted to replicate the moment now, if the world would only allow it.

After a moment, Alec stepped forward, closer to Magnus. It was close, far closer than they had ever been in public. No one was looking at them, and Magnus wasn’t worried anyone would, but it was close. Magnus could feel the heat from his body, and it made him swallow.

Magnus wasn’t entirely sure what it was Alec was waiting for, but he was waiting for something. Magnus wanted to give it to him, whatever it might be, but he couldn’t give it to him if he didn’t know.

The momentary pause between them was heavy, and all Magnus could hear was Alec’s breathing and the sounds of the waves. No one else was there, even though they were, very much, there. The world was theirs, and Magnus wanted to know what he should do with it, if he even had the power here or if Alec held it all in his hands.

It was Alec who broke it, Magnus’ throat too thick to do anything. He smiled bright and wide, up at Magnus who was even more confused and unsure now. Alec’s smile was blinding, it lit up his entire face, ignited the blue waters of his eyes. It made him shine, like a light in the darkness, like a fire in the depths, and Magnus could not look away from a light that bright and beautiful, burning and wanting attention.

“What?” Magnus asked, light and confused, Alec still smiling at him.

“Nothing,” Alec replied, reaching up and gently shoving Magnus’ shoulder. The contact sent a river of sparks from the point Alec had touched. His body swayed from the contact, and then Alec was right there, available to touch. Magnus reached up and gently shoved Alec as well, Alec swaying from the contact, and not running off or shying away.

When Alec went to push him again, Magnus caught his hand and then they were wrestling in the shallows. They were laughing and touching each other, skin on skin as they soaked themselves. Magnus didn’t care. He didn’t care how loud or disruptive they were or who might be watching, all he cared about was pushing and pulling Alec about as they wrestled.

Magnus could have and would have done it all day, just to be close to Alec, just to touch him and hear him laugh, because his laugh was the most enchanting sound in the world, but they couldn’t do it all day. They exhausted themselves as they tugged at each other and rolled over in the water, limbs everywhere.

They sat in the shallows after parting, checking to see if anybody had been looking, but the others were all racing in the deeper area, the other people paying no attention, jumping off the cliff or having fun themselves. And they were allowed to do this. Even if it didn’t happen often and Alec was unsure of himself, this was allowed between anyone, even people who were interested in each other but not sure about that either.

Their chests heaved as they recovered their breathing, sitting with the water up to their waists, hands resting behind them to keep them up. As they panted and their soaked skin dried, Magnus chanced a smile at Alec, Alec smiling back with ease.

Magnus adored Alec at the ocean, and he wanted to keep him forever. Sure, he wanted him when he was different as well, when he was different versions of himself, but Alec at the beach was the easiest to understand, and, if he got to a certain stage with Alec here, he was sure understanding him in his other versions would come easier.

Alec laughed his enchanting laugh, sounding even more beautiful as his breathing recovered. Magnus could watch him forever, and he tried not to look down at his body, covered in water, dripping, his chest rising and falling as he breathed, but he failed. He was a vision of beauty, the rest of the world boring and uninteresting compared to him. Nothing made the world as interesting as Alec, and Magnus would find nothing occupying his mind like Alec did.

When his eyes snapped back up to Alec’s, Alec was already looking at him, the ghost of a smile painted on his perfect lips. Magnus cleared his throat, not meant to have been caught looking, and he looked away, towards the horizon where things were not as beautiful as they were on the beach.

“What are you thinking?” Alec asked, voice thick and dark in a beautiful way.

Looking back to Alec, Magnus asked, “Does it matter?”

Alec nodded.

“I don’t think I’m thinking about anything.”

Alec laughed. “You don’t _think_ you’re thinking?”

“No.”

Alec laughed again. “Can I guess what you’re thinking?”

“Sure.”

“Are you thinking about me?”

“Right now?”

Alec thought. “ _Do_ you think about me?”

“What do you mean?” Magnus asked, though the words had been difficult to voice and his throat was thick with implication.

“You know what I mean.”

Sometimes, Magnus wondered how this Alec was the same one who had cursed because he didn’t think Magnus liked him, or how this Alec could be the same one who avoided, and failed, to look at him from across the table. This Alec, who, though uncertain, asked the questions he wanted to ask, this Alec, who demanded answers, this Alec, who watched without breaking eye contact, could not, in any way, be that same Alec who had tried to deny doing anything when Magnus had caught him smelling his shirt.

But this was the same Alec. Whatever form he came in, whatever mood he woke in, it was the same Alec. Magnus just had to figure out which traits came through at all times and stick to those to navigate through each of them.

“Why do you want to know?” Magnus asked, though he felt ridiculous for even asking it. He wasn’t sure what Alec wanted to hear, and he wasn’t even sure what the truth was. Of course, he was thinking about Alec. He thought about him all the time. Most of the day, he was thinking about Alec. But how did he tell Alec that when he wasn’t sure where Alec stood on the matter.

“Because I do,” Alec said, his gaze unmoving, his blue waters intense. “Sometimes, I think about you.”

“You do?”

Alec nodded.

“Sometimes, I think about you,” Magnus repeated, for it was true. He didn’t want to phrase it any other way because that was how Alec said it, and if Alec said it like that, that meant it was okay to say, he supposed.

Alec nodded again, maybe satisfied with Magnus’ answer, maybe not. It was difficult to tell what Alec was feeling most of the time.

“You really wouldn’t have been mad if I slept with Michael?” Alec asked, his gaze so intense, Magnus felt swallowed by him. Alec was eating him whole with his gaze, and Magnus wasn’t sure if he should enjoy the feeling as much as he did.

Magnus shook his head. “No.”

Alec, chewing his cheek, studied Magnus further, and Magnus did not look away.

“Are you ever mad when I spend time with Camille?” Magnus asked when Alec said nothing.

“Yes.”

His answer had been so abrupt and there had been no hesitancy, Magnus wasn’t sure what to say. Sure, he had thought Alec might not like it when he and Camille were together, but he had never thought Alec would admit that, or that he would admit, so readily, that he did not like it when they were together. Alec’s open nature at the beach was too much to handle for Magnus, sometimes, and he never thought that would be the case.

“Maybe I don’t get mad,” Alec said, realising he had sent Magnus into confusion. “But, I feel envious, I think.”

“Of me?” Magnus asked. “Or of Camille?”

“Camille.”

It was more admission than Magnus could have ever hoped for. And it was probably the closest Alec might ever come to anything else, the most he might ever say. Magnus wasn’t sure how to respond, but he knew this was a moment between them he would never forget.

“Do you know that you swallow when you think?” Alec asked, glancing at Magnus’ throat and then back up to his eyes.

“I did not know that,” Magnus said, and felt conscious of how much of his skin was showing, of how much Alec could see. Alec had watched his throat, and Magnus could feel his eyes on him, feel Alec drinking in the sight of him. It was an intense feeling.

“Mm,” Alec hummed. It made Magnus swallow again, and the corners of Alec’s lips twitched, and Magnus laughed through his nose.

Alec reached over and shoved his shoulder, still smirking. And then Magnus, in just the same manner, shoved him back. He was happy to touch him, and he was glad this was okay.

Before he dropped his hand, Alec caught at Magnus’ wrist, keeping his hand touching him. After a moment of hesitancy, Magnus pressed his palm to Alec’s chest, spreading out his hand to touch as much of him as he was allowed, as much as Alec was allowing him.

The pads of his fingers felt the lines of his chest, his thumb touching his collarbone. His skin was smooth, his pale body pleasant to touch. It made Magnus swallow again, feeling the warmth of his skin, able to feel his heartbeat.

The fingers around his wrist were gentle but firm, keeping Magnus’ hand there, on his skin. Magnus could feel each of his fingers, touching him, holding him. Magnus’ throat was thick with want. To touch Alec like this, and to have Alec making him touch him, it was such a wild sensation, and it made his heart pound and his blood run hot.

When Alec dropped his hand, Magnus brought it back to his lap, Alec’s skin still present on his palm.

“I don’t know why I did that,” Alec said.

“I’m glad you did,” Magnus replied, wanting to instil confidence because he wanted Alec to do it again.

Alec laughed and stood, the sun behind him, making him glow, a bright aura around him, a vision. “Sometimes, you say odd things.”

Magnus stood as well. “Sometimes, you do, too.”

Alec turned and beamed at him.

Without another word, Alec walked further out in the ocean, and Magnus followed him, for he would follow Alec anywhere to get his attention.


	17. A Dance with Desire

Unfortunately, they were joined by the others for the rest of their time at the beach, but they had had enough exchanges for Alec to feel satisfied. They raced, and they laughed, and Alec could not keep his eyes off Magnus, his olive skin soaking in the sun.

He could not keep his eyes off him at the beach. He could not keep his eyes off him at dinner. He could not keep his eyes off him when they were drinking and playing cards into the night.

Alec had tried to stay awake so he might spend the entire day and night with him, but he was exhausted and so much socialising and investing his time and attention in one person had taken it out of him. He didn’t want to bid them goodnight, but he had to. And a part of him had hoped Magnus might excuse himself too, but they were in the middle of a game, and Alec couldn’t take him all for himself. The world deserved him too.

The next morning, after their general chores of picking fruit and squeezing some for juice, the consensus was that they go to the river. Alec wasn’t sure, and Magnus seemed hesitant because they knew who liked to go to the river. But the others were bored of the beach, and the excuses to go to the beach instead weren’t ones he could voice.

He was quiet when they rode over to the river in the hot morning sun, feeling Magnus’ silence as well. When Camille was there, they were distant and different, and Alec didn’t like who they were at the river. He particularly didn’t like who Magnus was at the river when he was with Camille.

When they got there, he listened for the French tones and looked out for the blonde curls, but they were the only ones there. It didn’t make Alec relax, because she could appear and ruin everything in seconds, as she usually did.

Magnus went with the others as they stripped off their shirts and shoes, so Alec, done before the rest of them, waded into the river to try and right his mind. Camille wasn’t here, Alec and Magnus could have their moments. Alec needed to stop thinking about worst case scenarios when things were fine.

He just needed this moment alone, and then he could be there with Magnus. It was only a moment he needed to prepare himself. Times with Magnus were vulnerable and probing, and Alec wondered what part of himself he would reveal to Magnus today.

Lying back, Alec started to drift. He closed his eyes and let himself float. It was a wonder Camille wasn’t here, and Alec wanted to make the most of that, and sure, there were plenty of other people that might watch them or see them, though Alec supposed they might not care. He was conflicted, and he needed a moment alone to calm his rampant thoughts.

The cool water on his hot skin cooled his mind like it cooled the sun from his pale body. He floated in the water, drifting, drowning out the sounds of everyone else. They got it so easy; Jace and Clary could kiss underneath the sun, Simon and Izzy could hold hands and push each other playfully. They could do whatever they wanted, be casually affectionate, flirt in the open. Alec couldn’t. He couldn’t even dream of it. No matter how much he wanted to flirt, how much he wanted to just touch him to show him he was interested, he couldn’t.

He drifted and drifted, content as he could be. He couldn’t be perfectly content because he wanted to touch Magnus, and to do that so publicly was taboo. In a perfect world, he could, he supposed, a world that had yet to exist.

“Alec?” a voice, as pleasant to Alec’s slightly submerged ears as any voice could ever be, startled him, sending him upright. Water flew just about everywhere, covering Alec’s face and hair.

In his moment of drifting, he had not realised how close to Magnus he had come. They were right in front of each other, closer, perhaps, than they had been ever before. He could see the flecks of yellow in his eyes, the lengths of his longest lashes, the two freckles he had on his cheek, the flecks of dark hairs along his jaw.

Like this, they could touch, even if for only a second, they could. They were close enough. No one would even notice. He could reach out and touch him, touch his skin, touch his lips.

Magnus did it for him, reaching his hand out to cup Alec’s cheek. Alec pressed his face into the contact, desperate for it. They were slightly parted from the rest of the group, set away where they might be hidden. This was okay. It was better than okay; it was wonderful, the best moment in his entire life.

They did not speak, Magnus just cupped his cheek and brushed his thumb across his skin, both wet though it bothered them not. This was a haven, this was where Alec decided he would go when he needed something to give him hope, to give him even a sliver of happiness. It was here, and it would remain here for the longest of times.

Ever so slightly, only noticeable to Alec because he was so close, Magnus leaned in. Alec could not stop watching his lips, parted ever so slightly, wettened. Alec had wondered what his lips might taste like, but he never thought he’d get the chance to taste them. That was an impossible dream, one that made him feel things he barely understood. It was not something that was ever going to happen, Alec had never believed in it. But Magnus was still leaning in, and Alec might get the chance now.

He had never kissed anyone before, he didn’t really know what he was doing. Even if there wasn’t much to do at all, he still felt wholly unprepared to be kissing anyone, let alone the person he wanted to kiss more than anyone else in the entire world. To want to kiss someone, and to be _able_ to kiss that someone, what a perfect dream.

Alec closed his eyes, assuming a level of confidence he didn’t often assume. He didn’t think he’d be able to look at Magnus that close, he would be struck by his stunning beauty. He was often struck by him, by how beautiful he was, and how Alec did not deserve to see that beauty so close. No one did.

As he felt Magnus’ breath on his skin, Alec prepared himself for who he might become after they had kissed for the first time. He wondered how much he would change, what differences he would notice in himself. Would there be any? Would this lead to other things? Alec was desperate to know, even though he knew these things took time. A lot of time, Alec knew that.

Then there was a squeal of laughter nearby before a large explosion of water which got on Alec’s back, and the two parted quicker than Alec thought was possible for people to move. Turning around in the water, Alec saw that Jace had attempted to perform some sort of intricate jump and ended up smacking his stomach into the water. Everyone was laughing, Jace actually looking pained as he rose to the surface. Alec hated him for a second, though it wasn’t really his fault, he hadn’t known what he was doing, after all.

Looking back at Magnus, he saw his apologetic smile and it had made him feel worse. He had been so ready for it, so prepared to be kissed, to feel his lips. They had been an inch or so apart, and it was ruined. Alec could sink to the riverbed and be content to spend his days there. It would be much easier than dealing with this.

Trying not to flush, Alec smiled back at him. Magnus might have merely been caught in the moment, he might not want to do it again. This might have been their only chance, and it was ruined.

Before they could even talk about it, Jem walked by them on the bank. He didn’t seem to acknowledge anything, he only smiled as he walked on by, going to join Clary who was in hysterics regarding Jace’s failed attempt at being impressive. But it made Alec realise just how out in the open they were, and the pit growing in his stomach at the idea he could have been kissing Magnus and then that he could have been _caught_ kissing him was making him bilious. It was not a perfect world they lived in, and Alec didn’t want to pretend they did for it would likely get them into situations he would not know how to handle.

No matter how much he wanted it, no matter how close they might have gotten, it was as far from a perfect world as it could get. He could dream, and he could pretend, but it didn’t solve any problems. They were large problems, and they were problems to be kept in secret, like everything else.

It was for that reason he swam over to the bank, dried himself off, and sat with Jem and Clary, ignoring the feeling of Magnus watching him. It would be good if Camille came now because at least Camille could give him what he wanted. If he wanted affection, kisses, touching, Camille could give it to him. Alec might want to, he might yearn for that sort of thing, but he couldn’t give it to Magnus. Not in this world, at least.

Magnus gave him his distance for the rest of the day. If they were together or biking beside each other or walking next each other, it was never alone. If they were in conversation, it wasn’t alone. They were always a part of the larger group, and Alec needed that. There was nothing risky about being part of the larger group. He and Magnus could be together all they liked, as long as they weren’t alone.

When it came to dinner, Alec was only content to sit next to Magnus because it was not alone. They could not be trusted alone, Alec knew that. Whilst it wasn’t that he didn’t want to be alone with Magnus, and it wasn’t that he didn’t want to do what they might do if they were alone, it was the idea of the rest of the world knowing what they might do, what they _would_ do. To be caught was to breed this idea of shame, and whilst he wasn’t ashamed of who he was, of what he liked, he knew the rest of the world would teach him to be ashamed, and he did not want that, not when what they could have could be beautiful and wonderful and pure.

Bridget brought their food out, helped by a Max who had been pulled into help as he had stropped last night for not being able to go out clubbing like Isabelle, Simon, Jace, and Clary. Max, whilst a bright kid who was going to go far, was still a kid, and he still threw tantrums. It was endearing, really, though Max probably didn’t think so.

Alec took his plate from Max, who was pouting because he didn’t want to help, and smiled at him. Max pointedly looked away, crossing his arms as he went back inside to get another plate. As he put his plate down, he felt Magnus’ leg brush his, and it made his breath hitch.

They hadn’t touched each other like this in a while, and Alec had almost forgotten why they had done it. He could remember every detail of it, touching his skin, feeling the hair on his leg, the warmth. It had shocked him to receive such a forceful reminder, but he wasn’t against it. In fact, he wanted it again, but he wasn’t sure if it was an accident or not. And this was public. To be caught was to be shamed, and Alec didn’t want that shame.

But Magnus, definitely intentionally, brushed his leg against Alec’s again. Alec wasn’t entirely sure how discreet it would look, if it would look like anything to anybody who might be watching them, but he decided not to care. He did not want to be caught or to be shamed for it, but if he could pretend he didn’t care about that, if only for a moment, he could immerse himself in this, and how he wanted that.

They kept their legs pressed together as the rest of the plates were brought out, as Max joined them, eating grumpily, as the conversations began amongst everyone. Alec pretended to engage with the conversation opposite him between Jem and Tessa, but really, he was elsewhere, focusing on every part of the leg that his own leg was touching. He could feel his skin again, he could feel the warmth it radiated, and he could picture just how contrasting they would look if he looked down and saw his pale skin set directly opposite Magnus’ olive tone. And how he would love it with all of his being.

Gently, without moving his body, without anyone who might be looking at them able to notice, Magnus slipped his hand underneath the table and ran it, just once, up Alec’s thigh. It was slow enough Alec could feel every pad of finger touching his skin, but quick enough people would think nothing of it. It had made Alec spark.

It was a desperate distraction, and Alec kept craving him to do it again. He could do it himself, but he knew he would, in no way, be near as smooth as Magnus had been. He would likely fuck it up or make it obvious. And it was Magnus’ thing to do, if he would do it again, even only once, Alec would be set for life. He was likely already set up for life as it was, but he was craving more. He didn’t want to get greedy, but he was. This was Magnus, and he wanted as much of him as he could get.

And he did do it again, three more times. Each time, Alec had to control his breathing, to focus on something else, otherwise how it made him feel would become far too obvious to the rest of the table. But he enjoyed it just as much, if not more, than the time before. To feel the smooth skin of his hand on his thigh, what a wonder life could be.

Their calves were still touching, so much of their bodies wanting to touch more, to inch closer, but that would be far too obvious. They had to be discreet and, with Jem already having told him how indiscreet they were, Alec was not going to risk anything else.

“Non hai mangiato molto del tuo cibo,” Bridget said, picking up Alec’s plate.

Alec realised then just how little he had eaten. He had been thoroughly distracted, Alec knew that much, and it had gotten rid of any sort of famish he might have been feeling beforehand.

“Io non ho fame,” Alec replied, knowing at least half of the table was looking at him.

Bridget tutted. “Vuoi un dessert?”

“Sicuro,” Alec said, thinking he should likely eat something before bed. He didn’t want to pass out just because he hadn’t eaten, too busy thinking about Magnus touching his thigh.

“And me,” Max interjected, picking up Magnus’ plate.

“Non per te,” Maryse said, probably speaking in Italian to keep Max from embarrassment.

“But why?” Max asked. “I helped with dinner.”

“Dopo il capriccio che hai gettato, pensi di meritarlo?” Maryse asked.

“I helped with dinner,” Max repeated, pouting.

As he passed Magnus, Magnus whispered, only slightly quietly, mostly to cheer him up, “You can have some of mine.”

Alec slapped his arm playfully.

“What?” Magnus asked, smirking at Alec.

“He’s meant to be being punished,” Alec said, still smiling.

Magnus shrugged. “No one has to know.”

Alec smiled and looked back to the table, catching eyes with Jem who, as ever, was smiling. And, whilst Jem was smiling and already knew the truth and spared no judgement on either of them, Alec still felt shamed. Lessening his smile, he slowly brought his leg away from Magnus and tried to stop heat rising through him, seeping onto his cheeks.

A few moments passed, Max brought out dessert, and Maryse allowed him to have a small bowl of ice cream of his own, just because he did help with dinner and he did deserve it. Alec knew this was what being caught would feel like, perhaps even worse. They were being far too obvious, and Alec couldn’t allow that.

But, after another beat or so, he felt Magnus’ hand on his knee again, and it threw all those thoughts far away. Gently, but with some pressure to show him it was okay, Alec supposed, he brought Alec’s leg back over so it was touching his own again. It had not been an obvious movement, people wouldn’t likely notice it, and it had helped, Alec thought. Maybe they could be discreet, though it was a _big_ maybe. Alec knew he wasn’t very discreet, and maybe he shouldn’t have to be, but if he wanted to be, they could.

It was why he decided he wanted to see Magnus that night. After everyone went to bed, after the house grew quiet and the only sounds were the cicadas and the gentle music from the distant clubs, Alec decided he would sneak into Magnus’ room and do whatever it was they decided to do. It might just be sleeping together in the same bed, it might be something more, but, whatever it was, Alec wanted it.

Of course, he didn’t keep his hand on Alec’s knee, but their legs continued to touch until everyone got up. They stayed in the living room for a little while, drinking, playing poker. Max was allowed to stay with them, which he was happy about. It was when they all went out clubbing that he wasn’t so happy. But he sat next to Alec, watching them lose and win sweets, and it was a pleasant evening.

There were some nerves, more so than there had been when he had thought about spending the night with Michael, but that was because this was Magnus, and Magnus meant something different to Michael. Part of him thought he should let Magnus know he was intending to see him that night, but the moment never came. They were surrounded by people, and the option of telling him in front of everyone or the option of taking him away and letting him know in private weren’t ones he wanted to deal with; one was public, and the other would arouse suspicion.

It was likely Magnus already knew, anyway. He was the one who kept touching him. What else was Alec supposed to get from that other than Magnus wanting to see him tonight as well? Were there other logical options? Alec certainly didn’t think so.

Alec decided to go upstairs first, letting Magnus go to his room whenever he saw fit. If it was an hour away, so be it, if it was five minutes, even better. Alec would wait a lifetime for Magnus if that was what Magnus wanted.

Undressing until he was only in his underwear, he waited on the balcony; it was the best place to watch the world go by and hear when Magnus had come to his room. He was still filled with nerves, with the ideas of what might happen, with the thoughts of changing who he was. It was something he wanted, and he knew that, but it was a big change, something that would make him different. To walk around after it, after whatever was coming, Alec knew he would be different, but he was ready for that change.

And yet, a few hours later of him pacing the balcony, watching the world go by, watching the stars, sitting on the cool, metal chairs, Alec heard nothing from Magnus’ room. There hadn’t been any words from his saying goodnight, there hadn’t been any shuffling, there had been absolutely nothing. Alec wondered if he had just been silent.

He had heard others come to bed, heard them say goodnight, but there was nothing from Magnus. There was the chance he was just silent, maybe not wanting to disturb a possible sleeping Alec.

With that possibility in mind, he knocked lightly on the balcony door and pushed it open even though there was no word from inside. Once he entered the dark room, he did not see anyone sleeping in the bed or anyone in there at all. It was empty, just shadows of the night, pouring in because of Alec opening the door.

Confused and almost a little hurt, Alec shut the door and walked in. Whilst the room was all his now as there was not a single other occupant, he did not want to smell his shirts or sleep in his bed. There was an ache to his heart, and it was Magnus’ fault, though Alec knew he shouldn’t blame him. Magnus, whilst instilling this idea in Alec’s head, had not outright said anything about coming to see him. It was Alec’s fault, in the end, to get his hopes up and to have them dashed.

Not wanting to remain in a room he had no right to be in, Alec went through the bathroom and collapsed into his own bed. Sure, he could sleep in Magnus’, smell his shirts and be comforted by the idea of Magnus and his aroma, but it felt wrong. And, whilst he would have had a much better sleep like that, he had no right to it, and Alec thought he should be much clearer about his intentions next time.


	18. A Boy Consumed

The ocean’s quiet crashing was the only thing keeping Magnus awake. He knew Alec was going to go to his room, he knew what Alec might want, and Magnus knew he could not give it to him, not right now. Whilst he wanted it as well, and whilst he was desperate to give himself over to his cravings, this was something they had to be sure about, it couldn’t be done on any sort of whim.

There were many parts of him that were sure he wanted it, and, in fact, there were many parts of him that were sure Alec wanted it as well, but it was the parts that were unsure, the parts that were querying it, that made him stop. He had been encouraging before, but there was a time and place to be encouraging, and Magnus didn’t believe it would arrive with Alec in his room, wanting things Magnus wasn’t sure he _really_ wanted.

Magnus _really_ wanted them, he really wanted whatever Alec could give him, whatever Alec _wanted_ to give him, but it was Alec that was the problem. For one moment, Alec seemed ready to give him everything, he seemed prepared to fall for Magnus in an instant, to let his cravings pour out into the world. In the next moment, he seemed to hate him.

Sure, he was young and tumultuous and confused by his own desires, everyone was at one point or another, Magnus just wasn’t sure if he should be the one to give him his desires. If Alec regretted it, even for only a second, Magnus would never recover from it, and maybe Alec wouldn’t either. Magnus had been through the stage Alec was going through now, and he had had people around him to help, to get him to where he needed to be, to where he was now. If Magnus was given that responsibility, to be the person to get Alec through all of this, he was sure he would do it wrong.

If Magnus did not control himself like Alec needed him to, he could ruin Alec forever. With that on his conscience, Magnus would never be rid of the guilt. And maybe the chances of doing it wrong were small, and maybe they would have something great. But there was still that chance, and that was what was stopping him completely.

Not knowing what to do, not knowing which direction he should go in, Magnus didn’t know whether he should leave Alec alone, or spend time with him. The former could ruin Alec in a completely different way, and the latter might encourage something neither was prepared for. And Magnus wasn’t even sure what it would encourage, and if anything to be encouraged from spending time together could be negative.

Waiting around, however, was exactly what Michael did, and Michael had said things Magnus did not want to happen to the two of them. If they had time together, they should utilise it. It was just the uncertainty that was ruining it.

The next day, after going to bed just before the sun began to rise, Magnus had to go into town anyway. If he had seen Alec that morning, he would have invited him along, but he didn’t see Alec, and so he went alone. It was only a few things he needed. He had promised to buy his friends some gifts whilst he was away, and whilst they still had a few weeks to go before they all went back, Magnus wanted to browse what the town had to offer.

It was a little way into town, and Magnus took his bike, riding leisurely through the streets as it got progressively hotter as the day grew on. There were a few people about, but it was still early. It wouldn’t get much busier, anyway. It was a small town, intimate, almost everyone knew everyone. Most of them knew Magnus or of Magnus at this point anyway, which was oddly nice. Very different to the anonymity of Brooklyn.

He was in a store that made handmade items, though most of the little shops here did, looking at candles and toys and little trinkets. All would be wonderful gifts or keepsakes, and Magnus knew he could spend hours and hours in here, looking and admiring the place.

It was so beautiful here, and everything was unique and special. Magnus could look around the entire place for hours and still not see everything on offer to see. There were trinkets and sweets and dolls and models. They were so intricate and made with such love, Magnus knew he might find something in here he could get his friends back home, but choosing which he loved most might be the most difficult.

The door opened, though Magnus didn’t look up to see who it was. He was otherwise invested in some homemade, glass bowls. They were intricate, and beautiful, and they had been made from hand, so they would be great gifts. Anything worked, really, because the gifts had been chosen with these people in mind, and it was, Magnus believed, the thought that counted over everything else. There was a matching set of glass bowls and drinking glasses, and Magnus wondered if he should buy them for himself or if the memories he had made in Italy would be enough.

“Magnus?” a voice asked, and Magnus looked up. It was Alec. Of course, it was Alec, a gift from Raziel himself.

“Hey,” Magnus greeted, smiling at him, Alec’s mouth a little agape.

“What are you doing?” Alec asked.

“Browsing?” Magnus said. “I was going to ask you if you wanted to come but…”

“I’m already out,” Alec said.

“I can see that.”

Alec paused, chewing his lip as he thought. Magnus just waited, for patience with Alec was sometimes the most important thing, otherwise he would be discouraged, and Magnus did not want to discourage Alec.

“Where were you last night?”

Magnus smiled, Alec’s face not reading anything like humour. “I was at the beach.”

Nodding, Alec still seemed unsatisfied with the answer.

“Next time, I will invite you,” Magnus said, and Alec perked up at that idea. He smiled his beautiful smile, and Magnus’ concerns were beginning to seep away.

“Okay,” Alec said, and Magnus thought he might have Alec’s favour today, even though he had rather abandoned him last night. “What are you doing now, then?”

“Nothing,” Magnus said. He would abandon anything he was doing for some time with Alec.

“Do you want to go swimming? I mean, I know we do that every day, but there’s not much else to do here.”

“Sure, if you’d like.”

“There are other places than the ocean and that spot on the river, if you want to go somewhere different.”

“Your pool?”

Alec laughed. “Well, sure. But there’s other places too.”

“Let’s go to one of those then.”

Alec seemed excited at the prospect. Magnus asked if he had anything else to attend to, but Alec said he could do it later, and then they got on their respective bikes, and Magnus followed Alec to these newfound spots.

With Alec leading, Magnus was quite comfortable. It was his choice where they went, his choice where they stayed, his choice what they did together. Whilst Magnus liked to take the lead, giving it over to Alec was actually rather pleasant. It was in Alec’s hands and, even though Magnus knew what was likely coming and what Alec would like to do, it still made Magnus feel more relaxed. If Alec was in control, Magnus could relax, let him do what he needed and wanted to do. He was pretty sure his own feelings were clear, it was in Alec’s hands now, and Magnus was content with that decision.

The bike ride was warm but pleasant. Following Alec, they went through countryside roads, practically deserted. They rarely saw anyone, it was their own world and no one else existed. This place was theirs, no one else’s.

They ended up at a spot on the river Magnus hadn’t seen before, but he had only ever been to one other spot, so that wasn’t surprising. There was no one else here, just the two of them in their little world again. It was oddly intimate, the trees around them encasing them in their own company. No one else was required right now, or ever, Magnus thought. Alec’s company would always be enough.

Resting their bikes on a tree, they walked for a bit, not going into the water. Magnus wasn’t even sure if he wanted to go swimming today. He would be fine to watch Alec swim, as he always watched Alec swim. He was an entrancing presence, and he was drawn to him.

“My dad’s taking the boat out to this little island tomorrow. Every guest usually comes along,” Alec began, walking alongside Magnus some more, further amongst the trees around them. “So, you are invited.”

“I didn’t know you had a boat,” Magnus said.

“Oh, it’s not ours,” Alec began. “It’s one of our neighbours. They go to Sweden, I think, in the summer, so they let us use it.”

“Where is the little island?”

“About ten minutes out,” Alec said. “We’ll spend the morning and most of the afternoon there. You know, if you want to come. Dad usually does some fishing for dinner. If you wanted to come, you might fish, or, I don’t know, do something.”

“Of course I am going to go,” Magnus said, smiling at Alec trying to casually explain how much he wanted to be around Magnus. It was sweet, and Magnus understood what he wanted, even if he was trying to be discreet.

“Great,” Alec said, throwing him a smile. “Great.”

They walked for a little while longer, stopping at a bank that had weeping willows dripping into the water. They were surrounded by leaves, encompassing them from the rest of the world. If they felt alone before, Magnus definitely felt it now, and it was not a terrible feeling.

Magnus wondered if Alec had brought him for a specific reason, but Magnus wasn’t sure if Alec thought ahead about things like that. He wasn’t a calculating person, and Magnus honestly didn’t believe Alec would have thought about this too much. It was likely something he had just thought about doing, and then done. And Magnus enjoyed that about him; he enjoyed the idea Alec just wanted things in their most basic sense, and then tried to get them in their most basic sense. It was refreshing, and Magnus was glad he had chosen to come here for his summer.

They looked out amongst the river for a moment, serenity encompassing them, their own little bubble, theirs and only theirs. Magnus could hear the sounds of nature around them and Alec’s breathing beside him, and it was all Magnus wanted.

When Alec turned towards him, he looked, very obviously at Magnus’ lips before he looked up to his eyes. It made Magnus swallow and Alec smirked slightly, the corners of his mouth twitching, for he knew Magnus like he knew Italy, and that was to say he knew them both well enough to know their secret spots. And Magnus enjoyed Alec knowing him because, even though it made him vulnerable, he did not mind being vulnerable in front of Alec.

Alec stepped forward, into Magnus’ space. He could feel the heat of his body and see the deep flecks of blue in the perfect waters of his eyes. His dark eyelashes were so contrasting to his pale skin, and Magnus swallowed again, though Alec was looking at his eyes, and he did not see that this time.

He looked down at his hands then, as he reached one up and gripped at Magnus’ shirt, maybe to steady himself or just to touch Magnus, he wasn’t sure. Neither of them spoke, they were silent in this little world of theirs.

When he eventually looked back up to Magnus after having watched his fingers fist into Magnus’ shirt, his pupils were enormous. It was such a gorgeous thing, to see Alec’s pure eyes consumed by black, infatuated with the sight before him. His lips were parted and he was breathing heavy, and Magnus could watch him like that forever.

Magnus let him lead it, for it had not happened the time Magnus had tried to initiate it yesterday. Even though Alec was a novice at this, Magnus believed in him, in his ability to lead this kiss. Magnus was used to having the control, but he wanted Alec to have it, to let him control it as he so wished.

He leaned in, and Magnus let him. He would meet his plump lips when Alec met his. He did not want to discourage Alec, and he did not want to scare him off. No matter how desperate he was to taste him and touch his lips and to know how he kissed, he kept his hands laced neatly behind his back and let Alec control the moment, because he needed to know just how much Alec wanted it.

When he closed his eyes, close enough Magnus could feel his breath on his skin, Magnus admired him for a second. He was so beautiful and serene, in his own world, and hopeful of kissing Magnus. His long lashes were flat against his cheeks, and he was a vision of beauty, waiting to be kissed.

Just before Magnus closed his own eyes and made the little distance between them, there was a giggle of laughter from somewhere, and they broke apart hurriedly, wondering if they were being watched.

They weren’t, but, a mere few seconds later, a couple broke through the hanging branches of the tree, holding each other and kissing, breaking Alec and Magnus’ world apart. Alec fumed at the two, who still hadn’t spotted them, bodies entangled, and mouths connected. Magnus was not angry at them, but he could feel some frustration.

When they finally broke apart, they saw Magnus and Alec, no longer standing together, smiling at them.

“Scusa,” one of them said, still giggling.

“Va bene,” Alec replied, his jaw set. “Andremo.”

Magnus just waited, unsure of their Italian, and Alec nudged Magnus and stalked off, Magnus smiling at the couple as he passed them. Alec walked them straight back to their bikes and cycled off, knowing Magnus was following him and not waiting for him. Magnus could understand his anger and frustration, and he didn’t push him. Working up the confidence to do that, and then having it dashed was an unpleasant feeling, and he would let him have his silence until he was okay again.

During the cycle back, Magnus’ mind was filled with missed opportunities and hurt on Alec’s part. They had almost kissed twice and been dashed both times. It hurt for Magnus, but he could only imagine how much it was hurting for Alec, who seemed so set on everything. He hoped he could recover quickly.

When they reached the villa, it seemed somewhat empty, and they went passed the pool just to check. Magnus had thought they would go straight upstairs, but Alec jumped off his bike beside the pool and pulled his shirt off.

Alec jumped straight into the pool after his shoes were kicked off as well, and Magnus followed suit. Alec was watching him as he waded in the water, and Magnus felt comfortable underneath his intense gaze. Stripping underneath his eyes was no difficult feat, and Magnus enjoyed Alec drinking in his brown skin, even if he had seen it so many times before.

Magnus climbed in afterwards, the hot afternoon sun burning his skin, and the cool water instantly cooling him. They waited for a minute, figuring each other out, before Alec shrugged and started swimming lengths.

Magnus followed his pace, going back and forth in the pool, not talking, just swimming. It was what Alec needed to get back to normal, to refocus himself. Magnus was okay to go on, but he wasn’t sure if Alec had felt this disappointed before. Magnus had known what it was like to want to kiss someone and then not be able to kiss them, and he presumed Alec had not suffered like that, he presumed Alec had not been through this pain as Magnus and so many others had. Whatever time he needed, Magnus would let him take it.

After maybe half an hour of swimming, Alec stopped, and Magnus did as well. He wasn’t exhausted, but he was breathing a little heavier, Alec seeming unfazed at the constant lengths they had swam. Alec might have merely worked off his steam, but Magnus needed a moment to recover.

Alec looked at him. “I don’t know where anybody is.”

“Me, neither,” Magnus said, shrugging, his breathing slowly calming.

“I think I’m going to go inside now.”

“May I come?” Magnus asked, wondering if Alec wanted to be alone or not. Alec just shrugged, which helped him none.

Alec got out of the pool, and Magnus followed, grabbing his shirt and pulling on his shoes so he could cycle back, pursuing Alec as they made their way to the villa.

Once inside, Magnus wondered what came next, what they were going to do. The house was empty, they were alone, anything might happen. It was the two of them and no one else was going to interrupt them, the world was theirs.

And yet, Alec was hesitating. Magnus rolled his eyes playfully and smiled. Holding out his hand, he said, “Come on.”

Alec looked at his hand, confused. Magnus merely gestured for him to take it, and then led him into his room. It wasn’t meant to mean anything, and it wasn’t to initiate anything, but it was enough, it was what Alec was yearning for, Magnus could tell. Magnus didn’t want their time together to be over, and he wanted to keep it alive in them for as long as possible.

When inside the room, they let go of each other hands, Magnus going over to sit on the bed as Alec looked around at Magnus’ room. Magnus remembered the last couple of times they had been together, in this room. He remembered finding Alec, smelling his clothes, he remembered being able to touch him, sleeping next to him. They had stuck with Magnus for a long time, and they would likely stick with him forever.

Alec looked through his open wardrobe, touching his shirts, and Magnus smiled. Kicking off his shoes, he thought about his wet shorts making his sheets wet, but he didn’t even consider changing. It would break Alec and Magnus apart, and he thought some damp sheets were worth spending solid time with Alec. Maybe that was foolish, Magnus honestly didn’t care.

Alec made his way around the room, looking at Magnus’ things, running his hand across his things on the desk, touching what he could. Magnus just watched him, the room silent apart from the ambience outside, and all Magnus could look at was Alec, and this perfect moment between them, existing together. Magnus had eyes for no one but Alec, and he hoped Alec knew that.

Slowly, Alec made his way over to Magnus, coming to stand directly in front of him, all pale skin, glistening from still being wet. Reaching out, taking somewhat of a risk, but being okay with that, Magnus set his hands on Alec’s hips. Alec seemed content, smiling down at him, pressing forward just a little further. He was close enough Magnus could smell his skin; sweat and summer. It was a wonderful smell, and Magnus pressed his face into Alec’s stomach, hugging him. As Magnus wrapped his arms around Alec’s hips, Alec started running his hands through Magnus’ hair, and it was a moment that made Magnus feel more complete than he even knew was possible.

They stayed like that for a few moments, Magnus breathing Alec in and holding his arms around him as Alec played with his hair and touched him wherever he could. It was a quiet, contemplative, existent state for them to be in, for them to be comfortable in. They breathed together and they existed together.

Unable to help himself, Magnus pressed his lips to Alec’s skin, kissing his stomach. It tasted as he smelled; of salt and chlorine and summer. If he tasted further, he would taste fruits and homemade sweets and ice cream, of Italy and their Italy and the villa. He would taste of everything Magnus was craving, and he kissed his stomach again and again, feeling sparks where Alec was touching his skin, where his fingers dipped lower than his hairline.

When Alec sighed, content, Magnus pushed himself back so they could look at each other again. Alec’s pupils were enormous, and he was breathing heavy, but Magnus knew this was as far as it would go today. They had done enough, they didn’t need to do anything more today to confirm what they were feeling. Surety might make things progress slowly, but it was a necessity for things like this.

Making another gesture, Magnus lay down in the bed, inviting Alec to lie with him. To _only_ lie with him. After a momentary hesitation, Alec climbed onto the bed as well, swiftly kicking off his shoes beforehand.

It was easy to lie down with him, their damp bodies content to touch. It was also an odd situation, but Magnus wasn’t complaining. With Alec lying half on him, his head resting on Magnus’ chest, one leg settled between both of Magnus’, he counted himself lucky. To be lying here, with a boy who was beautiful and unsure and quizzical, touching him, being able to hold him, it was not a situation he thought most got the chance to enact, not with Alec at least.

They didn’t speak much, Magnus just played with Alec’s hair and Alec lay there, maybe dozing off, maybe just content. The day continued to pass, becoming evening as the sun set, and they existed. It wasn’t the most exciting day for some, but it was just what they needed, just what _Alec_ needed, to be sure of his decisions, to be sure of Magnus. Magnus would give him anything to make him sure of this.

The sound of a car on gravel came from outside, everyone returning from wherever they had gone. He could feel Alec tense, probably from the realisation they would have to stop lying like this soon, but they both remained where they were. They still had a few minutes before they had to break apart.

Alec pushed himself up then, looking directly down at Magnus, lips parted, eyes curious. Magnus knew what he wanted, and he was willing to give it to him, if Alec wanted it. If he committed to it this time, Magnus would give it to him. His hair was framing his face, making him shadows and lines. He was beautiful, and Magnus wanted him in more ways than he could explain.

“You can, if you want to,” Magnus said, quietly.

A moment of hesitancy crossed Alec’s face, and he faltered. Magnus laughed through his nose and Alec collapsed back down, burying his face in Magnus’ chest.

“I’m sorry,” Alec mumbled, muffled because his face was pressed into Magnus’ body.

“That’s okay,” Magnus said, overly content with his situation. “It’s really nothing to worry about.”

Alec moaned in frustration, pushing himself off Magnus completely and sitting up. Magnus admired his body for a moment, enthralled, before he sat up as well, sitting directly next to Alec, their shoulders touching. He nudged him slightly, Alec smiling as he swayed.

“It’s fine,” Magnus said, meaning it completely.

Alec nodded.

They made their way downstairs afterwards, and Magnus realised how much happier he was made after spending time with Alec. The weeks were going by, and Magnus promised himself to invest as much of his time with Alec as possible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, a couple of things:
> 
> First, I am moving next weekend, so I will not be able to post a chapter, and so I thank you for your patience in advanced.
> 
> Now, earlier this week, it seems the EU has voted in favour of some copyright law that a lot of people are panicking about. If you don't know what it is, basically, they're saying that there's going to be some filter uploaded to the internet that is going to scan for anything that could breach copyright laws and then it's going to censor it, or that's my understanding at least.
> 
> A lot of times things like these happen, it's blown way out of proportion. People are saying it's going to be the death of memes, fanvideos, fanart, fanfiction, and that it's going to kill the internet. I don't honestly know how real it is, how much it's going to really affect people like us when it comes down to it, but I honestly don't believe it's going to be as bad as a lot of people are saying.
> 
> It didn't pass the first time it was voted for a few months ago, and it's passed now, but that still doesn't mean anything yet. I think it has to be voted for again, and there's still loads of negotiations to be held, and that's why I'm not panicking.
> 
> However, let's say all the horror stories are true and that, when it passes and is made law, things start to go awry. I am a member of the UK, so I don't even know if the EU laws are going to affect me once Brexit happens, but let's say it does; if, sometime next year, all of my content is gone and I've suddenly disappeared from AO3, it is not because I have chosen to do so, it is because of censorship.
> 
> I'm not saying this to cause panic, I'm just forewarning. Honestly, I think it'll come around and, say this does pass though there has been a lot of opposition, but say it does hypothetically, I don't think it's going to affect me or this website all that much, particularly because AO3 does so much to protect their artists. I am not panicking, and I don't think anybody should yet, I'm just saying this to let people know.
> 
> So, don't panic, if you're worried memes are about to die in the EU, I honestly wouldn't worry yet, and I will see you in two weeks with the next update.
> 
> Thank you x


	19. Completion

The morning of the boat trip, Alec was almost nervous. He wasn’t entirely sure why, not after everything he and Magnus had done the day before, but it still had something to do with being with Magnus. Maybe it was the thought they wouldn’t be alone, and they couldn’t act like they wanted to because they would be with other people. Maybe it was the expectation of what they were now, which Alec still wasn’t certain on. Maybe it was something else entirely. He wasn’t sure, he just knew his stomach was flipping, and it had nothing to do with being sea sick.

They packed some things for lunch, and then they left. There really wasn’t much else to it; they weren’t staying long. It was almost a rite of passage, Alec supposed, to go to the little island just a little way away, ones only the locals knew. Whenever they went, Alec never saw anyone else there. It was a quiet place, to be quiet in.

Not that most of their guests were quiet people. There were two people this year who certainly weren’t quiet, but they were respectful. When Robert took them there to show them just another little slice of their little Italy, they all respected that, and they enjoyed the serenity of the place. It was even quieter than the town they were all staying in.

When they got to the island, everyone hopped out, Robert talking about something or other, probably repeating the same monologue about it he did every year. After the first three or so, Alec had gotten used to blocking it out. Instead, he focused on what he always focused on; Magnus. He was wearing a blue t-shirt and some swimming trunks. Even though it was simple, he looked as stunning as ever, and Alec was drawn to him.

He sat next to him when they sat on the beach, not wanting to be obvious, but also wanting every single second of his time he could get. The island was small, their time alone would be limited unless they escaped off together. Not that Alec particularly wanted alone time for he didn’t know what they might do. He knew what he wanted to do, but his confidence had always faltered or he had found Magnus far too intimidating, and it never led anywhere because of that. Maybe that was a good thing, maybe it was painful. Most likely, it was both, because it sure did hurt, but it also allowed him to be confident in his decision, in his feelings.

There was talk of a swim, one Alec didn’t want right now because swimming involved all of them, and he just wanted Magnus. It was selfish and cruel of him to want Magnus all to himself, but it was what he wanted, and there was no point in denying it.

The first hour or so went by slowly. They sunbathed, they talked, they dipped their feet into ocean. It was slow and painful, and he ached to be alone with him, to do something more than this. It wasn’t necessarily that they hadn’t been doing this the entire time, it was just that they had things to talk about, things to do together, and they weren’t doing them. It could be different now, and it wasn’t, and it was starting to irritate him.

Irritated even further when Magnus was invited fishing with the others, Alec stood and decided he should go for a walk. He knew it was probably rude, but he needed to calm himself before he exploded. He was growing impatient and it wasn’t fair, but it was how he was feeling and he didn’t care to question it or try to stop it from happening.

A little way into the trees, he was aware of someone following him. If it was his family, he would tell them he just wanted to go for a walk, if it was one of the guests, he would pleasantly invite them along and hope they said no.

It was none of them, and Alec was glad who it was.

“Where are you going?” Magnus asked, slightly panting because he had to hurriedly follow Alec after he had disappeared.

“For a walk,” Alec said. “Would you like to come along?”

“We were just going to fish,” Magnus said.

Alec, disappointed and wondering if they would ever get to behave consistently for more than a day, sighed. “Okay. Have fun. I’ll see you later.”

He went to walk further, but Magnus grabbed his wrist. “Are you mad with me?”

Alec shrugged, turning back to Magnus. “No.”

“Alec,” Magnus said.

“What?”

“Why are you being like this? I thought we were…”

Alec paused.

Magnus also paused.

“What?” Alec asked, growing impatient. If Magnus was also being like this, then maybe yesterday meant nothing. Alec almost wanted to give up.

He was likely just being dramatic. It was only fishing after all, but Alec wanted him all to himself, and if Magnus was willing to be shared, Alec was disappointed by that fact. He felt juvenile for it, but he supposed that was how this whole situation was affecting him.

Taken aback and letting go of his wrist, Magnus said, “I’ll come for a walk, then.”

With that ray of hope, Alec nodded, and carried on further. He needed to calm himself, he supposed. It was all the emotions running high in him that affected him so ridiculously. He supposed it came down to fear as well; the fear of knowing how much Magnus was affecting him, it was daunting and frightening. Magnus was wonderful, but Alec had never expected one person to be so distracting, so consuming. It wasn’t unpleasant, it was just a jarring change and Alec wasn’t sure how to deal with it.

They walked further into the trees, not talking. Alec feared he had ruined the atmosphere, and he was trying to calm his shot nerves before they continued. It could still be a nice day; Magnus had chosen him over fishing. His tumultuous emotions would ruin it all if he was not careful, he just needed to reign it in.

The stopped atop a small hill, a clearing amongst the trees. They were apart, a distance between them Alec thought he had created, and he hated himself for it. He hated his tumultuous feelings, he hated his selfish thoughts, he hated how he didn’t know how to act around Magnus. He knew he was being ridiculous, and yet he couldn’t control it for there was no way to control it.

“Sometimes, I think you hate me,” Magnus said, looking up at the sky as Alec looked at him, confused.

“Hate you?” Alec asked, almost feeling sick at the thought.

Magnus nodded, once, turning back to look Alec in the eye.

Sure, Alec had known he was confusing to deal with, because his own thoughts were confusing, but he had never wanted that to be the case, and he had never thought it would be that awful for Magnus. To think Magnus thought Alec might hate him made him feel sick, because he could not hate Magnus. If he had even wanted to hate Magnus, he could not, because he adored him.

“Magnus, I worship the ground you walk on,” Alec said, walking towards Magnus, unsure of how he should phrase exactly how he felt. Magnus waited where he was, Alec coming up to him, pausing for only a moment, before he brought his hands up, running them along Magnus’ chest before holding onto his shirt, to ground himself more than anything else. “You could leave here right now and I would be content just knowing you existed in the world.”

They were watching each other, focused on naught else but the other’s eyes and lips. It had been the biggest outpouring of adoration Alec had ever done in his life, and he felt vulnerable now. Despite everything that had gone on between them, Alec feared being rejected. He would never admit to anything in his life ever again if he was rejected now.

“Really?” Magnus asked, breathless.

Alec could only manage a nod.

“But why were you being so difficult before?” Magnus asked, confused, swallowing thickly.

“I don’t know,” Alec answered. “I’m just… Everything has been… Everything’s been so much to deal with.”

“Me?”

“Not in a bad way,” Alec said. “It’s just, I’ve never… Liking someone… It’s all very new.”

“Right,” Magnus said, swallowing, Alec unable to look at anything else. “So…”

“So,” Alec repeated, not sure what came next.

As Magnus slowly started to touch Alec, letting his hands come to Alec’s hips just to hold him, reciprocating the motion, Alec watched only Magnus’ lips. He knew what he wanted, and he knew how obvious it was that he wanted that, but Magnus had to want it too. It couldn’t be a one-sided act, it couldn’t come to reality without the both of them enacting it. The difficulty with life was being sure of what someone else wanted when human nature was to not ask anyone anything directly.

But Magnus was watching Alec’s lips too, and Alec thought that might be enough of a sign. It was only a sign, and Alec would certainly prefer to go off something more concrete, but that wasn’t how things typically worked. He would have to go off signs and only signs, and hope for the best.

Licking his lips and then swallowing, not to be more obvious than he already was, but because that was what came naturally to him, he started to lean in. There wasn’t much distance between them, but it felt great at that moment. He felt it would be an eternity before he reached Magnus, before their lips could touch, but at least he would have time to prepare, he supposed.

Closing his eyes, he prepared himself for how Magnus might taste, for what he would become after kissing someone for the first time, for who he would be after kissing _Magnus_ for the first time. It had been something he had wanted more than anything else, and he knew it would have great impact. Preparing himself for that was impossible.

The thought of kissing him was to combine everything he wanted, it was an accumulation of all his desires. There was nothing more enticing and enthralling than the idea of touching lips with Magnus, of knowing how he tasted and what his lips felt like. This was dreams and desires, this was weeks of craving, and to know what the reality might be was consuming him, eating him from the inside.

When their lips touched, Alec could have gone to heaven right there. Something altered in him the second they were connected, something shifting and fitting exactly where it always should have. It was a completion, something happening that made everything perfect, that made Alec understand everything and nothing at once.

His lips were soft, Magnus pressing them gently to Alec’s, slowly easing Alec into this other realm of understanding the world he was in, of understand his own self, his own desires, his own wants. Alec could have very easily rushed it, gone into it far too quickly, let the moment pass before it had even begun. But Magnus was his guide, his other in the situation, and it meant he could relax, be in Magnus’ hands, kiss him and be kissed by him, and be content with the knowledge that it was _Magnus_ he was kissing, and that Magnus was perfectly in control, as much as Alec wanted him to be.

Alec felt himself relax into Magnus’ body, pressing closer into him, feeling their chests press together. His arms enfolded around Magnus’ neck, Magnus wrapping his own completely around Alec, pulling them together as they kissed deeper.

Everything he tasted of made Alec want more and more, more than was possible. There was the taste of salt just about covering up the hint of mango they had had at breakfast that was still on his lips. But there was more to it than that, more to that base taste; there was summer on his lips, a heat underlying everything. There was late nights, spent dancing and drinking, there was smoking when they shouldn’t be smoking, there was the evenings spent on the balcony. He tasted of everything Alec adored, and he tasted confident and exciting, and of a life Alec yearned to lead, to be a part of.

Magnus kissed him like there was no one else to even consider, like all he wanted in the world was Alec. Nothing in the world could compare, and Magnus held him as if he were fearful Alec might disappear if he didn’t hold on properly. And Alec enjoyed the idea of being wanted. To feel desired and craved, there was nothing else quite like it, and he lavished every second they were touching.

When it ended, Alec only ever wanted more. But the kiss itself had made his knees weak, and if they did not stop, Alec would have collapsed. Magnus might have been holding him, but they would tumble to the ground, and Alec was trying to think of why that might be a bad thing, but Magnus broke their lips apart, and that was probably for the best.

The bashful smile that grew on Alec’s lips was uncontainable, and he tried to bury his face, but Magnus kissed his cheek to stop him. Magnus’ eyes glistened, and Alec could not stop smiling.

Magnus brought a hand up, placing it on Alec’s cheek, sighing contently. Unable to stop himself, Alec kissed his palm, sighing contently in return.

“You okay?” Magnus asked.

Alec nodded. “Yes, I’m, I’m, I’m wonderful.”

“You’re wonderful?” Magnus asked.

Beaming, Alec said. “I feel great.”

“So, you want to… Do you want to continue?”

Confused and almost panicked for a moment, Alec asked, “What do you mean?”

“Just kissing,” Magnus affirmed, tense for a second, worried about what he had conveyed. “Just kissing.”

“Oh,” Alec said, smiling again. “Yes, let’s continue, please.”

They kissed again, and again, and again. There was nothing in the world that felt the same as kissing Magnus Bane. The other things in life Alec had found joy in; playing the piano, drawing, walking in the shade on a boiling day, they had fulfilled Alec, but only for a moment. If he was never kissed again, these kisses, they would fulfil him for life. They filled him completely, perfected him, made him whole, and even the memory of kissing him would make him feel full again.

Somehow, they had ended up with Alec pressed against a tree, Magnus running a hand through Alec’s hair, mussing it. Alec was loving every single second, in a state of heaven he could barely comprehend. His lips were starting to numb from how much they were touching Magnus’, but it was a perfect feeling, and it came from the most wonderful thing in the world.

Every part of his body that was touching Magnus’, which was most of it, was burning and hungry and ravenous. He had never felt anything like it before, a kind of consuming desire that controlled him. It was in every part of his being, filling his bones, making his body ache.

Each time they stopped, Alec went back for more. He couldn’t have enough, and to feel Magnus smiling against him was something he could barely even explain. Alec decided he was making up for the time they could have been doing this. When they had been batting back and forth, growing hesitant, being hesitant, they could have been touching, and kissing, and holding each other. Alec would make up for all that time they could have been doing that now, against the tree, Magnus the only thing he could even think to care about.

But it did have to end eventually, because all things did eventually. They were smiling, and they were still touching, and the world was etched in perfection.

“We should probably go back,” Magnus said.

Alec, bringing his hands up to touch Magnus’ chest, said, “But I don’t want to.”

Magnus laughed through his nose, kissing Alec on the lips gently for just a moment. “We can do this elsewhere. I wouldn’t want to disappear completely and have people worry.”

“Mm, I don’t care,” Alec said, pressing forward and bringing their lips together again, adoring the feeling of Magnus smiling into him, beaming.

When they broke apart again, Magnus kissed his cheek before he said, “We can resume this later.”

Alec tried not to pout, but could not help it, Magnus laughing at him. He took one of Alec’s hands, kissed the back of it, and then dropped it again. Alec decided to be content with that, enjoying the idea of resuming things later.

They returned to the rest of the world, which was everyone else down at the shore, fishing, or swimming, or sunbathing.

Alec was thoroughly distracted for the rest of the day. When he was fishing, only ever catching things to throw them back, he only caught one fish because Magnus was beside him, struggling to work the line. It had made Alec laugh, and he had tried to help, but every time their skin brushed, Alec was thrown into the memory of being kissed by him and of being pressed into the tree by him.

When they were on the boat back and Will was trying to bring him into the conversation, he could not focus, because Magnus was talking to Robert, and his dulcet tones were distracting. He attempted to stay engaged, but Magnus’ voice made him think about his lips, and then thinking about his lips made him think about kissing him.

They got back and gave the fish over to Bridget to make dinner with, Alec and Magnus having caught none of the haul, and then lounged by their pool, but, again, Alec could concentrate on none of it. Magnus’ body was right there, lounging beside the pool, one hand lying lazily in the water, the rest of his body outstretched on the concrete underneath the cooling sun. How was Alec meant to concentrate on anything else when Magnus was there, and he was gorgeous and his body glistened and his lips were right there? They could be kissed by anyone, right now, at any second. Alec could swim over from the opposite side of the pool he was in and kiss him. It would be easy. How could he concentrate with thoughts like that?

At dinner, Alec could concentrate even less. He managed to eat, somehow, but he had been sat opposite Magnus, and trying to focus when his lips were there, eating, it was an impossible feat. When Magnus smiled, his plump lips were beautiful and enchanting. When he spoke, his lips formed the syllables perfectly, and they were beautiful and enthralling. When he ate and his lips enveloped the food in front of him, they were beautiful and desirous.

Alec could focus on naught by Magnus’ lips, remembering how they had tasted and how they had felt. He wondered what he might taste like now, after having eaten. Maybe they would taste like fish or lemon or the fresh peach juice he had swallowed down his glorious throat, a beautiful movement Alec watched as his throat worked. Would his lips be wet from eating? Would there be salt? Alec would have given anything to lean over the table and press their lips together, just to know what he tasted like at every point during the day.

That evening, when they had lounged about with the television on, though their conversations played over the noise, Alec had sat across from Magnus, a few metres between them. Magnus was in conversation with Jem and Tessa, and Alec had been pretending to read, but, really, he was watching Magnus form words with his perfect lips.

There was nothing in the world that was going to stop Alec thinking about Magnus’ lips. No distraction would be enough to keep Alec from going there, his lips warmed by the thought of being pressed against Magnus’ again. Maybe, tonight, Alec would go into Magnus’ room and kiss him again. He wondered what it might be like to kiss him whilst on top of him, his body underneath Alec’s. He wondered what it might feel like if Magnus was on top, kissing down onto Alec. He wondered many things about kissing Magnus, and he wanted to enact everything he thought.

When it got late, Alec made his way up to bed, not looking back at Magnus, but hoping Magnus knew what he was thinking. He probably was. They were on the same wavelength, and their souls knew each other. But looking would make it obvious and, given how obvious he was anyway, he didn’t want to give anything else away.

There had been no noise in Magnus’ room for hours. Alec did not think Magnus would avoid him again like he had before, not after they had kissed. With the hope he just hadn’t heard him come into his room and settle for bed, Alec knocked on his door after passing through the bathroom and waited.

There was no affirmation or noise from the other side, so Alec opened it quietly, not wanting to wake the rest of the house. The doors were noisy in this old villa, and Alec would not risk alerting anyone else to what he was doing.

But, as before, Magnus was not in his room. There was no sleeping body in the bed, no observing form at the balcony, no pensive person at the desk. It was empty, the room dark and devoid of life. Alec hoped Magnus might appear out of the shadows at any moment, from some hidden crevice Alec had not seen before, but he knew it was a ridiculous, clinging thought, and he forgot about it as soon as it had been conjured in his mind.

He waited, standing in the doorway for maybe an hour, he wasn’t sure. He had hoped Magnus had just popped out, gone for a late-night walk. But as the night grew older, Magnus did not return.

Alec could not understand but had nobody to ask. The world was asleep, and Magnus was missing. He didn’t think Magnus was doing it to hurt him, but Alec could not make sense out of it. They had kissed, and they only had so many days to make up for their lack of intimacy.

But Magnus was not there, and Alec sighed, making his way back to his own bed. There were a couple of tears that rolled down his cheeks at his frustration and confusion, and then he slept, his dreams as tumultuous as his feelings.


	20. The Time to Rectify

Magnus eventually went to bed after the sun had risen. He had been sat at the beach again, wondering when the right time might be. It was obvious what Alec wanted, and Magnus wanted it as well, but there had to be a right time. They might already be there, but his own apprehension had to be signal enough that it wasn’t the right time, that they still had things to do before the time was correct.

He knew Alec might have been waiting for him, that he might think everything that had happened between them was a sign. In a way, it was, but Magnus didn’t think it was enough. He liked Alec, of course he did, but he didn’t think Alec was ready for this. Or maybe he was, and Magnus was just being too protective. Magnus wasn’t sure he should have this role, and he knew he liked kissing him and he wanted to stay where they were, at this kissing stage. It was so beautiful now, he did not want it to be ruined by haste.

His dreams were as tumultuous as Alec himself. He dreamt of kissing him and then of having too much distance from him. He dreamt of Alec being close enough to study every line and hair on his face, and then of being so far away from him, he could not even see if it was Alec he was looking at for he was all shadows and he had no distinct features. It made his heart full for one moment and then it made him ache the next.

The next morning, Magnus awoke to a shadow peering into his room from the balcony. It had made Magnus’ heart pound in concern and also adoration. He wondered if he was as frustrating to Alec when he disappeared as Alec had been when he had done the same.

Magnus sat up, rubbing his eyes, waiting. Alec did not move, he waited also.

He gestured for Alec to come in, and Alec hesitated for only a moment and, unable to resist Magnus and wanting his company, he came and joined Magnus on the bed. He sat at the foot, and waited, again.

“Good morning,” Magnus greeted in the silence.

Alec nodded his reply.

“Did you sleep well?” Magnus asked.

“Not really.”

“Why not?” Magnus asked, though he felt he knew the answer already. He wanted to hear Alec say it, hear Alec say what he wanted for it was so much easier than all the guessing they had to do.

Alec paused. “Do you go and see Camille at night?”

Magnus, not expecting that, was stunned silent for a moment. It was not what he had thought Alec would believe. He had told him he went to the beach, there was no mention of Camille. Magnus hadn’t even thought about Camille, she hadn’t even entered his mind, and he could not understand why Alec would think that to be the case. He asked, after his silence, “Do you think I do?”

“Well, you said you go to the beach, but… Every night?”

“Not every night.”

“Just when you want to avoid me.” It was not a question, and Magnus sighed.

Magnus came over to Alec’s side, climbing over the bed until the were side by side. Alec stayed where he was, watching Magnus as he moved.

“I don’t ever want to avoid you,” Magnus said.

“I don’t know if I believe that.”

“You should,” Magnus said. “I don’t want to avoid you. I enjoy your company. I just know what you want.”

“And you don’t want that?”

Magnus hesitated. He did want that, and he did want Alec, but there was so much to that decision, so much more than just their basic desires. It might change them, and he wanted Alec to be certain before they did anything just because of that.

“I do,” Magnus said, slowly, emphasising every word he said. “I just want you to be sure. That’s all. It’s got nothing to do with Camille. I haven’t seen her in a long while, actually. I haven’t even thought about her.”

“I am sure.”

Magnus nodded. He wasn’t entirely convinced because Alec was tumultuous and could decide he was not so sure tomorrow. But it was something, a start.

“I should go and see Camille today,” Magnus said, and he laughed at the horrified face Alec made. “It’s only fair. She thinks something is happening between us, and it isn’t.”

Alec nodded, but still seemed defeated.

Magnus laughed again and kissed his cheek. “I won’t be long.”

“Okay.”

“And I will be yours when I get back,” Magnus said, and Alec perked up, Magnus unable to not laugh at him.

“Promise?”

“Promise.” Magnus kissed him once on the lips, Alec humming into him.

He had to push Alec out of the room so he could get dressed to see Camille, and Alec seemed disappointed at that. When he left, he said he wouldn’t be long, and took his bike to ride over to Camille’s. He hoped she was there when he arrived. He did not want to drag this on any longer than it needed to be.

It wasn’t as hot as usual, the breeze cool against his skin. She didn’t live that far away, so Magnus wasn’t riding for long, but his mind was occupied on Alec and what he was going to say to Camille. He wasn’t sure how she would react, and he hoped she took the news well. It had only been a small, summer fling, after all. It had barely even begun, he hoped she had not been too set on it.

At her villa, which seemed more extravagant and newer than the Lightwoods’, Magnus rested his bike against a tree outside, and knocked on the door. The wood on this door was new, freshly painted, and it had none of the novelty of the other villa. It was more extravagant, Magnus felt, not as loved or as used. It was more about looks, about the exterior of the building. At the Lightwoods’, it was about how it felt, it was about how you felt there, how welcomed you were. You could feel its age and its presence and how many people had been welcomed there before you. This place was new, and it had no feel yet.

Eventually, the door was opened, a bored girl with dyed pink hair standing before him. She was chewing gum, wearing a dark bikini, skin still wet. She just waited, chewing her gum with an uninterested attitude.

“Is Camille here?”

She nodded.

“May I see her?” Magnus asked.

She shrugged and stepped back, walking away from the door. Since she left it open, Magnus stepped inside, but waited there instead of following her through. He wasn’t sure if she meant it as allowing him in or if she couldn’t even be bothered to shut the door.

He was stood inside a hallway, everything seeming fresh and new. It seemed more expensive in here as well. The carpets weren’t frayed, the paint wasn’t chipped, the staircase to the side of him was grand, not slightly broken. There would be no creaks in this building, and the doors probably worked wonderfully well, and the floorboards might be less warped, but it wasn’t homely. This might have been lived in, but it wasn’t a home yet, and it might not be for a long while.

Lily, who Magnus then remembered meeting once before when he had been out with Camille one night, came back and gestured for Magnus to follow, and he did, looking at the fresh paint and polished furniture as he walked through the villa. When they passed through the open doors to the garden, Magnus realised just how much bigger Camille’s pool was. There were chairs around the pool, and lots more people in it, mainly young women wearing very little.

He spotted Camille instantly, for she was walking towards him, wearing the smallest of bikinis, body dripping wet. She smiled at Magnus, who gave her a half-smile in return.

“Bonjour,” she greeted, leaning up and kissing Magnus on the lips. Magnus tried not to kiss her back too much and was glad when she stepped back after a short moment of connection. “You have taken forever to visit me.”

“Sorry,” Magnus said, following her over to her seat. “Could we talk in private, maybe?”

“It’s not so bad out here, is it?” Camille asked, smiling. She stretched her long limbs out on her seat, her sunglasses blocking her green eyes from the world, her large hat almost comical if Magnus was not in the situation he was in.

“I think private might be better,” Magnus said, trying to make her understand with his tone.

After a pause, she seemed to twig, and she tutted. “Oh, Magnus.” She said it affectionately, and it was relieving.

Magnus knelt down beside her as the seats were too far away, and he didn’t want the others listening in. “I’m sorry.”

“You should have told me sooner,” Camille said, which was a fair accusation.

“I know. I’m sorry. I hope you can forgive me. I wasn’t planning to have anything this summer, and I should have said something, and I’m sorry.”

“I forgive you,” Camille said. “But, I have wasted much time.”

“I know.” Magnus shrugged. “I’m sorry.”

Camille nodded.

“I had a lovely time, though.” Magnus meant it, even if his heart was set on another.

“Me, too,” Camille said. She stood alongside Magnus and kissed his cheek. “Enjoy the rest of your summer.”

“And you.”

He hugged her at the door, apologising again though Camille told him he sounded pathetic, and Magnus had laughed. She had taken it well, better than Magnus could have hoped for, and he left the villa glad he had her well wishes.

The ride back to the villa was surreal, and Magnus didn’t feel the weight lifted like the thought he might. However, that was most likely because he hadn’t felt much pressure with her in the first place. Sure, he had spent a lot of time with her and they had kissed, but there had been no weight to it. And, so, when she was gone from his life, there had been no weight to lift.

Inside, Magnus found the others on their way to go out. It was likely to go swimming. They did that a lot. In fact, they had done it almost every single day since they had gotten here, and Magnus adored it.

He looked out for Alec, but Alec wasn’t there.

“He’s coming down in a minute,” Jem said, somehow always knowing. It didn’t bother Magnus, because someone else knowing made it easier, Magnus thought. Having someone to talk to just made it feel more relaxed for some reason, the secret was easy to bear. “He’s just changing his shorts.”

“Where are we going?” Magnus asked, leaning on the wall and watching as they pulled shoes on.

“Take a guess,” Jem said, smiling.

“Mayhaps, the river?” Magnus guessed, as they didn’t dress so much for the ocean since it was only a short walk down the path.

“Well done,” Jem congratulated, kneeling to tie his shoelaces.

Magnus made his way upstairs and bumped into Alec on his way.

“Hey,” Alec greeted, apprehensive for he did not know how Camille had taken the news.

“Hello,” Magnus replied, smiling at Alec.

“How was she?”

Magnus smiled. “She was fine. I really thought she might explode, but she didn’t. She was fine.”

“Yeah?” Alec asked, hesitating again

Magnus reached up and took Alec’s hands in his own, squeezing them. “Yes.”

Alec’s smile grew across his face in this beautiful motion, and Magnus could do nothing but watch. It was a beautiful thing of hope and wonder and possibility, and it made Magnus swallow. That made Alec smile wider, and Magnus leaned forward to kiss Alec on the lips gently. It was only small because anyone could come up and see them, but it was enough. It set hope further into Alec’s eyes, and it was all Magnus wanted.

“Oh, I need to get rid of the note I wrote,” Alec said, still holding onto one of Magnus’ hands and leading him into Magnus’ room.

He saw the handwritten note on his bed which read, “We’ve gone to the river. See you there x.” Alec went to pick it up and throw it away but Magnus took it from his hand to stop him. He wanted to keep it.

Alec furrowed his brow, watching as Magnus put the note into his book where the dahlia from Alec was still being pressed.

“Why?” Alec asked, Magnus crossing the room again, Alec following.

“Because, why not?” Magnus asked, shutting the door behind them.

They rode side by side to the river, chatting a little, but mainly enjoying the cooler sunshine.

They mainly swam with the others. Now they had kissed, Magnus felt they had all the time in the world to be together. The reality was the opposite, for the weeks were going fast, and Magnus did not want to countdown just how many days he had left, but there wasn’t many. Their time was slowly coming up, their days were numbered, and Magnus refused to count them, but that was, forever, going to be in the back of his mind every time he looked at Alec.

But, what was more prominent, was how much he liked Alec. When you figured him out and sifted through every version of himself he had to offer, he was something special. He had a wonderful smile, and he was carefree, and he was tumultuous but it made him interesting and enthralling. Magnus could not have imagined someone better to spend the rest of his summer with, even if that time was going to be done soon.

The two of them were racing each other in the river, carefree together. Magnus had to remember they were allowed to be like this and it wasn’t suggestive. Sure, they had never been discreet, but they didn’t have to be, right? This was allowed, wasn’t it? Magnus wasn’t sure, he just wanted to spend time with Alec and he didn’t care what people thought.

When Alec won the race, mainly because Magnus had lagged behind to watch Alec move through the water, Alec had raised his hands right up, declaring to the world he had beaten Magnus. Magnus had then shoved Alec hard enough he fell back in the water, and arose, water careening everywhere and pouring down his face. It made Magnus both very proud and a little aroused, though Alec often made him feel the latter.

“That was very rude,” Alec said, running a hand through his hair and pushing it back, off his face that was still dripping.

“Probably,” Magnus said, smirking.

Alec shoved his shoulder, and Magnus continued to smile, because he was content and the world made sense.

It was these smaller moments Magnus loved. When he had Alec to himself or when Alec was himself and casual, Magnus could talk to him and flirt with him and joke with him. He was this interesting ray of light, and Magnus wanted as much of him as he could get, in whatever form he came.

Isabelle stole him away to race with him again, so Magnus climbed onto the bank to sit next to Jem, drying off for a moment in the sun. Jem, as ever, was smiling his knowing smile, but Magnus didn’t mind.

“I know,” Magnus began. “We are not very discreet.”

Jem shrugged. “I don’t think it matters.”

Magnus nodded.

“So, Camille is off the table?”

“Was she ever on it?” Magnus asked, Jem laughing. “We kissed.”

“You and Camille?”

“Me and Alec,” Magnus corrected. “Yesterday.”

“At the island?”

“Mhm.”

“Congratulations.”

“He wants to have sex.”

Jem looked at him, brow furrowed. “And you don’t?”

Magnus rubbed his face. “Of course I do. I have for a while.”

“And, what, exactly, is the problem, then?” Jem asked, Magnus thinking about it for a long while before he spoke.

“He’s seventeen.”

“And, I do recall you being fifteen when you first had sex,” Jem pointed out, and it wasn’t necessarily Alec’s age that was the issue. It was who Alec was at his age. Yes, he was mature and wiser than his years, but he was still tumultuous, and that was because of his age, it had to be.

“But I was sure of myself at fifteen,” Magnus said. “I fear, to Alec, I am a mere infatuation or desire he’s going to get over at any moment.”

Jem made an uncertain hum, Magnus looking at him.

“What?” Magnus asked.

“I’m really not so sure,” Jem said. “I think he has liked you from the second he has laid eyes on you.”

“And how could you possibly know that?”

“I’m an observer,” Jem said. “The first day we were here, the first evening, in fact, he was watching you speak like there was no one else in the room. And he has not stopped doing just that since our very first evening.”

Magnus looked over to Alec, who was splashing his sister and laughing along with her. From the first moment he had seen Alec, he had thought he was beautiful and intricate, but he hadn’t known what Alec had thought of him because he was difficult to understand. Maybe, as always, it was easier to see things from the outside than from within.

“Would you like to know what I think?” Jem asked when Magnus said nothing.

“Please,” Magnus said. “And be gentle with me.”

“I think you want this to be beautiful and wonderful and, if anyone is going to mess it up, you think it will be you because you’re meant to have more experience and you want to guide him through it.” Jem smiled his knowing smile, and Magnus felt it like a knife to the heart.

“You could have been gentler.”

“Sure,” Jem said. “But tough love is good.”

“But it hurts.”

Jem laughed. “Now you’re being dramatic.”

“Probably,” Magnus said, watching Alec as Will asked him something and they laughed. Magnus could watch him laugh forever, as it rolled through his body and his face lit up. Jem shoved him with his shoulder, and Magnus sighed.

“I would tell you to stop hesitating so much, because we don’t have the longest of times left here, dearest Magnus,” Jem said, and it hurt to hear the words out loud.

But, since it was so true, Magnus stood, thanked Jem, and swam over to Alec and the others. When Alec saw him coming his way, he met him in the middle, his gloriously pale body glimmering underneath the sunlight, Magnus unable to look away.

“My sister’s a big cheater,” Alec said, slightly out of breath still.

“That is a big shame,” Magnus said, wishing he could lean forward and kiss him. He looked so beautiful with the sun elongating his lashes and the water glistening over his body, and Magnus wanted to kiss his perfect lips, because they were right there. He could save it for later, he was sure.

“I don’t think you really care,” Alec said, swinging his hands around in the water, his lithe body swaying.

Magnus laughed.

“I think we’re going to the beach tomorrow,” Alec said.

“Shocking.”

Alec laughed this time, and Magnus adored making Alec laugh.

They swam for the rest of the afternoon until they thought it was time they should go back. Bridget had another evening off, and they all cooked together, the Lightwood parents letting them be and going somewhere else for dinner. Magnus helped Max, who had integrated with them well, and flirted with Alec with his eyes whenever Alec looked over at him. He would have rather said things to him and kiss him, but they weren’t living in a world where they could do that, so he kept it to himself. And Alec, when Alec looked at him that was.

When they ate, Magnus discreetly ran his hand up and down Alec’s thigh when he could because feeling him shiver underneath his touch was the most satisfying feeling Magnus knew. He knew it might send a message Magnus wasn’t ready to answer yet, but he wanted to touch him and make up for the time they had lost.

When it was time for bed, Alec followed Magnus right up, and came into his room before Magnus could say anything. He smiled widely, melting Magnus’ heart and making him swallow.

Alec stepped towards him, swaying his body as he waited for Magnus.

“And how indiscreet did you want to be today?” Magnus asked, fondly, wrapping his arms around Alec’s waist.

“About as much as possible,” Alec answered, letting one of his hands run through the back of Magnus’ hair, making Magnus shiver beneath him, at the feel of his fingers on his neck.

“The same as usual, then?”

Alec nodded, smiling. He leaned up and kissed Magnus on the lips, long and slow. His lips were warm and soft, and Magnus lapped them up, enjoying the gentle moan Alec released from his throat. He was lithe underneath Magnus’ hands, and Magnus could have taken him right there.

“Can I stay here tonight?” Alec asked, breaking apart for a second to ask it before kissing Magnus again.

“Sure,” Magnus said, kissing Alec’s lips again and again. “But only-.”

Alec broke apart, making a space between them but not parting from him. “Really?”

Magnus sighed. He knew what Jem had said, but he just needed another moment, another bit of time to be okay with this.

“Yes, only to sleep,” Magnus said, squeezing Alec in his arms. “But that doesn’t mean we can’t kiss.”

Alec perked up, and Magnus smiled, kissing him again. Maybe tomorrow, Magnus would decide later. Instead, he focused on kissing Alec over and over until they were lying in bed and their lips were numb and they could kiss no longer for they were too tired.


	21. Frustration All Over Again

When Alec awoke with his head on Magnus’ chest, the world was complete and wonderful. Sure, it hadn’t been exactly what he was hoping for, but it was wonderful all the same, because Magnus was wonderful, and he felt safe sleeping next to him. There was a security blanket over them, a bubble covering them, a perfect serenity.

The sun was rising, coming over the balcony and covering their bodies in early-morning light. Alec could lie there forever; warm, comforted, adoring. He kissed Magnus’ chest, content.

Magnus stirred beneath him, and Alec pushed himself up to watch him wake. When his green eyes were unveiled to the world, Alec’s heart pounded in his ears and his body grew warm. They were such a forest of beauty to get lost in, and Alec could study them forever.

Magnus’ sleepy smile was beautiful, and Alec smiled back at him.

“Good morning,” Magnus greeted.

“Good morning.” Alec pressed his lips to Magnus’ for a moment but did not let it linger. He did breathe Magnus in however, filling his lungs with him.

“When are we going to the beach?”

“After breakfast and chores.”

Magnus nodded, and Alec felt his heart swell just looking at him.

Part of Alec wanted to stay there all day, absorbing Magnus’ warmth, absorbing his company. They could lounge about on the bed, maybe trail downstairs for some food and bring it straight back upstairs so they could eat on the bed, make out some more, talk, exist. It would be a perfect, lazy, summer day, and Alec wished they could make it happen.

But they couldn’t. They would be missed during the day, and if Bridget came up and found them, Alec wasn’t sure what his excuse might be. And they had promised they would go to the beach. It was a whole host of things, and Alec could not risk it, even if he really wanted to.

They lay down for a few moments longer, Alec kissing Magnus’ chest over and over because, to kiss him was to feel complete, and Alec liked knowing what feeling complete felt like. Pieces had clicked together, and Alec would not go back.

After breakfast and chores of mowing the grass and trimming bushes, they went down to the beach together. They swam for a while, and then they sunbathed, and then they swam, and sunbathed, and did that cycle for a few hours. Although it hadn’t been perfect and Alec wanted Magnus more than he could even say, it was enough. Their intimacy and their kissing, it was enough.

Well, Alec did want a little more, and, to get that bit more, there was a specific part of the beach he wanted to show him. It might spur things on, he wasn’t entirely sure, but he wanted to do everything he could to get that little bit more.

During one trail down towards the ocean, Alec kept wishing he could just hold Magnus’ hand. It was in no way a feasible option, and Alec knew it wouldn’t happen, but he could hope. To touch his fingers, to hold his palm against his own, what a dream. It might have been warm, but Alec was yearning for interaction, for affection, and he didn’t know if he was going to get it, but he was craving it in any way possible.

The beach was as busy as it ever got; a few couples here and there, a family or two, some others just sunbathing. Magnus went to stop at the shallows, but Alec told him he wanted to show Magnus something and that they had to swim around the cliff to get there. Magnus seemed confused, but agreed.

Alec led the way. It was a bit of a swim, but it was always worth it. No one else was ever there, well, no one had ever been there when Alec was, and it was a small spot, not made for many people. It was Alec’s, he decided, and his alone. He had shared it with no one before, but he had wanted to share it with Magnus, to let him in on this secret of his.

When they got onto the small shore, the little beach here completely encapsulated and hidden from the rest of the world, Alec looked at Magnus and waited for a response. Magnus looked around, looked out at the ocean and then back to Alec, and Alec waited. He would wait forever for approval from Magnus.

“This is yours?” Magnus asked.

Alec shrugged but nodded at the same time. “It’s not exactly mine, but no one else comes here. So, sure, I suppose it’s my spot, in a way. I come here alone a lot. To be here… Alone.”

Magnus nodded, looking out at the ocean again, not another soul in sight. “And why are you showing it to me?”

Alec stepped forward so he was standing exactly beside Magnus then, looking out over the same spot of the ocean. “Because I wanted to. I thought you might like to see it.”

“And why is that?” Magnus asked, looking at Alec and smiling.

Turning to face Magnus directly, he reached out and took Magnus’ hands, and he felt more relief than he knew was possible when Magnus didn’t retreat or hesitate in letting his hands be held. “Just because.”

“Just because?” Magnus repeated.

“Just because,” Alec said again, one final time.

Magnus nodded, accepting Alec’s little answer, and then he kissed Alec once on the lips. It was exactly what Alec needed, and it reassured him of a hundred things at once. Smiling, he kissed Magnus again, completion filling him once more.

When they pulled back, Alec smiled at him, full, beaming. This was a slice of heaven, and Alec wanted to hold onto it.

“What are we meant to be doing here, then, Alec?” Magnus asked, reaching up and stroking a piece of Alec’s hair behind his ear. Alec yearned for the affection and inhaled as it happened.

“Would you call me Alexander?” Alec asked, because he had liked the way Magnus had said it the day he had arrived, and he wanted him to use it again. It was vulnerable to have Magnus use it, but he was comfortable with being vulnerable around Magnus, because he knew Magnus would take care of him.

“Do you want me to?” Magnus asked.

Alec nodded.

“Okay.” Magnus paused. “Alexander.”

It sent a shiver through Alec, and that made Magnus smile. He kissed Alec on the lips, and Alec smiled into the kiss.

“You didn’t really explain to me why we are here, however,” Magnus said.

“I like this spot,” Alec said. “And I thought you might like to see it.”

“And that’s the only reason?” Magnus asked, beginning to smirk.

Alec shrugged. “I suppose.”

Magnus just looked at him, eyebrows raised.

“I suppose it is kind of private,” Alec said, shrugging.

“You could say that.”

“I certainly could.”

“I don’t think we should…”

“I know,” Alec said, a disheartened note to his tone. “I know. I just wanted to show you this, that’s all.”

“Thank you.” Magnus kissed Alec once again, and then they swam back, knowing they couldn’t be away for too long before people queried where they were. Thankfully, they had all been jumping off the cliff and had barely noticed their absence. It was a massive relief.

They went back to the sand and lay out on a towel, though they were well covered in sand already and a towel barely stopped skin being coated in another layer when you were led on one. The sun was high in the sky and it got rid of the water quickly. Alec never really tanned much, but he noticed his skin was a few shades darker. Magnus’ brown skin had gotten many shades darker, and Alec could see the lines where his shorts hung a little too low on his hips. It was stunning, really, and Alec wanted to see him bare, but those were thoughts for night, and it was still day.

As Alec glanced over to him, he studied his body, hands underneath his head, eyes closed as his face was turned up to the sun. He was so stunning, this ethereal being Alec got to spend time with and kiss occasionally. Alec wondered why Raziel had gifted him such a wonderful thing this summer.

He studied his eyes, knowing how green they were underneath his eyelids, dark eyelashes pressed against his cheeks. He knew his eyes, he knew their green and where the flecks of yellow were. They were intricate and intriguing, and Alec wanted to stare at them forever. He had memorised them and would be able to picture them in years to come, able to paint them without seeing the source.

Then there was his nose, which was perfect, and his lips, that Alec knew the taste of. If he licked his lips now, he would be able to taste Magnus’ on them. They had this perfect cupid’s bow, and they were plump, and this gorgeous colour that had Alec sweating just to think about.

There was his gorgeous jawline with flecks of dark hair where he hadn’t shaved this morning, and his long neck, stretched out with his face turned up to the sun. He had this stunning collarbone Alec wanted to trace with his fingers and his lips and his tongue. He had been shirtless so often around him, but, rather recently, it had been driving Alec insane. There was so much skin across his chest and his stomach, and it was gorgeous and brown and taut. It was glistening with sweat and water, and Alec wondered what he might taste like if he could put his mouth to the skin.

There were his hips where Alec could see the tan line, and so much of his urge control went into not reaching over and tracing his fingers along the difference between his natural skin colour and his darker tone. It was stunning. _He_ was stunning.

Alec adored every inch of him.

“Why are you staring at me?” Magnus asked, somewhat fondly, eyes still closed, feeling Alec’s gaze on him.

“Sorry,” Alec apologised, leaning back down and staring up at the sky again.

There was shuffling beside him, and then Magnus was looking over at him. Alec felt studied but did not move. He looked back, staring into those green eyes he adored so much.

“You don’t have to apologise,” Magnus said. “I just wanted to know why.”

Alec shrugged. “I’m sure it’s obvious.”

Magnus laughed.

“I’m not the most discreet,” Alec said, for he knew it was true, and there was no point in denying it when it was so obvious. There was definitely no use in denying it when it was Magnus he was talking to.

“Maybe not,” Magnus said. “But I like it that way.”

“Why?”

“It’s easier.” Magnus lay back down, Alec turning his head to look at him. “You’d be much more difficult if you were subtle. It’s difficult to understand subtlety.”

Alec snorted.

Magnus looked at him, brow furrowed. “What?”

“Do you know that you’re subtle?”

“Me?”

“Yes,” Alec said, laughing. “I have no idea what you’re feeling ever.”

“Are you serious?” Magnus asked, incredulously.

Alec nodded almost furiously, because it was true. Others might be able to see it and understand him, but not Alec. Alec thought he was subtle, and bless his little heart for that.

Magnus appeared to be speechless, and it made Alec smile even though he still felt he could not understand Magnus. Sure, they had kissed, but they still hadn’t had sex. And they still didn’t spend enough time alone. Or, maybe they did, but it was never the right time for what Alec wanted. Again, Alec put that down to not always understanding exactly what Magnus was thinking, but maybe there was more to it, Alec could not be sure.

Magnus made a confused sound and looked back up to the sky, eyes still open but squinting because of the sun. Alec continued to watch him, even when Magnus turned his head to look at Alec again.

“I am not subtle,” Magnus said.

“You are to me,” Alec replied, meaning it.

Magnus opened his mouth to say something else, but was interrupted by Will coming over to them, dripping wet and calling out excitedly. The others came up to them as well afterwards, and Alec cursed in his head. Could they finish nothing?

“We were going to cycle to one of the cafés,” Will said, rubbing his hair with a towel. “Get a late lunch or something. Coming?”

Magnus nodded, and Alec cursed in his head again. Of course, no reasonable excuse existed for why the two of them would want to remain on the beach together when the others were all going to go somewhere else. The world they lived in did not allow for such a thing, and Alec cursed Raziel for being cruel enough to gift him Magnus and then to have him taken away so often.

They pulled on their shoes and shirts and cycled through their small slice of Italy, Alec wanting nothing more than time alone with Magnus. Maybe tonight, for he had let Alec sleep in his bed last night. Maybe they could do that again. If Alec prayed to Raziel enough, he might let it happen. It might not be sex, Alec wasn’t going to hope for that from Magnus, but it could be enough.

The café was nice as it always was, but Alec was craving Magnus and he wanted Magnus all to himself. They had so much they could do now, so much they could enact. When they were at cafés with the others, the things they could do were so limited. They had to engage in conversation, sit next to each other and pretend they did not want to kiss the other senseless. It was not easy and it only made Alec feel frustrated because there was so much more they could be doing.

When it came to night, after they played some card games and drank and smoke, Alec went up first, hoping Magnus might follow, but knowing he wouldn’t. He would come later, Alec was sure of it.

But, as the hours ticked by, Alec heard nothing from the room beside him. There was not a sound or a creak or a gentle click of a door shutting in place. The night was silent, and Alec cursed.

As ever, he checked, just to make sure, but there was nothing. He tutted, cursing as he went back into his own room, riled up and wanting.

He tossed and turned on his bed, body riled and pounding. He wanted Magnus, and thinking about his body on the beach as it had lay next to him, sweating and wet, it was driving him near insane. His mouth had dried at the thoughts, and the wonder of how he might taste on his tongue would not leave his mind.

His cock had become hard at the thoughts, filling with blood, and he knew he should not grant himself this wish, but he had been aching for Magnus for so long, he could not will his mind to think of anything else. He thought of Magnus’ perfect lips and of his jaw and of his collarbone and of his hips, and his cock continued to fill until he was solid and erect, desperate for attention. He put it off for as long as possible before he pushed his shorts off his body and ran his hand up his cock.

As he touched himself, he wondered what it might feel like if it was Magnus touching him instead, if it was his olive hands rubbing him up and down. He wondered how it would feel for Magnus to touch him, and if his hands would be loving and gentle, or if they would be unforgiving and relentless. Alec would take either from Magnus.

He wanted to be underneath him, Magnus’ naked body on top, touching him, skin on skin. He ran his hand up and down his length, making useless sounds with his throat as he thought about Magnus, naked, inside him. He had never done it before, and he wanted Magnus to be his first time, wanted Magnus to touch him for the first time, to make him orgasm for the first time with another person. He wanted Magnus to have that, to know he was Alec’s first lover. The mere idea made Alec’s body hot.

Pumping his length over and over, he continued to listen out for Magnus, to see if he might return to the villa. If he did, he hoped he came into Alec’s room, hoped he saw him as the dishevelled, wanton mess he was. Maybe he would take pity on him and take him where he was, on his bed, already naked and panting.

But there was no noise, and so Alec kept touching himself, body yearning and hungry for someone who disappeared most nights. He had thought there had been progress, but, apparently not.

He came in his own hand, wishing it was with someone else, and he sighed, feeling the pathetic mess he was.

After recovering, his body calming, Alec got up and washed his hands, glad he had not spurted onto his sheets. It was awful and pathetic, and he was a teenager with a massive crush, and, sure they got to kiss, but that had been it. Alec wasn’t sure something more was necessary, but he wanted Magnus with every fibre of his existence, his life revolved around him, and he wanted him, he wanted that something more.

As he dried his hands, there was a shuffling from the door beside him, in Magnus’ room. It made him freeze, listening out intently for who it might be, though it had to be Magnus. He still froze, listening as they padded across the room.

Swallowing, Alec made his way back into his own room and then went out onto the balcony, hoping either to find him there or that Magnus would see him out there and join him. He wasn’t out there when Alec stepped out into the cool night. The latter could still come true, and Alec clung to that possibility.

There was still noise from his room, and Alec held his breath, hoping Raziel would grant him this.

A knock sounded on the balcony door that made Alec jump, but he looked back as Magnus opened it. He had dark circles under his eyes, but, other than that, he was smiling. Alec’s heart, as ever, pounded to see him, and he waited, the air between them confusing until one of them made sense of it.

“Why aren’t you asleep?” Magnus asked, quiet like the night around them, the world asleep.

“I can’t,” Alec said, Magnus coming to stand beside him, bodies brushing as they looked out to the world before them. “Not when you’re not here.”

Magnus nodded once, looking down to the ground. He sighed, Alec waiting for whatever came next.

But nothing came next. They stood out on the balcony, the world watching them, and not speaking.

And they didn’t need words, Alec decided. His company was enough. He was an unjudging presence, and he expected nothing. Alec had been expecting too much from him, and it wasn’t entirely fair. Just because Magnus was older, that didn’t mean it was easier or that he wanted things more. If he didn’t want sex with Alec, there had to be a valid reason, and Alec should respect that just as Magnus respected him.

They stayed out there for most of the night, the humid air sticking to their bodies. Their skin brushed, they breathed the same air, and the world let them be silent. Alec was not always comfortable with silence, but he understood its importance. Sometimes, you had to let silence sit between people to understand them, and Alec wanted to understand Magnus.

They let the night be their witness to their budding love, and trailed off to their separate beds when they were tired enough. Alec had thought to ask if he could sleep next to Magnus again, but he thought Magnus might want his space. Alec might want to be with him every second of the day, but everyone deserved their space, and if Magnus was thinking things over, Alec didn’t want to get in the way.

It was not an easy sleep, but at least he had gotten to exist with Magnus. And, if he ever got lonely or forgetful or wishful, he could think of Magnus’ green eyes, and he wouldn’t be so lonely anymore. He would be found.


	22. Working Up to It

The next morning, there were many chores that needed doing. They were split off into smaller groups and given tasks to clean the place up, and Magnus, along with Jem and Jace, were given the kitchen to tidy. Bridget had the entire day off, so they had to clean everything just after breakfast. Magnus had been hoping to talk to Alec, but maybe the space was good. Alec was outside helping his sister and Simon do something or other, which Magnus was sure Alec was absolutely loving considering the company he was forced to keep, and they were apart. It was good, Magnus thought, maybe.

The ache in his heart at even the slight distance between them wasn’t so good. He knew it was pathetic, and he knew Alec was dear to him and his happiness this summer, but he was such a tumultuous presence, and Magnus needed clarity right now. He needed surety before he made any decisions which would impact them both.

Magnus was cleaning, with vigour, a large pot, Jem drying beside him. Jace was wiping down the table and counters but had taken a break because Clary had popped around to see him. His shoulder was aching, but he was glad his mind was elsewhere. He had thought everything made sense and that everything had clicked into place, but he was this important person to Alec now, and Magnus wasn’t sure what to do with that. He had rarely been important to anyone before, and he tried not to think about who he was important to at home, for that would only make things messier here.

“You’ve been quiet this morning,” Jem commented, putting away some plates into a cupboard.

“Mm,” Magnus hummed, head aching, and not for lack of sleep, though he certainly did not have enough rest in his system.

“Did it not go well with Alec?” Jem asked.

“It’s hasn’t _gone_ with Alec.”

“Still?”

“Still.”

Jem made a thinking hum, Magnus still scrubbing away. It was likely already clean enough, but he wanted to work at it until he was numb. Was a summer with Alec going to be as confusing as a summer with Camille? Maybe he should be spending it with Camille, who might mean less to him, but it would be a whole lot easier than this. He had responsibility here, and he didn’t know if he wanted it, he didn’t know if he could handle it.

“Why?” Jem asked.

“Same as before, I suppose,” Magnus said. “And, I don’t think sex is the big deal it’s made out to be, but I’d be Alec’s first… And sure, even that isn’t that much of a deal, but I don’t know what he’s expecting from it.”

“You’d be Alec’s first what?” a voice asked from the doorway, and Magnus turned to face Jace, whose brow was furrowed, a desperate, almost angry confusion in his eyes.

Magnus cleared his throat. There was no answer to that question, and he did not want to think about Alec’s horror at the idea Jace knew they had something. Jem said nothing either, and Jace looked from one to the other, trying to work it out though it wasn’t that difficult of a leap to make.

“You’d be his first what, Magnus?” Jace asked, directly looking at him, a fury in his eyes Magnus did not want to know. He did not know, exactly, where Jace sat on this topic, but, from his current reaction, he wasn’t sure he wanted to know, either.

“Why does it matter?” Magnus asked.

“I want to know.”

“Why?”

“Because-.” Jace was cut off by Maryse walking into the room, asking if they were staying for lunch. After a quick yes, Maryse asked Jace if he could help somewhere else, and Magnus sighed out of relief.

Jace sent one confused and slightly angry look back to Magnus, and then he left. Magnus hadn’t realised how cold his blood had gone.

“I didn’t think he’d have that much of an issue with it,” Jem mused. “I didn’t think he’d be like that.”

“Shit,” Magnus said. It was another thing Magnus did not want to have to deal with, and this would make things with Alec even worse. And they didn’t even have to be that bad, not really. They weren’t even getting that bad, there was just something between them Magnus was wedging there because he was hesitant.

“I can’t imagine he would say anything.” Jem was attempting to be reassuring, but it was not working. He had wanted this summer to be easy, and it was going the opposite way.

“Shit.” Magnus ran his hands over his face and could have screamed. “These past couple of days have been testing me.”

“Don’t let it get to you, then.”

Magnus looked at him. “Don’t let it get to me? Jem, I am desperate to have sex with Alec, but my mind will not let me, and now Jace knows we have sort of a thing when Alec really doesn’t want anyone to know. It is getting to me, Jem.”

Jem reached over and squeezed Magnus’ arm. “I will talk to Jace.”

“Thank you,” Magnus said, glad for him.

Jem left after that, and Magnus wanted to pound his head against the pot he was scrubbing.

Before lunch, Magnus went upstairs to get changed, having worked up quite the sweat cleaning, the day rather boiling. Just after he had left his room, he saw Alec’s door open, and decided to see him. Things had been such a mess, and he just wanted someone to make him feel better. That person, somehow, had become Alec.

He knocked on the door, and it was opened wider, revealing Alec, shirtless before him. He smiled a quiet sort of smile, and Magnus stepped in.

He kissed him, for relief and comfort, and just because he could. Alec was wonderful, and he wanted to kiss him. Even if his mind wouldn’t let him have sex with him, kissing was fine, Magnus decided.

“You okay?” Alec asked.

Magnus nodded, deciding not to tell him about Jace. “Thank you for being so patient with me.”

Alec smiled, kissing Magnus once on the lips. “It’s fine. I don’t mind.”

“Yes, you do,” Magnus said, smiling.

Alec laughed and kissed him again. Magnus thought they should close the door, but they had already been discovered by Jace, and Magnus just wanted it to be simple now.

“We should go down for lunch,” Magnus said.

“I suppose we should.”

Magnus had thought it would be hell trying to deal with Jace during lunch, but Jace had gone off with Clary, and it was a great relief. They still had more chores to do, but Magnus was relieved he would not have to deal with his stares because he and Alec had sat next to each other. Even though this was fine, he was revealed to two people now, and Alec only knew one of them was the case. Magnus wanted it simple, it was summer, it could be beautiful and not complicated.

They had more chores to do until dinner, but it kept him occupied. And Alec was there also as they dusted around the library. It was nice to be in his casual company, talking lightly and dusting the villa. It was such a pleasant place to be.

It took a fair few hours to do everything they were asked to do, and they worked up quite the appetite for dinner. Jace still wasn’t around, and Magnus thanked Raziel for being so kind to him. Things were a lot easier when Magnus let them be simple. He was the one complicating them, after all, and they didn’t have to be like that.

Underneath the table, sat so close to Alec and feeling the heat from him, Magnus shuffled his leg closer to Alec’s, brushing it up against him. He could feel Alec freeze for only a second, before he leaned into the contact underneath the table.

He blushed, his eyes darting around the table to see if anyone was watching them, which they weren’t. Conversation thrived around the table, and nobody would pay attention to them. It was why Magnus felt so confident touching him, occasionally running his hand up Alec’s thigh to feel him shiver.

It made dinner such a pleasant exchange, and his mind settled. He wanted Alec, and he liked to feel him shiver, liked to feel how much Alec wanted him. And he had been patient after he had wanted it so much. Maybe Magnus still felt a great responsibility for Alec, for guiding him through this. But it didn’t have to be complicated or difficult. Communication was probably key here too, and that had to be a part of it.

“After we’ve cleaned up,” Maryse said, putting down her knife and fork. “We’re going to a friend’s, where we taste their homemade wine. It’s a nice tradition we do when there’s only a couple of weeks left of the summer.”

Magnus ignored that last part.

There was some noise of agreement, but Magnus decided against it.

“Thanks, Maryse,” Magnus began. “But, I really have been behind on my letters and postcards to family and friends at home.”

Maryse nodded. “Alec, will you drive?”

Alec shook his head. “I’m not in the mood tonight.”

“Are you sure? Meliorn will be there, and you always get along great with him.”

Alec look horrified, cheeks growing red, and Magnus might have laughed if that would have not made things obvious. He shook his head again and stood to gather everyone’s plates. Magnus helped clear the table as well, grabbing Alec’s hips the second they were alone.

“And, Alexander, who is Meliorn?” Magnus asked, squeezing Alec’s hips and grinning as Alec’s cheeks grew red again.

“He is no one,” Alec said, and his flushing was adorable.

“I’m not so sure,” Magnus said. “He seems like he is someone to you.”

“He really isn’t,” Alec said. “He came as a guest a couple of years ago and moved into a villa because he liked it so much. We just get along. I don’t know why my mum said it like that.”

“You’ve never kissed him?” Magnus said, smirking.

Alec scoffed. “You know I haven’t.”

“I’m sure you have many secrets, Alexander.” Magnus kissed him once on the cheek and went to gather the rest of the plates.

When the others left to go for wine, Magnus went to his room to begin writing letters and postcards. He had gotten a few, but he had been so caught up in Italy or Camille or Alec, and he had gotten so behind. It was only fair he write some now, get some in whilst he had a spare moment.

It was only a spare moment for he knew what Alec wanted. Alec had stayed behind as well. The villa was empty and it was clear Alec had wanted it that way. Magnus had wanted it that way as well, but it was an intimidating thought now it was real. But Magnus had his chores to do, and he was going to complete them before he granted himself Alec’s presence. The world existed outside of Alec’s presence, even if Magnus didn’t want to believe or acknowledge that.

Sensing Alec’s presence outside his door, Magnus finished his letter and folded it. It had made him smile for Alec was so obvious, and it was the sweetest thing. Magnus was rather glad for him at times, for he had made this summer so interesting.

Instead of waiting for Alec to work up the courage to knock on his door, Magnus crossed his room and opened it for him. It was such a pleasure to see Alec’s shocked and guilty face behind the door.

“Would you like to come in?” Magnus asked.

“I, uh… I… Um… I…” Alec stuttered, and Magnus beamed, opening the door wider so Alec could step in. Alec hung his head as he walked inside. “Sorry.”

Magnus sat at his desk, watching as Alec sat on the bed. “Why are you sorry?”

“I don’t know.” Alec sighed and collapsed back on the bed, lying out, all limbs, beautiful.

Alec sighed again, and Magnus was sure the fond look on his face looked ridiculous.

“Did you want to go and see Meliorn?” Magnus asked, smirking.

Alec reached a hand up, grabbed one of Magnus’ pillows, and threw it at Magnus. Magnus caught it and laughed all the same. He was meant to be writing to his friends and family, but there was this person on his bed who was entirely too distracting.

“So, what is actually wrong, Alexander?” Magnus asked, keeping the pillow in his lap.

“Nothing, really,” Alec said, staring up at the ceiling, a strip of skin revealed from where he was lying, his stomach gloriously pale, delectable. It sent a wave of arousal through Magnus, and he had to remember to control his want. Alec deserved doses of his want, and he could not allow it to control him. “I just wanted a lazy day, and now I’m exhausted.”

“I do not think of you as being someone who wants lazy days,” Magnus said, watching Alec breathe, his stomach rising and falling steadily.

“Mm,” Alec hummed. “I don’t usually, but you’re exhausting.”

Magnus snorted. “Me?”

“Mhm.”

“What, exactly, is it I have done that is exhausting?”

“Everything.” Alec looked at Magnus and smiled. “Absolutely everything.”

Magnus stood and put the pillow back on the bed, and then came and lay down next to Alec, lying on his stomach, face inches from his. Alec smiled at him, lighting up the pools of his eyes. He was so stunning, his cheekbones high and prominent when he smiled, and it made Magnus’ stomach warm.

“Everything I do exhausts you?” Magnus asked, propped up on his elbows to look down at his gorgeous eyes, needing the distance before he got lost in them.

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“Because…” Alec hesitated. “Don’t laugh at me, but it’s because you are very consuming.”

“Consuming?”

“Yes.”

“In what way?”

“As in… you are very consuming.” Alec smiled, and Magnus rolled his eyes, though he understood what Alec meant. Alec was consuming as well, and he took up almost every thought of Magnus’ from the second he woke up to the second he went to sleep, and even some thoughts in his slumber as well.

Magnus leaned down and kissed him on the lips, content when Alec hummed. He could kiss him all day. And, after some steady breathing, he could do other things to him all day as well, he just needed to calm himself before he could do those things.

Breathing him in, Magnus tasted as much of him as he could, lapping up his lips and his tongue and the smile engrained against his lips. They kept their hands to themselves for the beginning, just kissing each other. The whole house was theirs, there wasn’t another soul in the building. Magnus got used to the silence as he grew accustomed to the idea of what he wanted to do with Alec right now. Sure, he had wasted most of the empty house with writing letters, but there was still time.

When Magnus adjusted himself so he could cup Alec’s nape, Alec wrapped both his hands around Magnus’ neck. It was invitation enough, and Magnus adjusted himself further, coming to rest on top of Alec. He hesitated to ask, without words, if it was okay, and Alec had nodded furiously before reaching up to bring their lips together again.

There was a growing heat to their lips, a budding arousal as their mouths moved over each other. His body was wonderful underneath Magnus’, lithe and agile, hands in Magnus’ hair, touching his neck and reaching down the neck of his shirt. Alec made a slight moan when Magnus bit at his bottom lip, nipping at it gently, unable to control his want for a second because Alec was overwhelming and consuming.

When they broke apart for a minute, mainly to breathe and to calm Magnus’ swelling lips, Alec smiled brightly and lazily. Magnus’ heart swelled about three sizes, and he smiled down to him as well.

Alec leaned up and licked up Magnus’ lips, which was both widely arousing and the sweetest thing in the world. Magnus smiled at him, beaming down at Alec, heart soaring. Alec waited patiently, hands still around Magnus’ neck. Magnus couldn’t believe Alec had been so patient with him. He was still young, and to be as wise as he was, it was miraculous. Magnus could kiss him until they could no longer breathe.

He planned on doing that and more, kissing Alec deeper, teaching him how to use his tongue with practise. Alec moaned into his lips, and Magnus could feel the fire growing within him. Alec was this beautiful creature, and how could Magnus deny him or himself what he wanted when it was right there?

He was beautiful and lithe and enthralling, and Magnus could not restrain himself any longer. It was in the beating of his heart, in the way his blood coursed through his body, in his breathing. His want was his very existence, and it thrived for Alec, and how was he meant to deny his want when it was in the way he lived?

Magnus reached down to Alec’s shirt, pushing his hand underneath the fabric. Alec shivered beneath his touch when Magnus roamed across his stomach, feeling the smooth skin. To feel his agile body beneath his fingers was something else, something enticing, and his body thrived with want further. Alec was this beautiful creature, and he wanted Magnus, and Magnus could not abstain from his want any longer.

He pushed the fabric up, touching his chest, Alec arching his back into the contact. Magnus was keenly aware how new this was for Alec, how he had not done this before. Every touch was his first, every moan into Magnus’ mouth was amongst his first, every want that was being answered was his first. Magnus was careful about that, not hesitant but careful.

He pushed the shirt up further, Alec leaning up so Magnus could push it over his head. Alec was too eager to keep their mouths parted for too long, and he connected their lips again. Magnus smiled into his lips, adoration consuming him.

“You sure you want this?” Magnus asked, mumbling against Alec’s eager lips.

“Yes, yes,” Alec replied, eager, kissing Magnus over and over.

Magnus laughed through his nose, kissing Alec back and then trailing down his jaw, letting Alec moan’s ripple through the room. He was so new to this, and Magnus had to be cautious, because, although it was endearing, it was going to be over quickly if Magnus did not control himself.

He kissed down his neck and then placed his lips over and over his chest, tasting his skin. He had imagined how he might taste when not wet with sweat or water, how his lips would taste when they were pressed to his skin. He tasted like summer and youth, like opportunity and desire. He was a wild, tumultuous thing beneath his hands, beneath his mouth, and Magnus could not control his own want within him.

Unfortunately, before Magnus could kiss down his stomach, there was the sound of a car on the gravel outside, and they both froze. Magnus sat up, feeling his blood beginning to cool. Alec cursed and sighed like the world was going to end.

Magnus, cupping his cheek, kissed him on the forehead. The small smile Alec gave him was worth the tension, Magnus supposed, even if he had been so ready for it.

Alec sat up, Magnus going to the balcony to watch everyone return, bearing gifts of wine, some bottles half-empty. When he looked back into the room, Alec was picking up his shirt and putting it on the back of the chair at the desk. Magnus laughed through his nose again, adoring and infatuated.

“And where are you staying tonight?” Magnus asked, leaning on the doorframe and smiling.

“Here,” Alec said, matter-of-factly.

“Okay, but-.”

“Just to sleep,” Alec finished for him, rolling his eyes and making Magnus smile.

“Just to sleep,” Magnus replied, stepping forward and kissing Alec on the lips, touching his bare hips for just a moment. “Will they come up and see us or can we go straight to bed?”

“They might.” Alec shrugged. “We could go out on the balcony. Wait until everyone else goes to bed.”

“Sure.”

Alec went out first, and Magnus grabbed a pack of cigarettes, for he was in need of one after their latest ordeal, and pulled his shirt off for the night was humid. He joined Alec out on the balcony after lighting his cigarette.

“Do you think I’m a good kisser?” Alec asked, taking Magnus’ cigarette and taking a drag before handing it back, letting Magnus fill his own lungs with smoke.

Magnus laughed, breathing out the smoke in a smooth motion, Alec looking at him.

“Are you laughing because I’m not?” Alec asked, and Magnus laughed again, giving Alec the cigarette.

“I am laughing because, of course, you are going to ask a question like that,” Magnus said, laughing still, enjoying Alec’s carefree nature.

“Why do you say that?”

“Just because,” Magnus said, smiling at Alec’s confusion.

Alec inhaled the smoke, Magnus watching him as the embers lit up his face. He was very sexy, Magnus thought, enticing and enthralling. He was such a vision of beauty, his blue eyes ignited by the fire of the cigarette, his pale skin absorbing the blue light of the moon. He was a vision, and Magnus was so lucky to be able to just look at him, let alone kiss him.

They stayed out on the balcony, smoking until the cigarette was worthless, and then they curled up together in bed, falling asleep, the world theirs, and opportunity on their lips.


	23. To Have Wants Answered

Alec was awoken by the doors repeatedly opening and closing against the wall. It was going to be a particularly breezy day, and Alec could feel the hot wind pouring through the open doors onto their bare skin, the two of them still tucked up. It was too warm for it, really, but Alec was not going to be parted from his side, not when their time together was on the latter half of their summer.

The warm air filled the room and Alec stirred, rubbing his eyes and wishing last night had ended where he had wanted it to end. It hadn’t gone exactly as planned, though Alec hadn’t exactly planned it either. He had wanted it with every fibre of his existence, and then Magnus had kissed his chest and touched him, and it was going to happen, and then it hadn’t, and Alec knew few frustrations like it. But he had still gotten to lie in bed with him, he supposed. It was some small silver lining, though kissing him was fantastic and Alec was never going to pass up that opportunity.

Sitting up, Alec stretched his aching limbs and yawned, rubbing his eyes. At times like these, he was glad he got up early. Bridget or someone else might come into Magnus’ room, and if Alec was ever found, lying with Magnus, their bare chests touching, limbs entangled, he might never recover.

Instead, to avoid a situation like that, he got up and dressed for the day. Magnus was still asleep when he was done, and he wondered how much yesterday had taken out of him. He had been riled up as well, ready to make love to Alec, ready to be his first ever lover, and then they had had to stop because the house was full and awake. Alec wasn’t sure they would get an opportunity like that again, but there would be other times, right? They still had a couple of weeks together, there had to be plenty of time, right?

Since Magnus was asleep even when the rest of the house began to stir, Alec went down without him. If he was that tired, he needed his sleep, and they could spend the day together at the beach or maybe inside or by the pool. There was time. Alec would remind himself of that until their last second together was up.

Magnus came down in the middle of breakfast, sitting opposite Alec and grabbing the glass of peach juice he was offered. He threw Alec a smile that warmed Alec from the inside out, and that wasn’t just down to the tumultuous weather around them. It was a windy day and there were erratic clouds in the sky. Alec was sure it might rain later, so he would take Magnus somewhere secluded where they might not feel the rain.

“Do you have all you travel things ready? For when you go home?” Maryse asked, and it sent a knife through Alec’s heart. He refused to think about the end or what was coming, on the horizon, distant but still visible. His mother bringing it up over breakfast did not allow him to ignore it.

“Yes,” Will said, and Alec looked at him and Jace, finding Jace already looking at him. Alec wasn’t sure what was happening, and he smiled at Jace, though Jace did not return it, and he glanced once at Magnus before going back to his egg. Alec would have thought about it more, but Will was talking about leaving and it was more distracting than Jace’s stares. “It’s a three o’clock flight, so we’ll be leaving in the morning.”

“Okay, we’ll make sure everything’s ready the night before, then.”

“Thank you,” Tessa replied.

Alec shot a look towards Magnus, who would not meet his eye. Neither of them discussed this or how fleeting their time was. Neither had made mention of what their reality would become, of what might become of them when Magnus left. They lived in different parts of America, Magnus had a life to return to after summer, as did Alec. Alec wasn’t sure what they might be when summer ended, and he didn’t want to think about it, either.

“You’re free of chores today,” Maryse said. “Thank you for yesterday, Bridget and the rest of us appreciate it.”

It was their cue to get up and leave if they wanted, and Jace did instantly with one glance back between Alec and Magnus. Alec would have questioned it again but Tessa asked what the others were doing today, and Alec shrugged it off. He had then looked directly at Magnus, trying to tell him he wanted him to himself today, and hoping Magnus got the picture as well.

“I should go to the post office,” Magnus said, and Alec wondered if that was his cue to join him. “If anyone has anything to send, I’ll happily take it.”

“I’ll come,” Alec said, for he did have things to send, and he also needed Magnus’ company more than anything else.

They parted afterwards, taking some things from the others, and they cycled into town. As ever, they did not discuss their future or what was coming. Even though it had been a topic a mere few minutes before, it was not a topic they crossed, and Alec didn’t want to ever cross it.

Once they gave their letters and packages over, they stopped in a café for a quick drink, the warm air almost choking them. The air was humid, and the clouds above them were beginning to darken. But Alec knew where they could go, where they might avoid the rain if it fell, and he wanted Magnus all to himself, somewhere private, away from the world.

They cycled back to the villa but did not go in. Leaving their bikes outside, they made their way down to the beach, Alec leading, and stepped straight into the cool waters of the ocean. It was such a nice change from the smothering air, and Alec felt he could breathe again.

He continued to lead the way through the waters, swimming around the cliffs until they got to his spot again. As ever, it was deserted. Not another soul came here, Alec had never seen anyone on his little beach. It was his. And, now, it was Magnus’. Alec had shared it with him for a reason, and he hoped Magnus understood why he had done it.

“Why are we here?” Magnus asked, though he had to know. Alec still wanted him, and, if their villa was full, this was a much better spot. Alec never saw anyone else when he came here, so it was private enough.

Alec shrugged, and Magnus laughed.

“Surely, I have not become discreet overnight,” Alec said, smiling at Magnus, glad when Magnus stepped towards him and into his space.

Magnus shook his head. “Of course not. I would never expect something like that.”

Alec ran his hands up Magnus’ chest, locking them in his hair. When they kissed, Alec could smell the salt from the ocean and the heat from the air. He could breathe them both in and would, forever, associate these things with Magnus. On hot summer nights where he was by the beach, Magnus would come to his mind, and he would be that summer night; full of heat, making his skin pulse.

There was a weight to their pause when they broke apart. Neither was going to voice what they were thinking; the end. It was near, they could already feel it. It was weighing Alec’s heart down, and only Magnus’ smile and his presence would be able to lift it again. Alec wasn’t going to say how much he didn’t want Magnus to go, and Magnus wasn’t going to say anything either. It was there, in the way they held each other, in the way they kissed, in the way they paused. They both could feel it, but neither of them would make it real by saying it.

They tumbled to the ground when their lips crashed together again, feeling the weight of their impending closure. Sand stuck to skin, Alec lying on his back, head immersed in the grains. Their lips were fire, connected and burning. Their time was not forever, and they had not taken advantage of every second they had together, and Alec did not want to regret a single second of it.

Alec kissed Magnus like it could extend their time together, he kissed him like the world might be kind enough to give them more time. Raziel might bless them, Alec supposed. In some miracle, their lives might be connected forever. That had to be a possibility.

He tasted his mouth, his tongue, his skin on his lips. He lapped up every scent and every taste, and he memorised them. He would engrain it into his mind, for this was his, and he did not want it to leave him like it would. There had to be some way to keep him, Alec thought. His heart and his body belonged to him, and Magnus would take it with him wherever he went.

Magnus did not hesitate like he had last night, and he pushed Alec’s shirt up and over his head without a second of pause. Alec let him. It might have been public, but he was not going to let anything stop this, not now. His body wanted him, and it was hungry.

He was also, _actually,_ hungry, apparently, for his stomach grumbled, and it was the most embarrassing thing in the world. Magnus had paused where he was kissing his chest and looked up at Alec, and Alec wanted to spontaneously combust.

“This is the most embarrassed I’ve ever been,” Alec said, voice quiet, closing his eyes as he gave up with trying to be seductive and wanton. “Please, pretend that did not happen.”

Magnus smiled this magnificent smile, but it did not make Alec feel any less embarrassed. He wished he had eaten more at breakfast.

Magnus pressed his mouth to Alec’s stomach then, over and over, smile engrained into his lips. Alec could feel his grin as he kissed his stomach, and it rumbled again. Alec would have wanted to combust again, but Magnus was mouthing at his stomach, laughing into his skin, and it was so wonderful. It sent heat across his skin, and blood down to his cock where he was steadily growing hard.

He ghosted his lips over Alec’s hips, nipping once at the skin. It made Alec moan, escaping from his throat, unable to help it. Sure, this was a private part of the beach, but Alec didn’t want to bring any attention here. He had thought he could keep his noises of pleasure to himself but, apparently, he could not.

Magnus kissed his stomach again, and Alec was glad it did not grumble this time. His real hunger had subsided to desire, and that was controlling his every thought now. He wanted Magnus everywhere, and he would get him like that now, on this secluded spot, his beach, where Magnus was his. They belonged to each other, and their desirous emotions could be satiated by no one else but the other.

Just as Magnus slipped his thumbs into the waistband of Alec’s shorts, ready to push them down and unveil Alec’s body unto the world, the heavens opened. Alec hadn’t even realised how dark the world had gotten for he had been too distracted by Magnus’ lips to take notice of the world around them.

Alec had thought, however, that, even if it did rain, they would be safe here. But that was not the case, and they were covered in raindrops from the second the heavens had tried to stop them.

Magnus pushed himself off Alec and smiled. He was covered in rain already, and Alec cursed inside his head.

“We should head back,” Magnus said, defeat in his tone.

“Sure,” Alec said, defeat also in his tone. “I just…” Alec cleared his throat. “I just need two minutes.”

Magnus laughed through his nose, coming to sit next to Alec as Alec calmed himself down. It would have been easier if Magnus was not there, but he was not going to tell him to go on ahead. He needed his company for he was reminded, again, that he would not have his company forever.

Once calmed, they swam back to the shore and climbed back up to the villa. Everyone else had already come back and they were setting up a table inside for lunch. Alec and Magnus helped set the table, wanting to spend as much time together as they could. Even if it was something as simple as setting the table, they would do it together, just to be together.

They spent the rest of the afternoon and evening lounging on the sofas, reading. Alec and Magnus spread out together, legs touching and no more. Jem likely wouldn’t mind if they led across each other lazily, but Alec wasn’t about to do that with the others in the room. Particularly not if his mother or father might walk in and question it. Some part of Alec thought they might think nothing of it anyway. They did always believe Alec got too attached to the guests, but Alec wasn’t going to risk anything.

That night, Alec got ready for the same thing to happen; they might kiss, spend an hour or so on the balcony, smoke down a cigarette or two, and then sleep in the same bed. Nothing more. They would have to find some other time to be together.

But that was not the case.

When Alec stepped into Magnus’ room after cleaning his teeth and washing his face, Magnus kissed him with something more on his lips. It was a question Alec answered with a hum. The villa might be full, but it was going to sleep, and these two could be awake, thriving and burning in their dark room.

“Are you sure you want this?” Magnus asked, breathing heavy, pupils growing.

“Yes,” Alec answered, for he had been sure for weeks at this point. He wanted this like he wanted this summer to never end. He wanted this like he wanted time to stop. He wanted this like he wanted Magnus. “Yes.”

Magnus nodded, and Alec kissed him again, bringing their bodies close. The heat of the day had gone, but Alec would carry it over in his body, in his lips, in the way he craved Magnus.

“Do you have, uh…?” Magnus began asking but could not think clearly, it would seem, when Alec was kissing him. Alec wrapped his arms around Magnus and would not let them be parted. Raziel be damned if he did not want this to happen. Even if the villa knew exactly what they were up to, Alec did not care. He wanted Magnus, and he would have him. “Do you have coconut oil?” Magnus eventually asked, Alec nipping at his lips in his want.

Alec broke their lips apart. “What?”

“Dry sex is not so pleasant,” Magnus said, and Alec would take his word for it, for he had not had sex before. “Do you have any? Or oils of any kind, really?”

Alec shrugged. “You can check the cupboard.” He gestured towards the bathroom but did not want to be parted from Magnus for even a second. Parting might end it, and Alec would not let it end today.

“Okay,” Magnus kissed him again. “Lie on the bed. I’ll be just a second.”

Alec went to the bed, and lay down, though he wasn’t sure what was comfortable. He was aware of every inch of his body, and he did not know what to do with it as he waited.

Magnus returned with a bottle in his hand Alec was sure one of the previous guests had brought and not taken home with them. Alec didn’t know, and, also, he did not care, because Magnus was here, and it was going to happen, and he might finally be satiated now. His body ached for him, and he was here. It was happening.

He got on top of Alec, disregarding the bottle at the foot of the bed, and kissed him again. They couldn’t be noisy because the walls were thin and Izzy was in the room just over, but they could have this.

The slight hum that escaped his throat would be the only noise he made, he promised himself that. He knew, however, he would likely break that promise.

Magnus kissed down his jaw, pushing his shirt up over his head as he did. He wanted this slow and leisurely, but they were both so full of want, it was never going to be like that. Their bodies ached, desperate for sensations only the other could bring, and Alec was sure he would not last long, not with how excited he got with just the thoughts of kissing him and being with him, body on body.

With his shirt off, Magnus kissed and nipped his way down Alec’s chest and stomach. He didn’t bite hard enough to bruise, because they would be very difficult to explain to friends and family when they appeared the next day, but he bit hard enough it sent sparks through Alec’s body, a river of excitement coursing through him.

At his hips, Magnus spent time sucking and nipping across the bone, sending Alec wild. He kept as much of the noise in his throat as possible, but one or two moans escaped. Magnus didn’t seem to notice, or, instead, he paid all his attention to Alec’s hips and his skin and made no note of the whimpers he pulled from Alec’s throat. Alec was trying his best to not buck and rut up into the air, but his body was young and it got excited far too easily, it was not possible to control.

He was solid before Magnus even pulled his shorts off, and he could feel Magnus moving on top of him, sending him crazy. There wasn’t a single movement that didn’t send Alec into a fit of desirous madness. His body craved satisfaction and, when Magnus pulled down the fabric covering him to reveal his erection, he knew Magnus would do just that.

He took him in his mouth for a moment, sucking against the head of his cock. It made Alec throw his head back into the pillows, the feel of his tongue around his length the most wonderful thing in the world. It sent him wild, moaning though he tried to prevent it, but Magnus had his lips around his cock, and how could he possibly stop that?

Magnus sat up, Alec wishing he would continue, but also wanting to see Magnus bare. He stripped off his shirt, Alec drinking in the sight of his brown chest and wanting to touch him and feel him. And then he stripped himself of his shorts as well, his curved cock long, forcing Alec to swallow. He wanted him so much, he could barely stand to just wait there and watch him. His body thrived off his want, and he did not know how he had been able to quench his thirst without having Magnus before.

He wanted to take him in his own mouth, but their desire was consuming them, and he was content to lie there as Magnus coated his fingers in whatever he had found in the bathroom and then press them inside Alec.

It was not instant pleasure, as Alec had thought it might be, but it was enough to get used to. He let Magnus open him, working him with his fingers, prepping him for his cock. There were moans from his throat, but he forgot about them, focused instead of the mere idea of Magnus being inside him. What a world, Alec thought, Magnus working his opening, the best sensations in the world coursing through him, building at the base of his cock.

It took a good long while of stretching before Alec could be prepared for his size. Alec felt so on shown before him, so watched underneath Magnus’ gaze as he tried to gauge what Alec enjoyed. Alec rather enjoyed every movement, Magnus pushing knuckle after knuckle inside him, opening him, stretching him further and further.

When Magnus withdrew, it was far too soon. He felt empty, not realising he had been empty all this time before. Drawing attention to it now, Alec felt like he so needed to be full, full of Magnus in both a literal and figurative form.

He watched as Magnus coated his length in oil, slicking himself up. Alec, whilst now physically prepared, felt wholly unprepared for who he would become when he knew what it was like to make love to someone who you craved more than anything in existence. He was desperate for Magnus, he had been for weeks it felt, to know what that would be like, Alec wasn’t even slightly prepared for that level of satisfaction.

When Magnus pressed his length into him, Alec moaned. He could not help it. Magnus was inside him and it had been a dream for so long. To feel it, to feel the skin of Magnus’ cock working him open further, moving in and out of him, Alec could not fathom the reality of it. He was being filled with Magnus’ glorious cock, and the world was full of complete and beautiful things. There was nothing more in the world Alec wanted than Magnus to continue gently rocking back and forth into him.

Again, it hadn’t been instant pleasure, but it got there. It got to a place where Alec writhed underneath Magnus’ pleasure, where Magnus’ lips were the only thing Alec wanted to taste for the rest of his life. Alec lay underneath Magnus, his hands roaming across his back and touching his skin as he arched into him, and it was the only place he wanted to be.

There was skin on skin, sweat beading across their bodies, rolling across them as they moved against each other. Alec’s hands were desperate to touch every part of Magnus he could reach, content he kept one hand underneath Alec’s hip to keep them in rhythm. He could feel every part of his body as it moved over his and his weight on top of him was so perfect, Alec could have lay like that forever, infatuated and enraptured.

The pleasure only built further and further until Alec felt he was in a realm only reachable when making love to someone you had come to adore. His cock ached for attention, rubbing himself against Magnus as they kept the other close, skin touching absolutely everywhere. It was a tandem of pleasure, moving back and forth, Alec knowing nothing like it.

Alec knew nothing like this pleasure, nothing in the world had satiated his entire body like this. It was a beautiful thing, love made physical, real, touchable, Alec felt. To be filled like this, by a lover who meant the world to him, Alec never thought he could reach a realm like this again, not with anyone else at least. This was his and Magnus’, and Alec never wanted it to end.

It ended physically when he came quickly in excitable loads over his stomach, coating himself in white. He attempted to stifle his moan by pressing his mouth to Magnus’, but it did not entirely work. He had never known a pleasure like it, coursing through him, making his body jerk.

And then he felt Magnus’ semen fill him as he came, Alec’s opening contracting around him. It filled him until he leaked, Alec wondering how long it had been since Magnus had pleasured himself, since he had come. It had not been a long session, but it had been enough for Alec to go off forever. If he never had sex again, he would remember the feel of Magnus inside him, and it would be enough to come each time.

Their chaste kisses as they recovered were exhausted and messy, Alec’s body still shaking from having someone inside him. He wondered if he would be different now. For so long, he had wondered if sex would change him, and now he had done it, he wondered if he was a different person. But, lying underneath Magnus’ gorgeously naked body with come both in him and on him, he felt the same, just complete.

Magnus kissed him once more and then got up to get a cloth, cleaning Alec up as he lay there, content to be cleaned. His body was also exhausted. After having wanted it for so long and having it taken away from him so often, it had taken so much out of him. He was an exhausted, lazy mess, and he smiled lazily at Magnus as he wiped him down.

“Are you quite happy now?” Magnus asked, discarding the cloth in the bathroom and coming to lie with Alec, bodies naked and entangled.

“Mm,” Alec hummed, tucking up into Magnus’ side, resting his head on Magnus’ chest. “Are you?”

“Very.”

Alec was glad.


	24. Wants Continuously Answered

Magnus awoke with aching hips, but his body was the most satisfied it had been in a long while. After so long of not giving himself what he wanted, he had finally allowed it to happen, and his body was thanking him for it. It was such a good ache, Magnus thought, one that made him happy for he remembered where it came from.

This beautiful boy was lying next to him, half on him. His hair was messy and his lips were parted, and his was this natural vision, this Adonis who had gifted his time to Magnus. He watched him for a moment, in awe.

In reality, he could have stayed there all day, watching Alec be peaceful in his slumber, but that would be a suspicious place to be caught in, and Magnus thought he should get up. Really, he was surprised Alec hadn’t woken first, but Magnus thought that had something to do with what they had done last night, and it was sweet. Magnus kissed him on the forehead before he covered him up with the sheet and went to the bathroom.

Part of him did not want to wash last night off for it meant far too much to him. To have Alec as he had him last night, where he had given over to his lust and he had been this naked creature of desire, it had been sensational. Magnus had him bare, and not only in the literal sense, but in a sense where Alec had let him see him, what he wanted, what he liked. Magnus had made love to another version of Alec, and Magnus loved that version of Alec as he loved all versions of Alec. And Alec had given himself over to Magnus, and Magnus, he hoped, had given Alec everything he wanted.

He washed and dried himself, and then stood in the doorway with a towel around his waist, Alec still asleep. His pale limbs were sprawled out across the bed, dark hair contrasting with the white sheets, a halo around him.

Magnus dressed and then sat on the edge of the bed, stroking through Alec’s locks until he stirred. He woke slowly, eyes fluttering open, long eyelashes moving back and forth as he rose. He smiled lazily, and Magnus’ heart melted in his chest.

“Good morning,” Magnus greeted, Alec rolling onto his back and wincing. Magnus winced as well. “Are you okay?”

“A little sore,” Alec said. “Just a little sore.”

“Sorry,” Magnus said, unsure what else he could say. It was his fault, in a way, Alec was feeling that way.

“It’s okay,” Alec said, smiling at him, adjusting his position again and wincing once more. “I mean, it’s not the best. But, somehow, I will manage. Maybe I just won’t sit down today.”

Magnus laughed, leaning down and kissing Alec on the forehead. “I’ll go down for breakfast. You can shower.”

“Have you already showered?” Alec asked, sitting up, wincing, and shifting until he found a comfortable position, the sheet falling around him.

Magnus nodded.

“You’ve been up for that long?” Alec asked, Magnus nodding again. “How did I sleep through that?”

“It’s probably because of something that happened last night,” Magnus said, kissing Alec gently on the lips when he blushed and smiled. “I’ll meet you downstairs, okay?”

Alec nodded, standing and grabbing the sheet to cover himself as he made his way to the bathroom, Magnus smiling at him as he went.

When Magnus came downstairs, he found his friends stood around in the hallway. They were waiting to be called for breakfast, Magnus presumed, and he bid them good morning as he waited as well. He ignored Jace’s piercing stare and attempted to join the conversation.

“Are you and Alec fucking?” Jace asked, cutting through the conversation Magnus had attempted to join with Jem and Will.

Will, Jem, and Tessa looked at Magnus as Jace stared through him. If he was honest, Magnus had never believed Jace to be so judgemental. Sure, Magnus had never told Jace he liked men and that he had been with men, but he had never expected him to be like this.

“Did you talk to him?” Magnus asked Jem, ignoring the question and stares for a moment.

“I did,” Jem replied. “But he did not seem all that interested in talking about it with me.”

Magnus nodded, taking a breath before he looked to Jace again. “Would you be bothered if we were?”

Jace seemed to hesitate, and Magnus rather wished this conversation hadn’t been held in front of Will and Tessa as well, though they likely knew anyway with the way Magnus and Alec behaved around each other.

“I don’t think so,” Jace answered.

“You don’t think so?” Magnus repeated.

“It’s… new, I suppose.”

“I’ve been with men before,” Magnus said, hoping Maryse or Max didn’t walk in and overhear their conversation. This was not the way, Magnus was sure, Alec would want his family to hear their son liked men. Alec, if he even wanted to, should tell them himself. It should not be revealed by a conversation in the middle of a hallway.

“Does that mean you are?” Jace asked. “With Alec, I mean.”

Magnus wasn’t sure how to answer. Alec didn’t want anyone to know, he barely even wanted Magnus to know at times. Magnus wasn’t sure if he was meant to say anything, but silence didn’t seem a good answer either.

“I would just like to know if it would bother you if we were,” Magnus said, perhaps stalling for time to answer the actual question.

Jace paused, jaw set. “Why wouldn’t you just tell us if you were?”

“Maybe, for this exact reason,” Magnus said, swallowing. He was sure there was a bubbling anger in him then, because why should it matter? Who were they affecting? Why did Jace even care?

“I don’t care if you are,” Jace said, maybe flustered, maybe frustrated as well. “But-.”

“But what?” Magnus asked, not wanting to argue with Jace, but feeling he was about to. Jem put his hand on his arm, reassuring him. Alec was dear to him, and Magnus would not hear anything said about their relationship. He was almost protective of it, he found.

“But you’ve kept it a secret from us. Well, from all of us except Jem.”

“So, your pride is hurt?”

Jace went to say something else but was cut off by Tessa.

“I think, maybe, this is getting a little personal,” she said, smiling.

“Is it not personal?” Magnus asked. “For him to be asking about a relationship of mine. I think that’s very personal.”

Jem squeezed his arm reassuringly. “None of us would your relationship with Jace to be fractured over this.”

Magnus did not answer, and neither did Jace.

“And none of us think anything of your relationship with Alec,” Will said.

“Which you all knew about anyway?” Magnus asked.

“A little,” Tessa said, smiling at him. “And-.”

Tessa went to say more, but there were footsteps on the stairs. His Alexander appeared, glancing with a furrowed brow at Jem holding Magnus’ arm, which he dropped when he saw Alec looking. He smiled at everyone, totally unaware they all knew this thing Alec didn’t want them to know.

“What are we talking about?” Alec asked, coming to stand next to Jem, everyone trying to pretend they weren’t talking about him and his relationship with Magnus.

“Whether we were going to the river or the beach today,” Jem answered, casually as anything, barely a beat passing.

“Oh, okay.” Alec smiled, and they were finally called through for breakfast.

Magnus ignored all the tension in his body as he ate, ignoring the looks Jace sent them both. Beside him, Alec sat delicately, completely unaware of what had happened a mere few moments before. None of them were passing judgement, Magnus thought, not even Jace seemed to really care, his pride was just bruised because Magnus had not told him first. But Alec was still dealing with it, and Magnus thought he should have all the time in the world to deal with it in his own time.

It was an awfully complicated situation and, after everything had been so beautiful last night, Magnus had really thought it would be simple after that. Apparently not.

After they ate, Magnus told Alec he would be a minute and followed Jace up and into his room.

“What?” Jace asked, crossing his arms.

“Are you honestly angry because I didn’t tell you Alexander and I were, I don’t know, whatever we are?” Magnus asked, shutting the door behind him so no one else would hear what was going on.

“I don’t care if you have sex with guys sometimes, Magnus,” Jace said.

Magnus sighed. “Your ego really gets in the way of things.”

“I’m aware.”

“We didn’t tell anyone because Alec is still dealing with it.”

“Then why did you tell Jem?”

“We didn’t. Jem just knows everything,” Magnus said. “Stop being so pathetic, Jace. It’s not pretty.” Magnus knew he was, perhaps, being a little harsh, but that was the only way to get through to Jace sometimes.

Jace shrugged. “Sorry.”

Magnus nodded and went to open the door so they might forget about this and go swimming.

“If you want to be public about it,” Jace said. “None of us would think anything of it.”

“Thank you,” Magnus said. “But Alec is the one who would need convincing that that was okay.”

Jace nodded.

“But, thank you,” Magnus repeated, for he meant it.

When they went swimming at the river, Magnus kept to Alec’s side, feeling a little awful when he kept wincing, but also finding it a little humorous.

They swam for hours, absorbing each other’s company and absorbing the sun. Their time was, gradually, coming to an end. They would not be in each other’s company for much longer, and Magnus did not know what he would become when they had to say goodbye. And so, to avoid thinking about that very real reality, he spent time with Alec and engrained his smile into his memory forever.

When the two of them bathed in the sun, Magnus constantly kept glancing over to Alec’s pale body, remembering how he had tasted and felt last night. He would keep these memories to his chest forever for they would keep him company on his lonesome nights.

Alec sat up and stretched, and Magnus watched his long limbs dappled in light from the sun. He was this beautiful vision, all limbs and pale skin, an angel underneath the sun.

Part of Magnus wanted to tell him something then, something he knew he felt and that he wanted Alec to know. He felt it in his bones, and his heart swelled when he looked at him. There was an elation to his entire being when he was in his presence, and it would be so easy to just say it and let Alec know how he felt.

But another part of him held back. It had been a summer, a few wonderful weeks together. It wasn’t time to say it, and Magnus knew that. He held back, and just smiled when Alec looked back his way.

“What are we doing after dinner?” Alec asked, leaning back on his hands, Magnus admiring the curve of his spine.

“No idea,” Magnus said.

“Am I allowed in your room again tonight?”

Magnus laughed through his nose. “Would you be able to manage it?”

Alec looked back, slowly, and glared at Magnus. Given the way he was sitting, he hadn’t fully recovered yet, but Magnus wasn’t going to pass up another opportunity. Not with how long they had together, and not with how much he wanted Alec every second of every day.

“I think I will, thank you very much,” Alec said, reaching down and shoving Magnus’ shoulder, though he was beginning to smile. “But, am I allowed?”

“Of course.” Magnus smiled, glad when Alec smiled back.

He waited a moment when Alec went back to the river. He watched him swim and chat with the others. To be apart from him for a second was to shatter his heart into pieces, and Magnus did not know how he was going to cope when he had to leave. He had forgotten about home, about who was there during these weeks, and he would have to return to it with a large chunk of his heart here, in Italy, with Alec. A part of him would remain here forever, and Magnus wasn’t sure how he would cope with that part missing.

As Alec was still available to talk to, Magnus stood up and stopped moping. They still had time, and Magnus really wanted to enjoy their time together. Sure, it was going to end, but it didn’t have to end now. It was still beautiful, and it was going to be beautiful until it ended.

Throughout the entire day, Magnus absorbed Alec’s company. He engrained his voice and his smile and his laugh and his eyes into his mind, and he knew he would remember them forever. Not only was Magnus leaving a part of him here, he felt he was taking a part of Alec with him. And he would cherish that piece for the rest of his life, hoping it didn’t make him feel guilt or sadness when they were parted.

During dinner, Magnus kept his leg touching Alec’s, their bare feet touching. Alec placed the flat of his foot on top of Magnus’, making sure every inch of their bodies that could touch, were touching. It was warm and there were so many people around, but Magnus felt as though it were just Alec and him. It was their world, and Magnus never wanted to forget this feeling.

When they played poker that night, Magnus lost admirably because his concentration was on Alec who was trying to learn the rules and failing, trying again this time because he had Magnus’ favour, actually trying to learn and not trying to escape. He was still failing, however. He was not a gifted liar, and Magnus knew that from how obvious Alec had been in their first few weeks. And, unfortunately, it didn’t translate well to poker, and he lost over and over. It didn’t matter much, really, because Magnus was losing again and again. Magnus was in happy company.

“I am going to miss playing poker in this gorgeous place,” Will said, folding and sighing in his chair.

“We still have a fair few days left,” Jem said, keeping his cards close to his chest, a better liar than Magnus would have thought. “Let’s not get too reminiscent, yet.”

Will shrugged, and Magnus was glad he did not push it. He did not need anyone else reminding him their time here was almost over.

Thankfully, they went up to bed after another couple of games, neither Alec nor Magnus invested in the game. Sure, they both liked to spend time with the others, but they wanted to be alone. Alone was where they were safest, Magnus knew that was what Alec felt.

They went their separate ways into their own rooms to ready for bed, and Magnus stripped to his underwear and brought out a cigarette. A few inhales in, and Alec knocked on the door from the bathroom.

Magnus went to it and opened it for him, smiling at Alec, wearing nothing but his own underwear, his pale skin on show everywhere. Alec took the cigarette from Magnus’ mouth and came into the room, Magnus shutting the door behind him. Alec went to the middle of the room, leaning against the foot of the bed as he inhaled Magnus’ cigarette into his lungs.

Admiring him for a moment, perched on the foot of the bed, lithe body angled, Magnus paused where he was. It made him swallow, hoping Alec didn’t notice, for he felt so obvious when Alec picked things up about him. He didn’t particularly mind, because he liked knowing Alec was watching him and that he studied him, but he liked not feeling so obvious about how he was feeling. He had always thought he was a subtle person when it came to his feelings, but that appeared not to be the case.

Magnus joined him, leaning on the back of the bed and taking the cigarette when Alec offered it to him, inhaling it deep into his lungs, taking pleasure in the knowledge that Alec’s lips had been around it moments before. He could feel Alec’s eyes on him, watching his every move, and he lapped up the attention.

“Was I noisy?” Alec asked, quiet as the night around them, taking the cigarette again.

Magnus shrugged. “A little, I suppose.”

Alec tutted. “The walls are so thin here.”

“I don’t think it would be enough to notify anybody.” It was a lie. Alec was very noisy. But Magnus felt no shame in that, and he didn’t think anybody had really noticed, but sure, if people were listening they would have heard him. Magnus didn’t care. He had been able to pull those noises from his throat and that was a satisfying feeling.

Alec made an unsatisfied hum.

“Sometimes it’s difficult to stop being noisy when you’re that way inclined,” Magnus offered, hoping he felt some sort of support from it.

Alec took the last drag of the cigarette and went over to the desk to snub it out on the tray there. Then he made his way back over to Magnus, standing directly in front of him and waiting. Magnus waited as well, liking to push Alec to his limits before he just outright said what he wanted.

“Will you make love to me?” Alec asked, quiet, almost unsure.

“I would love to,” Magnus said, reaching out and taking Alec by the hips, pulling his body closer. He wanted it slower this time, he wanted to take his time learning Alec’s body. Of course, he had loved being consumed by his passion, but he wanted to learn Alec, and he wanted Alec to learn him as well. That took time and, whilst they didn’t have much, they had enough.

Alec kissed him slowly, his lips tasting of summer and sugar. Magnus breathed him in, smelling those things as well, filling his lungs with him. His lips were soft, exploring as he figured out just how to kiss, testing his tongue, working out what he liked, what Magnus liked.

They took their time, Alec kissing Magnus over and over, Magnus happy to oblige. His wet lips were the tastiest thing in the world, Magnus could kiss them all day. Magnus gripped onto Alec’s hips, keeping their bodies aligned, Alec letting his own touch his chest and stomach, feeling him out. He hadn’t been able to do so much of that last night, the want too consuming, but he could now, and he was letting his hands touch as much of Magnus as they could, Magnus letting him do as he pleased.

When Alec nipped into Magnus’ bottom lips, he broke them apart, all smiles and bright eyes. Magnus could have kissed him into oblivion just there, but they both wanted more.

Alec took one of Magnus’ hands, picking up the bottle of oil Magnus had left on the desk, and then let Magnus lie on the bed. He wondered if Alec was going to be inside him instead tonight, but he didn’t think that was, ultimately, going to be the case. Alec had virtually no idea what he was doing, and he had rather enjoyed how it played last night. Magnus was comfortable with either way, but he thought Alec might prefer being made love to, not the other way around.

Alec settled himself on top of Magnus, knees either side of him. Magnus wasn’t sure if he knew just how much effort this was going to take on his part, but he wasn’t complaining. Alec, on top of him, it was not an awful place to be.

He handed the oil over, Magnus laughing through his nose at the gesture. He wouldn’t need stretching, but Magnus wouldn’t ever have sex dry, it just wasn’t a pleasant feeling. And so much of him wanted to make Alec feel good in every way, and he wanted his body to feel good. And that required lubricant of some kind.

Without an ounce of shame, Alec shuffled to remove his underwear, revealing his slowly swelling cock. It made Magnus hum, and he stretched a hand up to rub Alec a few times, revelling in Alec’s gasps at the attention.

“Let me kiss you,” Magnus said, Alec leaning down, Magnus still touching Alec’s length.

He ravished their kiss this time, ravishing his lips and kissing him until their lips swelled. He swallowed Alec’s gasps down his throat and let their lust consume them.

When they broke apart, Magnus could still taste him on his lips, and he rid himself of his underwear to ravish Alec further. Alec could touch Magnus this time, and he let him. Alec ran his hands over Magnus’ body, touching his chest and stomach, trailing down to run his hands along Magnus’ swollen length. Magnus hummed into his touch, into Alec’s adoring hands as they moved up and down Magnus, learning him and his long, curved cock.

Magnus passed the oil back to him, Alec confused at the motion.

“Rub it on me,” Magnus explained, gently, Alec showing his understanding with a quick nod.

He took it from him and, instead of pouring it over his hands, he poured it over Magnus’ cock. It was sloppy, it would likely leave a mess everywhere, and it wasn’t the usual way to do it, but when Alec started rubbing him up and down, it was instantly worth it.

It still felt sloppy, but it was a wonderfully wet feeling, and Alec, although a novice, figured out what was good quickly. His fingers were delicate but adoring, and he worked his wrists, gently twisting and turning. Magnus felt loved and worshipped, Alec doting everything he had upon him, Magnus happy to be touched.

He had to stop Alec in the end, for Alec appeared to be content to stay there and work at Magnus until they both climaxed. They adjusted their position, Alec perched above him as Magnus found his opening and pressed his cock into him. There was a moment or two of shuffling, of working out a perfect position for them both, and then they were moving against each other.

It became apparent, Magnus believed, that Alec finally realised how much work it was going to take for him, sat like this, working his thighs, but he wasn’t complaining. He planted his hands on Magnus’ chest, and Magnus secured his hands to his hips, helping him find his rhythm.

Magnus was fully inside him most of the time, but Alec’s youth and lithe body allowed him to work his thighs, taking Magnus inside him. Magnus filled him, feeling Alec around him, still tight, but being worked open with each thrust.

Alec was still young and new to this, and Magnus wasn’t expecting him to last for long. It was still sensational to have Alec there, to be inside him and to fill him over and over. His opening contracted around him, his young body unused to the sensations coursing through his novice body. He let little moans and whimpers escape his throat, his hands spread across Magnus’ chest, touching him, fucking him.

They found a rhythm, Alec working himself hard to fulfil both his and Magnus’ desires. They were sweating, Alec’s throat working as hard as his thighs, head bowed. Magnus wanted to kiss him, but he couldn’t like this and, instead, he watched this beautiful Angel as he bounced up and down, hungry and wanting Magnus in every possible way.

He was sure his fingertips might bruise him with how hard he was grabbing Alec’s hips, but neither seemed bothered. Alec was moving up and down, taking Magnus inside him, letting him fill him till he could take no more. Magnus felt Alec around him, felt his warm walls, felt how wet his cock was inside him, and it was incredible. This beautiful creature had gifted his love to Magnus, and Magnus lapped up every ounce of attention Alec gave him.

Their regular rhythm did not last long, Alec fucking down over and over, letting Magnus fill him. Magnus did little of the work, and he felt some guilt that he was letting Alec put in most of the effort during his second time having sex, but Alec had wanted it. And he wasn’t doing a terrible job.

Magnus reached to touch his cock, rubbing his length up and down until he spurted over Magnus’ stomach. He moaned Magnus’ name, as gently as he likely could, and came in his thick loads. Magnus encouraged every ounce of his semen out of him, working his cock as he came. It was hot and heavy, and Magnus lavished in the feeling of being covered in Alec’s seed.

His orgasm made his opening contract, and it send such wild sensations through Magnus’ body as his hole grew tight around him. With a few more, erratic thrusts, he was coming as well, filling Alec. Alec hummed as he felt Magnus spill into him, dripping out of him.

Magnus thrust up into him again and again, body shaking as he emptied himself into Alec. Alec let him, body exhausted, head bowed and dark hair covering him.

It was Magnus, again, who had to clean them up. Alec practically collapsed onto the bed when Magnus moved, letting Alec kiss him messily as his breathing recovered. He wiped himself first, removing Alec’s come from his stomach and wiping down his soft cock before he went to Alec. He was still lying on his front, no longer panting but still exhausted. Magnus bit back at his chuckles as he wiped down Alec’s thighs and, tenderly, his cheeks, not wanting to touch him too much for he would be sensitive now.

Alec hummed gently, letting Magnus touch him and clean him. Magnus then collapsed down next to him, pulling Alec towards him as they settled down to sleep. The night was theirs, though, in the back of Magnus’ mind, he thought about how it would not be theirs for much longer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're over halfway through the story now, and I am so thankful for everyone's support. I really hope you all continue enjoying the story, and thank you all for reading x


	25. It's on the Horizon

Alec could barely hold onto the remaining days. The day after they had had sex again, they had spent it trimming the trees and then swimming at the ocean. Part of Alec had wanted to take Magnus to his spot again, maybe make love with him there, in the open, but they hadn’t had the time to do that. And the day had leapt through Alec’s fingers and they were making love on Magnus’ bed again, Alec collapsing and being cleaned by Magnus before they fell asleep, bodies entangled.

The day after, it had been raining during the morning and the ground had been too wet to do much. It had kept them inside for the morning and afternoon, playing cards. Alec wanted to lounge over Magnus, lie across him and on him, but he could not. They read, Alec leaning on Magnus’ shoulder, but not doing any more.

The evening was nice enough for a walk on the beach, but Alec wanted to hold Magnus’ hand, and yet he could not. The time was slipping through his fingers, and Alec wanted to hold it to his chest, but he could not, and no amount of grabbing was slowing it down.

They made love again that night, making up for lost time. Alec tried to last longer each time, he tried to learn his own body and Magnus’. He wanted this to last, because nothing else was lasting.

Alec awoke the next morning, counting down the seconds. They had so few days left together, Alec wished he had paid more attention when Magnus arrived. He clung to Magnus, as he did every night, holding him because he had not done so when he should have. He held his body close, touching him and being touched by him. Their bodies were entangled and Alec did not want it to ever end.

Eventually, Magnus rose and they had breakfast and they decided they would go to the beach again. The weather was beginning its turbulent nature, the winds picking up. The beach was much easier to get to, and, if there was a sudden rain, getting back to the villa from the beach was a lot easier than getting back from the river.

Before they went down, he found himself waiting in the hallway with Jace. They had not become the closest of friends, and he felt an odder tension than ever with him over the last week or so. He wasn’t sure if he had done something wrong or if they were just destined to never be friends, but he usually made more of a connection with the guests than he had with Jace. But his feelings over Magnus leaving him soon were consuming anything else he might have felt towards Jace.

“Hey,” Jace greeted, the silence having lasted a few solid minutes. Alec smiled his response, confused, wanting Magnus to come downstairs and save him from this. “You and Magnus are fucking, right?”

Alec choked on the air, shocked at both his words and his particular word choice. “What? Why would you…? That’s not… We’re not… I, uh, no, that’s, why would you think…? What-.”

“He told us,” Jace said.

Alec choked again. “He told you?”

“Well, I asked,” Jace said. “We had a talk about it.”

Alec swallowed the lump in his throat, his throat closing. He wasn’t entirely sure what to say. He didn’t know who else knew, but he was not happy about the revelation.

“I just wanted to let you know,” Jace began, shifting his weight between his feet. “If you wanted to, I don’t know, kiss him or hold his hand or whatever, none of us would mind.”

“Who is ‘us’?”

“Tessa, Will, and Jem. Though, Jem already knew, right?” Jace asked, Alec nodding once. “I just wanted you to know.”

“My family don’t know,” Alec answered. “I couldn’t…”

Jace nodded. “Okay.”

Alec wasn’t sure if he was meant to say more, but he didn’t. Tessa and Will came down next, Jem and Magnus following not long after. Alec did not want to think about how everyone in the vicinity knew about his relationship, but he shrugged it off, giving them his best smile and following them down to the beach.

It was quieter than usual. There was only one other couple on the beach, seemingly asleep. It was coming to the end of summer, anyone who came here for vacation was likely gone, and anyone who stayed here long term was making plans for the fall. Alec tried not to think about the seasons changing, though he did note the drop in temperature.

His sister was not here, she had gone off with Simon because it was Simon’s last day in Italy. It was instilling a little confidence in himself, in maybe being affectionate with Magnus in public, but Clary was here with Jace. Sure, the others knew, but Clary didn’t. Jace hadn’t told her, which Alec was thankful for. But, he could trust Clary, couldn’t he? Maybe, maybe not. His mind was all over the place because Magnus had so few days here, and it was consuming his thoughts when all he really wanted was spend every second in his company.

After a lazy swim in the shallows, Magnus and Alec were lying on towels, attempting to avoid touching the sand but failing, for sand would find you anywhere. They were close. Alec could feel Magnus’ hand against his own, brushing skin where they were lying so close. It would take nothing to reach over a few inches and connect their fingers. It wouldn’t even look like anything to those who passed, and the two others on the beach were still asleep in the sun. It would be easy.

He did it. Mustering the courage from somewhere, Alec reached over the few inches it took to connect their hands and linked their fingers. He pretended he was confident, and felt so relieved when Magnus secured their hands, closing his fingers around Alec’s.

“You okay?” Magnus asked.

Alec did not look at him but nodded, hoping Magnus was watching him to see his response. There was a wealth of sadness within his body, and he gripped onto Magnus’ hand as though it might stop time from passing.

“Will you write to me?” Alec asked. Neither of them acknowledged what was coming, neither of them ever spoke about it. This was, in a way, voicing it, but not fully. It was only a question, it didn’t have to mean what it really meant, it could just be a question.

“Of course I will,” Magnus replied. “You just need to let me know where to address it.”

“Okay.” Alec did not want to say any more. It was enough. They could carry on pretending nothing was happening. It was the only sure way Alec knew how to cope.

His heart ached. Alec knew, deep down, his heart would forever ache. Magnus had claimed his heart, and he had given it to Magnus in full. He was sure you were never meant to give one person your heart, but Alec was young and new to this, and Magnus had claimed his heart with ease. He knew Magnus would have it forever now.

Or, maybe, that was another of his juvenile thoughts. Maybe Magnus did only have a piece of his heart and, because it was the first time he had ever given someone his heart, it felt like more than it was. Alec wasn’t entirely sure. He just knew he ached, that his heart felt like it was going to ache forever, that his lips would taste like Magnus’, that his lungs would only ever want Magnus within them. He had been changed this summer, and he knew he would not go back.

It was painful and it made him ache, but he knew what it felt like to be desired, to be touched by the one person he wanted more than anything else. Pain might be worth that knowledge, Alec thought, in the long run. Right now, he ached, and it wasn’t even over yet.

When Will came over to dry off, Alec almost instinctively went to pull away from their connected hands. But he restrained himself and kept their hands connected. He didn’t look to see if Will noticed their hands, if he made a face or did anything at all. He continued to look up at the sky and held Magnus’ hand, for he had never done it like this before and he was not ready to stop.

“I got a letter from Charlotte this morning,” Will said, likely to Magnus for Alec did not know who Charlotte was. In reality, he didn’t know much about any of their lives back home, and he wasn’t sure if he wanted to. Who they were at home could be someone completely different to who they were here. Their lives at home were not Alec’s business he thought and, whilst he had given his heart to Magnus, and was sure he had part of Magnus’ as well, maybe he should know more about Magnus, but he didn’t need to. He knew as much of Magnus in this world as he could, as he needed to, and he adored every part of him.

“Is something wrong?” Magnus asked, and Alec glanced at Will, rubbing his hair dry before he sat next to Magnus. He said nothing about their hands. Perhaps Jace had given them a small gift, and Alec wished Jace had gifted it to them sooner, but wishes were a juvenile thing, Alec felt, and he did not see the point in wishing for something that had already happened to have happened differently.

“She didn’t write anything specific, but she said something about Henry,” Will said. “Something about him needing a new wheelchair.”

“A _new_ one?” Magnus asked, and Alec had no idea what insight into their lives he was getting, but it was something. Alec didn’t know who these people were, and he stayed quiet politely, not prying into their lives. “When did he get an old one?”

“I am thinking the same thing,” Will said. “Maybe she wrote it in another letter. I don’t know. I think we might be in for a shock when we get back.”

“Did she say he was okay?”

“That’s the weird thing, she barely mentioned anything being wrong. It was a P.S. She literally went, ‘P.S. Henry needs a new wheelchair, and it’s causing a real headache.’ I don’t know if I should bother writing back. We’ll probably arrive the same time the letter does, but I am very confused.”

“Do Tess or Jem know anything?”

“Nope.”

“Right…” Magnus paused. “That’s…”

“Yeah.” They sat in silence for a moment, Alec full of questions he did not think he could ask. Then Will said, “The car’s coming at eleven on Wednesday.”

Alec could have burst into tears. In fact, he was sure, when they were in private, he would start sobbing. It was all becoming so real, so solidified, so concrete. They had barely any days left together, and Alec’s heart was already shattering.

“Okay,” Magnus replied, not saying anything else. They did not speak about the end. They did not speak about what was coming. They did not speak about the reality which awaited on the horizon. They just didn’t.

“Jace was saying we should bring lunch down here, so some of us might pop up and get it-.”

“We’ll go,” Alec said.

“Yeah?” Will asked.

“Sure,” Magnus replied, sensing Alec wanted Magnus alone for a minute. “Shall we go now?”

Alec nodded, breaking their hands apart so he could stand. They bid a short goodbye and went up the steps to the villa. Magnus went to go straight to the kitchen, but Alec took his hand and led him upstairs, not saying anything for his breathing was growing short and his throat was growing tight.

They went into Alec’s room and, after making sure the door was shut behind them, Alec pressed his face into Magnus’ neck and hugged him tight. He wrapped his arms as tight around Magnus as they would go, trying to calm his breathing, though it grew weaker now they were alone. When Magnus wrapped his arms around Alec, his defence broke, and he started sobbing.

There was no point in trying to control this, and he didn’t even try. He sobbed into Magnus, being held by him, soothing him. It was a small comfort, for all Alec could think of was how Magnus would not be able to hold him in a few days’ time, and that was breaking his heart further.

Magnus hushed him gently, kissing into his hair, squeezing his arms around him. His breathing was weak, and his tears were many. His heart lay in unmatchable pieces, and everything felt worthless. The summer had been wonderful and grand and beautiful, but it was coming to its end, and it was the last thing Alec wanted. His mother always said he got too attached to their guests, and it had been no different this year.

“Alexander,” Magnus soothed, reaching a hand to Alec’s hair, stroking through the locks. “It’s okay. It’s okay.”

“I don’t want you to go,” Alec said.

Magnus did not reply, he just squeezed Alec tighter, kissing into his hair again. It was enough, for the moment, but Alec knew he would be inconsolable when Magnus left. And then he thought about Magnus leaving again, and it made him cry harder.

It took Alec a good ten minutes to calm down, though he kept himself attached to Magnus, hugging him and being soothed by him. His body and mind were exhausted, and he wanted to stay here forever. But he couldn’t. Life was moving on, and no amount of weeping was going to keep it stationary. It made Alec sadder, but he had to keep moving.

They made lunch together, Alec still sniffling and needing constant hugs and hand holding from Magnus. Alec was glad Bridget was doing other things, because he was sure he would not be able to contain himself now. He needed to touch him and be near him, and he would not restrain himself from making that happen.

Before they went back to the beach, Magnus took Alec’s hands and held him where he was, smiling at him. It went straight through his heart, and Alec bit his lip to stop himself from crying some more.

They kissed gently, Alec trying not to cry. He could get through this, he was sure. Somehow, he would manage.

Back at the beach, they called the others over and started to eat. Alec didn’t care if they were watched anymore, and he leant on Magnus as he ate, smiling at him. He did not care if his eyes were red or if it had been obvious he had been crying, he was going to absorb Magnus’ company until the very last second.

No one made any comment anyway, as they touched each other. They weren’t being too touchy, about as much as Jace and Clary were, and Alec didn’t care. His heart was here, with Magnus, and he ached every time he thought about how apart they were going to grow.

But, as ever, the time slipped through his fingers. The afternoons were growing cool, and they made their way back up the villa when the ocean breeze got a touch too cold. Alec and Magnus held hands up the steps.

During dinner, Alec was not so public because his family were there, but they kept their legs together, Magnus touching his thigh when he could. It was these little moments Alec would remember forever. On nights, when he felt alone and empty, when his heart would ache for someone who held him and touched him and kissed him, he would remember being able to touch him at dinner, and remember Magnus touching him at dinner. Alec hoped it was enough to satisfy him, but he couldn’t know for sure until he was living it. Right now, he was just wondering and hoping, and he knew nothing for certain.

For the first part of the evening, Maryse and Robert joined them in the living room. They watched some television and spoke about their summer, their plans for when they got back. Alec learnt then, for the first time, what they all did for a living, though, of course, Jace was still at school.

However, even the thought of what they did for a living made Alec remember they had lives to return to, maybe even people to return to. There would be people at home that got to spend months and months with Magnus, people Magnus was likely interested in. He had a life outside of this villa, as Alec did, but Alec was envious of every person who got to be with Magnus, who got to spend time with him and talk to him. There were people who were integrated into his life, who got to see him regularly, and Alec wondered what that life might be like.

Part of Alec was hopeful they might have something when this summer was over, that they might be able to continue this in some fashion. Just because they weren’t still in Italy, it didn’t mean their relationship had to end. Alec would be going back to California to stay with his father where he was teaching that year, and how far was California from New York really? It was a shorter distance than Italy to New York. That had to be something.

Deep down, Alec knew he was clinging to a lost hope. There was no way to keep up their relationship if they were in two different states, Alec knew that. This was to be kept here, in Italy. It wasn’t going to be the same elsewhere, and Alec didn’t know how to cope with that information.

When Maryse and Robert left, Alec rested his head on Magnus’ shoulder, sighing. Magnus wrapped an arm around him, neither of them bothered now because of the fact everyone knew and because their hearts were aching. To be near each other was to be complete. To touch each other was to have their shattered hearts mended. Alec knew he would be a broken mess when Magnus left, and he needed to feel as complete as possible whilst he could, by touching and having Magnus near.

No one else commented, again, and, even though Clary was still there and she didn’t know the truth exactly and no one had told her in exact words, Alec didn’t care. Maybe she did know. If everyone else had guessed because they were the least discreet people could be, then she might know. Alec, in all honesty, did not care. Magnus was still his for a few more days, and Alec needed to make the most of the that, of every second they were each other’s.

After another hour or so, Alec moved around so his head was in Magnus’ lap. It might not be a particularly intimate position, and Alec had only thought of it because he had seen Will do it in Tessa’s lap a few days ago, but it was enough. Magnus played with his hair as they chatted into the night, and Alec felt comforted in a serene way. There was nothing more Alec wanted than to be here, forever, with people he relatively trusted.

They stayed there for hours, Jem getting them some drinks when they needed it. Alec didn’t have anything because he did not want to move from Magnus’ lap. Magnus said nothing about the position, he just adjusted to it, accepting it and touching Alec where he could. He played with his hair for hours and rested his other hand on Alec’s chest where Alec could hold it, pressing his hand into his body. He linked their fingers and held him near. He wanted to anchor him here forever.

When the others started to drift off to bed, Magnus squeezed Alec’s hand and took him upstairs as well. They did not bump into any of his family members, and Alec thanked Raziel. He had been unkind in their first few weeks, but Raziel was making up for it, Alec thought, by letting them be affectionate in public. It was a small victory, Alec felt, a small gift for weeks of pain.

They made love lazily that night, all kissing and rutting. They made love like two people clinging to each other, desperate to make it last, to make everything last and time stop. They were two people who loved each other and could not bear to be parted, and yet the world would force them that way. They clung to each other and they kissed and held each other, desperate and adoring, exhausting but worthwhile. They were two bodies made one, desirous creatures of the night who thrived together and were broken when apart.

Alec let himself be cleaned by Magnus again. There was a routine to it, Alec felt, and he liked being taken care of by Magnus. When he touched him, it was gentle and loving, and he held him like he wanted no one else in the world. Alec hoped that was the case, but he had no idea what was going on in Magnus’ life outside of this bubble in Italy.

As ever, they curled up together, bodies exhausted as they fell asleep, yet another day down, closer to the night when they would sleep separately. Alec pretended he did not shed a few, silent tears that night, falling asleep with his heart beginning to break.

And, the next morning, he would pretend he could get through this, and that he was not constantly thinking of their few moments left together. But it was always on his mind, and his heart was in shatters.


	26. It is Dawning

They were leaving tomorrow. They had one, last full day together before… before whatever happened next. Magnus didn’t even want to think about what was coming next. The world, out there, not here in this beautiful piece of Italy, it was different now. He had not expected to be so altered by these six weeks in Italy, but he had. He was a different person, his mind had been changed, his heart had been changed, and he didn’t know what the world held for him when he returned.

Magnus awoke with his heart smashed into pieces. Alec was there, on his chest, sleeping. He could feel his anticipation whenever they were together. He felt his own as well as Alec’s, and it was worsening his mood even further.

He would have to pack today. The life he had made here for six weeks, the things he had gathered, the memories he had accumulated, they would have to be packed and gathered. It was time for things to move on, and Magnus could not think of anything worse.

Sure, there was a wonderful life for him to go back to, wonderful people he could see again, but so much of him would be left here. Alec had his heart, he had his life, he had his memories. They were here, and so much of Magnus, he felt, would be missing when he returned to his actual life. There would be chunks of him here, in this beautiful place, and he didn’t know what kind of person he would be when he returned. Leaving these pieces behind, he wondered if he would be the same, if his friends back home would recognise him or notice the changes in him.

If he didn’t get up today, maybe it wouldn’t end. If they stayed in bed all day, maybe they could drag out the remaining hours they had together. There was no way he could do that, for that was an awful way to spend their last day together, but it was his last hope, his last chance to make things feel better, to make things last.

Magnus knew how Alec was feeling as well, because he hadn’t stirred. It was early, early enough for Alec to be up, and he was still here, lying on Magnus. He couldn’t tell if he was still asleep or if he was pretending to be asleep but, either way, it showed Alec was not ready for their time to be up. Neither of them were. They still did not talk about it. It was there, right in front of them, and they dared not mention it. Even though it was real, not talking about it meant they could pretend, for just a moment longer, that things were going to be fine. Maybe they would have to acknowledge it today, when Magnus started packing, but they would keep this up as long as they could, Magnus was sure of it.

When Alec stirred, maybe ten minutes later, Magnus knew he would likely want to stay in bed all day as well. They could pull it off, Magnus thought, if they really tried, if they really wanted to, some part of Magnus thought they could do it. They wouldn’t, because, whilst they adored each other, it wasn’t a logical thing to do. But they could, Magnus was sure.

Neither of them spoke for a while. They were both aware the other was awake, but if they acknowledged that, they would have to get up. Magnus had hoped this day would be nice, that they would make the most of every second they had together, but it was going to be painful, Magnus could feel that.

Eventually, Alec adjusted his position and rested his chin on Magnus’ chest, looking into his eyes. His blue waters were unsure, dejected as well. They were slightly red rimmed, not from crying but from being on the verge. He was biting it back, forcing himself to not cry. Magnus could not even begin to fathom how awful it would feel tomorrow.

Magnus tried a smile, though he knew it was on the weaker side. Alec could not even manage one back, and it broke Magnus’ already shattered heart. Magnus stretched a hand out, stroking through his thick locks and getting them off his face.

His breathing hitched, and Magnus could have cursed Raziel out of the sky for giving him this beautiful boy and then having him snatched away. They had an entire day left, they could focus on that, Magnus had to focus on that or he would never get through the day.

But, somehow, Alec bit back the tears and he did not let them fall. Magnus was sure it would be a different case tomorrow, but that was a day away. They still had today. They still had today. They still had today.

“Good morning,” Alec greeted, voice shaky, but he still spoke, he still managed the words.

“Good morning,” Magnus replied, cupping his cheek.

“Shower with me,” Alec said, not asking for he knew Magnus would not be able to deny him.

“Okay,” Magnus said, wondering if they were going straight away or if Alec wanted to stay in bed for a moment longer.

It turned out to be the latter. Alec rested his cheek on Magnus’ chest again, and they stayed there for a while longer. Magnus held this boy he adored to his chest, and he hoped Alec knew how much he adored him.

When Alec was ready to stir, he sat up and grabbed Magnus’ hand, leading him into the bathroom. They hadn’t ever showered together before, and Magnus knew he wasn’t doing it to be romantic. He was doing it so they were not parted for even a second. They were going to spend every second of today together, Magnus was sure of it. It was the only way to spend this last day they had together.

As they were already naked, Alec switched on the shower and let the water run. It wasn’t too warm and it wasn’t too cold. Usually, Magnus had had quite cold showers considering the temperatures they were dealing with, but the warm weather was subsiding, and his showers had gotten warmer. He tried not to think about that because, again, it was another symbol their days were ending, and Magnus was trying to think positively in every way possible.

Alec stepped in first, Magnus following not long after. They wet their bodies, standing under the stream to wet their skin before they began washing.

They took their time, and Magnus took the opportunity to wash Alec where he could. He soaped his skin, touching his wet, lithe body, washing him. He touched his pale skin, felt his wet body with his hands, cleaning him, ridding them of their recent session of making love.

Then Alec washed over Magnus’ body, Alec using every opportunity he could to touch Magnus. He rubbed his hands over his skin, soaping him. His hands were gentle and loving, rubbing over Magnus’ chest and then over his back. They were using up a lot of water, but neither thought about that. They were together, and they thought only about that, nothing else mattered.

Magnus kissed Alec before they washed the soap off their bodies, their mouths wet. It was a beautiful kiss though, and Magnus wanted to press their lips together as often as possible today. When would they be able to do this again? Magnus tried not to think about that, but those thoughts kept creeping up on him.

Washing Alec’s hair was a dream, and he worked his fingers through his wet locks lovingly. It was a wonderous sensation, and Magnus would remember the feeling for ages to come. And then, to have Alec running his hands through his own hair, washing him and touching him, it was beautiful. He worked his fingers slowly, running them across his scalp, lovingly and adoringly. It would have sent a shiver down his spine, but the water was warm and Alec was a warm presence, and, instead, it just made him feel wonderful.

They stayed under the stream for a long while, just touching each other and being in the warmth. If Magnus could have made this last forever, he would. To be this vulnerable with another person, to be this on show and to feel safe was a wonder. Magnus didn’t know how many people he had felt this safe with before.

They got dressed in Magnus’ room, not daring to part from each other’s side. Then, when they were dressed, they did not talk but made their way downstairs for breakfast. Magnus wasn’t sure what they had planned for the day, but it couldn’t be too much. They all had to pack their suitcases and gather everything before they left tomorrow. There were things to do today that would solidify their last day here, and Magnus did not want that to feel any more concrete than it already did.

The others seemed a little sad it was their last day here as well, but it was nothing on how Magnus felt. They had not fallen for someone they would not see again. Magnus had thought Jace and Clary might seem downtrodden, but they didn’t, and Magnus was glad when Will asked what would happen when the two of them were parted. He did not, thankfully, direct the question to Magnus and Alec. Maybe he asked them indirectly, maybe it was to help them figure it out discreetly, but Magnus carried on cracking his egg, happily taking the peach juice Alec offered him.

“Well, we both live in Brooklyn,” Clary answered, having been here the night before. “So, I think we’re just going to carry it on. If it works in Brooklyn.”

Jace laughed. “I might get on her nerves in Brooklyn.”

“He gets on my nerves here,” Clary said, smirking.

It did not improve Magnus’ mood. They were lucky. Magnus hated Raziel for a minute, for letting them be together and happy and to be able to continue their love. Magnus and Alec could do nothing. They were living lives that were far too separate, and they couldn’t keep it up. They could try, but Magnus knew long distance would not work with the way they were now, with they way they currently lived, and it was killing him inside.

“And what about you, Izzy?” Jem asked, smiling politely. “Are you and Simon finished now he’s already gone?”

Isabelle shrugged. “He says he’ll call.”

“And you don’t believe him?” Tessa asked.

Isabelle snorted. “We’ll see what happens. I mean, he better, but we’ll see.”

It didn’t make Magnus feel much better. She seemed content with whatever happened. Magnus wasn’t sure if some phone calls to Alec were going to be enough. It wasn’t that their bond wasn’t strong enough, it was more that, if Magnus could not see Alec, he would break, and the prospect of hearing his voice and not seeing him again would tear him into pieces.

They ended up at the swimming pool, not wanting to go too far but still wanting to make something of their last day. The weather was pleasant enough, though the temperature certainly wasn’t at its highest.

Alec and Magnus sat on the edge, dipping their feet into the pool and leaning on each other. They hadn’t spoken much, though neither had said much to anyone during the day so far. It was making their souls ache, and conversation was going to do nothing for them. They just wanted to be together, touching however they could, wondering why the world was as cruel as it was.

With every second that passed, Magnus felt a chunk of his heart breaking. He wasn’t sure how he was going to cope tomorrow. Even though he told himself to not look at the time, to ignore the seconds that went by, he was watching the hours go. He didn’t want to, but he did. He watched the hours slip through his fingers and felt his heart go with them.

Bridget brought them their light lunch and they all ate together. The conversation revolved around plans and their summer and their wonderful memories. Magnus and Alec did not chime in, and no one asked them to. Maybe they sensed how little they wanted to be involved, how they were feeling, their inconsolable sadness. Magnus was sure it was a part of his aura, that anyone who met him would feel and understand what he was feeling. It was a part of his soul now, and Magnus wasn’t sure it would ever leave.

They swam a couple of lengths together, not talking but not leaving each other’s side. Then they stayed in the pool, resting their elbows on the concrete, faces turned up to the sun. Magnus could still feel Alec, their skin brushing. It made him ache, a weight anchored to his heart.

“You promise you’ll write?” Alec asked, the others sunbathing just a way away, making the most of the sun.

Magnus looked at Alec, who had bowed his head, watching the water, chewing his lip. It was such a vision of sadness, Magnus could have cried.

“Of course,” Magnus said. “Of course I will.”

Alec nodded, but his demeanour did not change.

Magnus reached his hand over and squeezed Alec’s arm before he reached up to cup his cheek. Alec turned to face him, his eyes rimmed with red again.

“I’m going to miss you,” Alec said, biting back tears, eyes welling up.

“I’m going to miss you, too,” Magnus said. “I’m going to miss you so much, Alexander.”

Alec nodded, kissing Magnus’ palm. It was enough, Magnus supposed. It was enough of a revelation. There was more Magnus could say, more he wanted to say. But he didn’t. Magnus was sure it would only make things hurt even more when tomorrow arrived.

They swam another few lengths and then got out. Magnus had to pack, and Alec followed him up. They were not going to be parted, not today.

Back in Magnus’ room, Magnus got out his small suitcase and travel bag, and he opened them on his bed. Alec stood, leaning against the door, eyes following Magnus everywhere.

He took his clothes from the wardrobe, took the letters from his desk, took the gifts from the drawers, and he packed them away. He packed away everything, emptying his room bar everything he would need for tonight and tomorrow. He took the note Alec had written the day he had gone to Camille’s and he had taken the dahlia Alec had gifted him, put them between his own book, and packed them in his bag, keeping them safe. It was such a sad and empty sight, to see it rendered how Magnus had come to it and, yet, it felt so different. It was his now, and so much had happened here. He would never look at it as an empty room, but a room full of moments he was leaving behind.

When he was quite finished, maybe an hour or so later, he closed his bags and sat on the bed, gesturing for Alec to join him. He did so instantly, collapsing down next to Magnus, resting his head on his shoulder. Alec released a shaky breath, and Magnus squeezed him closer.

“I don’t know how to do this,” Alec whispered, voice shaking.

“How to do what?” Magnus asked.

“This part,” Alec said, not saying what explicitly, and Magnus sort of understanding what he meant.

Magnus wasn’t great with it either. He hadn’t done much of it in his life, and he was sure, even if you had, you wouldn’t ever be great at it. It had to be different with everybody, and Magnus was sure it didn’t get easier.

“Do you feel like you wasted your summer with me?” Alec asked when Magnus did not reply.

“No,” Magnus answered without hesitating. “I… I have had… I’ve had a wonderful summer, Alexander.”

“Me, too.”

Alec sucked in a breath, and Magnus could practically hear their hearts snapping into pieces. Why did it have to be so painful? Why did something so beautiful have to end like this? Why did the world need to be so cruel?

Yes, they had had an amazing summer, and Magnus had fallen so readily for him, but it ended. Magnus did not want it to end, because it was so painful. He could not cope with this much pain, and he did not want to put Alec through this much pain either. And, yet, here they were.

Alec’s breathing got shakier, and Magnus adjusted his position so he could hug him into his chest. Magnus didn’t know how he hadn’t cried yet, for he had felt this ache in his heart for so long. He was so close to tears, but felt he had to keep his tears at bay. He would have to cry when he got back to New York, not here, when Alec needed him to be stable. Somehow, he was managing it, but it wasn’t making things any easier.

Alec cried himself out, all the way until dinner. It was their last dinner, Magnus forever ticking off the last things he was doing here. Now, it was their last dinner and, after they had eaten, it would be their last time chatting in the living room, maybe drinking, maybe playing cards. Magnus did not want to think about how, that night, it would be their last time making love, and their last time sleeping together in the same bed.

Part of Magnus was saying this could happen again. Maybe Magnus could come back to Italy, maybe they might meet in America. Part of Magnus thought it didn’t have to be the end, that they might meet again sometime.

But, a much larger part of Magnus knew this would be it. If Magnus ever came back, he would be different, Alec would be different. This might have been their perfect time to be together, maybe their only time to be together. It might have aligned perfectly and, if they tried it again, Magnus thought it might not work.

Dinner was as pleasant as ever. They joked, laughed, drank fine wine. Jace was saying goodbye to Clary with this dinner for she had an early morning flight, but they weren’t sombre. They were happy together, they were joyful, hopeful. It was such the contrary to Alec and Magnus, who were breaking further with every second that went by. They were so lucky, and Magnus hoped they made the most of whatever they were going to do together. He hoped they lasted.

And, that evening, they all sat around, drinking. Maryse, Robert, Isabelle, and Max were all in the room, so Alec and Magnus couldn’t be affectionate with each other. Magnus really wanted to spend every second, down here, chatting and being in this wonderful place, but he couldn’t have Alec like he wanted, and so he willed the time to end.

It was enjoyable, and he liked being with these interesting and inspiring people, but his heart was set on alone time with Alec. It was precious, and it was almost over, and he was so relieved when the others started off to bed.

Alec and Magnus did not hesitate when they climbed the stairs together. They went straight to Magnus’ bedroom, and Magnus broke out a cigarette. They smoked slowly, taking their time here because, although they did not have much time, he did not want to rush their last moments together. He would take his time, and he would make love to Alec in the sincerest way he knew how.

As they made love that night, Magnus clung to every second. Alec had started out on top, pushing himself onto Magnus’ cock, slowly, achingly. They moved steadily against each other, bodies made one, bodies unable to let go. This would last until they could not bear it any longer. Magnus could feel it in Alec, feel how much he wanted this to go on, and Magnus would push himself until he could hold on no longer.

Alec contracted his opening over and over, figuring out what Magnus liked, knowing him inch by inch. Magnus knew Alec liked his neck being kissed, he liked Magnus holding his hips, he liked when Magnus played with his hair. And Alec knew what Magnus’ body liked also. Their bodies knew each other, knew what pleasured the other, and they pulled on all those things now, feeling that it was their last time, knowing the end was calling.

Magnus had rolled over when he felt Alec’s body tire, his body aching and yearning for something less strenuous. Alec had locked his legs around Magnus and they had rocked into each other. Alec’s cock begged for attention, but Magnus needed it to last. It was slow, it had to be slow, it had to last, they would both ensure it.

Their bodies tired, shaking with effort and control. Alec was a whimpering mess, his dark locks plastered to his skin, hands clinging to Magnus uselessly. Magnus kissed him where he could, Alec lapping them up but unable to contribute much, and Magnus had touched his weeping cock, giving him the attention he so sorely needed.

He came in quick and heavy loads all over his stomach, spurting everywhere and coating Magnus given how close their bodies had become. He whimpered Magnus’ name as he continued to come, Magnus touching him over and over.

Feeling Alec’s climax, feeling his orgasm pulse through him, it pulled Magnus’ from his cock. He spilled, for the last time, inside Alec’s hole, filling him in his white seed. Alec lapped it up, whimpering again with his used throat, eyes closed and panting. What a vision of beauty Magnus would remember forever.

After some recovery, Magnus got up and cleaned them both, taking his time, touching Alec and loving him in every way possible.

Then they lay there, bodies entangled, balcony doors open. Neither wanted to go to sleep, neither wanted to start their slumber for it would mean, when they awoke, it be the end. If they began to sleep, it was pretty much the end already.

As Magnus lay there, awake with an awake Alec on his chest, Magnus heard music coming through their open doors from some club in the distance. Magnus had often heard music coming through, but this was the first time he had paid attention.

Kissing Alec on the forehead, he sat up and dressed, Alec watching, confused. When Magnus made a gesture to follow, he dressed as well anyway and followed Magnus out onto the balcony.

As Magnus figured out the tune, he took Alec’s hands and guided them to where they should rest, then he started to dance. Alec did as he was shown but still seemed confused, listening out for what Magnus could hear. He had so often wanted to dance with Alec, and he thought he finally should now it was their last day and they had no time left.

Even though Alec had never shown much interest in dancing, they swayed there together, listening to the gentle notes of music. It was slow and gentle, but Magnus would have done it all night.

They swayed together for a long time, in love though not having said it, and holding each other, keeping the night theirs as it died around them. The music faded away, but they stayed together, wishing their time to last forever. But time ended everything, and even love could not stop that.


	27. Dusk and Dawn

When they eventually went to bed, Alec willed himself to stay awake. If he stayed awake the whole night, maybe he might not ache so much when Magnus had to leave. Of course, his body did not allow it, and he fell asleep, clutching Magnus and dreaming of the world ending all around him.

The morning awoke him abruptly, cruelly jolting him from his slumber. From the second his eyes opened, Alec was saddened beyond measure. The world had turned to sepia overnight, and Alec was sure he would never feel happiness again. His broken heart broke further, and he was sure it would never be fixed. Magnus would take his heart with him, and Alec would never get it back. He was sure no one would have his heart like Magnus did, and he wasn’t sure if he enjoyed that prospect or not.

If he pretended to be asleep, maybe Magnus would not move him and he would not get up. He was reducing to juvenile tactics, but it was how he felt. His young heart was broken, and he would do anything to keep the object of his affection around.

But the car was coming at eleven, and they only had a few hours left together. Alec was going to count down the seconds, and it was only going to make things worse. He should focus on Magnus, but he was going to watch the time slip through his fingers. He just wished they had gotten together sooner, though, really, that wouldn’t make things any less painful now. Parting would have been painful if they got together in week one, just as it was painful with how late they had gotten together.

Magnus stirred only a few minutes later, and Alec could have burst into tears. Well, he did shed a few, and he sat up, wiping at his eyes. He had cried himself out over the last couple of days, but he still had a few to shed now.

Magnus reached his hand up and wiped away Alec’s tears. It did not make things any easier, and Alec knew he was going to be a disaster today. They had a few hours left, and Alec was already rendered a mess. When it came time for Magnus to actually leave, Alec did not know what was going to happen, just that the light would leave his life forever.

He could not bring himself to say anything. Uttering any words solidified everything coming to an end, and Alec didn’t want to feel it any more than he already did.

Alec wondered if they could lie there for a few hours, whittle them away by just existing there with Magnus. But he couldn’t. They had last minute things to do, last things to pack, they had to have breakfast and shower. Alec could wish and dream, but this was ending and there was no way to stop it.

They showered together again, touching each other, absorbing these last moments they had together. They didn’t really speak, they just ran their hands over the other’s body, filled with sadness but also love.

Alec kissed him when he could feel it was time to step out of the stream. Their wet bodies aligned, holding each other as the water streamed down their skin. With their mouths connected, Alec memorised Magnus’ lips and their taste and their feel. He kissed Magnus over and over, just touching him and holding him, letting his desire consume him this last time.

But it could not last that long, and they had to step out and dress. They helped dry each other off, rubbing the other down until their skin was no longer wet. They had still barely spoken, and they did not speak much during breakfast either. Everyone else made light conversation, talking about the flight, about their landing time whilst Magnus and Alec were silent. No one asked them anything or expected them to talk, and Alec was glad because he would not be able to even pretend he was fine and that he wasn’t aching inside.

There was an hour and a half left when Magnus went back upstairs to pack everything else, Alec, of course, following him up. There was so little time. There were so many things Alec wanted to say, so many things he wanted to tell him, but there was nothing in him that thought he was going to say it. He wanted to tell Magnus what he meant to him, but he couldn’t muster it.

Alec could do nothing but watch as Magnus packed away the last of his things, taking himself out of this room forever. Nothing in here would be Magnus’, only the memories Alec held to his chest. Anyone else who stayed in this room would see it only as a spare room, as a guest room, and only Alec would know what this room had been filled with. He would see the bed and remember lying with Magnus. He would see the balcony doors and remembering smoking there with Magnus. He would see the bathroom and remember showering with him. No one else would know, because Magnus did not belong in here any longer.

When Magnus was done, he put his suitcase and bag on his bed, Alec leaning on the wall and watching, a hole where his heart used to be. Magnus was leaving. Alec was sure he would never recover.

Magnus came up to him, taking his hands in his own, squeezing them as Alec felt himself welling up again. He couldn’t believe he had cried so much over the last few days. He wasn’t really a crier and, yet, here he was, almost crying again after having cried over three days consistently. His family had never taught him to be emotional or to show much emotion, but he could not help it. His emotions were there, upfront for all to see, and he could not stop them.

“I’m going to miss you, Alexander,” Magnus said, smiling at him as best as he could, which Alec only felt because he knew how hard it must have been for him to smile at a time like this.

“I don’t want you to go,” Alec said, and he felt he had said it a thousand times, but even that was not enough to convey just how much he was hurting.

“I know,” Magnus said. “I know.”

Magnus leaned in and they kissed, slowly, achingly. Alec wanted it to last forever, but it was only short. It made him ache further, and Alec didn’t think love should cause a person this much pain.

They had an hour. There was an hour left of their time together, an hour left for their love to continue. Alec was not going to dream they could continue this elsewhere, when they were living their separate lives back in America. He did not hope for that because, when it did not happen, it would hurt him more, and Alec didn’t think he could go through more pain.

Magnus wrote down his address for Alec, and Alec put it in his pocket, just another reminder that Magnus was going and that he had another life to lead. Alec wished so much that he could be a part of it, but he couldn’t, not on any level.

As the minutes ticked by, Alec felt himself sink further, his heart snapping into unmatchable pieces. They ended up holding each other for the remainder of their time together. Alec had his arms as tight around Magnus as they would go, taking comfort in Magnus hugging him back just as tight. Alec held him as though it might keep him here, as though Magnus might never leave. He buried his face in his neck and breathed Magnus in, cursing the world for breaking his heart.

He memorised this moment. He felt the weight of Magnus holding him, his arms around him, and he felt Magnus underneath his own arms. They were together, ignoring the rest of the world, ignoring their impending responsibilities.

Right there, Alec remembered every moment of their summer, every exchange they had had. He remembered thinking he hated Magnus and that he was jealous of him because he got to kiss Camille. And then he remembered realising how deep he had fallen for him. He remembered every kiss, every touch, he remembered sleeping on his chest and wondering if he would ever sleep that well again without Magnus in his bed.

Alec never wanted to let him go. But he was slipping through his fingers, and Alec could not grab at it.

When the sound of a car driving on gravel made its way up to their room, Alec froze. He attempted to make it sound like something else, attempted to pretend it had not happened, but Magnus had frozen as well, and Alec knew the time had come.

Alec gripped onto Magnus tighter. He could have him for a few more moments, Raziel would have to let them have that, Alec would make sure of it.

Car doors were opened and closed, and Alec could hear voices from beneath their balcony. He was not ready for this to be over, he was not ready for Magnus to leave. He would never be prepared for this.

Magnus kissed into his hair and Alec could feel his body beginning to ache like his heart and soul already did.

“Magnus!” a voice called from downstairs, maybe Will. “The car’s here!”

“Coming!” Magnus replied, and Alec held Magnus even tighter.

There were no words to say to each other, nothing to rectify this situation, nothing to make Alec feel better. They hugged for a few more minutes, and then they had to part.

Alec took Magnus’ bag, Magnus taking his suitcase, and they left the room, Magnus following Alec after pausing to probably look at the room one last time. Alec waited for him outside the door before they made their way downstairs, finding everyone saying goodbye to each other outside.

Alec hugged each of them in turn, not saying much but goodbye. He would have liked to have said more, more to Jem who had been kind and given him good advice, and more to Tessa and Will who had accepted him without words, and even to Jace who, whilst not the easiest to get along with, had been kind enough to gift them time together in public. But he couldn’t say anything more to them because his heart was in so much pain and words would not find him.

He hugged Magnus again, hoping it wasn’t noticeable how long they held each other. He wanted to kiss him again, he wanted to tell him how much he would miss him, he wanted to tell him he loved him, but they were in so much company, and it wasn’t possible.

Instead, he took solace from Magnus squeezing him tighter, and then they let go. Alec tried not to think about how it was, likely, the last time they would ever hug or hold each other. He might come back, it was a possibility, but Alec hadn’t seen many of their other guests return. There had been a couple, and Magnus might have more incentive, but Alec wasn’t hopeful.

They put Magnus’ things in the boot, somehow fitting everything in as it was a larger car, and then they bid goodbye again before getting inside. Alec did not let his gaze leave Magnus’, watching his green eyes even when he sat in the car.

He wound the window down, waving at the Lightwoods, and watching Alec. Alec might start crying, he could feel himself welling up again. He would save it for when he was alone, when his family would be less confused about his turbulent emotions and why he was showing them in public.

When the car started and they drove off, Alec felt his heart leaving with them. He watched as they disappeared down the road, watching Magnus as Magnus watched him. And then he was gone, and Alec’s heart no longer existed.

“Oh, sweetheart,” Maryse said, coming over and cupping Alec’s cheek. “You do always get attached to them too easily.”

She did not know just how true that was, and so he only nodded, keeping his tears at bay.

They all spoke some more, and Alec made his excuses to go upstairs. He went straight into Magnus’ room, though it was no longer Magnus’, and he shut the door behind him. He had spent such little time in his own room, and so many nights had been spent in here, sleeping and being with Magnus.

He traced around the room for a moment, remembering everything and attempting to calm his broken heart. He was sure they were about to have lunch, but he wasn’t in the mood. A chunk of him was gone, forever, and he was stuck here, with a broken heart and confused mind. He was never going to love someone like he loved Magnus, and he knew that, and it just made him hurt more.

He noticed the door was open to their connected bathroom and then his bedroom door was open too. Confused, he made his way through and found Magnus had left him his shirt. His eyes welled up, tears spilling over and rolling down his cheeks and he stepped towards his bed, the shirt Alec had smelled when Magnus had found him, on the bed, lying there with a note attached that read, _For you, Alexander x._ It made Alec cry just a little harder.

Picking it up, Alec ran his fingers over the fabric before he breathed it in, Magnus there, filling his lungs. It smelled like summer, Magnus’ cologne, salt from the ocean. It was perfect, and Alec was sure a couple of his tears were happy ones as he pressed the fabric to his face.

He made his way back to Magnus’ room, pulling the shirt over his shoulders and pocketing the note so it lay with Magnus’ address in his pocket. Then he got underneath the sheets on Magnus bed, breathing them in and staring up at the ceiling.

He hadn’t been aware of falling asleep until it was afternoon and he was being awoken by a knock on the door. He supposed he had been exhausted, for the nights over the last few days had not been well used. His mind had been filled with Magnus leaving and feeling lost. There had not been a great night full of sleep for a few days, and he supposed his mind needed a better rest. His nap, however, had not been fantastic for he had dreamt of waking up next to Magnus, and that was not the reality he lived in any longer.

Mumbling for whoever who had knocked to enter, he sat up, waiting to see who it was as they opened the door.

It was his sister, and she smiled at him, not making any note of Alec being in Magnus’ bed instead of his own or that he was wearing someone else’s shirt. He hadn’t ever intended to be obvious, but he supposed that was just who he was.

“Hey,” Izzy said, coming to sit on the bed beside Alec. “Mum wanted to know if you’d be joining us for dinner.”

Alec shrugged, trying to determine if his voice would work now. “I don’t know.” It was a little hoarse, but it was better than silence, he supposed.

“Are you okay?” Izzy asked, glancing at the shirt Alec was wearing, but not saying anything.

He shrugged again.

For a moment, he considered why he hadn’t told his sister the truth of the summer, of what he had discovered and what he had had with Magnus. He was sure it had something to do with fear, fear of rejection, fear of what she might think, fear of accepting himself, in a way. It would have made summer a lot easier, he supposed, if his sister had known.

He adored his sister, and, now that it was over and he needed some affection and love from someone who could give it to him, he decided he could trust her with this information. She would not judge him, for she loved him too. They were close siblings, and Alec wanted her to know who he was.

Alec cleared his throat. “Can I tell you something, Izzy?”

“Sure.” She smiled at him, and it eased his tension for only a minute. He had never actually uttered the words before, and he wasn’t sure how to go about this. Part of his life was missing, and he hoped uttering these words would allow part of him to come back. Not all of him, but some of him.

“I, uh… I like boys,” Alec said, taking a deep breath and waiting.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Alec replied, taking another breath before he carried on. “I… Magnus and I were… um, we were together this summer.”

“Oh,” Izzy said, nodding as if things clicked in her head. “That’s why you’re so upset now. I just thought… I don’t know, you got attached, like you always do.”

“Well, I have, in a way,” Alec said, tiptoeing around the reality of just how much he had gotten attached to Magnus.

“I suppose,” Izzy said. “Thank you, you know, for telling me, for trusting me enough.”

“You’re my sister,” Alec said. “I’d trust you with anything.”

Izzy sent him a smile and Alec sighed.

“So, there’s no way you can continue?” Izzy asked, sensing Alec’s pain and just how much pain he was feeling.

Alec shook his head. “I don’t think so.” He paused, feeling the weight of his words and almost being overwhelmed by them. “Are you and Simon going to?”

Izzy shrugged. “He said he’ll write and call, but I don’t know if it’ll be enough. He’ll be here for winter, maybe we can carry on then.”

Alec nodded.

“We had sex,” Izzy said. “You know, if we’re sharing things, I just thought I’d share that.”

“With Simon?” Alec asked. She was old enough to make her own decisions, and if she thought she was ready for sex, Alec wasn’t going to tell her off or scold her. But still, it was Simon. Alec thought she could do much better.

Izzy laughed and shoved his shoulder, sensing Alec’s feeling about him with the face he made. “I happen to like Simon.”

Alec made another face.

Izzy snorted, rolling her eyes at him.

“Magnus and I also had sex,” Alec said, not sure if that was obvious, but wanting to talk about Magnus because that made it easier with him disappearing from his life.

Izzy nodded, smiling at him. “I thought you liked him, I just didn’t think it was that much.”

“Yeah, it was. It is, I mean.” Alec was not going to get over it anytime soon. If ever, really, Alec thought. “Do you think mum or dad know?”

Izzy shook her head. “I don’t think so. They never mentioned anything and, I mean, I didn’t think it was anything like it was, so I doubt they do. Really, I just think they’ll assume it’s the same as usual, you know, you getting too attached to people who are destined to leave.”

Alec would have laughed if it wasn’t so true. Instead, it broke his heart even further, and he chewed his cheek to stop himself from crying again.

“When is Bridget cleaning the rooms?” Alec asked.

“Tonight, I think.”

“Damn.” Alec was hoping to have one last night here, in this bed with these sheets.

“Ask her not to do this room,” Izzy said, knowing, in an instant, what it was Alec was panicking about.

“How? What could I possibly say that would stop her from doing that?”

“I don’t know. Why not swap yours for his?”

Really, Alec wanted to stay in this room, but he would settle for having Magnus’ sheets on his own bed.

“I’ll help,” Izzy said, standing and encouraging Alec up too.

Somehow, he managed to get up and, somehow, they managed to switch the sheets over. Over time, Alec knew he would grow used to Magnus’ smell, that, maybe, the smell would fade from his sheets and from the shirt. But, for as long as it remained, Alec was going to make the most of it. It was all he had left.

For the two days they had before they travelled back to California, Alec tried not to mope, but it did not work. His heart was in pieces and Magnus was in another world. Alec wasn’t sure when the right time was to write him a letter, but he decided, when he got back to California, he would. He would have enough to write about then, he supposed.

He wondered if it would ever be enough. He wondered if life would ever be enough now, and if some letters through the years would be satisfying enough. Really, anything would be enough to keep him going, but he wasn’t sure if it would be enough to make him happy.

On the plane back, Alec attempted to prepare himself for life after Magnus. He had to go to school, he had to live as though he was not in love with this wonderful person who was no longer his. He wondered if Magnus would think about him, if he would think about him over the months and years they spent apart, but he did not dream of such a thing. He would want that, but he did not dream of it because it wasn’t likely real. Magnus had a life to continue, and Alec would not wish him to spend it moping, even if Alec was going to do that. He wanted Magnus to be happy, even if Alec himself wasn’t.

Life was meant to continue now, and Alec wanted no part of it if Magnus was not in it.


	28. A World Empty, Made Full

The world without Alec was boring and sepia and devoid of anything inspiring. He had not been prepared to say goodbye to him, and he could still picture his dejected face as their car drove away. Every time he thought about it and he thought about him, Magnus’ heart snapped. He had left so much of himself in Italy, and he did not think he was going to get it back. Part of him did not want it back either. He had left it there with Alec, for Alec, and he hoped it made Alec happier, in a way, if possible.

New York was almost the same as they had left it though, after some bizarre revelation, they found one of their dearest friends in a wheelchair. It was the last thing they had expected, even after Will’s confusing letter, but it jarred him enough to stop thinking about Alec for a moment. It was an odd blessing.

“What happened?” Jem asked after a day of rest. They had met up at Will’s apartment with their other friends, wanting to catch up, exchange gifts, talk about their summer. Magnus wondered if he should tell them about Alec, but he wasn’t sure. Talking about him here, it felt almost forbidden. Their love had been a part of Italy, and Magnus wasn’t sure he could talk about it here, where life was different, where Alec wasn’t in it.

“It was just an accident,” Henry said, sat in his wheelchair. They had been gone six weeks, and their lives had changed extortionately.

“It seems like it’s more than that,” Will said. “Because you don’t seem able to walk anymore.”

“And why didn’t you tell us?” Tessa asked.

“I honestly thought I did,” Charlotte said. “I thought I wrote it in one of my letters.”

“It’s not exactly what we expected to come back to,” Will said. “But, anyway, are you okay, Henry?”

“I’m fine,” Henry said. “It’s a blip. But I’m fine. Enough about me. How was your trip? How was Italy? Were the family nice?”

“They were lovely,” Jem said. “Absolutely lovely.”

Jem smiled and glanced at Magnus, who felt his heart drop. He had hoped this conversation with Henry would keep them off Italy and the villa but, of course, this was a big part of their life. They had been gone for six weeks, they were always going to talk about this.

“It’s such a dream, I still can’t believe it happened,” Will said. “Jace has a girlfriend.”

Jace was not here because he was meeting up with Clary, and Magnus tried not to envy him with every fibre of his being.

“Raziel,” Gabriel cursed. “It didn’t take him long, did it?”

“And, what about you guys?” Cecily asked, smirking. “Any hot, summer flings. Any hot, Italian women?”

“Or men,” Gideon asked, looking at Tessa, then at Magnus for they knew he liked men and were trying to constantly show they remembered that. Magnus knew it wasn’t meant to be condescending or anything of that ilk, but he was not in the mood today. He would not be in the mood ever, not when it came to discussing Alec.

“There was a pretty, French lady,” Magnus said, not prepared to talk about Alec and avoiding Jem’s gaze. “But she was very intense.”

“Intense how?” Gabriel asked.

“Just… intense,” Magnus said. Words were not coming easily, and he did not have the energy to talk about anything. Hopefully, they would put it down to jetlag, but the reality was, he was not tired and his body had recovered. His mind was exhausted, but not from travelling.

They didn’t ask about it again and, instead, they exchanged tales over coffee and lunch, talking about their weeks apart and reminiscing. Magnus thought of his memories fondly, but they always came back to when Magnus left, thinking of Alec’s heartache and feeling his own. He had loved his summer, but the ending had made life so painful.

It was late evening by the time they went back to their own spaces. Magnus wasn’t sure he wanted to be alone, but he was sure talking about their summer wasn’t helping either. He didn’t want to be alone with his thoughts, but he wasn’t much of a conversationalist right now.

He had a pile of letters to open sat on his coffee table, unable to sift through them yesterday. Even though it had been ridiculous, Magnus had looked through them to see one from Alec, and there hadn’t been one. He didn’t know what he had been expecting, for he had only been in the country for a few days, even if Alec had sent him a letter, it wasn’t going to reach him this soon. And Alec probably hadn’t even sent him one yet. It was very soon. It was too soon. Magnus was dreaming, and he needed to calm his thoughts.

After reading or discarding the junk mail and bills, he read through the two that were personal ones. The first was an update from his mother. It was the usual; an occasional letter from his mother that didn’t say much, and Magnus read through it leisurely. He was tired, and this was his last task of the day before he collapsed onto his bed and dreamt of Alec’s eyes and his beautiful lips.

The second one, Magnus was unsure of completely. It was from Etta, of all people. He had not really thought about her whilst he was away, and he supposed that was the point. She had told him they needed a break, and Magnus going away for the summer was the perfect remedy.

But he had been changed extortionately, and he wasn’t sure that was what Etta had intended when she told him to go as a single man. He had fallen in love over the summer and, whilst he was sure he still had feelings for Etta, he wasn’t sure they would be anything like how he felt for Alexander. Alec was in his heart now, and, if that was what Etta had wanted him to figure out, then he was very confused. She had just wanted some space, she had wanted them to breathe and understand each other. Magnus understood himself more, and he had spared few thoughts to Etta whilst he had been away.

In her letter, she said she hoped Magnus had had a nice summer and she explained how her few weeks had gone. She said she missed Magnus, and she hoped Magnus might understand more about their relationship and each other. At the end of her letter, she asked him if he would call her when he was free, and Magnus considered it.

Instead of doing it that night, Magnus left the letter on the table and collapsed into bed. He was filled with a thousand different feelings for Etta and for Alec, and he felt for them both strongly. One was a lot easier to love and have, but the other had stolen his heart. He was not sure what he should do.

The next morning, after he rediscovered the letter and read it again, he decided he should just call. He had another day off work before that part of his life began again, and he couldn’t ignore Etta. He didn’t _want_ to ignore her either, but he was still aching and his mind was still on Alec. Now Etta was there, and Magnus did not know how he was supposed to act or behave, but he knew he could not ignore this section of his life.

Sitting at his couch, Magnus dialled Etta’s number and waited, almost hoping she wouldn’t pick up but needing to hear her voice as well. He was so conflicted. He had missed her, he supposed, or he _would_ have missed her if Alexander had not become a part of his life. She had not crossed his mind, but Magnus thought she _probably_ would have, and that was reason enough to call, right?

“Hello?” Etta’s voice answered, and Magnus felt himself warm at her voice. Of course, he loved her, but his love was put into another person as well now, and it was not making Magnus’ life all that easy.

“Hi, Etta,” Magnus replied. “It’s Magnus.”

“Oh, Magnus, hello,” Etta said, her tone delighted and warm. He was pleased to hear her voice, but there was another voice he wanted to hear as well. “How was your trip? Did you have a good time?”

“I did,” Magnus said, still not wanting to talk about it. Etta wouldn’t think anything of the relationship he had had with Alexander, but Magnus wasn’t sure if he was going to tell her. He did trust her and he did still love her, but their love had been secluded to Italy, and Magnus didn’t want to take it into this world. “I had a really lovely time, actually.”

“I’m glad.” Etta meant it, Magnus knew that. She did not say false things, she was a woman of truth and integrity. She had sent Magnus away in hope they would be better for it, that Magnus might figure things out, that she might figure things out too. Magnus wasn’t sure if he had figured out the thing she might have wanted him to, if she had even planned for there to be anything in particular they needed to understand, but he was almost certain it wasn’t meant to be anything to do with a pretty boy who he had developed intense feelings for. “It was good for you then?”

“I suppose.”

“Good. Good.” Etta released a sigh down the line, and Magnus waited. “Would you like to meet up? I’m free most evenings, if you wanted.”

Part of Magnus did not want to, because he wanted Alec, and, if he kept himself free, maybe he could have Alec. But the other parts of him loved Etta, and she was the sensible decision. Not only was she sensible, Magnus did adore her, and he had felt broken when she said it might be good for them to have some time apart. He had hoped Italy would be a good distraction, and it had been. But Magnus thought it had become more of a distraction than he had intended for it to be.

But he had to be sensible. Alec was a distant love, a foreign adoration, an unattainable infatuation. Magnus wanted him, but he also wanted Etta, and it was sensible to have her. If it worked, Magnus would have made the smart decision, and he could not spend his life wishing for a lover he would not have again.

“I’d really like that,” Magnus said, and he meant it.

“Wonderful. We could meet at our café, Monday evening, maybe?”

“Sure.”

“Is six okay?”

“Six is fine.” Magnus wasn’t sure it was fine, he wasn’t sure what his plans were, but he would have to rearrange them if he did have something planned. That was what you did for someone you loved, and Magnus did love Etta.

“Wonderful. I’ll see you then.”

“See you then.”

Etta hung up first, the way she always did, Magnus hearing the dead air before he hung up as well.

Monday came after tiring shifts. They weren’t tiring because it was tiring work, but they were tiring because he was preparing to see Etta again whilst waiting for a letter from Alec. It was in Alec’s hands for Magnus did not know where Alec lived when he stayed in America, and he had to wait for Alec to send one first. Maybe he wouldn’t, and maybe he had given up on their relationship. Maybe that was for the best, Magnus did not know.

It was their café because it was the café Etta used to sing at when they met. She still sang there occasionally now, but she was working on her music and so she did not sing there so often. Magnus loved to hear her sing, for she had a beautiful voice, it was soothing and it calmed Magnus on nights when he needed calming.

When he came down the street and saw it, of course, not having changed in the six weeks Magnus had not seen it, he was hit with nostalgia. He and Etta had a wealth of existence together, they had been together for years, they had made hundreds and hundreds of memories together. Their lives had been integrated long before he had met Alec. If he had never met Alec, Magnus would be certain he and Etta were destined to spend the rest of their lives together. But he had met Alec now, and he was a mess of confusion.

Etta was inside when Magnus came through the door, sipping at her coffee, having gotten Magnus’ pre-emptively. She was a sweetheart, she was considerate and thoughtful, and Magnus adored her, of course. She had thought of him, and bought his coffee, and Magnus loved her for it, for she did think of the small things.

When she spotted him, she stood, Magnus approaching and wondering if she would notice he was different now.

Magnus noticed her hair had gotten longer, and he vaguely remembering her saying she wanted to grow her last haircut out. It felt like an age ago that he had spoken to her about anything. He was a changed man, and he was sure it was obvious.

“Hi,” Etta greeted, and they hugged. It wasn’t exactly romantic, it was a greeting hug. They were here to talk things out, talk about their future. It might get romantic, Magnus wasn’t sure. “I hope your coffee tastes didn’t change in Italy. I’m sure everything’s finer over there.”

Magnus laughed lightly. “I think I’ll manage.”

They sat down. Magnus wondered if it might be awkward, but he wasn’t sure if Etta was capable of being awkward. She made everyone feel at ease, and Magnus was glad he had come to see her. Things might make sense again.

“So, tell me about your trip,” Etta said.

Magnus went into a condensed version. He did not mention Camille and he did not mention Alec. Well, he did mention Alec, but only as the Lightwood’s eldest son. To Etta, Alec would be nothing more than part of a story, an anecdote. To Etta, he was almost no one, when the complete opposite was the case for Magnus. Alec meant the world to him, and he would never be just a part of a story.

He spoke about Italy, about the warm evenings, about the storm. He told her everything that didn’t involve romance and love, and kept the story about Italy and the wonderful and freeing time he had had there. Etta wouldn’t care if he had been with someone else, for he wouldn’t be bothered if Etta had been with someone else during their weeks apart. But he didn’t want to tell her about Alec. Alec was his, and Magnus was not ready to share the details of his adoration with her yet. If ever, perhaps.

He drank his coffee as he spoke, it somehow not as delicious as the coffee in Italy, and he was craving fresh juice. He wasn’t even sure if freshly squeezed juice would taste the same out of Italy. Would anything be the same out of Italy? Magnus certainly felt he wasn’t.

“I’m glad you had a good time,” Etta said when Magnus had spoken through his travels.

“Me, too,” Magnus said, so much of the story missing. “How was your summer?”

“Eventful,” Etta said. “I was going to call or write, but I didn’t want to interrupt your travels.”

“Why was it eventful?”

“I’ve been asked to sing backup for some interesting people.”

“Backup?” Magnus asked, for she could be the lead. She deserved to be the lead.

Etta smiled knowingly. “I know. It’s not ideal, but it’s a start. I’ve been pretty much dealing with that for the past few weeks. It’s been hectic.”

“I can imagine,” Magnus said. “I’m assuming it’ll lead elsewhere for you.”

“It should do.” Etta smiled. “It should do.”

Magnus was glad for her. She worked hard, and she deserved the rewards. He was proud of her as well, for he did love her, and he wanted her to be successful.

It was nearing seven o’clock when Magnus had finished talking and Etta had discussed her weeks of working and singing. Magnus knew there was another reason as to why Etta wanted to be here, what she might want to discuss, and he waited until she was the one who wanted to broach the subject. She got up and bought them two more coffees. There was an entertainer booked for eight o’clock, and Magnus didn’t want to be here for that, so, hopefully, they would be done within the next hour.

“Okay,” Etta began, and Magnus sensed this was the conversation she had been waiting for. “I suppose this should be a series of conversations, I don’t know, but what do you think about us now?”

“Us, as in, dating?” Magnus asked, needing clarification.

She nodded.

Magnus wasn’t sure, for he was stuck in two minds; the first was the sensible part, the part where he could have a life; the second was still set on Alec. Magnus wasn’t sure how long he would be set on Alec, but he was sure it would be a while.

Etta had told him to go to Italy as a single man because they’d been having some problems. Etta had wanted to settle down, and Magnus had been unsure. She had wanted marriage and children, and Magnus was not there yet. And, since they had wanted different things for their future, things had gotten icy, and Etta had suggested it would be better if they took some time apart to figure things out.

But Magnus had not spent the summer figuring things out. Instead, he had spent it falling in love with another beautiful person. Anything he might have figured out was not discovered in any possible way, and Magnus wasn’t entirely sure how to answer.

And yet, he knew he loved Etta. He had felt broken when she suggested they take a break from each other, and he had thought he’d spend the summer moping. But that had not been the case at all, and he had been fine. He had turned out better than fine and he did not spare many thoughts to Etta. If she had wanted that, Magnus would be confused. But that was how it had turned out, and Magnus was trying to figure out exactly what future he wanted and whether that included Etta.

“I suppose that is a big question to deal with,” Etta admitted, sensing Magnus’ hesitation. “I just wanted to know if, perhaps, you had any more thoughts.”

“About?”

“Settling down. I know, we’re still relatively young, but I can see my life with you, Magnus. And, I think, spending the summer away from you solidified that idea in my mind. I wondered if it helped you. I don’t know, I wasn’t trying to presume you might need me, but… I don’t know, I’m rambling. I still love you, I think that’s what I’m trying to say.”

Magnus laughed through his nose, his heart warmed by her. He did love her, and he knew he loved her. Maybe he hadn’t particularly missed her, but he loved her, and he knew that.

“I still love you, too,” Magnus replied, and it was true. He knew it was true. There may be another person he loved, but he still loved Etta. He loved them both, maybe with different intensities, but it was still love. It was still love.

Etta seemed to sigh out of relief. “I should move back in then I suppose. If that’s okay?”

“I would love that,” Magnus said. “I’m sure it’s far better than where you’re renting now.”

Etta laughed. “Much, much nicer.”

There would have to be more conversations, Magnus knew that, but it was a start. They were where they had been before, they were still in love and they were going to continue where they left off. And it was a good thing.

Maybe there was another beautiful boy on Magnus’ mind, but Alec was in another world. He’d be a wonderful piece of his heart forever, Magnus was sure of it. And, if he ever got a letter, they would keep in contact, for Magnus never wanted to forget him. But that part of his life was over, and Magnus could not keep hung up on him when his future was in front of him.


	29. What is A World Worth If it is Empty?

Alec wasn’t too sure what to put in his letter to Magnus. He wanted to tell him he missed him, because he did, and then he was going to tell him about California and going back to high school, his first day being tomorrow. He sat at his desk in his room, staring at the piece of paper in front of him and trying to think out each sentence and rephrase it and perfect it before he wrote it down. It took a lot longer than usual to write, but he was happy with it when it was done. He could send it tomorrow before he began his Senior Year.

He wasn’t sure if he was dreading it or not. Part of him was sure he should anticipate something because, after this, it was college and then the rest of his life. But he was hung up on other things. In particular, he was still thinking about Magnus, and he always sent himself to sleep thinking about Magnus’ lips and his eyes.

He prepped his things for tomorrow, stuffing his backpack with school supplies, attempting to memorise his schedule before he got far too bored and led in his bed. He stared up at the ceiling and fell asleep remembering Italy.

When he woke up, early, as ever, he felt ready for school. Well, ready might not be the exact word, for there were definitely better places to be. He could be in Italy, or he could be with Magnus, or he could be elsewhere, not about to start another hellish year of academics. And it wasn’t that he didn’t enjoy school, because he did, and he rather excelled at it for he worked hard for his studies. But there were so many other places to be, and he would much rather be there.

He got up and got ready for school, bypassing his brother who was pretending he had a headache and could not go to school because of it, and ignoring his sister who was singing to something in her room. He always left before either of them, even though Izzy went to the same school. It wasn’t because he was embarrassed of her, it was more that her friends were not Alec’s types of friends, and he preferred solitude.

Hopefully, school would get his mind off Italy. It wasn’t likely, because the first thing people asked when you got back to school, teachers as well, was what people did over their summer. Alec would be talking about Italy until he had seen everyone he knew, and he was preparing himself for that fact.

At his locker, the same as last year, though he found they were much smaller than the lockers at the school he had been to the year before last, he found he was the first there. He usually was. His delinquent friends, who he was fond of really, were usually late. He had become a part of the clique by accident really. They had asked to copy his homework, he had said no, and then they had brought him gifts and run errands for him in an attempt to sway him. It didn't work, but he had tutored them, and that was, really, how Alec had made his friends. He wasn’t sure if he felt connected enough with them to think they would be friends when they moved on and out of school, but they were friends for now, and that was what Alec focused on.

Eventually, as the minutes ticked by, they turned up and they went on with their day, everyone greeting each other and asking after summer, Alec giving his diluted answer, which none of them were satisfied with.

“Come on, you’re almost eighteen,” Matthew said when they had reconvened for lunch. “There had to be some babe begging for your attention.”

Alec rolled his eyes, sitting next to Elias and Grace. “I have never gone for that reason, you know that, and I don’t intend to.”

“But French girls are gorgeous,” Matthew said.

“I was in _Italy,”_ Alec reminded him.

“Which is right _next to_ France.”

His friends really were delinquents, but they were his friends, and he had to put up with them. Well, he did enjoy their company and they made the time at school interesting. They were, however, very annoying sometimes.

“What about the Italian women, then?” Matthew continued.

Alec could have stabbed him.

“If you ever stop thinking about your dick for one second, you’d be dangerous,” Elias said, and Alec snorted.

Matthew did not make a retort, likely because it was true.

Through history, Alec’s mind was elsewhere. They were meant to be learning about World War II, but Alec wasn’t there. He was sat next to Elias again, glad to have someone there he knew, though he didn’t know Elias perfectly well. It was a small comfort.

Their teacher droned on at the front of the classroom, and it sent Alec’s mind far away, easing him off to his daydreams. They were much more interesting than the classroom with the students, who were bored on the first day of the year. He could be with Magnus there, he could think about him, remember kissing him and making love with him. He could be back there, swimming in the river, or the pool, or the ocean, or he could be lying with him at night. He knew he should, perhaps, be focusing on the lesson, but he couldn’t.

There were papers of information handed out and Elias waved them in front of Alec’s face until he awoke from his daydream and took one, passing it to the desk behind him. Elias was smirking and he took the break in teaching to talk to him.

“Thinking about those Italian women, huh?” Elias asked.

Alec rolled his eyes, Elias’ smirk widening.

“What are you thinking about?” Elias asked, his smirk turning to a smile.

“How I’d rather be anywhere else than here.”

“Am I not pleasant company?”

“You are fine,” Alec said, turning to look at the questions on the paper and realising he had done zero of the work he was told to do before they went on break for summer. No one else likely had, but Alec usually liked to be ahead of studying for the year. He had been entirely distracted this summer, however.

Elias did not say anything else and Alec wondered if he had been rude. He was back daydreaming again before he could consider it.

He was so thankful when the school day ended. His friends wanted to do something after school, but Alec wasn’t in the mood. Instead, he walked home with his sister, who was eager and excited with gossip from the summer. She always loved to come back, whichever state it was they were returning to, because she could talk about her summer and then listen to what everyone else had been doing. She was a people person, and Alec could not be further away from that state of being. She could talk about Simon, if she so pleased, and Alec envied her for it.

Back at home, his father still teaching wherever he was teaching, Izzy sifted through the mail that had been left on the carpet and squealed when she found something interesting. Alec thought he knew what it was, and he smiled at her as he picked up the mail she had left, tearing open her letter and reading it excitedly.

Alec let her be, going into the kitchen and wanting an after-school snack. Whilst he loved Italy, and he loved it even more now, getting snacks here was a whole lot easier. And their cupboards were filled with much better, more sugary snacks that Bridget rarely even let into the villa. Maybe it wasn’t such a big difference, but he was looking for positives now, because he felt there were so few when Italy had been so perfect.

Izzy came bounding in, trying to be discreet about her smile as she hugged the letter to her chest.

“So,” Alec began. “How is he?”

Izzy pretended she didn’t know what he was talking about, but her glee was clear on her face. “How is who?”

Alec made a face at her.

Izzy made a content sigh and sat down at the breakfast bar. Alec didn’t think she usually got like this around boys, so maybe Simon was special. She was lucky, to be in a position where she could make a fuss about the guy she liked, where she could talk about him and gush over him, what a dream. Alec wasn’t sure he would ever be able to do that, maybe with his sister, but not with anyone else.

“He wrote first,” Izzy said. “I never thought he’d write first.”

“Did he say he loves you lots and lots and misses you like autumn misses cherry blossoms?” Alec asked smirking.

“How on earth did you come up with something like that?” Izzy asked, and then said, “And, of course he didn’t, because that is a soppy thing to say, and I’m wondering if you think those things about Magnus.”

It was the first time anyone had uttered his name since they had left Italy, and it sent an odd spike of pain through his heart. He tried to shake it off, but he wasn’t sure it worked.

He ignored it, and said, “What _did_ he say, then?”

“Just things about school and seeing Jace again. His handwriting is awful but, yeah, he made the effort. It was… It’s nice,” Izzy said, and Alec could tell she was fond. It was sweet, and Alec was glad she had him and that she could be happy and talk about him.

“I’m glad,” Alec said, and the front door opened, unveiling a little Max who was still agitated about having to go to school.

He practically stormed into the kitchen with his young rage and threw his backpack onto the floor. Their father wasn’t around to see his tantrum, but it was endearing. Alec, however, would be the one to deal with it, and he was not liking that idea.

“I’m not going tomorrow,” Max said, finding a stool so he could raid the cupboards.

“It’s the first day, and you’re already done with it?” Izzy asked.

“Yes,” Max said, finding something he wanted and closing the cupboard again. He clambered up onto the stool beside Izzy, eating angrily, which was quite the sight.

“I thought you would love school,” Alec said. “Why don’t you?”

“Because the teachers don’t know anything.”

Alec laughed and Izzy snorted. It was such a Max thing to say.

“I should just stay at home. There’s no reason I can’t. Mum teaches those kids in Italy,” Max said.

“She teaches at academies and then at home during the holidays. It’s not like our schools, Max,” Alec explained.

“Maybe I should just go to school in Italy.”

“Because the teachers there know more than they do here?” Alec asked.

Max tried to think of what he should say, and he could think of nothing, so he just shrugged and carried on eating. Alec thought he wouldn’t likely enjoy school in Italy either, but children were children, and it was sometimes difficult to get them to understand the reality of the world. The teachers probably knew some things, but Max was an advanced kid, and Alec understood his frustrations, but, sometimes, you just had to deal with the world.

They started to make dinner without their father in the house. He was usually late home, they had all long gotten used to being there without Robert at home, and they knew how to cook. Alec and Izzy made the spaghetti, Max helping with the sauce, and they left a portion for Robert, sitting down to eat. He came home about halfway through their meal, joining their table like he always did. It was like no time had passed and nothing had changed, but so much of that wasn’t true, for so much time had passed and Alec was nowhere near the same person he had been before the summer had begun.

Conversation was light over dinner, mainly about their first day back. Max did not speak about wanting to school in Italy instead, because Robert might not go so easy on him. It wasn’t a bad idea, Alec supposed, for he could easily school in Italy, but the logistics wouldn’t work, and Izzy and Alec would miss him too much also.

That evening, Alec did his first bout of homework, peeved he had gotten some, but not surprised, and then he read on his bed. But, after Izzy had mentioned Magnus’ name, Alec could think of nothing else.

He attempted to keep his mind on the book, on the words in front him, but he couldn't. And then there was Max, talking about living in Italy permanently, and Alec wished he could go back there, though he was sure, next summer, it would feel mightily emptier without Magnus there. And then he was thinking about going back, next summer, and he did not know how he was going to cope.

There would be other guests, there would be other people, someone sleeping in Magnus’ bed. How was Alec supposed to live with that knowledge, and how was he supposed to let someone else sleep in Magnus’ bed? There was no way he could even think of that. It was Magnus’ bed as his heart was Magnus’. Italy was his now as well, and Alec could not and would not deal with another person trying to take Magnus’ place.

In fact, the mere thought of returning to Italy without Magnus made him tearful, and he tried not to let his tears fall, but they did. He supposed, after having been back in America, he had worked up some more tears over the loss of his lover, and he could cry again now.

And he did, lying on his bed with his head propped against the wall, crying for their lost time and crying for what they could not have now, and crying because Italy would never be the same again. It was a quiet sort of crying, a tragic one that ran through him, and it made him ache.

When there was a knock on his door, he stuttered. His face always got so blotchy when he cried, and he was sure his eyes would be red. He waited, hoping whoever it was would think he was asleep.

They knocked again.

“Alec?” the voice, Izzy’s, asked. “Could I come in?”

Alec could not deny his sister, and so he said sure, though he did not really want to.

She came in, shutting the door behind her, coming into the room and standing there for a moment. Then she saw Alec and she started, stopping where she was and staring at him. Alec hoped he looked better than he felt, but her reaction told the opposite story.

“What happened? What’s wrong?” Izzy asked, coming closer, inspecting Alec’s face.

“Nothing. I yawned,” Alec lied.

Izzy tutted and brought over the chair that sat at Alec’s desk, setting it next to the bed and sitting down on it, close to her brother. “What happened?”

Alec had his sister’s love, he knew that. But he didn’t like feeling vulnerable, and telling someone else he didn’t know how to cope with the idea that someone else would be sleeping in Magnus’ bed was the very definition of vulnerable. But he supposed he could be vulnerable around his sister. If he couldn’t, then who could he be vulnerable around?

“I miss him,” Alec said, the words stuck in his throat, shaky as he spoke them. A tear rolled down his cheek, and he felt the words in his heart, for they were so true. It had only been a few days, and it had felt like centuries.

“Magnus?” Izzy asked, and Alec nodded. “Has he not written?”

“Well, no, but that’s because he gave me his address, not the other way around.”

“Why didn’t you both swap addresses?”

Alec shrugged. “I think it’s because… if I gave him mine, you know, in those last few days, it really would have solidified the end. And I can’t cope with that. I didn’t even look at the address he wrote down until we got here, back home. I just…” Alec didn’t know what to say, but he hoped she understood.

She nodded, and it was enough recognition. “I miss Simon a lot, too, but, I suppose it’s easier for us.”

Alec laughed a humourless laugh. “I don’t know how I’ll cope next summer. Even Christmas, it’s just going to feel so empty.”

“It might help, in a way.”

Alec shook his head. “I don’t see that happening. When someone else sleeps in that room… I don’t know how to deal with that.”

Izzy paused for a minute, studying Alec who was trying to keep his lip from wobbling. “I didn’t realise you liked him that much.”

All Alec could do was nod.

“Does he know that?” Izzy asked.

“Does he know what?”

“That you liked him this much.”

Alec shrugged.

“And you don’t think you’ll see him again?”

He shrugged.

“If you know his address…”

“Just turn up in New York?” Alec asked, laughing through his nose. He had thought of the idea once, but it wouldn’t ever work. This whole thing might not work in America. It might only work in Italy, and Alec didn’t want to find out if that was the truth or not. He liked living in a world where their love might work everywhere, and he would hate to live in a world where he knew it could only ever happen once, during a perfect summer where all the elements aligned.

Izzy laughed as well, but it was a quiet laugh, where she too seemed to realise the impossibility of their love.

“Maybe you’ll meet someone else,” Izzy suggested, though there was no real belief in her words. “At college, maybe.”

“Maybe.”

“Is there anything I can do that might make you feel better?”

“I don’t think so.”

“Okay,” Izzy said, nodding, feeling Alec’s pain.

“What did you want when you came in?” Alec asked. “Before you realised how pathetic I was.”

“You are not pathetic,” Izzy said, reaching over and squeezing her brother’s hand. “You have to know you are not.”

Alec shrugged and waited for Izzy to say what she had come in here to say.

“I was going to ask you about Simon, but I feel that’s cruel now…”

Alec laughed through his nose. “It’s not cruel.”

“It is.”

“Ask me,” Alec said. “Unless I don’t want to know.”

Izzy laughed. “It’s nothing… sexual.”

Alec grimaced. “Good to hear.”

She laughed again and then tucked her hair behind her ear as she thought. “He said he loved me… I just… Like I feel that, in a way, but I don’t know if it’s too soon to say that, and we’re still so young… I just… I think, because mum and dad never really taught us to say it, and…”

“You don’t want to say it back, or write it back, however you’re going to respond?”

“I don’t know.” Izzy paused. “I don’t know why I think you can help. You can’t know our feelings or mine, but I just needed to talk about it.”

“Do you love him?”

“I don’t know. It was only a summer.” Izzy tutted to herself. “Surely, if I have to think about it this much, I shouldn’t say it. But Simon said it, so…”

“You shouldn’t just say it to make him feel good.”

“Would you say it to Magnus?”

“Yes,” Alec said, without hesitating. “I wish I had.”

Izzy seemed startled by the revelation, and she paused before she asked, “And you’re not going to? Not in a letter or something?”

“No.”

“Why?”

“Because he’s got his life and I have mine.”

“But… But…” Izzy could not comprehend it, and Alec couldn’t really, either. He wanted to say it in person and, if he could not, he would not say it at all.

“Tell him if you want to,” Alec said. “And if you need to wait, then wait. I think Simon would prefer you were sure in your decision rather than say it in your uncertainty.”

Izzy thought about it for a moment. She clearly wanted to ask more about Alec’s situation, but Alec was done talking about that. If Izzy could be happy, Alec wished her happy, and he would not speak about his heartache if he didn’t have to. It would cause more pain, and Alec could go through no more.

She nodded, mouth opening and closing a few times before she gave up. She stood and put the chair underneath the desk, turning back to say, “Sleep well. Love you, Alec.”

“Love you, too,” Alec said, watching as his sister smiled and left the room, closing the door with a gentle click.

He remained where he was for a while, just staring into space, thinking of nothing, living in his emotions. When he finally managed to get to sleep, his last thoughts were of summer and Magnus’ bed that would, forever, be Magnus’.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, happy Queen of Air and Darkness week everyone!!! 
> 
> For those who read the books and have been reading The Dark Artifices, the long await finally arrived. I read it over two days, I did not get much sleep and I did not speak to many people just so I could read it all. I was an absolute mess and I loved it so much and I am desperate for The Wicked Powers to come out even though that is after The Last Hours and is years away. The last chapter made me sob, it was so powerful and amazing, and I hope everyone who reads The Dark Artifices and has read Queen of Air and Darkness enjoyed it as much as I did.
> 
> As ever, thank you for reading and I will see you next week x


	30. To Complicate Further

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y’all might be bigtime mad for this one, but I hope you enjoy anyway x

Magnus stared at the envelope in his hands for, perhaps, twenty minutes. He had never gotten his hopes up. Every time he returned from work, he would open up his letterbox, sift through things, and not become expectant. But then he had seen it, and he had recognised his handwriting within an instant, and his heart had called to summer and Italy and to a love he would not find again.

He had tried to calm his beating heart as he climbed the stairs, clutching the letter in his hand. Etta wasn’t there, she was working on her music, Magnus could read it, alone, and let his heart be fond of another for a moment.

But then he had gotten into the apartment and stared, overwhelmed and nostalgic. He didn’t know what Alec had written, what he might write about, and it had made him stare, living in a bubble where time did not exist. If he opened it, a different thing would exist, their relationship, whatever it was, it would evolve into something new, and Magnus wasn’t prepared for what that might be.

He stared until his curiosity could no longer be tamed, and then he opened it, delicately, his mind fully aware of the fact Alec had touched this. Alec’s fingers had been on this paper, and Magnus would not forget that fact.

When he read the first two words, he had to sit down, his heart finding an unsteady rhythm.

_Dear Magnus,_

_I’ve been sat here for a few hours, wondering what to write. I’m still not sure._

_There was a lot of turbulence on the plane home, which I’ve never been a big fan of, even after all these years of flying. There are some things, I suppose, that I won’t ever get used to. Turbulence is a big one. I think my sister’s crush on Simon will, forever, be another one._

_I have school tomorrow. It’s the first day back. I’m not looking forward to it. I go to school with a lot of idiots, and they can be exhausting. I think if I fake being ill, my family might know. I’ve never been one to bunk, but I don’t know why I’m considering it now._

_Even if I did bunk, I’m not sure what I would do. The weather’s still nice here, but there’s a lot of people in California. I’m not a big fan of that, I prefer it where it’s quiet, where you can hear people walking through the villa and the cicadas as they come out at night. I can’t hear the birds so much here when the sun rises. I wish I could. Cars and shouting are not what I want to be woken by. I want to be woken by the sun coming through the windows, by the birds waking. It’s much nicer that way._

_I hope the days you have had back from Italy have gone well, and that you landed safely._

_I miss Italy._

_I miss you._

_I wish I could go back there every day, every second that goes by, I wish I was there, and I don’t know if that will ever change._

_I don’t have much more to write but, know that, if I could write the world, I would._

_Write soon,_

_Alexander._

Magnus read it three more times, memorising his handwriting, the wonderful way he wrote his e’s and crossed his t’s into the next letter. He loved every piece of ink, he loved every swirl, every dot. It was Alec’s, and Magnus would cherish it forever.

He went to find some paper and wrote out his response, choosing every word like it was writing down a piece of his heart. He could tell, even though it had been short and even though Alec hadn’t said all that much, he had intended every word to have meaning. He had intended to convey something with each letter, there had been a purpose to each word that Magnus intended to convey in his own letter. It took time, and Magnus wrote out a rough draft before he finalised his phrases and, lovingly, addressed it to Alec’s home.

Even though he wouldn’t be able to send it until tomorrow, and even though it would be a while until Alec got it, and even though it would be a while longer until Magnus might get one back, Magnus felt mightily relieved. This next step, this evolution, it felt good. Maybe there was still some heartache there, but it felt good. Magnus felt good about it, and he never thought he would feel that considering how he felt when they had parted.

Etta came home about half an hour later. Magnus wasn’t sure if he would ever tell her about Alec. Part of him wanted to, because he felt Etta was going to be a big part of his life, and, since Alec had been such a big part, he felt he should share him with her. But part of him still felt it was a secret, a beautiful and quiet thing secluded to Italy and their villa.

She asked him how his day had been, he asked about hers, it was very domestic. They had swung back into things like Magnus had not been in love over the summer. And maybe that had helped, Magnus wasn’t sure. He wanted to take that love and move forward with it, and maybe that meant with Etta.

She was wonderful and endearing and she loved him, and he loved her. Maybe he should take this love he had for Alexander, and let it fulfil him. If they could both move passed this, somehow, then they had to use it positively. Magnus would use what he had discovered about love, and embed it in his future with Etta, for she deserved that, and so did Magnus.

Over the next two months, Magnus and Alec exchanged many letters. Magnus had missed his birthday but made sure to wish him many fruitful and wonderful years in the closest letter to his birthday after the fact. And they spoke about everything; from Italy to what New York was like right now to what New York had been like the last time Alec had seen it. They wrote about Magnus never having been to California and then educating Alec on Indonesia. Magnus learned little things about Max, and he taught Alec little things about his own life.

He did not tell him about Etta.

And he did not tell Etta about him.

It was a frosty Tuesday morning when Magnus decided he was going to propose to her. He wasn’t sure just what, exactly, had triggered it, just that it made sense. He was at that point in his life where people started to get married, he was in love and he knew what love was. It just clicked, Magnus thought.

He was going to take her back to their café, and, in a quiet moment, get down on one knee. He was sure she would say yes. Maybe he was doing it because it was a certain future, because, with someone else, it was not so certain. It was an easier route, though he knew there was still love in his decision. He adored Etta, and she deserved a steady and stable future, and Magnus hoped he could give it to her.

After work, he went to the jewellery store, perusing the engagement rings within his price range. There were some very beautiful ones, some that flaunted their worth, some subtler. He thought Etta would prefer the latter, for they were a subtle couple, Magnus felt. Magnus himself might enjoy the finer things in life, but, when he was with Etta, he was quieter. She quietened his mind, his presence, she quietened his lifestyle, and Magnus was thankful for her, thankful for what she brought to his life.

After almost an hour in the shop, he decided on an engagement ring with a subtly beautiful diamond in the centre. It did not scream luxury and it did not flaunt itself, but it was beautiful. He hoped Etta would love it, because it called to Magnus when it was gifted to him in a pretty, blue box.

They were to go out Saturday evening. There was entertainment of some band booked at eight o’clock, so Magnus planned to do it before that. Maybe they would stay to enjoy the music, maybe they would go to a restaurant, maybe they would go home, celebrate other ways. They had had sex a few times, but Etta wasn’t a lustful woman. Their sex was more intimate, more relaxed, and Etta always liked it to have meaning. Magnus wasn’t sure how he felt about it, he wasn’t sure sex always had to have meaning, but he respected Etta’s wishes in thinking so.

As the day grew closer, Magnus wasn’t sure how he was feeling. He was sure he was meant to feel something, but he didn’t. Well, he felt joy, he felt relief in a way. He wasn’t sure if he was meant to feel something more. There weren’t many nerves, and he thought maybe he didn’t feel that because he was correct in his decision, but he was sure there had to be other reasons for that as well.

But he was happy, and he wanted Etta to be happy as well. They would have a bright and prosperous future together, and Magnus wanted to be happy in his future. And he did see a happy future with Etta, whatever that might hold for them.

Saturday came and they did their regular routine of breakfast, Etta working on her music as Magnus went down for the post. There was a letter from Alec, Magnus recognising his handwriting instantly. He never read them in front of Etta, not wanting her to ask questions. There was a chance she might not even ask, but Magnus wasn’t going to risk it.

He put Alec’s letter in his pocket and took the rest upstairs, giving Etta’s to her before he read through his own. The rest of his letters were fine, but he wanted to read Alec’s, and he didn’t know how to go about doing that without causing any suspicion. He supposed, with Etta reading her own mail, he could read Alec’s letter, but he always liked to study every word, reread it a couple of times, fall in love with each letter Alec had written him. He would be absorbed into that world, and Etta would surely want to question him about it, wondering what had consumed him so much.

So, he left it in his pocket and went on, doing everything that day with Alec in the back of his mind. When they ate lunch, when they watched the news, when they got ready for their date, Alec did not leave his thoughts. He didn’t know if he should have moved the letter to his jacket pocket, but he did. If he could be connected to Alec in some way, he would. And it was comforting to have Alec’s letter pressed against his heart.

The first hour or so they were at the café, Magnus was considering how he should propose. He didn’t know if he should make a little speech first, if he should just surprise her. He hadn’t really thought it out, and he wondered if he should do more preparation for this.

But he felt ready enough, and that had to mean something. Etta loved him and he loved Etta, and Magnus felt this was the right place for them to go, the right time for it to happen.

It went by in a bit of a blur, and Magnus wasn’t sure how he was going to tell everyone the story of their engagement if he didn’t particularly remember it. He remembered telling Etta he loved her, that he wanted her to know how serious he was this time around, and that he hoped she knew that. And then he had gotten down on one knee, noticing other people looking but ignoring them, focusing only on Etta’s glee.

He felt oddly relieved when Etta said yes, as if he had been doing this for her. He wanted it too, he was sure of it; to be spend the rest of his life with a beautiful and caring woman, he was lucky. But the fact she had said yes when she could have said no was such an ultimate relief.

They went for a drink afterwards, Etta unable to stop staring at her ring and Magnus unable to stop thinking about the letter pressed against his heart in his pocket. He still hadn’t read it, and he knew he should be thinking about Etta and feeling pride she loved the ring so much, but he wanted to know what Alec had written to him, and that was on his mind.

When they got back to their apartment, they made love gently on their bed, Magnus trying not to think about the letter that was still in his jacket, now hung up on the back of the door. But Etta was beautiful and her body was beautiful and Magnus was a lucky man to have her, and he knew that.

But he could not sleep afterwards. Etta had curled up to him, her head resting on his chest, but Magnus was not only thinking about Alec’s letter, he was thinking about the commitment he had made. He was going to marry her, they were going to spend the rest of their lives together. It was one of the biggest commitments a person made, and Magnus had done it. He had made this decision and he was going to go through it. He loved Etta, and he was going to be with her forever, and he was prepared for that fact.

However, he still could not sleep because Alec’s letter was unread. Shifting so Etta was sleeping by herself without being supported, Magnus got out of bed, and made his way, as silently as possible, to his jacket. He tried to be silent as he took the letter from his jacket, as he pulled on his dressing gown and as he opened the door and then went out into the living room and, as Etta did not stir, he felt he had succeeded in his silence. He wondered how he was meant to feel about doing this now he was engaged, but he didn’t really feel anything.

He read it over three times. Alec had told him about school, about a project he had to do with a few other people, who were, in no way, going to be any help. Then he wrote about Max still wanting to be taught in Italy, and how Simon and Isabelle were, somehow, still dating over their letters. Alec asked after Jem, Will, Tessa, and Jace, hoping they were all well. He also mentioned, as ever, that he missed Magnus and that he wanted to return to Italy. At the very end, he said they would be going back for Christmas, and he said: _I know it will be very different, but I hope it will bring back fond memories over more tragic ones._

Those specific words had snapped Magnus’ heart that had been full of love from proposing. Alec was going back to Italy, but he was worried about coping without Magnus being there. Magnus couldn’t even begin to imagine how awful that would be. Magnus had things to occupy his time over Christmas, and he would next summer as well. But Alec would be there, without any distractions and with all of these things which would trigger memories, and Magnus ached for him.

He didn’t realise how long he had been there, contemplating Alec’s predicament and holding the letter in his hand, but Etta came and found him. She was wearing her dressing gown, much of her skin on show. She smiled at him, Magnus discreetly folding up the letter and tucking it away.

She didn’t appear to notice, and she made them some coffee. Magnus looked at the clock, and it was too early for either of them to stir, but they had been through something exciting, so he supposed it was fine.

Then she came over to the sofa, gave Magnus his coffee, and sat down beside him.

“You couldn’t sleep either, huh?” Etta asked, admiring her ring for a minute and Magnus filling with pride.

Since it was, technically, the truth, Magnus agreed with a gentle hum.

“We should go and see your friends today,” Etta said. “Tell them about it, if you’d like.”

He wasn’t entirely sure what his friends would think of this considering they knew how in love Magnus had been with Alec, but he would have to tell them eventually, he supposed. And he did want to marry Etta. He might have to keep telling himself that until he was completely sure of it, but he did want that. And he was sure he would have to convince his friends of that fact as well.

“I’ll call Will when it’s, perhaps, a more suitable time,” Magnus said. “But that would be nice.”

“I just want to tell the world,” Etta said, a fondness in her voice that warmed Magnus’ heart. He had made her this happy, and he was proud of that, happy as well. She did make him happy, he knew that with every fibre of his being. “And, I was wondering…”

“Yes?”

“Since Italy has seemed to change you so much,” Etta began, Magnus wondering where on earth she was going with this. “And, I recall you mentioning the Lightwoods go back in the winter, maybe we could go back there. You know, for a bit of a holiday, but also, maybe to see them. I’d like to meet the people who had such an influence in your life, if you thought that was an okay thing to do.”

Magnus, stunned into silence for only a minute, thought about how he should tell her that, no, they were not going to do that. He thought of excuses, but none of them would really work. There was no way he could actually say no, because there was no way to reasonably explain how much he did not want Etta to meet Alec. The others, they were probably fine to meet, but Magnus was not sure how he would react to Alec and Etta meeting, particularly with the fact he and Etta were engaged and he had no plan to tell Alec that.

Maybe they could go to Italy, but not bump into the Lightwoods. That would be a possibility. He could take Etta to Italy and, somehow, avoid the Lightwoods. If that were a possibility, Magnus would be all for it. He wasn’t sure how that would work, but he couldn’t tell Etta he didn’t want this to happen, and he couldn’t let Etta meet Alec either. Was there a middle ground? Magnus would have to find it somehow.

“I mean, we could take a trip there,” Magnus replied. “I don’t think I could impose on their actual home again, but I’m sure there’s somewhere else we could stay.”

“Oh, of course. We wouldn’t want to be rude,” Etta said, seeming hopeful. “But, you think you would like to?”

“If you want,” Magnus said, not wanting to, but not knowing how to say no without a reasonable excuse, for he certainly didn’t have one of those.

“It would be so romantic as well, don’t you think?”

“Certainly,” Magnus replied, knowing just how romantic Italy could be.

Etta sighed contently. “I’ll look into it during the week, yeah?”

“Sure.”

Etta smiled and kissed his cheek.

Magnus was not sure exactly what he had just agreed to, but it was done. They would be going back to Italy, and Magnus was not entirely prepared for that. He was certain he would not be able to deal with Alec and his heartbreak if he found out Magnus had proposed. Why had he agreed to this?

Then Etta reminded him to call his friends, and suddenly they were at an intimate gathering that evening with them all, ready to announce the engagement. Magnus was sure the nerves did not come from announcing his engagement, but from the imminent and certain judgement he was going to receive from his friends who knew about Alec. They were going to ask questions, and Magnus knew he would not be able to answer them.

When Magnus and Etta arrived, there were instant squeals from those who saw the ring on Etta’s finger. Then they made a short announcement and brought out the champagne, and it was a little celebration. Magnus avoided direct eye contact with Jem, Will, and Tessa, Jace not there because he was out with Clary again.

However, that could not last the entire night, and Jem found him when Magnus had gone for a refill of champagne. He was not prepared for this conversation, but it was always going to have to happen.

“So,” Jem began, standing with him, observing the rest of the gathering. “Congratulations.”

“Thank you.” Magnus could feel the hesitation and reservation in his voice, but he was not going to mention anything. If Jem wanted to say something, he could broach the subject himself, and not the other way around.

“Was this…” Jem began, and then he thought about his words before he spoke them. “Is this what she wanted or what you wanted?”

“Both of us,” Magnus said. “We both wanted this, we both made this decision. I mean, she didn’t know I was going to propose, but I knew she wanted that. And I want to be able to provide her stability.”

“Stability,” Jem repeated.

“Yes.”

“Right,” Jem said, seemingly unconvinced. “And you… You offer stability?”

Magnus looked at him. “What do you mean?”

“Perhaps I’m just querying it because I know what you were like a few weeks ago.”

“Almost two months ago,” Magnus said, picking up exactly what Jem was saying. “And I had been dating Etta for three years before this summer. I do love her, and it was only a few weeks with Alexander.”

“But he is an important part of… your relationship history. Which, I’m presuming, you haven’t told Etta about.”

“I have not.”

“Do you intend to?”

Magnus was only getting frustrated because he could hear the truth behind the words, and he did not want to have to deal with this. He had just gotten engaged, he should be happy and joyful, not forced to consider the reality of his situation.

“I’m not sure,” Magnus said. “She wants to go to Italy.”

Jem winced. “And how is Alec going to take the news?”

Magnus rubbed his face with his hand. “I don’t want to tell him.”

“But she wants to go to Italy…?” Jem asked. “Presumably, to meet the Lightwoods, right?”

Magnus shrugged, not wanting to think about it. He did not have it within him to talk about this any longer. He knew marriages took work, but not at this stage, right? It didn’t have to start now, it just didn’t.

Jem, likely picking up on Magnus’ frustration, did not further the subject. But Magnus was already frustrated, and he had to take it out somewhere.

“And how is your undying love for Tessa, Jem?” Magnus asked, having picked it up months ago but letting it lie because Jem had never brought up the subject. But he was pushing Magnus about Alec, and he needed to discuss someone else’s problematic love life.

“What are you talking about?” Jem asked, but he was not a good liar when it came to Tessa for it did not come easily to him.

“It’s not easy, is it?” Magnus asked. “Please, I know how it seems, but I would truly appreciate it if you could understand my predicament and be supportive of my decision.”

“I’m not… I don’t like Tessa like that,” Jem said, completely ignoring what Magnus had said to try and rectify his own situation.

“Jem.”

“I don’t.”

“Jem.”

Jem struggled with it for a minute. But, after realising Magnus knew and that Magnus could not be swayed in the other direction, he said, “I think she and Will are in love, anyway.”

Magnus laughed through his nose. What a couple of fools they were.

“Isn’t love just the worst?” Magnus asked.

Jem looked at him and gave him a half-smile. “That is the unfortunate truth.”


	31. Return

Alec, although dreading what the villa would bring without Magnus, was counting down the seconds until they returned to Italy. His soul was enclosed here, there was no freedom in school where he was forced amongst people he did not connect with. There was a freedom to Italy that called to his heart. Magnus might not be there, but it would be enough. Maybe the memories alone would fill his empty heart. That would be the dream, but Alec tried not to rely on dreams anymore.

He only had a couple more weeks left at school. It wasn’t the end of the world. He had suffered through term after term before, he could do it again. He had to just go through the motions, and it would be over soon. Maybe he shouldn’t live in a way that felt like he was just going through the motions, but that was how he lived when he couldn’t let his soul breathe.

He was awaiting his next letter from Magnus, and felt he was biding his time and living his life between Magnus’ letters. He counted the days from when he sent a letter to when he received one. He averaged out the days and counted them down to when he expected one. Going off the average, he would get one today, and it made his day better for, even though he had school, he was expecting something to cheer him up when he got home. It made things a whole lot better.

As ever, school was the worst place to be. Alec, sincerely, hoped college would be a lot better, but he was still deciding on whether he should take a gap year or not. He was considering it more than not. He was thinking he could spend the year in Italy. It wouldn’t be difficult to do, not with Maryse living there throughout the year when she wasn’t teaching somewhere or at some academy. It would be an easy transition, and Alec felt he would need the break from school and education. He just had to finalise the decision.

They were stood around the lockers, waiting for their day to begin, and, as ever, talk got back to Italy and if Alec would be spending it cuddled up with any pretty women. Alec did not understand why teenage boys could not, most of the time, think of anything but their dicks. It was not all of them, but all his friends seemed inclined that way, and it was quite exhausting.

“I don’t know why I hang out with you,” Alec said after Matthew had made even more lewd comments about Italian women and how they had to be great to have sex with.

“Because we are incredibly entertaining,” James said, which was the biggest lie Alec had ever heard. “You’re eighteen now, the women have got to want you.”

Alec rolled his eyes. “Why are you like this?”

“You’re such a prude,” James joked, and Alec really could have slapped him. Two weeks, that’s all he had left before he had a break. Two weeks.

“I’ve known a lot of the people in that town since I was about five,” Alec said. “I do not want to sleep with them.”

Matthew tutted. “Boring.”

The bell went, and Alec could not have been more relieved. He and Elias walked together, and he was much less draining than the others. He had yet to make any stupid jokes about Alec and the women he knew out in Italy.

“When do you go?” Elias asked as they walked through the corridors.

“The day after we break up,” Alec answered, looking forward to it more than he could say.

“What’s Italy like in the winter?”

“Cold.”

Elias laughed, and Alec looked at him, not expecting him to laugh but enjoying the sound.

“Does it snow?” Elias asked, still smiling.

“Most of the time.” Alec did love Italy in the snow. It was such a difference to how it was in the summer, which was almost unbearably hot. Alec liked being able to live in both versions of Italy, whatever changes they might bring. “It’s pretty, but I’m glad it’s not like that all the time.”

“I’d like to see it one day.”

“You should,” Alec said, reaching his door and pausing only to say goodbye to Elias. “It’s a nice place to be.”

“One day,” Elias said, smiling. “See you later.”

“See you.”

Alec went through the motions for the rest of the day, going to his lessons, ignoring the stupid remarks his friends made, and excited to go home. As it was winter in California, the temperature was cooling, and the walk home wasn’t too pleasant. Although Alec knew how to drive, they only had one car and Robert was using it to get to the school he taught at. Alec didn’t mind walking, but, today, he was walking with his sister and a couple of her friends, and he did not care for them.

He wondered if he should bypass Max’s school, pick him up on the way home, but the last time he had done that, Max had said he preferred to walk by himself, and Alec wasn’t going to query it. He had his own friends to walk home with, and he deserved this level of independence when he still wasn’t allowed to live and study in Italy. The conversation with his father had not gone well, and Max would be remaining to study in America until he was done with his studies, and no one questioned their father’s decisions.

“Hey, Alec!” one of Izzy’s friends called from behind him, Alec trying to keep as far ahead of them as possible. He also did not remember her name, and he just grunted to say he was listening. “There’s a rumour going around.”

“Is there?” Alec asked, bored of the conversation before it had even really started.

“Mhm,” she continued, and Alec wished his house would appear sooner. He hated high school and its ridiculous gossipy culture. “You know Cordelia?”

“I have spoken to her once or twice, yes,” Alec said, fearing where this was going.

“Well, apparently, Jesse told Anna that Alistair overheard a conversation between Charles and Lucie where they had heard that Sona had said to Thomas that she liked you.”

“Oh, really?” Alec asked, hoping his bored tone was conveyed.

“Mhm.”

“Is that the rumour? That she might like me?”

“Yes,” Beatriz said, Alec still having not looked back at her this entire time. “Also, she wants to ask you to the Dance.”

Alec would have cursed out loud, but he wasn’t sure how the others would react to it. They would be here for whatever upcoming dance was on its way, but Alec had never been to one and he did not intend to ever go to one. His friends might convince him to go to Prom, but that was his limit. And he was not about to go to some dance with some girl he barely knew, and not just because he was still in love with a guy he had met over summer. There was also the fact he did not care for dances. And, also, the fact he did not like girls either.

He would not be saying yes if she asked him, but then there was the issue of her trying to ask him and Alec not knowing how to let people down easily. If he could just avoid her for two weeks, that would be fine. She might not even want to ask him anyway; rumours were bullshit half the time, and Alec might be worrying for no reason.

Thankfully, his house appeared and he did not respond, leaving his sister to gossip for another twenty minutes before she came home as well. He eagerly sifted through the mail and found his letter from Magnus, recognising his beautiful, swirled handwriting in an instant. It made his young heart sing, and he left the rest of the mail, which was for his father, on the counter in the kitchen, and went up to his bedroom to read what Magnus had written him.

It was quite a short letter, but Alec supposed they wrote to each other so often, there wasn’t always going to be tonnes to write about. But they would always find something to talk about, and Alec would assure of that.

Magnus said not much had changed, that his friends were doing well. He asked what the villa was like in Italy during the winter, and what the last weeks of school would be like for him. It was just little things, and Alec adored every single letter. He knew Magnus’ handwriting perfectly now, and each line was the most wonderful thing in the world.

Alec had a drawer in his desk that was just for Magnus’ letters. There was one drawer that was a collection of the letters he had saved over the years, and then one that was specifically for Magnus. It wasn’t all that full yet, but Alec hoped, over the years, it would grow into a wonderful and beautiful thing, and he knew, in a few weeks or months or years, he would come back and reread these letters and remember everything.

Rereading it again, always reading it at least twice, Alec set himself at his desk and instantly wrote back. He always liked to get it done the instant he could, wanting Magnus’ response as soon as possible. He might get one more letter back from Magnus before he had to tell him to address them to the villa instead. He still wanted his letters over winter, and he would make sure he still got them.

He told Magnus all about Italy in the winter, trying to subtly say just how much he wanted Magnus there. He wrote: _I wish you could see it. It’s so beautiful in the winter._ It was implication enough that he wanted him to be there without saying the exact words.

Briefly, he mentioned what he had been told on his walk home about Cordelia, and dreading any possible future encounters he might have with her. He hoped, by saying he did not want to go to a dance with some girl, it was obvious he still liked Magnus. Again, he did not say the exact words, and he hoped the implication was enough.

His sister came bounding through the door just as Alec was finishing writing, searching for an envelope in his drawers and discovering he had none. He would have to buy some tomorrow, but his thought process was interrupted by his sister appearing.

“I am so sorry,” Izzy said, coming to sit on his bed, not noting anything about who he was writing to. “I told her to not say anything.”

“I do not care,” Alec said, because he really did not.

“I’m still so sorry,” Izzy said, tightening her high ponytail and scoffing. “What will you do if she asks you?”

“Why do we talk about high school like it’s the most important thing in people’s lives? Why is high school drama meant to be exciting?”

Izzy snorted. “I didn’t realise you were so pretentious.”

“I don’t think I am.”

She snorted again. “You are being a little bit pretentious. But, for you, I understand why you don’t care about high school and gossip, but, for some people, high school _is_ their lives. I know you’ve already mentally moved on, but some people are still there, okay?”

Alec nodded.

“I know we’re in different years, but do you want me to tell her you’re not interested?” Izzy asked.

“Is she _actually_ interested?” Alec asked. “I thought it was just a rumour.”

Izzy shrugged. “Rumours stem from truth, sometimes.”

Alec wished he was not in high school any longer. He was not built for this life, his soul did not belong in this environment. He needed to be free, and he could not wait until summer began and he would be free from this world. For some people, it was their life, and that was fine. It just wasn’t Alec’s world. It was far from it.

“Or, I can let her ask you and then let her face humiliation when you say no.” Izzy looked at him pointedly.

“Humiliation?”

“High school is rough, Alec.”

Alec sunk into his chair. “Fine. Talk to her.”

Izzy laughed. “Okay. I will see what I can do.”

She stood, going to leave before she paused in front of the door, seeming to finally realise what Alec was doing.

“Oh, there’s envelopes downstairs,” Izzy said. “I bought a whole bunch for Simon. The kitchen drawer is full of them.”

“Thank you.”

She threw him her wide smile and left the room.

The Dance was the main subject of everything for the next two weeks. Alec was, obviously, not going. Even though he was teased by everyone, except Elias who also didn’t seem to be going, he was not going to cave. Sure, he would still be in the country and could go, but he did not go to these things. He decided he would be packing instead, though, really, he didn’t need to pack much considering the villa was his second home.

Thankfully, Cordelia did not come and ask him to the Dance. Izzy told him she had let her down easy, and Alec was glad. He did not know how he would have had that conversation.

He caught her once or twice staring at him down the hall, and he hadn’t quite known how to react. He had looked away instantly, trying not to make her feel bad. He had not dealt with crushes before, and he was glad to be escaping to Italy where he would not have to deal with this any longer.

The last lesson before he felt freedom, he was beside Elias, the students around them jabbering on about their breaks and the Dance, Alec keeping out of it. He would be back in Italy tomorrow, and he wasn’t sure what that would bring. He would be sleeping in his bed again, without Magnus sleeping just a door over. That fact consumed his mind, and he didn’t know how he was going to cope when he was actually there.

“You really can’t wait to leave, huh?” Elias asked, Alec not realising Elias was watching him.

“Not really,” Alec said. There was no point in lying. He and Elias weren’t that close, but it wasn’t like they were going to form some wild bond before the end of the year, and he saw no point in lying to him now.

“Is Italy that wonderful?”

“I don’t know if it’s for that reason I like to be there,” Alec said. “I just prefer it.”

“The culture?”

Alec shrugged. “It’s more me than California is.”

“More you?”

Alec nodded.

“How?”

Alec looked at him, furrowing his brow at Elias’ smile.

“Sorry,” Elias apologised. “I just get curious.”

“Right.”

Thankfully, someone else wanted Elias’ attention then, and Alec was spared having to explain why Italy felt more like his soul than California did.

When it was time to go, there was some hugging and farewells, but Alec got out of there as soon as he could, ready to be home, far away from students who were not his people. They were fine friends, but they weren’t the kind of friends Alec could see himself having in ten years’ time. School, rarely, gave you lifetime friends, and Alec knew he was not one of those lifetime people.

Izzy came home an hour after school had actually finished, but Max was home just shortly after Alec had gotten in. He wasn’t one of those people who lived for school, and the two of them were connected on that level. Alec didn’t think he and Max had an awful lot in common, but they had this in common, so it was something.

Their father stayed in the States for Christmas, so it was Alec, as per usual, leading his brother and sister through the airport and onto the plane. The flights always felt long, even if he had done them dozens of times. This one was no different, particularly with his reservations about how he was going to cope in the villa without Magnus.

There was going to be so much of the villa that reminded him of Magnus, and Alec wasn’t entirely prepared to deal with that. The villa, Italy, it was theirs in a way Alec could not explain. To be half of a whole like that, Alec knew little like it. He knew what it felt to be half of a whole in a different city, but to be half of a whole back in Italy, when he had been full in Italy, he was not sure how to deal with that. It was going to be painful, and he knew it.

When they landed in Italy and got on the old train to their little slice of the country, Alec dreaded walking through those villa doors again. He was a different person now than when he had arrived in the summer, and he didn’t know how to look at the villa when he was this different.

He knew the villa itself was going to feel different. It was going to miss someone Alec was so used to having there. He had gotten used to Magnus being there in a different way to the other guests, for obvious reasons of course. And now Magnus was gone and Alec had to live in the villa for two weeks without him when he did not know how to do that anymore. Magnus had affected him in so many ways, and Alec wasn’t sure how to deal with all the repercussions from their passionate and consuming love.

As the villa dawned on them, Max talking about something as they sat in some car their mother had hired for them, Alec’s heart did a multitude of things; one of which was drop because the villa held so many different emotions, and it skipped for that reason as well. He did not know how to cope when he got into his room or even Magnus’ room. It was so daunting.

Their mother wasn’t in yet, which wasn’t surprising, so they each went to their own rooms to unpack their little bags they had brought. Izzy had shoved things in her own bag the morning they had left, still going on about the Dance and all the wild things that had happened. There was some drama between some couple who had promised to go with each other but had ended up with other people, and it was the talk of the town, apparently. Maybe Alec was pretentious, he didn’t know, he just thought high school gossip wasn’t for him.

Walking through his bedroom door, he wasn’t sure how he felt. It was a little numb, that was what he felt most. To look at his room, which he hadn’t slept in for the latter weeks of the summer, was surreal. Bridget had made the bed already, though she did not stay for the winter in this villa, so she had likely done it a few days ago before she left.

And, even though it was almost exactly the same, it was ultimately different. There was a different aura to it, a different wash of emotions to how it usually felt. Usually, there wasn’t much of a feeling, but now there were so many different things, and a lot of them were happy, but there were some which were dejected and tragic, some of them were filled with loss. Some of them were of their wonderful days together, full of memories, and some of the others were so tragic Alec could have broken and cried right away.

But he didn’t. He kept himself composed, went into his room, and breathed in. Alec had had to leave Magnus’ shirt here because he could see no explanation for wearing it around the house when it was a touch too big for him anyway. He walked over to his wardrobe and opened it, touching the fabric and letting Magnus’ smell come back to his lungs. It was faded, but it was still there, it was still Magnus and Alec would wear it as often as possible when he was here, in Italy. He could take it back to the States, he supposed, and maybe he would one day but, for now, as their love belonged in Italy, Alec would keep it here until he was ready to move it out.

He had thought he would be okay, that seeing his shirt would keep him composed and keep his heart from aching too much but, to his left, the bathroom door which led into Magnus’ room was open, the door into his room also ajar. It froze Alec in his spot. He could see a part of the bed, one of the chairs in the room, and some of the artwork on the walls. It wasn’t much, but it was enough to set him off, not to cry, but enough to make his heart hollow.

He left his bag on the floor and walked through the bathroom into Magnus’ room, which wouldn’t ever be Magnus’ again. The sheets were changed, the wardrobe was empty, there was nothing in here that ever would have signified Magnus had been in here, that they had slept in this bed together. It made him ache.

Alec could do nothing but stand in this empty room full of memories, and ache for it. It had been four months since Alec had seen him, since he had heard his voice, since they had slept in the same bed. Alec couldn’t believe it had been so long. It felt like so much longer, his heart aching, empty. There was so much missing from his being, and he thought he had recovered slightly during his time at school, but that had not been the case. He ached, and it hollowed him so much, he did not know how he was going to cope for these two weeks, or how he was going to cope every time they returned afterwards.


	32. Dread Where It Does Not Belong

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everyone had a very Happy Holidays whatever it may be that you celebrate. I hope everyone has a very Happy New Year as well, and thank you for spending the weekend before the New Year reading this next chapter :D x

They were going to Italy in two days’ time. Magnus did not know what to do with that information. Etta had come up to bed a few days ago, climbed in beside Magnus, and told him she had made all the arrangements. Magnus had thought there would be more discussions beforehand, but Etta had decided what she wanted to do, and Magnus’ one, hesitant ‘yes’, had been enough. Magnus had thought he would discourage her somehow, but it had not happened, and he was going back to Italy.

She had booked a little hotel just on the outskirts of the town Magnus had stayed in during the summer. Magnus did not know what to do with that information. She seemed excited about it, excited about the prospect of meeting some of the Lightwoods. And Magnus was not excited about that.

Alec had written to him, telling him what they usually did over the two weeks they were there. Thankfully, Magnus and Etta were only there for a week, which included the travelling days. Maybe they could skip out on seeing them completely somehow, though Magnus doubted that. He wasn’t dreading seeing them because he didn’t want to see them, it was because of what they meant to him. He could not bear to see Alec again. Not with his engagement, and not back in the villa where they had fallen for each other.

But he could not deny Etta this now. She had booked things. They would be on a plane in two days. Magnus felt he needed more time to prepare for this than he had, and he did not even have enough time to tell Alec. He did not want to tell him, anyway, but if he had wanted to, the letter would not arrive to the villa in time. He was practically stressing about it.

With Etta working on her music somewhere, Magnus called the villa. He hoped Alec did not pick up. If Alec picked it up, Magnus would have to hang up the phone straight away. He was not ready to hear his voice again, not ready to speak to him again. He did not think he would be ready to see him again either, not after what they meant to each other. Of course, he was desperate to see him and kiss him and hold him. But he was engaged to a very beautiful and loving woman, and they would not have that relationship ever again.

It rang four times, and Magnus wondered if anyone was even home. Alec had told him Robert stayed home for Christmas and Easter, so he could get any of the children or Maryse, and he was hoping for the latter.

“Pronto?” the voice on the other end answered, and it sounded like Maryse.

“Is that Maryse?” Magnus asked, needing clarification.

“Yes,” Maryse said, thankfully switching to English. His Italian was pretty good, but he hadn’t used it in four months, and he did not think it would be so good now. “Who is this?”

“It’s Magnus.”

“Oh, hello, Magnus,” Maryse greeted. “It’s lovely to hear from you. How have you been?”

Magnus gave her a quick rundown of his few months, leaving out the part of his engagement. He felt comfortable enough to tell Maryse, but he did not want her to mention it to Alec. Magnus knew Alec deserved to hear that from him, and that had to happen in person, not over a letter and not over the phone.

He asked how Italy had been over the autumn and into winter, and Maryse said it was lovely and that it had begun snowing. Magnus wondered if that would prevent them from being able to land in Italy. But that was an awful thing to hope for, and Magnus felt a great shame for almost wishing that. Etta wanted to see Italy, and she had every right to. If she knew why Magnus had reservations, maybe she would reconsider, but Magnus could not tell her without conveying just how much he had loved, and maybe still did love, Alexander.

“I’m glad to hear you’re doing well,” Maryse finished, clearing wanting to know why Magnus was calling.

“And you,” Magnus replied, preparing himself for how to phrase what he was about to say. “So, in a couple of days, um… I’m coming to Italy, actually.”

“Oh, wonderful. Do you have somewhere to stay?”

“Yes, yes, we, uh, we have booked a little hotel just outside the town.”

“That’s lovely. I’m glad you’re coming back.”

“I just wanted to let you know,” Magnus said. “Just, you know, if you saw us at all, that is why.”

“You are welcome to dinner whenever you want.”

“That’s very kind. Thank you, Maryse.”

“You’re very welcome. I hope to see you soon.”

“And you.”

Magnus wasn’t sure if he felt better or worse. He hoped she did not mention to Alec that he was going to be back, but he had no control over that now. He was glad he had not told Maryse he was bringing Etta, because he was sure that would cause some confusion, but he had said ‘we’, and he wondered if Maryse thought he was bringing Jem or one of the others. Maybe this would be more of a shock, and maybe he should have mentioned Etta, but it was too late now, and Magnus did not think he should dread a holiday with his fiancée, but he did.

He was meant to be seeing some of his friends tomorrow, the day before they left. He was not sure how he was supposed to deal with them, knowing what Jem, Will, and Tessa knew. They knew what Italy meant to Magnus, and they knew it would be difficult when he returned. Particularly as he was returning as an engaged man to a world where he loved another.

Thankfully, Etta was also going to be at this meal they had booked so, as long as his friends behaved and made no sly or provoking comments, they could get through it. Magnus didn’t necessarily trust Will to keep away from those comments, for he was Will after all. But the others might keep quiet, and he needed that. His own emotions were running wild, and he needed stability from his friends to make him understand his decisions.

He felt he understood his decisions, but there was also a part of him that wasn’t sure if he was doing it for the right reasons. He did love Etta, and he wanted to offer her a happy future, but he wasn’t sure if he had proposed because Etta wanted it or if they both wanted it. And then he wondered if Alec had a part in it as well.

Etta was already packed, and Magnus was going to leave it until tomorrow. The longer he left it, the better he felt about it. He was sure he wasn’t meant to feel like this, and he knew there were a thousand causes towards his emotions, and he knew everyone felt these things. But he had made such a big commitment whilst feeling all these difficult things, and he was sure that wasn’t the smartest thing to have done. But Etta seemed so happy, and Magnus didn’t know if he could ever break that happiness. He enjoyed making other people happy, and Etta seemed so ecstatic, and she was talking about dates and themes and colours, and it was lovely to hear. Sometimes, Magnus forgot he would be the other person in this wedding, and then he would remember, and it would hit him and he was suddenly intimidated by everything Etta was saying; not because he was intimidated by marriage, but because he was intimidated by spending his life with the wrong person, and he wasn’t sure he had made the right choice.

“You really should pack the second we get back,” Etta said as they made the journey the next morning to where they would be eating.

They would be in Italy tomorrow. Magnus was trying to live in denial, but his fiancée reminding him he still had to pack was not allowing him to stay in that state. It was jarring. Magnus loved Italy, but he was not sure he would love it with Etta, and then he was sure that was not the right thing to feel.

“I promise, I will,” Magnus said, filling with dread. He might see Alec again, and then, if he saw Alec, Alec would meet Etta. He had absolutely no idea how Alec might react, and that was the main cause of his dread.

They greeted the others when they reached the little restaurant, and Magnus sat beside his fiancée and Jem. He was sure he could feel Jem watching him and constantly looking at the ring on Etta’s finger. Magnus would make no comment, and if Jem said something, he just had to remind him he was in love with Tessa and that was as difficult as his own situation, and he hoped Jem could understand love was not always easy. People could not have it the perfect way, and he had a beautiful woman who loved him and whom he loved, and he hoped everyone around them knew that.

They spoke about Italy, they spoke about Christmas plans. Etta and Magnus would be back for Christmas, but he had to get through their week first. He would think about Christmas afterwards. They had done their Christmas shopping, Etta was organised, and she had made sure it was done before they went away. But, again, Magnus was not thinking about Christmas until Italy was done with.

The conversation steered towards the Lightwoods, and his heart panged to hear Alec’s name. Jem and Will and Tessa used it with ease, they used it like all he was to them was a friend, someone they knew. And, to them, that’s all he was. But, to Magnus, he was a lover, a dear friend, someone Magnus would, forever, hold close to his heart. To utter Alexander’s name was to put into reality how much he cared for him. He knew, even to say his name and the way he said his name made that clear, and he did not feel comfortable saying Alexander’s name in front of Etta.

“What are they like?” Etta asked. “If I meet them, I mean. I know I might not, but if we do go around or if we do bump into them, I would love to know what they were like beforehand.”

“He hasn’t told you?” Will asked, and Magnus did not look at him to gratify his statement.

“He hasn’t said much at all,” Etta said, nudging Magnus lovingly with her shoulder. “I presume it’s because he wants me to experience it more than tell me what it’s like.”

“I’m sure that’s it,” Will said, and Magnus still did not look at him.

“They’re lovely,” Tessa said, jumping in before Magnus reached across the table to slap him. “Really, if you get the chance to meet them, you’re going to experience such a cultured and interesting family.”

“Really?” Etta asked. Magnus knew she was so interested in them because they had changed Magnus, but she did not know just how different Magnus was now.

“Really,” Tessa repeated. “You can’t not love them.”

“Ain’t that the truth?” Will said, snorting.

Magnus glared at him, glad Etta didn’t make a comment. She likely thought it was an inside joke, and Magnus could not be more relieved about that.

“If you meet them,” Magnus began, still holding onto that hopeful possibility. “They’re very intelligent, and you will be able to hold a very interesting conversation with them. Isabelle, Max, and uh, and Alec all play instruments, so…”

“Oh, wonderful,” Etta gushed. “That’s wonderful to hear. I do hope we can have a dinner with them. I would love to meet them.”

“I’m sure they’d love to meet you,” Will said. Sometimes, Magnus adored Will. Sometimes, he could have throttled him. This was one of the latter times, and he really felt himself heated for there were people at the table who knew a whole lot more about his summer than the woman he was meant to be marrying, and Magnus knew that was not how things should be.

But he did not know how to rectify that situation. He did not know how to tell Etta without expressing just how much he loved Alec. And he didn’t think it was impossible to love multiple people, but he knew he loved Alec, and he wasn’t sure if it was more than he loved Etta. And it was such an awful and consuming feeling. Every second that passed, he was surer of his love for Alec, and less sure of his commitment to Etta. He adored her, he really did, but he didn’t know if his adoration was as much as was necessary for marriage. Marriage took work and a steady foundation, and he had thought he was prepared for that, but knowing he might see Alec again in Italy did not help any reassurance issues he was having.

“I don’t know if we’ll go out all that much,” Magnus said after a brief pause, everyone eating as their food arrived. “It is snowing, apparently.”

“Oh, but I bet it’s beautiful,” Etta said, and she was probably right, but Italy would be beautiful to Magnus no matter the season. “I can just imagine how idyllic it would look.”

“You should have seen it during the summer,” Will said. Magnus did not know why he was such a prat sometimes, but he really was. Magnus did love him, but he really could slap him as well. “There was so much life and excitement. And the weather is just… It’s just, wonderful. So much skin, just everywhere, people jumping into the sea, it’s a very interesting atmosphere.”

“Skin? Everywhere?” Etta asked, half-laughing, half-disgusted by the idea. She wasn’t too fond of anyone showing too much skin.

“It was very warm,” Will said, but Magnus, Tessa, and Jem knew exactly what he was insinuating. Poor Etta had no idea what he was talking about, but they all did, and it was not making Magnus enjoy the meal. He was dreading going back to Italy as it was, but Will was making it even worse.

“I might prefer it in the winter, then,” Etta said.

“Maybe,” Will agreed, and there was a whole host of reasons as to why she would prefer it in the winter, and the fact Magnus was going to be with her instead of Alec was likely one of them.

Will excused himself then as some more drinks arrived, and Magnus followed him out. Maybe he would throttle him in the restroom, who knew.

When they got to the restroom, Magnus rounded on Will, just staring at him as Will smiled.

“Something wrong?” Will asked, still smiling.

“Why are you doing this to me?”

“Doing what?”

“William, don’t. Just don’t.”

“I’m just talking about Italy, that’s all.”

“That’s not at all what you’re doing, and you know it.”

Will rolled his eyes.

“I know what you and Tessa and Jem think about this-,” Magnus began.

“Oh, sure, you totally seem to,” Will interrupted.

“What does that mean?”

“We like Etta.”

Magnus, confused about what Will meant, said nothing for a moment. Then, he said, “As do I?”

“Do you really? Because we all know how affected you were when you had to leave Alec. We all know how much you liked Alec. And we like Alec, too.”

“What’s your point?”

Will rolled his eyes again. “Etta does not deserve this. You cannot take her to Italy to meet the guy you were having sex with and clearly were in love with. You cannot do that to either of them. That’s not fair.”

“I want to marry Etta.”

“I don’t believe you. Why are you going back to Italy, then? Why are you going back to Alec?”

“She wanted to go.”

“And you don’t?”

Magnus did. He wanted to go back to Italy to see Alec, to kiss him again maybe. Etta being there was a hinderance to that, and so he was not going to kiss Alec. But he loved Etta, and he wanted to please her and give her the things she wanted. He did want to go back to Italy, but not like this.

“There is… I mean, I would like to, of course. But not like this.”

“Not with the woman you’re going to marry?” Will asked, as if Magnus didn’t know how tragic the situation was.

“Will, I am not saying that what I am doing is fool proof. But I am trying to make a life for myself.”

“By marrying a woman you don’t really love?”

“I do love her!” Magnus said, and, whilst he meant it, he did not, entirely, feel it.

Will just looked at him.

“How do I tell her we can’t go back to Italy?” Magnus asked. “What was I supposed to say to her to make her understand I could not go back there?”

“Let me ask you one thing, just so I understand where you stand on this whole situation.”

Magnus did not respond.

“All these letters you’re sending to Alec, has a single one of them included Etta?”

Magnus’ lack of response answered for him.

“And, sure, you could be doing that to spare his feelings,” Will began. “But is that really the reason you’re not telling him? Because I don’t think it is. If you tell him, you can’t have him again, right? And you still want him.”

Magnus could not respond, for the truth was too intense, and Magnus liked living in a world where things were easier, in a world where he loved someone he could have more than someone he could not.

“You shouldn’t do that to either of them,” Will said.

“Why are making me sound like an asshole?” Magnus asked.

Will shrugged. “I don’t think you’re an asshole. I just think Etta and Alec love you a lot, and they deserve the truth from you.”

“Because you’re always so truthful?”

“We’re not talking about me.”

“Maybe we should. That way, you’ll know it’s not as easy as knowing the right thing to do, and doing it.” Magnus paused, calming himself. They could not be out here much longer without causing suspicion, and he did not want anyone else involved in this. “Why don’t you tell Jem he can ask Tessa out? Why don’t you tell Tessa you love her? Why don’t you tell Jem you love her as well?”

Will laughed. “We’re not talking about me.”

“But you know how difficult these things can be.”

“It’s not the same. I’m in love with a woman, and my best friend loves her as well, but it is Tessa’s decision, in the end, and neither of us will put that on her. You have two wonderful people who are in love with you, and you can have either if you chose, and yet you want both. That’s not fair on them, Magnus, and you know it.”

Magnus was saved from responding by someone coming through the door, and the two shared one more look before Magnus simply left. He sat back down with the others and did not look at Will when he joined them.

He tried to consider Will’s words as he packed and got everything ready for their travels, but one thought spiralled into another and it was difficult to focus on one at a time. He tried to focus on his love for Etta and his future with her and if he was really trying to save himself for Alec, but then he was thinking about Alec and whether he didn’t tell Etta about him because he wanted them both. He didn’t want them both, he was not greedy and he would never consider that, but he did wonder if he was saving himself for Alec in some way. Even though he did not see them having a future, he was still set on it, and he did want a future that could include Alec to happen. So, of course, he was not being totally fair with Etta.

But there was no way to tell her because they had only a few hours before they were in Italy. And he wondered if telling Etta about Alec would solve all his problems. He doubted it, but it was yet another troubling thought clogging up his mind. It was one after another, and it was disastrous.

And then they were on the plane and they were going to Italy. Magnus might see Alec again, with Etta at his side and a ring on her finger. He didn’t know where his mind was or what he was feeling or what he was even doing, and it was happening. If he saw Alec, he did not know how he would react or what he would say, and his heart was already aching.

He loved Etta, but he also loved Alec, and he was sure this trip was going to secure, in his mind, that he had made the wrong decision.


	33. Not Like This

Alec was sure he was due a letter, but he wasn’t going to complain. Alec had gone back to the villa, he could wait a little longer. Even if he clung to those letters like they were his life and the moments in between were nothing, he could live without the next letter for a few more days, he was sure he had not grown that dependent on Magnus.

It had been Magnus’ birthday earlier in the month and, although Alec didn’t think he would ever send Magnus anything for it, he still wanted to buy him something. Maybe it was silly, but he wanted to, he wanted to do something for Magnus, because he was still in his heart and he was back in Italy where everything began. Even if he never gave it to him, he felt at least commemorating it would settle something in his mind.

Not a lot of the shops were open in the winter for trade would be even smaller than it was in the summer, but Alec knew which ones were open for he had been here every winter for almost two decades. He wasn’t sure what he should get Magnus, and he had thought about, maybe, painting him something instead, maybe the villa, maybe the ocean, but that would take a lot of time. Maybe he could another time, but he wanted to get him something, just because he could, really.

As he perused, he knew Magnus would like anything Alec got him, but he wanted to find him something perfect. He adored Magnus, and, even though this would never get to him because he wouldn’t send it through the mail, he wanted something Magnus would love.

He sifted through the trinkets and souvenirs, the little goodies and gifts, trying to find something unique that Magnus would love. There were lots of good things, lots of cute items, and Alec was sure Magnus would like any of them. But Alec would search and search until he found something perfect, because that was what Magnus deserved.

There was only one other person in the shop he was currently in, and they were talking to whoever was serving. Alec didn’t know them too well, but he did, kind of, know everyone in this town. It was both pleasant and claustrophobic at the same time. There was always someone he could talk to, but there was nowhere to go where you wouldn’t bump into someone you knew, either. In the winter, it was a little better, but it wasn’t perfect. People lived here, so there would always be people Alec knew when he returned, and that was, perhaps, one of the things he least appreciated about Italy.

He found a keychain with a pressed dahlia encased in glass amongst all the assorted gifts, and it called to his heart. He knew Magnus had another pressed dahlia Alec had gifted him, but it was another thing Alec might give him, though he never would, really. Maybe he would mail it, maybe he would keep it and pretend he would see Magnus again to give it to him in person. Either way, it was what he wanted to get him.

He paid for it whilst the shopkeeper was still talking and did not engage in their conversation for he did not want to. Putting it carefully in his pocket and bidding them goodbye, he walked outside, pulling his scarf over his nose. It hadn’t snowed this morning, but there was still so much of it that had settled over the last few days and it meant Alec had to tread carefully. He was wearing a scarf and gloves and a big coat, but he didn’t own a hat because hats did not suit him. It made his ears cold and they were probably awfully red, but he did not own a hat, and he would suffer for it.

Alec did not ride his bike through the snow because there was always so much ice beneath the surface and he was not going to fall off due to carelessness. It didn’t make walking any easier or any more fun because he always got cold toes, but the scenery was nice.

These roads and paths were the clearest in their entire town, though they were not perfectly clear for there was not enough people to walk through it and get rid of it. There weren’t many people out and about, but Alec was not surprised. People only travelled when they had to in this weather and popping to the souvenir shops wasn’t something a lot of people thought was a necessity.

He walked through a small alley and emerged the other side with a small row of grocery shops that were open. And he stopped in his tracks, freezing in his spot as he thought he recognised someone standing outside one. They weren’t a person from Italy he recognised, but someone from far away who had stolen his heart in Italy.

He managed to take one step forward, baffled and confused and wondering if he was hallucinating. He honestly felt he was, because there was no way he was actually here. There was no way. He had to be hallucinating.

There was not as much skin on show as he was used to, and he was not wearing sunglasses, and there was no sweat, but it was him. Alec would know him wherever he was and whatever he was wearing, and he would, forever, have his heart stopped by him.

But he could not believe he was here. He had said nothing in his letters, and Alec wondered if he really was hallucinating. Or maybe it was a side effect of snow blindness he didn’t realise he had.

He took another step forward, and it solidified even further, closer to his profile as this beautiful man leaned over to look through the window. His skin was less brown, having lost some of his tan, and he had some dark flecks of hair across his jaw, and his eyelashes were still the longest Alec had ever seen. Alec’s heart was in his mouth, because it _was_ Magnus, and he did not know how Magnus was here.

Somehow finding his voice, Alec asked, “Magnus?”

Magnus looked at him, probably recognising his voice instantly. At least, Alec hoped that was the case.

Looking at him, face on, Alec felt summer wash over him and he was remembering kissing him on the beach and being held by him under the moonlight, and he saw his green eyes and fell in love with him all over again. He was beautiful framed in the white snow, his clothes so much heavier than Alec was used to, and yet, as ever, he was beautiful.

His voice left him as he looked at Magnus, shocked into silence seeing him here. He had not prepared himself to see Magnus back here, and it was jarring.

“Hello,” Magnus greeted, and his voice was music to Alec’s ears, it sent his heart thumping.

“Hi,” Alec replied, for it was the only thing his voice could manage.

Magnus smiled a slight smile at him, but it was enough to make Alec’s heart soar. He hadn’t seen his smile in months, he had only been able to dream it, and no dreams could do his smile justice.

“You’re here?” Alec asked, voice still quiet, hands fisted in his pockets, trying to steady himself.

“Yes,” Magnus agreed, and Alec felt like there was a lot more information Magnus should offer up, but he didn’t saying anything else, and Alec was in too much awe to ask the questions he needed to ask.

“Where, uh, where are you staying?” Alec asked, hopeful for a minute.

“We have a hotel,” Magnus said. “It’s just on the outskirts of town.”

Alec nodded, not sure if he should ask about the ‘we’ part. Maybe Jem was here, or Will, or Tessa, or even Jace. Maybe things would feel like summer again. Maybe Alec wouldn’t feel so much pain like he had thought he was going to over this winter.

“You didn’t say you were coming back,” Alec said, unsure of the atmosphere between them. Magnus was being hesitant, and Alec didn’t know how to behave around him when he was hesitant.

“I didn’t want…” Magnus paused, thinking of his words before he said them. “I wasn’t sure how it might come across if I did.”

“What do you mean?” Alec’s heart was sinking, and he wondered if summer was where they were perfect. Maybe winter wasn’t for them, and maybe Magnus knew that before Alec did. And his heart that had been soaring only a moment before was now cracking.

Magnus went to say something, but a door from one of the stores open, and a lady came out wrapped in layers, a big scarf around her neck. Magnus seemed distracted by her, smiling at her. Alec didn’t know who she was, but she seemed to know Magnus as she joined him by his side, and Alec felt out of place. This was a piece of Magnus from New York, and Alec could tell instantly. Alec wasn’t sure he wanted to know this piece of Magnus, but he could not escape it now.

“Hi,” the lady greeted, a bag in hand, smiling at Alec.

Alec smiled at her, looking to Magnus for something, some indication into what was happening.

“Etta, this is Alec. Alec, this is Etta,” Magnus introduced, and Etta held out her gloved-hand, Alec shaking it politely. He did not know who Etta was, and he felt he did not want to know, not with the way she was leaning into Magnus casually.

“I’ve heard a lot about you, Alec,” Etta said, and her smile was pretty, but Alec felt his heart drop even further. “All good things, I promise.”

Alec nodded, trying to smile, though he did not feel it. He wasn’t sure if he was coming to realise what they were to each other, but he didn’t want to realise it, and he was keeping the lightbulb moment at bay.

There was a pause, Magnus not making eye contact with Alec, and Alec looking constantly back and forth between them both.

“How long are you here?” Alec asked, not sure which one of them to look at.

“Just a week,” Etta answered. “We go back a few days before Christmas.”

“Right,” Alec said, nodding.

“I just thought it would be nice,” Etta began. “Magnus came back so changed, and, now we’re engaged, I just thought I’d love to see what this place was like.”

Alec did not process the word ‘engaged’ for a little while. He heard it and he understood what it meant, but in this current situation, he did not know how to handle it. He did not put the words together in the way they were implied, and it was the last thing Alec wanted to hear.

“Engaged?” Alec asked, looking at Magnus who still avoided eye contact. “Con-, uh, congratulations.”

“Aw, thank you,” Etta said.

“Thanks.” Magnus did not seem as touched by Alec’s words, and Alec wondered if Etta could tell.

“Would you, uh, would you like to come to dinner tonight?” Alec asked, not knowing what else to say, his heart in pieces as he comprehended just how far away Magnus had gone in their few months apart. He could cry if he wouldn’t confuse Etta so much in doing so. “My mum’s cooking.”

“I don’t think we could,” Magnus began, and Alec looked at him, knowing his eyes would be broken and dejected. “We wouldn’t want to surprise your mother like that.”

Etta tutted. “Do you think she would mind?”

“Not at all,” Alec said, biting back his tears, keeping his jaw set. “We always have lots of guests, you know, that come over when we don’t know they might.”

“Oh, I would love to,” Etta said. “Everyone was telling me it was such a delight to eat at your villa. We don’t do lots of homemade things, do we, Magnus?”

“Not regularly,” Magnus answered, and Alec thought his voice sounded so restrained, so unlike him. There could be a thousand reasons why, and Alec thought, maybe, Magnus hadn’t told Etta about Alec, and this conversation between the two of them might be killing him. It was killing Alec, that was for sure.

“I’ll let her know. If you get there for seven, that would be good. Magnus knows the way,” Alec said, feeling his heart tugging in pain.

“Thank you, Alec.” Etta smiled at him. “It will be wonderful to talk to you more.”

“And you.” Alec nodded, and looked at Magnus one last time before he turned and left, unable to stand the atmosphere any longer.

He walked back without thinking, feeling numb, and not only from the snow. He felt nothing. He had been in love and, the small part that had thought he and Magnus might have a future that had consumed him, it had been destroyed. It had ruined him and wrecked him, and his fragile, young heart might never recover.

He had never heard about Etta, and he had never thought Magnus would get engaged so soon. He had hoped Magnus might never get engaged but, he had always thought that, if he did, Alec would have known about the woman beforehand. He would have thought Magnus might have told him, because Alec knew he would if it was the other way around. He had thought their connection over the summer had been deeper, but, according to this new information, that was not the case.

Alec saw the villa approach and felt nothing towards it. Usually, he felt it was home, or he felt the memories, but he did not this time. He felt pain, and ache, and betrayal in a way he knew wasn’t fair. Magnus had done nothing wrong, not really. Just because Alec wanted him with all his being didn’t mean Magnus had to feel the same. He had moved on, and Alec thought that was the smart move.

Back inside, Alec found his mother and told him Magnus and his fiancée, Etta, would be joining them for dinner.

“His fiancée?” Maryse asked, not seeming surprised Magnus was back in the country.

“Yes.”

“What is she like?”

“She’s fine. You’re not surprised he’s here?”

Maryse shook her head, wiping her hands on her apron as she moved about the kitchen. “He called a couple of days ago, just to let me know he’d be back.”

“He called?”

Maryse nodded.

“You didn’t say anything.”

“I didn’t think to.” Maryse didn’t appear to notice Alec’s apprehension and almost pain, but she never did. Maybe it was for the better, this time.

Alec left the kitchen, going upstairs to mull in his sadness and dejection, but his sister bumped into him into the hall, and she could tell Alec’s feelings from a mile away. She studied his face, and then crossed her arms, waiting for an explanation. He wasn’t crying, yet, but his broken heart was likely readable from across the room.

“Magnus is here,” Alec said, attempting to keep his voice level.

Izzy’s face broke into a smile, though it was a confused one. “Why aren’t you happy about that?”

“He brought his fiancée.”

Izzy’s jaw dropped. “What?!”

All Alec could do was nod.

“He’s engaged?”

He nodded again.

“And he didn’t say anything?”

“No.”

“Holy shit.” Izzy’s shoulders sagged. “I’m sorry.”

Alec shrugged. He felt a lot more than that, than ambivalence, but he could not voice his feelings. He could not tell his sister everything for that would take hours, and he didn’t have that time. Magnus and Etta would be at their dinner table in a few hours’ time, and he would prefer to not look like a sobbing mess at the time.

“They’re coming to dinner tonight,” Alec said, almost choking on the words.

Izzy practically did a double take. “Why?”

“I don’t know. I invited them, I don’t know why I did that.”

“Oh, Alec,” Izzy said, stepping forward and hugging Alec. He did not cry, but he very well could have. He hugged his sister, tight, taking solace from her.

They hugged for a few minutes, Alec composing himself before he went to his room, his own room and not Magnus’, making sure the doors were closed so he did not look into it. He read, but found he could not focus on the words, and he listened to music, but found the melodies did not affect him. He existed in those hours between seeing Magnus again and knowing he would see him again for dinner, and it wasn’t a pleasant state.

He had been so in love, and he still was, but there was no hope for it now. And that hope, even though it had been small, it had been enough. Now, that hope was gone, and Alec felt such an empty ache, he felt he might never be full again.

When Maryse called them down to start setting the table, Alec wondered where the best place to sit might be. Every spot in the table would allow him to see Magnus, wherever he was sat, and he couldn’t exactly set out names, though he did want to. He knew he could not bear to see Magnus now. Anytime before, he would have been ecstatic at the mere thought of seeing Magnus again, but not now for he would have never even have imagined seeing Magnus as an engaged man. But that was the reality, and it was such a harsh one to be a part of.

The minutes flew by, Alec could not grab them and hold onto them, they seeped through his fingers. He wanted to prepare himself to see Magnus, as a man in love with someone else, but no amount of preparation would allow him to see Magnus like that. To see him, in love, when Alec was used to that gaze on him, it would break him in half, and he would not recover from that.

They arrived ten minutes before seven o’clock, and Alec watched from the stairs as they hugged and greeted his mother, sister, and brother. He knew he could not linger for long, but being able to see Magnus from afar, to see his easy smile and his olive skin from a distance, it eased his aching heart.

But then he descended the stairs, and he was forced into hugs with them both for the sake of normality. He tried to keep both of them short, and it worked with Etta’s, but he felt Magnus’ linger. To feel Magnus’ arms around him, to feel the weight of his body when he ached for his touch for so long, it soothed him. He could pretend, even if only for a second, that Magnus was his again, and he stayed there for a few seconds longer than he should have.

Alec helped bring the food to the dinner table and was horrified to find the seat left for him was opposite Magnus’. Sure, it wasn’t as bad as if he was sat next to him, but opposite didn’t seem much better. Every time he looked up, he would see him, and he could not bear to think how awful it would make dinner.

Talk started lightly, but Alec took little part in it. Pretending he was fine, pretending he could talk like he had not been in love with the man sat opposite him. He was still in love with him, and to see Etta, who was likely deserving of his love, pained him in a way he could not explain. She looked at him like he was the light in her eyes, and Alec knew that look for he had done the exact same, and it was such a sorrowful pain.

“Magnus says you come here every summer and winter,” Etta began. “That’s such a dream.”

“It’s quite nice,” Izzy said. “I think a lot of people might like to live like that.”

“Definitely,” Etta agreed. “And, um, Magnus says you’re all very cultured? That you play music and speak lots of languages? That’s got to be so interesting, I can imagine living in Italy is such a wonderful thing for young people like yourselves, Alec, Isabelle.”

“It is,” Izzy said, speaking because she knew Alec couldn’t. “Our résumés are quite something.”

Etta laughed, and Alec chanced a glance at Magnus, finding him already looking back at him. Their eyes met, blue to green, and Alec felt complete, even if just for a moment. For that second, Alec was back in summer, eating across from Magnus as they ate outside, the warm evening encompassing them. They were not in winter where one of them was engaged, but they were together and in love, and it was such a dream.

But then Etta laughed at something someone had said, and they were back in winter, and Alec looked away from Magnus, his thoughts breaking with the movement. This was winter, they were different people, and Alec could not be in summer again.

“And, Alec,” Etta began, Alec wishing she wouldn’t because Alec could not trust himself to speak. “I think Will said something about you playing piano for everyone over the summer, is that right?”

“I do that, sometimes,” Alec said, keeping his answers limited and restrained.

“I’m a singer, you see,” Etta said, and Alec wondered if Magnus had been interested in his playing because of Etta. He wondered how long they had been dating, if Magnus had been with her over the summer, if he loved music because of her. Alec wondered if he meant anything to Magnus at all. “I would love to hear you play something, maybe. If, I don’t know, you would like to, I would love that.”

“You want me to play something for you?” Alec asked, eyes flicking to Magnus’ once, knowing, in an instant, what he would play if she really wanted him to play the piano.

“I would love that, very much.”

“Sure. After dinner, I could do that,” Alec said, knowing what he would play and wondering what it would mean to Magnus when he did.

Etta seemed pleased, and Magnus, well, Magnus’ face registered very little. Alec wondered why that was, but he was too caught up in what he was going to play, and he tried not think about what Magnus would want from this, if he wanted anything at all.

But there was still so much of dinner left, and Alec was suddenly desperate to play piano again. He wondered what it might bring back and if Magnus would feel what Alec wanted him to feel though, even that, Alec did not know.


	34. Why Like This?

Dinner was being such a great pain. He had Etta beside him, talking and asking questions and totally unaware of everything, and Alec in front of him, who kept glancing at him, and Magnus could do nothing but watch him in the spare moments. He had not dreamt of having dinner with the Lightwoods again, but here they were, and Magnus felt oddly empty considering there were two people who loved him at the table.

The meal was wonderful, as it always was, but Magnus was thinking about seeing Alec again, to have seen the hope on his face and then to have seen it dashed when Etta had come into the picture. His blue eyes had been bright and excited, and they had become so dull when Etta had been brought into the conversation. Magnus hadn’t known what to say to him or if he should tell him beforehand, but it had been too late, and Alec’s heart had been broken right in front of him. Magnus had felt awful, and there was nothing to be done about it. Magnus had had it in his hands, and he had practically crushed it, right in front of him.

He had not wanted to come to dinner, not with Alec there, his heart in shatters. Magnus wasn’t sure what he himself was feeling. He was confused about his love, about his decision, about Italy. He wasn’t sure about any of the things he had done and seeing Alec again had affirmed nothing in his mind.

“How did Magnus propose?” Maryse asked when everyone was finishing eating. Magnus wasn’t sure if there was dessert, but they were staying at least a little while longer because Etta wanted Alec to play music for them, which Magnus was also dreading.

“Oh, it was very romantic,” Etta began, sending Magnus a smile which he attempted to return. He wasn’t sure if he succeeded, but Etta seemed to believe it, and she continued, “We had a coffee at the café where we met, and I had no idea it was coming because Magnus never really seemed into the idea of marriage before. He got down on one knee, and it was so beautiful, I was so shocked, but so happy at the same time. He came back from Italy such a different man.”

“Did he, now?” Izzy asked, and Magnus wondered if Alec had told her about their time together. He glanced at Alec, but found Alec was watching Etta, his eyes full of dejection.

Etta laughed lightly. “He did.” She reached over and squeezed Magnus’ hand, Magnus repeating the motion, though it felt so awful in front of Alec. Etta had no idea what she was doing, but Magnus knew how it must feel, and he did not want to rub salt into Alec’s sore wounds. Alec didn’t deserve this, and Magnus felt cruel for bringing Etta here.

“I suppose I should thank you,” Etta said. “Because whatever happened here really helped our relationship.”

Magnus took a steadying breath, feeling sorry for Etta as well, because she did not know what she was saying. What had helped their relationship had been another relationship, perhaps one that had truly taught him about love. But he hadn’t intended for that to be the case, and he really didn’t want Alec to think that was all their relationship had been; a cause to help his relationship with another person. It hadn’t been that, but, looking at Alec again, that was exactly what Alec thought it had been.

“I’m glad we could help,” Maryse said, standing and collecting plates. She asked Isabelle to help her carry everything else out and to bring out dessert, a pie of some kind. It left only Magnus, Etta, Alec, and Max, who was saying nothing because there was a stranger around.

“Jem said you were thinking of going to college next year,” Etta said to Alec, who did not look like he wanted to be spoken to. Or maybe Magnus could see that because he knew him so well. Either way, Alec did not want to be here, and Magnus did not blame him. “Do you know what you want to study or where you want to go yet?”

Alec shook his head. “I was thinking of taking a gap year, actually. Spending it here.”

“Oh, that’s always a good idea.” Etta nodded, seeming pleased with Alec’s answer. “Did Magnus tell you what he did in his gap year?”

“I didn’t know he took one.” Alec did not look at Magnus as he spoke about him, and Magnus felt it like a knife in his heart. And, of course Alec did not know Magnus had taken a gap year, for they did know so little about each other. They didn’t really know each other at all, and yet it didn’t seem to matter, for Magnus still adored him, and he felt he always would.

Maryse came back out with the pie then, Isabelle carrying out plates and laying them in front of everyone. Magnus was glad they would not be talking about what they did and did not know about each other any longer, because he feared that would be a greatly revealing conversation.

Thankfully, dessert did not take as long as dinner but, what was going to follow was, ultimately, going to be more painful than the conversation over dinner. He was not sure how to control his emotions when Alec played the piano, and he feared he would be revealed to his fiancée as he watched the boy he had fallen in love with over the summer.

They settled in the room with the piano, Etta instantly interested in the novelties of the room. Magnus knew she would love to study every nook and cranny for hours, but it was not the time for that. Magnus hoped they did not come back for dinner again because, whilst it was lovely and it called to fond memories, it would bring so much pain and awkwardness, and Magnus could not deal with that for the rest of their days here. Etta would want to come back, and Maryse would be welcoming, but Magnus could not do it, for his own sake but, mainly, for Alec’s.

Alec sat himself at the piano, though Magnus could tell his posture was more slumped, and Magnus could feel the guilt crawling through his system. Magnus leaned back on the sofa, trying to appear more relaxed than he felt, and he waited.

When Alec started playing the piece he was always going to play, Magnus could have cried for their lost time and for their hopeless future. It meant too much, it meant their summer, it meant their love, it meant everything Magnus could have ever hoped for their future, things that would never come to fruition. It meant their love, and Magnus didn’t think he would have that again.

It sounded different this time; it sounded more like loss and less like love. There was little hope to the notes, it felt sombre and dejected. Magnus felt it tug at his heart, feeling the rise and fall in tempo in his being, reliving their love together. He had never thought he’d feel like this after the elation of being in love with him, but it was darkening the light of their summer, and Magnus did not want it to be tainted, but he felt it might be now.

No one spoke, no one made a single sound as Alec played his heart away. Magnus had noted that, however he felt, it played into his music. It was so obvious how much Magnus had affected him, how much Magnus had hurt him, and guilt consumed him. He should not have brought Etta here and he knew that in his core.

Every note had been so loved, and now it felt full of tragedy and loss. Magnus heard the ache in each note, and he had been the cause. He had broken Alec, and he felt broken himself, and he did not know how a love so full could be made so tragic so quickly.

When it ended, Magnus felt his heart snap. He did not want Alec to play anything else, he did not want this torture to be furthered. There was so much pain in this room where so many of the occupants were oblivious, and Magnus could endure it no longer. The release from the music had only been slight, and he felt little joy here now. Italy had been such a wonder, and Magnus felt only pain now.

Etta clapped first, and the others joined in afterwards. Magnus clapped only twice, unable to muster any more.

“That was wonderful,” Etta praised. “You play so well. You really could play professionally, maybe a band or something. You’re really wonderful.”

“Thank you,” Alec replied, giving her a half smile and standing. “Izzy, you should play something.”

Isabelle shrugged but slid into the seat.

“I’m going to go study,” Alec said, and Magnus wondered if he had winter break work to do, or if he just needed to escape. “It was nice to meet you, Etta.”

“And you,” Etta replied, eager to her Isabelle’s playing.

“Goodnight,” Alec said, and he left without another glance, Magnus feeling that loss in his heart.

Magnus listened to Isabelle play one song before he knew he had things to right. He had left enough time for it to seem casual, and he needed to talk to Alec alone. He had to explain things to him.

“Do you mind if I take a look at the villa, Maryse?” Magnus asked, standing.

“Of course not, go ahead,” Maryse said, nodding at him and standing. “I have things to attend to, you are welcome to stay as long as you like.”

“Thank you.” Magnus paused. “Are you staying here, Etta?”

“Oh, if you don’t mind,” Etta said. “I’d love to talk to Isabelle some more, maybe Max too.”

Magnus threw her a smile and left the room. He did not hesitate in going upstairs and finding Alec’s room. There was a moment where he breathed, calming his nerves, and then he knocked. Alec deserved more than the silence Magnus was giving him.

There was no answer on the other side of the door, but Magnus felt they were no longer in a place where he could just go in. Things had changed, and Magnus didn’t know where they stood any longer.

Instead, he went to his old room, to where he had lived for six weeks, and he opened the door. It was so bare, there was nothing to it, just an empty room. Before it washed over him completely, he stepped through until he was standing on the balcony. It was much colder than it had been in the summer, and there was snow on the concrete beneath his shoes, but it still sent his mind back. He had spent so many hours here with Alexander, being near him, touching him, dancing with him. It felt like such a dream, such a world they would no longer inhabit.

It did not take long for Alec to open his own door, but he did not step out onto the balcony. It was smart, really, for Magnus was freezing out there, and he hoped Alec took pity on him and invited him inside, though he knew he did not deserve it.

They watched each other, Alec’s eyes full of sorrow, and Magnus asking for forgiveness in their silence. Alec might not give it to him, and that was fair. He had broken his young heart, and that was one of the cruellest things he could have done. Alec deserved better than that, and Magnus knew he had been unkind.

Magnus shivered, and Alec looked down, stepping further inside and motioning that Magnus could follow him in. He did so gingerly, letting Alec go back on his decision if he so wished.

Magnus shut the balcony door, glad for the chilled breeze to be cut off.

“This is for you,” Alec said, stepping forward and pushing a small, wrapped box towards Magnus on the desk. He stepped back again, not able to be close to Magnus for long. Magnus did not blame him.

Picking it up, Magnus gently unwrapped it, opening the box and finding a pressed dahlia attached to a keychain inside. His heart snapped in two. Magnus picked it up, felt it in his hand, and looked at Alec again.

“It’s for your birthday,” Alec said, and Magnus thought his eyes were watering. “Sorry it’s late.”

“Alec,” Magnus said, squeezing it in his hand and stepping forward, but Alec’s shoulders tensed, and he stopped.

“Were you with her when we met?” Alec asked. “Did we… Was it cheating?”

Magnus shook his head furiously. “No, no, no, not at all. We broke up before the summer-.”

“So, I was a rebound?”

“No,” Magnus said. “No, you weren’t. I promise you, you were not a rebound.”

Alec chewed his lip.

Magnus put the dahlia and box back down on the desk and stepped closer to Alec, glad to see he did not move this time. It wasn’t much progress, but it was something.

“You never mentioned her,” Alec said, sitting down on the bed, practically collapsing onto it.

“I know,” Magnus said, wanting to join him but knowing it would take a few more moments before he could. “But I didn’t mention much of anything.”

“Was that on purpose?”

“Purpose?”

“Did you do it for some reason? To make me think you were… I don’t know, not in love with her?”

“I didn’t do it for any reason. I mean that,” Magnus began, meaning it because he hadn’t. There was no reason for anything he had done, he had just fallen in love, and nothing else had crossed his mind. “I didn’t think about her at all during the summer. I honestly didn’t, she never came up.”

“And now you’re engaged?” Alec asked.

Sighing, Magnus came and sat on the bed next to Alec. It was not close enough that they could touch, but at least they were sat next to each other. It was more than Magnus could have imagined for his small trip to Italy.

“I cannot even tell you how much Jem and the others are berating me for it,” Magnus said, running a hand through his hair.

“And she doesn’t know… about us?” Alec asked, his voice still so quiet despite Magnus sitting right beside him.

“She does not.”

“And she said, uh, she said the summer helped you realise you wanted to marry her-.”

“That’s not what happened,” Magnus said. “It wasn’t like that.”

“What _was_ it like then?”

“It was more…” Magnus sighed. “It was more like Etta asked me what I wanted for a future, and I decided that… I decided… I don’t even know what I’ve decided, Alec.”

“You’ve decided to marry her,” Alec said.

“Yes.”

“Being with me made you realise you wanted her?”

“No,” Magnus said. “Being with you made me realise so many things, Alexander, but none of those things are to do with my engagement.”

Alec released a breath, Magnus watching him. Instead of doing anything crazy, he rested his head on Magnus’ shoulder, and Magnus did not hesitate in wrapping his arm around him. It didn’t have to be more than this, and it could be innocent enough. Sure, it was always going to mean more because it was Alec, and Magnus adored him, but it could be innocent, it really could.

“I missed you,” Alec said.

“I missed you, too.”

“Does she make you happy?”

“Yes.”

Magnus felt Alec nod on his shoulder, and he did not move, which Magnus was thankful for. They couldn’t do much more, and Magnus felt that loss in his core, but he was an engaged man and he could not have Alec anymore. Even if his heart felt full when he was with him, this wasn’t their place now, and Magnus had to leave that behind.

He wanted Alec, that was still true and Magnus wasn’t sure for just how long that would be true, but he couldn’t linger on that. He had to move on so Alec might move on also. It was only fair to Alec, because neither of them could be hung up on their summer and their love. They both had lives to live and, whilst Magnus wanted nothing more in the world than to spend his years with Alexander, it wasn’t plausible, and Magnus didn’t think either of them should believe in a future they weren’t going to achieve. It would just lead to more pain in the end.

There was light piano music coming from downstairs and, as long as that continued, they were safe to stay like this. There were so many things Magnus wanted to tell him, so many things he wanted to say, but it didn’t feel like the time. It felt so much simpler to just exist with him, it had been so long since he had been able to do that, and he wanted to cling to this moment as it passed.

“You’ll still write to me, won’t you?” Alec asked, his head heavy on Magnus’ shoulder and Magnus happy to support him.

“Of course,” Magnus replied.

“Always?”

“Always,” Magnus repeated, and he meant it to so much, he could barely convey it properly. No matter what way their lives went, Magnus would keep them entwined somehow. Even if they parted further than two people ever could, Magnus would find him, always.

The music stopped a few minutes later and Magnus knew it would be the safest thing to break apart. Magnus could have stayed there forever, but it wasn’t smart, and Magnus had to make smart decisions now.

Magnus stood first, collecting his dahlia gift from the desk and pocketing it to keep forever, Alec standing in the meantime. Then they both waited, watching each other as the world came back to them. Magnus wanted to extend the time as long as possible, but Etta would grow curious, and he would have to return to her now.

“I don’t think we should come back here for dinner,” Magnus said.

“Why?”

“I just don’t think we should. We’re here for a few more days, but I think we should…” Magnus sighed at the thought of being in Italy and not seeing Alec, but it was for the best, it had to be.

“You don’t want to see me,” Alec said, as if that was the case.

Magnus shook his head, laughing through his nose. How Alec could be like this after everything they had been through, Magnus did not know. It was so endearing and Magnus had missed him.

“You have to know that’s not why,” Magnus said, stepping forward and holding his arms out so Alec and he could embrace. Alec did not hesitate in wrapping his arms around Magnus, nestling his face into Magnus’ neck. Sure, they should go downstairs soon, but Magnus would always put the rest of his life on hold for a few seconds of Alexander’s time.

“How do I have to know that?” Alec asked, tightening his arms around Magnus.

“Because you just should,” Magnus replied. “Our summer meant more to me than I think you believe. I need you to know that.”

Magnus felt Alec sigh before he said, “When are you going to get married?”

“Etta wants a spring wedding,” Magnus said. “I’m hoping we can get it done in time, but she likes things to be meticulous.”

“I’m sure it will be lovely,” Alec said.

Magnus could hear how much it hurt for Alec to say that, and Magnus did not say anything else about the wedding. He was sure Alec did not want to talk about it and was only asking to be polite and so he could figure out how long Magnus had before he was married. Alec would not want to hear about it, and Magnus would not force him to know any more details of the wedding.

“You really won’t come see me, or us again?” Alec asked.

“I just don’t know if it’s a smart decision.”

“Okay.” It sounded so defeated and it broke Magnus in a hundred ways.

“Maybe on our last night,” Magnus said, because he had to please Alec, and disappointing him was the worst feeling in the world. “We’ll come back on our last night here.”

Alec pulled back, looking into Magnus’ eyes. “Yeah?”

“If it would make you happy.”

“It would.”

“Okay.”

Alec smiled his beautiful smile, and Magnus really could have kissed him.

Somehow, he resisted, and they broke apart, Magnus leaving first because he knew Alec would never go to the door first.

Downstairs, Etta and Isabelle were talking about something, and Magnus and Alec joined the conversation for a moment before they saw how late it was and they had to get back. Magnus said they might be back for their last night, if that was okay, which Maryse pleasantly agreed to, and they coated up and left. Some part of Magnus wanted to go into town over the next few days, perhaps bump into Alec, but he couldn’t do that to Etta. That felt more like cheating than anything else, and Magnus would never cheat on Etta, he was a faithful man and he intended to stay that way. So, to not risk anything happening, he stayed in their little hotel with Etta, only went outside with Etta, and spent the rest of the days with Etta, for she was his fiancée.

It was a pleasant few days, but everything reminded him of Alec which, in toe, reminded him of Alec not being too far away. Etta was absolutely in love with Italy, which was understandable, and so she did not notice, but Magnus was a little distraught at the thought of Alec’s broken heart being so close and so easy to fix, and Magnus being able to do nothing to help him.

When their last day dawned, Magnus prepared himself to see Alec again. This would, probably, be the last time he saw him. Etta would want to come back to Italy, but Magnus would have to get out of it next time. He had to let them both move on, and seeing each other was going to regress any progress they might make. It had to be the last time they saw each other, because Magnus could not cope with this heartache again. He would not survive it another time.

They made their way over to the villa, trekking through the snow when they could no longer drive, Etta’s hand tight in his own. He wondered if it would seem suspicious if he let go of her hand before they reached the door, but he supposed it would, and he held her hand all the way there. When the door opened, Maryse greeting them, they let go of each other, and Magnus was relieved Alec didn’t have to see that.

They got straight into dinner, homemade spaghetti, as they had some other guests who had already arrived and Magnus was sat opposite Alec again. They only got to greet each other over the table, and Magnus was sure they both wanted something more private. But this was the beginning of them moving on, and Magnus wasn’t sure if he could trust himself alone with Alexander.

Talk was about their return to New York, about Christmas, about plans for the New Year. It would have been lovely if Magnus did not feel the tinge of everything coming to an end all over again. It felt worse, somehow, this time. Maybe it was because Magnus was engaged now, maybe it was because their future really was over, there really was no hope for them to have anything now. Magnus felt that weight in the atmosphere, even if none of the others did.

Well, Alec did. He did not speak much, he glanced only at his food and at Magnus, and his attention was elsewhere. Magnus watched him for as long as he could get away with, but he always wanted more, and he wondered if he would feel that for the rest of his life.

Etta asked Isabelle about her future, and then she asked Alec what he might like to do for a living. Isabelle answered as confidently as ever, saying she was keeping her options open because anything could happen, but Alec was not so sure. He didn’t really have an answer, and Magnus wondered if that was because he genuinely didn’t know, or if he just didn’t want to talk. Again, Magnus did not know because they didn’t know each other perfectly, but he still wanted him, and he saw sure that feeling would never go away.

After dinner, Etta asked for another song, and Alec obliged because he was polite and not because he wanted to. Instead of retreating instantly, Alec remained for Isabelle’s playing, and even shared a smile when Etta stood and sang along to whatever it was Isabelle was playing. It was pleasant, and Magnus would have enjoyed it more if Alec was not sat so far away, secluded to his own chair which felt a mile away.

It would be more difficult to escape with Alec today, but Magnus didn’t think it impossible with the other guests in the house. He was sure they could escape somehow, but he would only follow Alec out of the room. Alec had to make the first move, Magnus was sure of that.

Alec did leave when Isabelle started to play something more upbeat, the whole room beginning to sing. With Etta distracted as well, Magnus followed Alec out, seeing his shadow escaping up the stairs. Magnus hoped Alec had left so he and Magnus could have another conversation, perhaps their last conversation. They needed a better goodbye than what they would get when they left the villa in front of everyone else.

Alec had left his bedroom door open, and Magnus entered it with a gentle knock, finding Alec already sitting on the bed. Any other day, any other time, Magnus would have come up to Alexander, kissed him like he had never kissed another person before and taken him on that bed.

But this was this day and this was this time, and they were not meant to do this now. Magnus hoped, in another world, they lived together happily because it was not happening in this world.

Magnus joined him on the bed, sitting beside him close enough that their bodies were touching. It was as close as they could get, as much intimacy as they could hope for in this world. Magnus would cling to their last moments together because Magnus knew they would have no more. He was going to be married, and he was faithful and, even if he did love Alec, he could not be with him. Not any longer.

“What time is your flight?” Alec asked, quiet. The room was dark, the only light coming from the moon through the windows.

“Twelve.”

Alec nodded. “I’ll miss you.”

“I’ll miss you, too,” Magnus said, and he meant it. He would think about Alec forever, and he knew that. “Alexander.”

Alec looked at him, Magnus maintaining eye contact so Alec listened to him.

“I really hope you find someone who makes you happy,” Magnus said.

“I did,” Alec said, and he gave a half-smile that broke Magnus’ heart.

Unsure what to say, Magnus looked back towards the door, throat closing up and words not forming. Alec had made Magnus happy as well, but they were not destined for each other, and Magnus had to believe that if he was going to make his marriage work with Etta.

“The men in your life are going to adore you, Alexander,” Magnus said in lieu of anything else because nothing else was going to work. “I really mean that.”

“Am I supposed to find other men so easily?” Alec asked, Magnus feeling the weight of his stare. Looking back, Magnus saw the vulnerability in his eyes, the humour at thinking he would find anyone else. Magnus understood his sentiment, but he had to move on, their lives just weren’t connected.

“I’m sure you can,” Magnus said. “Anybody would be lucky to have you.”

“But not you?”

“I would be so lucky,” Magnus said, speaking aloud how he felt, unable to say the words to anyone else. “Alexander, I wouldn’t know any luck like it, I would be the luckiest man in the world.”

“So, why can’t you…?” Alec could not finish his sentence, but Magnus knew what he was asking.

“Because I can’t,” Magnus replied. “It just… It wouldn’t… We couldn’t…”

“Because…?” Alec prompted.

“I don’t know,” Magnus said, resting his face in his hands, elbows on his thighs. “I don’t know.”

There was still music downstairs, but they couldn’t stay here much longer. They still had to pack and they had to get up for the airport tomorrow, and their time here together was counting down. It was always counting down, even during the summer, they had known it would come to an end. Magnus wondered how beautiful it might be if there wasn’t a timestamp on their love.

The silence between them was filled with questions and an ending hope, and Magnus would have choked if he did not have Alec right there, beside him. It would be so easy to kiss him, the easiest thing in the world. But Etta did not deserve that, and Magnus could not break her heart.

It hurt his own to hurt Alec’s so, but he had made his decision, and it was only fair to commit to Etta. He had committed already, he just had to continue with that.

When Alec stood, Magnus watched him, wondering what he was going to do next.

Alec held out his hands, Magnus holding onto them as Alec pulled him up. They stood face to face for a moment before Alec hugged him. They had minutes together, and Magnus would spend them holding Alec. If the world ended and Magnus had Alec in his arms, he would call it a good day.

There was a shift in the music downstairs, and it broke them apart. Magnus’ heart no longer existed in his chest, a cavity sat there instead. He should feel full because he had a woman who loved him downstairs, but he didn’t, and the worry he had made a mistake in proposing grew only larger. He was sure he was not meant to feel like this, but he did, and he was sure it was wrong.

Alec gave him another half-smile, and Magnus wanted to kiss it off his face, but he couldn’t. Instead, he made his way to the door and opened it, feeling the ache already.

They made their way downstairs, joining the rest of the group that sat and stood around another guest playing piano, Isabelle having disappeared. Etta kissed him on the cheek, and he did not look at Alec as she did so. She asked him if they should be going, and Magnus agreed, even though it hurt his throat to say so.

When they stood in the hallway, piling the layers on, Magnus got one last good look at the villa, filling his soul with its memories, and he smiled. Whilst he ached, he was happy he had gotten this time with his beloved Alexander.

He kissed Isabelle on each cheek, smiled at Max who stayed in the corner, eyeing at Etta, and kissed Maryse on each cheek, thanking her for her wonderful hospitality. Alexander was the last to say goodbye to, and Magnus could not bear it. He would force himself through it, but the winter had solidified, even further, just how much he adored Alec, and just how much he would ache when he said “I do” to Etta. Saying goodbye again, knowing there was no hope now, it hurt more than the first time, and Magnus barely made it through.

He lingered when he kissed each of Alec’s cheek, lingered when they hugged. He hoped it was not noticeable for he could not help it, but he did it all the same. Feeling Alec’s lips on his skin once more would serve him a lifetime, even if he did want more.

The whole way back to the hotel, the remaining hours he spent in Italy, the flight back, Magnus thought of nothing but Alexander. He thought of their summer together, the heartache in his voice, the vulnerability in his eyes, and he ached for him. Etta had had such a wonderful time, and she adored the Lightwoods and appeared to read nothing in Magnus sharing the sentiment. But Magnus adored Alexander more than he adored anything, and he felt he had wronged Etta greatly in his decision.

Back in New York, as they unpacked, Magnus mulled it over and over in his head. It would be so much fairer to tell her the truth, to see what she thought of his relationship with Alec, even though he knew she would not be bothered by it.

But he wanted to tell her for underlying reasons not even he could understand, but he knew not all of them were wholesome.

“You and Alec seem close,” Etta said as they sat down at the sofa, ready to relax for the evening.

Magnus, stunned for only a second, then asked, “What makes you say that?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” Etta said, for it had been an innocent comment after all and only Magnus would read anything from it. “Izzy said you spent a lot of your summer with him, and you went to talk with him, didn’t you? When we were there?”

Magnus nodded once, unsure what to say because, the second he started talking about Alec, it was instantly obvious how much he adored him.

“He seems very sweet,” Etta said, and it was totally innocent, but Magnus could not help feeling revealed.

And it was that revelation and that creeping feeling of guilt he had made the wrong decision that made him want to spill everything. He needed to tell her, for it was consuming him and he needed to explain to Etta what had happened over the summer to clear his conscience and to make right on the decision he had committed to, because he was sure he should have thought about it some more.

“Etta, I think we should talk about something.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everyone is less mad at Magnus now, but if you're not, that's valid x


	35. A Lonely Feeling

Alec was more heartbroken than he knew. He lay in bed most of Christmas Eve and only stayed downstairs when he had to on Christmas Day. Of course, that was most of the day considering Maryse thoroughly believed it was a day spent together to celebrate family, but he escaped as early as he could, lying in bed and staring up at the ceiling and aching.

Magnus would be married by the spring, and Alec did not know how to deal with that information. Even though the hope they could be together was minute and it had barely existed, barely even been an idea, it had been enough to cling to. Now, Alec had none of that and Magnus wanted him to find another man to love. But that was, in no feasible way, ever going to happen. He was sure he would never love anyone like he loved Magnus. Magnus had his heart, all of it, and he was going to marry Etta, which was fair and it made sense and they were a pretty couple. Alec was just filled with an innate jealousy.

Christmas Day was coming to its end, and Alec wondered how Magnus and Etta spent it. Part of Magnus had still appeared apprehensive, but he hadn’t said anything about not marrying Etta just because he saw Alec again, so Alec thought they would spend many happy years together. Alec wished him happiness, but he was still filled with envy.

There was a little knock on his door, startling Alec from his thoughts. He hadn’t been crying, though he was numb and empty, but he was sure his emotion was clear on his face. There was no point in trying to change it, so he just told whoever knocked to come in, ready to deal with it when they entered.

It was Max, opening the door slowly and peering in before he stepped into the room. He shut the door gently behind him and stood, watching Alec with his hands laced behind his back.

“I can’t sleep,” Max said.

“Too much sugar?” Alec asked, sending him a weak smile, it growing only slightly when Max nodded. Alec patted the space beside him and Max clambered up onto the bed, lying beside his brother. Alec wrapped an arm around him, Max resting his head on Alec’s shoulder.

There was a long pause between them, and Alec thought Max might just want some company so he could get to sleep. He had eaten far too much sugar, sneaking some in when their mother had said they should stop. Alec wondered if that was what Christmas was all about, but his mind had been too occupied with Magnus and what he would look like in his tuxedo on his wedding day to be thinking about Christmas and what it meant.

“Why are you sad?” Max asked after a few minutes where, honestly, Alec thought he had fallen asleep.

“Why do you think I’m sad?”

“You just seem sad,” Max said. “You didn’t spend the evening with mum, and she said you didn’t look very happy. She didn’t know why, but she said you seemed sad, and I just wanted to know why. I don’t want you to be sad.”

Alec hoped he had not been that obvious, but he was sure he had. He had been obvious during the summer with how infatuated he was with Magnus, so, of course he would be obvious with his dejection.

“So, _are_ you sad?” Max asked in Alec’s silence.

“I guess I am,” Alec said.

“Why?”

Alec wondered if he should tell Max the truth about his summer, about his feelings and where they stemmed from now. He had no idea how Max might react, but he was his little brother, and he loved him. He had to trust him. He was family, and he wanted to trust him.

It was not easy preparing himself to tell Max. Even though he loved him and trusted him, it was still causing his nerves to run rampant. This was his little brother, but it meant giving away a piece of himself, and that was always daunting. Even to people you loved, giving away a piece of yourself was not easy, not ever.

“You know Magnus?” Alec asked, receiving nods from Max as he stayed quiet to listen. “Well, you know how Izzy and Simon were together during the summer?”

Max nodded once.

“Well,” Alec said, clearing his throat. “I was with Magnus like that.”

“You kissed him and stuff?”

“Yes.”

Max nodded once more.

“You see, I like boys the way Izzy likes boys,” Alec said, simplifying it because he wasn’t sure how much Max might understand. He wasn’t stupid, but this wasn’t the way he was raised, this wasn’t how he was taught, and he wondered how much he might have to explain to Max.

“You like to kiss them?” Max asked.

“Yes.”

Max shrugged. “Okay.”

It was more relief than Alec had been prepared for and he smiled despite Max not looking at him. Of course, Max was going to accept him, of course Max had no issue with it. But Alec had been ingrained with a fear of not achieving acceptance from the world telling him he wouldn’t. It had brought up his walls even when he hadn’t realised he did like men, and it was going to be a long while before those walls fell.

“And you kissed Magnus?” Max asked.

“Yes.”

“And you’re sad because of Etta?”

“Yes.”

Max was silent for a moment, so Alec just waited, wondering if he was going to say anything else or if this conversation was over. Alec waited either way, wanting to talk about Magnus but fearing how he would sound if he talked too much.

“Why is he marrying Etta if you like him?” Max asked, slowly, testing out each word as if he was trying to understand it as well.

“I think it’s because we can’t be together like he can be with Etta.”

“But Izzy still talks to Simon?”

“Yeah. She’s very lucky.”

“I don’t understand?”

“Me neither,” Alec said. “It’s just… You see, a lot of people don’t like it when two boys kiss.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know.” Alec sighed. Max looked at him, brow furrowed. “I wonder if you would maybe not mention it to anyone for me, Max.”

“Of course,” Max said, brow still low as he studied Alec’s face. He was so sweet and understanding, Alec didn’t know how he could feel so apprehensive about telling his little brother.

“Thank you.”

There was another knock at the door, and they both looked at it as if it might do something very interesting.

When Alec realised he was the one who had to initiate something, he told them to enter and waited. It could be his sister or his mother, and he hoped for the former.

It was, and she smiled when she saw her brothers, coming into the room and closing the door behind her. She also climbed onto the bed, sitting at the foot and crossing her legs.

“What are we doing in here?” Izzy asked, looking from one brother to the other.

“Talking,” Alec said. “Someone over here had too much sugar.”

Max beamed at his sister as she mockingly shook her head. “I do suppose that is what Christmas is about.”

“Not to mum,” Max replied, sighing. His siblings laughed at him, which made him smile even more.

There was a slight pause, and Alec felt what was coming before his sister said it. Alec was close with his siblings, and he was sure Izzy could read him easily. She would know what he was thinking, what was breaking his heart, and Alec could expect the questions coming his way.

“What do you think of Etta, then?” Izzy asked, looking at Max for she didn’t know he now knew.

“I wish she wasn’t marrying Magnus,” Alec said, sighing. “She’s lovely and polite, I’m sure she’ll make him very happy, but…”

“But,” Izzy repeated. She nodded in understanding, but it did little to make him feel better.

“Izzy knows you like to kiss boys, too?” Max asked in a pause.

Alec nodded.

“But not mum and dad?”

Alec shook his head, his sister smiling at him, understanding his pain. One day, he might tell them. It might be far in the future, it might slip out in a conversation next week. Either way, he was sure he would tell him, maybe. Maybe he never would, but those were thoughts for a very different time. Now, it was time for moping and being with his brother and sister who loved him and were unaffected despite the world telling him they should be.

“Do you think he looked happy?” Alec asked. “I’m not sure if I could really tell.”

“I think _she’s_ very happy,” Izzy said. “She clearly loves him and adores him, she would clearly do anything for him. But…”

Alec was waiting for that answer. Alec knew what he thought about Magnus’ emotions, about what he almost wanted to think, but that was his own opinion. It was biased and he was wishing his own feelings on Magnus. There was a chance Magnus might feel something completely different to how Alec thought he felt, and he needed an outside opinion.

“I think he’s happy. But, I don’t know, after everything you’ve said about your summer and how you both clearly felt… I think, away from here, he probably looks and behaves happier than when he was here.”

“You don’t think he looked happy?” Alec asked, trying to cling to any hope he might get. It wasn’t much, but even a slither would do.

“I think he did, but, whenever he looked at you or you spoke or someone spoke about you, it changed. I don’t know exactly what changed, but there was something. Maybe it was the way he looked at you or a change in his eyes, I couldn’t honestly tell you, but it was… I don’t think he looked like a man who was engaged.”

It sounded like hope, it sounded like something he could cling to.

But he _was_ engaged. There was no hope to cling to. A slight difference in the way he looked at Alec was not going to change that, and no matter how much it made Alec’s heart sing, it wasn’t enough to change the facts. It didn’t matter if Magnus adored Alec the way Alec hoped he did, it didn’t change the reality of their lives, and Alec could not cling to it for it would only break his heart further when he inevitably got married.

Alec wondered if he would write about the wedding in one of his letters. Alec wasn’t sure if he wanted to know about it, and he hoped Magnus could make the decision. He wanted to know if Magnus was happy and if the day itself had been good, but he didn’t want to know when exactly Magnus could no longer be his ever again.

“Etta loves him,” Alec said. “And he told me she made him happy, so…”

“If that’s where you want to leave it.” Izzy sent him a weak smile.

“Of course it isn’t,” Alec said, sighing, wishing the world away. Max squeezed his arm him with hands, and Alec smiled at him. “But Magnus think it’s best because our lives just don’t… They’re not going to line up, so… I guess… Fuck, I don’t know.” He paused. “Don’t listen to my language, Max.”

Max giggled, Alec laughing through his nose.

“I’ve heard mum use worse before,” Max said through his giggling.

“Well, don’t repeat it in front of her,” Izzy said, tapping Max’s leg. “She would not be happy.”

“She really wouldn’t,” Alec agreed, tickling Max gently to hear him squeal.

There was another pause, Max recovering and Izzy glancing at Alec. She had more to ask, and Alec wondered what else she might want to know.

“So, you didn’t tell him?” Izzy asked.

“Tell him what?”

“That you love him?”

Alec shook his head, swallowing. “No, I did not.”

“Why?”

“Because he’s engaged,” Alec said. “I didn’t think it was fair to him… in some way.”

“But people like to be told they’re loved?” Max said, and Alec hugged him tighter.

“They do,” Alec agreed. “But not like that, Max, not like that.”

“Why?”

“Because of Etta, I think,” Alec explained, though he found it was not easy to explain. “I’m not sure. It just didn’t feel like the right time.”

“Will there ever be a right time?” Izzy asked.

Alec sighed and laughed through it, pathetic and broken sounding. “Not now.”

She smiled at him, Max furrowing his brow and trying to work out everything that was just said, appearing to fail. He was safe here, and he was glad these two people knew about his life and were trying to help him through it.

They spoke until the early hours of the morning. It was a pleasant remedy to his heartache. It wouldn’t be cured for it could only be cured by Magnus returning to him and kissing him and telling him they would be together for the rest of their lives, but it did help. To have his siblings there, just talking about things, it was so wonderful and it filled a part of the hole in his heart.

When Max yawned so loud their mother could probably hear it from her room, Alec thought it best they all head to bed. He ruffled his little brother’s hair and kissed his sister’s cheek before she led him out of the room, bidding a last goodnight before she shut the door.

He did not sleep perfectly well, but it was made a whole lot better by having his siblings' support and love. He might have preferred it if he had Magnus’ heart as well, but he wouldn’t get that, and he was just going to have to prepare himself for that for the rest of his life. He would have his letters and he would have Magnus in his mind and a piece of Magnus’ mind might always include him, but he wouldn’t have his heart, and he had to learn to live with that.

They were in Italy for a couple more days, watching the snow continue to fall and soaking up the natural scenery before they went back to California. Alec wasn’t sure how to behave back in America now; before, there was some hope, some desperation that he might have Magnus again, and that had kept him going. Now, as Magnus was engaged and he could never be Alec’s, Alec wasn’t sure how to keep himself going. It was going to be so different, Alec felt so much of himself missing, but he knew he had to make it work. He was going to force himself forward even if chunks of his soul and his heart were missing, stolen by a man who loved another.

On the plane back, he watched out of the window, watching the clouds and the world pass him by. He could not be a bystander in his own life. Whilst he still adored Magnus and whilst his heart would, forever, exist in Magnus’ hands, he could not continue to live and watch as life moved on without him, he was going to have to do something. Maybe it was going to be painful, and maybe he could never give his heart fully to another man, but it would have to be enough.

He would continue to send Magnus letters, and he would continue to think of Magnus probably every single day, but he was going to force himself through this tragic phase. He didn’t have long left in school, and then he had some decisions to make. As long as Magnus was in his life in some way, it would be enough. It had to be, in the end. Magnus was going to be married, and Alec would have to find someone else to devote himself to. Other men existed, other men were living out there who Alec could love, and he just had to believe in that so he could live that.

California was in winter, but the weather was more unpredictable than it was in Italy. It was almost warm when they landed, but that might have been because Alec was used to the much colder conditions in Italy.

Their father greeted them when they rang the bell, politely asking how Italy was as they came through the door. He didn’t ask how Maryse was, and his children never wondered why. Their relationship was intricate and, even with age, Alec understood little more than he did when he was younger. He was sure, with even more years under his belt, he would still understand little about it, and he did not question it. Ever.

They unpacked and ate a dinner Robert had prepared for them. Conversation came back to Italy and then to what Robert had done whilst they were away. None of them mentioned that Magnus had come back, and Alec thought he might not really care, either. Whilst he engaged with the guests, Maryse always seemed more interested. Robert always kept people far away, even his children were at a bit of a distance from him. Maryse, whilst not the easiest person to warm up to, she was better than Robert, and none of them would even begin to think about mentioning Magnus returning for the winter.

Their last days before they went back to school went quickly, and Alec was glad he had done his assignments the first few days in Italy. Izzy was rushing them the day before they went back, and, despite Alec always telling her to do it sooner, she never did. She still got amazing grades, but Alec could never leave it to the last minute, it just wasn’t in his being.

It was difficult waking up for school knowing the freedom that came with Italy. He forced himself to, as he was going to force himself through everything now, and he managed. It was not easy, but he had lots of practice with motivating himself, and it was a small start to what was going to be a massive challenge, but at least it was a start. It was the smaller things that would get him through the larger things, and Alec had to start somewhere, he supposed.

He knew the following weeks, months, maybe even years were going to be rough on him, but it had to happen. Magnus was engaged and he would be married in the spring. Alec was still eighteen, and he had many years to find someone who he could love like he had loved Magnus. There would be plenty of opportunity and, whilst not all of his heart was there to give, he prepared himself to be able to give some of it away. It would take time to heal after everything he had given Magnus, but he would get there. He promised himself that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, these last few chapters will no longer alternate between Alec and Magnus' POV, and that will all make sense as they are uploaded.
> 
> I hope you enjoy them and, as ever, thank you for reading x


	36. Elias

After Magnus, there was Elias.

Settling back into school with the knowledge he was likely never going to see the person he was absolutely, undoubtedly in love with was no easy feat. He could pretend he was fine, but he was not. Not only did he ache to even think about him, everything reminded him of him, even things that had very minute connections. The blue in the sky was their Italy, the couples holding hands were their hands, the girls who touched their crushes in any way possible were Alec craving affection from him. There was nothing that didn’t make Alec remember Magnus, and it hurt, because Magnus was not going to be his again.

He was forcing himself through every minute and every second, forcing himself onward, but there would be things that reminded him of Magnus forever. He had prepared himself as much as he could to give his heart away again, and it worked as much as it was ever going to work. He didn’t believe he was ever going to be perfect, but he was at an okay stage, and he was sure he would remain there for a long time indeed.

Their classes soon turned to study sessions, and Alec gave up trying to study around the rest of his classmates who used it to socialise. He could easily study at home and he knew he could keep his grades up. Studying would keep his mind off willing Magnus to write, or sitting at his desk and wanting to write to Magnus. There was nothing to say he couldn’t, he just knew he shouldn’t. It would only lead to more pain, and Alec decided he did not want to be in any more pain than he already was.

There was talk of graduating and senior week that Alec didn’t care for. He was happy to be graduating, but he had an entire year before he went to college, and then senior week was just prolonging the inevitable. It would be pleasant enough to relax with his friends for a final week before they were gone from each other’s lives. But Alec did the same thing every summer, and he knew how to say goodbye. It was just that these people likely didn’t know how to say goodbye and, when the time came, they would be upset, whilst Alec would be long used to it.

As he sat, waiting for the bell to ring so he could go home and actually study, Elias dropped himself into the desk in front of Alec, sitting with his legs either side of the back, facing Alec.

“Hey,” Elias greeted, tapping on the edge of Alec’s desk.

“Hey.”

“What are you doing after school?” Elias’ deep brown eyes were inquisitive, Alec noted, and they desperately complimented his dark skin and brown hair. His eyes did not leave Alec’s as he asked his question, and Alec felt compelled to watch back. He had not really noticed him before, he hadn’t noticed the beauty in his eyes or in his lips, and he wondered what brought him to those conclusions. Thinking about that, however, took his mind away from looking at Elias’ beautiful, brown eyes, and so he decided not to think about that.

“Probably studying,” Alec answered, shrugging.

“That’s what’s school is for?”

“I don’t think anyone is doing much of that right now,” Alec said, indicating the rest of the classroom, half of which were throwing paper airplanes at each other, and the other half were chatting idly.

Elias laughed. “Well, a bunch of us are going to that new gelato place, the one that opened up last week. You want to come?”

“To get gelato? It’s still winter?”

“And? It’s not like it’s particularly cold out,” Elias said, glancing out of the window, the sun still in the sky. It had been a particularly warm winter, Alec would grant him that, but he was still hung up on his summer, his summer that was growing older and older, and that had been far more appropriate weather to get ice cream or gelato than this. “And you can pronounce all the flavours better than the rest of us, anyway.”

“Right.”

“You could have just said no,” Elias said, smiling, going to stand.

“I’ll come and get gelato, Elias,” Alec said, rolling his eyes, Elias smiling brighter.

“Good. It’s practically spring anyway,” Elias finished, standing. As he passed Alec, he momentarily pressed his finger onto the bare skin on Alec’s bicep, Alec watching him, confused as they had never really touched each other before. “You’re losing your tan.” He ran it lightly up Alec’s skin, considering him. “Hm.”

Just as quickly as it had happened, it was over, and Elias had walked back over to some of his friends who Alec didn’t know. He watched Elias for a moment, trying to figure out what had just happened, but then the bell went and everyone stood.

Putting on his jacket and swinging his backpack over his shoulder, he followed the small crowd out of the classroom. The gelato crowd were easily spotted, and Alec joined them, Elias and a few others joining afterwards. Some slapped Alec on the back, which was Alec’s least favourite greeting in the world.

“What did Elias do to convince you to come out?” Matthew asked.

“You say that as if I never come out,” Alec said.

“He probably said he’d suck his dick,” James joked, slapping him on the back again.

Alec rolled his eyes. “And people complain about teenagers’ senses of humour.”

He looked at Elias then, who was smiling, and Alec smiled back. He wasn’t sure what this was, or what was going on, but he decided to just get some gelato, and then be done with it.

The walk to the little shop was fine, Alec didn’t speak much. He listened to his peers, talking about girls usually. They were fine to talk about girls, Alec insisted inside his head. Perhaps not the derogatory things they _were_ saying, but they could talk about girls. As long as they didn’t ask what Alec thought, they could continue.

Inside, it reminded him of the little gelato shop in Italy, and Alec thought he might have to sit down to steady himself; it was an ice cream shop with quirky flavours, dozens of them. They had only gone there once during the summer, but it had been during a frustrating and tumultuous day, and it had stuck with Alec for the longest of times. It was still there now, and it would be forever.

“What flavours do you want?” Elias asked, almost making Alec jump because he didn’t realise Elias was standing behind him.

“I’m not sure yet,” Alec said, looking at Elias, into his deep, brown eyes.

Elias nodded, not going to join the queue like the others, but waiting beside Alec as he made his choice. Not sure why Elias was suddenly paying him attention, or what Elias wanted at all in fact, Alec made his decision and went to line up, confused when Elias walked with him. Alec would have likened him to that of a puppy or a duckling, following Alec around, but it wasn’t exactly unwanted attention. Whilst it wasn’t necessarily attention coming from where he wanted, it was attention, and Elias was attractive. Alec hadn’t ever really considered him to be anything other than an acquaintance before, and to think about him as attractive made Alec see him differently. He didn’t think he would ever think of him as anything other than attractive, nothing more than that, but he _was_ attractive, and that was a start.

He probably shouldn’t be thinking about guys like that, but the one problem with being absolutely and completely in love with someone who he was always going to be in love with, was that that was how he was going to see everyone. Sure, he was still young and things could change, but Magnus would always have a large chunk of his heart and Alec knew he would, forever, compare anyone he might ever have an interest in to Magnus.

Elias stayed with him as they ate their ice cream, inside, though it wasn’t that cold outside. It was almost spring, after all. Alec learned a lot more about him, about his family, about his interests, about his college dreams. Alec didn’t say much, he was a listener after all. And, any time he might have said something, the rest of the people they were with were too rowdy or said something ridiculous, and Alec would always lose his train of thought. Elias didn’t seem to mind, he seemed to enjoy someone listening to him.

When it was time for them to vacate, Elias walked beside Alec. One by one, everyone went off to get to their own homes, some going back to school to get their cars, some just walking. Alec and Elias went down the same street, Alec not even realising how close together they lived.

They reached Alec’s turn off point and they both stopped, though Alec wasn’t sure why. Elias stood in front of him, a fair few inches shorter considering how tall Alec had grown over the past few months.

“What are you doing tomorrow?” Elias asked.

“Studying, since I did none today,” Alec answered, though he was tempted to say nothing so as to encourage Elias to say they might do something together.

Elias merely nodded. “I hope you enjoy it.”

“I won’t.” Alec smiled, Elias smiling back.

“I’ll see you Monday,” Elias said.

“See you then,” Alec replied.

As he walked home, Alec wondered what on earth it had meant, and hoped the next few weeks, before the school year ended, he figured it out.

And he did.

Gradually, Elias and Alec spent more time together, neither really doing more than speaking. Alec would often glance around to find Elias already looking at him, and then Elias would quickly look away before he looked back again, cautious, unsure. Alec wondered if what Elias was thinking was obvious to anyone else, or just to Alec because he knew what it had been like for him to do the exact same thing with Magnus. Elias’ feelings were likely not like Alec’s had been, like they still were, but they were there. At least, that was what Alec thought the case was.

It was confirmed when Elias insisted Alec come to a study group at his house. It wasn’t the insistence that came as confirmation, it had been when the study session was over, and Elias had offered to walk Alec home, even though the walk was ten minutes, at most. The whole walk, Elias was quieter than normal, which was incredibly alarming as Elias was never quiet.

They reached Alec’s house, stepping onto the porch together. Thankfully, his father was out late for work, and his siblings wouldn’t likely care who Alec walked home with. He didn’t particularly want to be caught having been walked home by a rather attractive guy. Most people wouldn’t think anything of it but, on the off chance they did, Alec would be ruined forever. He knew he hadn’t been discreet with Magnus, but he hoped he wasn’t too obvious as well.

“Okay,” Elias said, shifting his weight from one foot to the other.

“Okay?” Alec repeated, confused about what Elias was affirming.

“I’m going to do something now,” Elias said, nervous. “And if it’s the wrong thing to do, please don’t make me feel like a complete idiot, and please don’t tell anyone.”

Alec just nodded.

“Okay?” Elias asked.

“Sure,” Alec replied.

Elias closed his eyes before he did anything else, and Alec almost laughed through his nose, but he didn’t want to embarrass him. Instead, Alec did most of the work, leaning in and kissing Elias. Elias released a small gasp which had Alec smiling. He wondered if he had been like that when Magnus had kissed him, particularly the first few times.

He knew he shouldn’t be thinking about Magnus, but he was. Even if Elias had been a better kisser than Magnus, which he wasn’t, though he wasn’t awful, Alec would think about Magnus. Alec knew he would be thinking about Magnus forever, and so he didn’t even bother trying to suppress the memory of Magnus’ lips nor the feelings it had conjured up in him at the time. Elias was a good kisser, he just wasn’t Magnus.

They broke apart when a car turned down the street, neither wanting to be caught. Elias was smiling, and Alec smiled for him. Maybe Elias really did like him, and maybe Alec was humouring him more than anything else, but it was nice to be kissed again.

“Okay,” Elias said again, Alec wondering if he had merely forgotten most of his vocabulary. Magnus had certainly made him forget most of the time. “And that was okay?”

“That was fine,” Alec said, and he wondered why he was acting like he was so mature. Maybe Magnus had helped him, and maybe Elias was just a teenager with feelings, like Alec had been, like Alec still was.

“Can I ask you something?” Elias asked, suddenly filled with his usual confidence, leaning on the bannister of their porch.

“Sure.”

“Can I come over sometime?”

Alec rolled his eyes, shuffling his backpack on his shoulder. “Aren’t you over right now?”

“So, I can come in?” Elias asked.

Alec rolled his eyes again. “No.”

“But, I can?”

“I don’t know. I have a brother and sister,” Alec said. “I wouldn’t want them to hear anything.”

Elias snorted. “Then you should come to mine.”

“Maybe,” Alec said, stepping forward, unlocking his front door.

“Is that a definite maybe?” Elias asked, grinning.

“It’s a maybe, maybe,” Alec replied, leaning over and kissing Elias on the cheek. Elias seemed content with that as a goodbye and left before Alec shut the door.

It became something then, though their time was limited. Alec, however, was rather used to that. Elias had had a girlfriend before, apparently, and so he wasn’t totally new to it, but he seemed apprehensive to begin with. Alec, whilst not the most confident in this area, particularly not with someone who wasn’t Magnus, initiated most of their interactions; Elias would be the one to ask if they could meet up or if they should do something, and then Alec would be the one to kiss him.

They always met in secret, either at Elias’ house, or sneaking into the changing rooms before gym, or some secret part of Los Angeles, which, of the latter, there were not many. It was mainly Elias’ house they went to. His parents were rarely home and, if they were, they could always pretend they were studying.

Making out on Elias’ bed, Alec still being the one to initiate it because Elias fumbled, Alec wondered if Elias would ever want anything more, if he would ever want to have sex. This was fine, and Alec could get by with this for he didn’t live for sex, but if Elias wanted more, Alec wondered if he would be able to give it to him. He had given so much of himself to Magnus, he wasn’t sure if he had enough to give Elias, to make it believable, at least. He had wanted to force himself into giving more, but he was still apprehensive.

They stopped kissing, mainly to catch their breath, Alec rolling to the side, no longer on top of Elias. Even though it could very easily be intimate, it hadn’t been, because it was Elias, and Alec was still thinking about Magnus.

“Are you coming on senior week?” Elias asked.

“Yeah,” Alec said, looking up at the poster of Vanessa Williams that Elias had tacked to his ceiling. Alec only knew her name because he had asked Elias about it before and Elias had gushed for ten minutes. “But I’m off to Italy the day after.”

“So you’re not here for summer?” Elias asked.

“I’m never here for summer,” Alec pointed out, rolling to his side and looking at Elias who was already looking at him.

“So…”

“So,” Alec repeated. Alec smiled at him, at how nervous he could be sometimes, and he wondered if he had behaved like that with Magnus. It was likely, but he hoped he appeared a little like he had some decorum. At least some of the time, he hoped that a great deal. “Elias?”

“Mm?”

“Why did you never talk to me before?” Alec asked. “Or, why did you never engage with me, before you did, I mean? Before winter break, we didn’t talk that much.”

Elias thought about it for a moment before he answered. “I don’t know… After summer, you felt distant, though something about you was different. If I wanted to come near you then, I didn’t think I could. I tried, a couple of times, but it didn’t work. But, after winter, you felt more available, more… I’m not sure, approachable, something about you was there, and I…” Elias sighed. “I don’t know. I think you’re handsome, and you’re… you’re enchanting. I know that sounds ridiculous, but it’s true. I think you made me realise something about myself that I didn’t want to acknowledge until I could have you.”

“Have me?” It was all Alec could manage, wondering how Elias could read him so well. He also wanted to know if that was what Elias wanted. Maybe he did want more, and maybe Alec would have to prepare himself to give him more, make himself ready to be with another.

Elias snorted. “I didn’t mean it like that.”

“But do you want to mean it like that?” Alec asked. “Eventually?”

“Eventually can’t be that far away,” Elias said. “Not if you’re not here for the summer.”

“Or the year,” Alec said.

“Where are you taking your year out?”

“Italy,” Alec affirmed. “It’s just easier.”

Elias nodded.

Elias leaned over and kissed Alec full on the lips. It was true, they only had a few months to get to the eventually point, but Alec was used to the time limit. Elias might not be, but if Alec was the one guiding it, which he was going to have to because Elias was even less in the know than Alec was, then they could get there.

Elias always walked Alec home, which he never needed to do, but Alec wasn’t going to complain. To have someone wanting his attention and to have someone he could give his attention to, it was a wonder. Alec had a lot of love to give since he could not give everything to Magnus now, and he thought Elias was a deserving subject of his affection.

“Are you going to go to prom?” Elias asked as they walked, side by side, close enough to feel each other but not holding each other’s hands because they just couldn’t.

“I don’t know,” Alec said, honest. “Is that you asking me as a date?”

Elias snorted. “I would ask you if we wouldn’t get stoned for it.”

Alec laughed though it was true, painfully so. “Are you going?”

“I would if you were,” Elias replied. “Maybe we could do something else…”

Alec rolled his eyes. However, he answered, “Let’s do something else.”

Elias seemed pleased despite prom not being that close. They kissed on the porch, Elias practically skipping away. It was only a kiss, but it was satisfying enough for them both.

It was another week before they had sex.

It had started with a study session, and then Elias’ parents had gone out for a date night. Elias had been touchier than usual, making more lewd jokes than usual, making sure to linger their looks. He bit his lip more, kept smiling. It was more than enticing, even if it was totally obvious.

Alec had just helped him with a math problem and Elias had thanked him by holding his hand, bringing it to his lips and kissing the back of it. Alec let him, watching him, watching his hooded eyes as he made it more and more obvious what he wanted. But Alec was happy to humour him, he was more than happy to have sex with him. That wasn’t something he would pass up.

In another beautifully obvious move, Elias rolled onto his back, staring up at Alec who lay on his front on the bed. His brown eyes were inviting and wanton, and Alec watched him for only a moment before he leaned down and kissed him on the lips.

Their books were still open at their heads, but their work was long forgotten as their tongues met and Elias ran his fingers through Alec’s locks. He felt his fingertips along his scalp, deep in his hair, running them over and over and gripping him so Alec did not move. But Alec was not going to move because Elias’ lips were so inviting and warm, and Alec wanted them.

Alec kissed down his jaw, relishing in the way Elias lifted his head so Alec could let his lips meet the skin with ease. He sucked gently at some spots, not leaving marks because he didn’t want to put Elias in a position where he would have to explain them. It did make Elias whimper, which was always pleasant.

“Be gentle with me,” Elias said, half-joking, half-not.

“I don’t think I know how to be rough,” Alec replied, coming back up and pressing his lips to Elias’ again and again. “Do you have coconut oil?”

Elias stilled, confused. “Coconut oil? Why?”

“Dry sex is not fun,” Alec asked, harkening back to his times with Magnus, calling for them. Of course, he had no actual experience with dry sex, but he trusted Magnus, through and through.

“You’ve had sex?”

Alec nodded. “You haven’t?”

Elias shook his head. “I mean, I was with a girl, and she gave me a handjob, and I was meant to return the favour, but her father came home and we didn’t risk it. But I haven’t… I haven’t had, you know, had naked, full on sex.”

Alec laughed lightly, kissing his reassurances into Elias’ lips. “Are you nervous?”

“I don’t think so,” Elias said.

It was a miracle, Alec thought, considering how nervous he had been when he was going to have sex with Magnus. Elias was full of a confidence Alec didn’t have when he had had his first time, but that was a good thing. Alec felt he was going to be taking the lead on this, he would prefer to have someone who wasn’t totally nervous. It wasn’t easy to take that much responsibility, particularly when Alec was still new to it.

“But, the coconut oil?” Alec asked, kissing sloppily down Elias’ jaw.

“I think my mum uses some for her hair,” Elias said. “Give me a second.”

Elias got up and practically ran out of the room and returned within a couple of minutes with some expensive bottle in his hand. Alec wasn’t sure he felt so comfortable using Elias’ mother’s expensive coconut oil, but he wanted Elias and he did not know how to do it without some sort of lubricant. Magnus had led him into pleasurable sex and Alec wanted to do the same for Elias.

It was messy, Alec wasn’t used to being the one to dole out the oil, but Elias was not complaining despite the stains that would be left on his bedsheets. Elias was certainly not going to complain when Alec was inside him, stretching him with his cock.

Elias had taken so much time drinking in the sight of Alec’s naked body when they had stripped, Alec happy to allow him. Elias’ beautiful, brown body was just that, and it had been a pleasure to kiss down his skin, ghosting across his hips and thighs. Their young bodies were eager and hot, full of want and desperation. Elias made hungry, keening noises Alec took pleasure in pulling from him. It was different being the one to make love to another person, but it was no less pleasurable.

They did not last long, Elias spilled onto his stomach in eager bursts, Alec spilling into him as he climaxed. It was such a different feeling, filling someone until they spilled out, and Alec revelled in it.

He tried to save too much of his semen spilling onto Elias’ sheets, but Elias was in too much glee to be any help. Those would be difficult stains to explain, and Elias would have to wash them as soon as possible. Elias, however, did not seem to care, and he was a giddy mess as he lay on the bed beneath Alec, all weak smiles and worthless limbs.

Alec laughed at him as he straightened himself out, pulling on his underwear as Elias lay there, content.

It was Alec wiping Elias down when Elias refused to move. He lay there, smiling up at Alec as Alec cleaned around his soft cock and stomach, ridding him of his mess as Elias gave him lazy thanks.

Usually, Alec would climb under the sheets and snuggle up with his lover, but it was only the evening and Alec did not sleep over at Elias’. Instead, after dressing and picking up everything that had fallen off the bed in their haste to rid each other of their clothes, Alec threw Elias’ clothes at him. Elias had sat up, but he did nothing more than watch as his clothing covered his thighs.

“Are you going now?” Elias asked, watching as Alec packed his things into his backpack.

“I have to,” Alec said. “I didn’t tell my father I’d be sleeping over. Otherwise, I would, but…”

Elias nodded, unfazed. “You’ll came back tomorrow? After school, yeah?”

“Sure,” Alec agreed, crawling over the bed and planting a deep kiss on Elias’ lips. “Wash the sheets.”

Elias laughed, watching Alec stand and throw his bag over his shoulder.

“See you tomorrow,” Alec said, leaving the room and walking home, knowing Elias was feeling too weak to stand up and walk.

When Alec got back home, there was a letter waiting for him on the counter. Izzy was studying, Max was reading, and his father was still working in his office. It had been four months since he had received a letter from Magnus, and he didn’t think he would get one again. He had been waiting for Magnus to send one first, and he could not explain his relief when he saw his beautiful handwriting on the envelope.

It had made his heart stop as he picked it up and he walked upstairs in a trance, eager to get to the security of his own room but too shocked to move quickly.

The letter read:

_Dearest Alexander,_

_Forgive me for not sending a letter sooner, things have been hectic. I won’t lie, I was almost hoping you might send me one first to hurry me along, but I understand why you didn’t._

_A lot of things have happened since I last saw you in Italy, and I barely know where to begin in telling you everything._

_I do miss you, more than I can even say. I told Jem and the others about our conversations, not everything, of course, but enough. They told me I’m ridiculous, and I know I must agree. I think you probably agree as well. It is a lot to think about, and I know I avoid it. It’s easier than the truth, sometimes._

_I do promise to send you more letters from now on, I hope our exchanges are more frequent. Forgive me again, and I apologise this letter is so short and that I haven’t said much in it. I promise, more will come in our future letters._

_I hope you are well,_

_Write soon,_

_Magnus xx._

Alec hugged it to his chest and smiled. It was the best thing in the world, and Alec would take even a single word from Magnus and be content for life. He wondered if he should feel guilty he had just had sex with Elias and then was feeling giddy about a letter from Magnus. But he didn’t. He just felt happy.

He wrote back to Magnus instantly, telling him of school, telling him of family and friends. He told him of Elias, because he wanted Magnus to know everything about him and his life. Others might not be so eager to tell former lovers of their current lovers, but not Alec. He trusted Magnus and he loved Magnus, and he was sure Magnus would be interested in this part of his life, for he had told Alec to move on. It was a piece of his life, and he wanted to give all of it to Magnus, even if they did not see each other again.

The next months were spent exchanging letters with Magnus and spending heated evenings with Elias. Almost every time they met each other outside of school, they had sex. Elias took the lead a couple of times, but he liked to be treated, Alec could tell, and it was often Alec making Elias come instead.

But he enjoyed his weeks with Elias. And he enjoyed his letters from Magnus. It was more than enough for his soul, and he was content to live these months at school, even with exams upcoming.

Senior week was spent, mainly, with Elias. Of course, their time was coming to an end, and he could tell Elias was feeling it. Their kisses lingered more, and Elias tried to last longer when they had sex. It was pleasant, but he could tell Elias was going to have a rough time of it when it was time to say goodbye. Alec had so much practice now, it was second nature, and he was going to have to make it easier for Elias when it came to the end.

Their last day of senior week was spent on the beach, though that was mainly how they spent their entire week anyway. They swam and sunbathed, ignored their oncoming stresses of college and forgot their past struggles with high school. Some of them had gone on road trips, some of them had gone on adventures, a lot of Alec’s group settled for sunbathing during the day and drinking during the evening. Some part of Alec had wanted to do more, but Elias had wanted to spend each second in Alec’s company, and Alec granted him that. He was going to have a rough time saying goodbye, and Alec wanted to make it easier on him.

They could not be public with their affections, so, during the day and during their evenings drinking, they were restrained, but he could see the want in Elias’ eyes. It had led to much excitement when Elias snuck into Alec’s room and they fucked desperately.

It was no different their last night together, though Elias clung to him more than normal. He touched every part of Alec’s body he could reach, he kissed every inch of his skin, he even gave him hickeys, which they had restrained from before. Elias had noticed how sensitive Alec’s neck was and spent so much time kissing his sensitive spots, and then he had sucked on them during their last night together. Alec made no complaints.

When they were spent, Elias hugged Alec tight. The only times they had been able to hold each other after sex had been during senior week, and Alec had fond memories of doing just that with Magnus. He had held Elias close, lapped up his kisses when Elias messily met his lips to Alec’s skin.

“I’ll miss you,” Elias mumbled against his skin, his body leaning on Alec’s body, skin on skin.

“I’ll miss you, too,” Alec replied. Part of him meant it, for Elias had been a key part in shaping him, but he didn’t feel too broken at the thought of losing him. It might hurt, but it was not going to be anywhere near the ache he felt when he thought about never seeing Magnus again. No ache was going to be like that.

The next morning, Elias clearly did not want to get out of bed, but Alec had to get home so he could pack for his evening flight. It was straight over to Italy for him. Izzy and Max were coming over later with their father this time, but Alec was not hesitating. He had over a year out of education and he wanted to make the most of that. Sure, it meant leaving Elias when he could have a few more weeks with him, but he wanted his year away from this world, he was ready for that.

Elias kissed all over his face, pressing his lips over his forehead and nose, along his jaw and over and over on his lips. Alec allowed him, lapping it up and smiling at his desperation.

“I hope Italy is wonderful for you,” Elias said, looking down at Alec and smiling with an obvious ache.

“Thank you,” Alec said. “Good luck with everything, Elias.”

Elias smiled and they kissed once more before Alec had to get up and dress. Elias sat in bed and watched Alec move around the room, aching for him and wanting time to stop. Alec knew how he felt and felt only sympathy towards him.

They kissed about forty times, Alec was sure of it, when Alec had to leave the room. It was early enough that no one else would be up, but Alec still wanted to get out before the others. He had said goodbye to them last night, knowing he wouldn’t likely see them again but happy he had spent two years alongside them at school. He was used to saying goodbye and he knew how to prepare himself against it.

There was about twelve “last” kisses before Alec left, sending a smile to Elias who faked his own back. Goodbyes were not easy, and it was only the years of preparation that allowed Alec to get through it so easily.

They never spoke again, neither through letters nor through phone calls, but Elias was in Alec’s thoughts often. He hoped he found happiness, he hoped life had treated him well. Elias had played only a small part in Alec’s life, but it was a good part, and he was glad he had spent the last half of his senior year with him and he would not have changed it for anything.


	37. Michael

After Magnus, there was Michael.

When their guests for the summer arrived, Alec attempted to connect with them, but there was no Magnus. He still got on with the new people, they were nice enough, but there was no one there that was Magnus, that could even come close to Magnus. He didn’t need someone who was there who _was_ Magnus, but, because of where he was and because, everywhere he went, he was reminded of Magnus, it was difficult to not think about him all the time.

He had told Magnus in his previous letter that he should send his letters to the villa for the next fourteen months and arrived after a short trip to Rome, to find a letter from him. Maryse had handed it over after Alec gave her the things he had bought from the capital, and Alec did not hesitate in going upstairs to read it. There was no one in Magnus’ room this year as they had only three guests, so Alec did not have to shut the bathroom door as he jumped on his bed and read it.

Every letter he got from Magnus was a blessing. There had been so many now, and Alec had kept every one of them. He would keep all these ones in the drawer at his desk here in the villa, hoping to have a stash both in Italy and in the States.

_Dearest Alexander,_

_I have no doubt that your year in Italy will be filled with wonderful things. Even though you say your guests are not as interesting as the year before, I hope you get along with them well enough. As ever, I’m sure you will. Even if you do not find someone wholly interesting, which I am guessing your intentions are similar to that of what you and I got up to and what you and Elias got up to, I do hope the summer will treat you well._

_Do you plan on going anywhere else? Europe is wonderful. I know I have not told you much about my gap year all those years ago, but if you would like any information about any countries I went to, I would love to let you know._

_If I’m honest, I can’t quite believe it’s been over a year since I came to Italy. I have so many fond memories, and I would adore it if I could come back, but I just don’t think time will allow it this year. Tell me everything about everything. I just need to hear about Italy again. I miss it, dearly, every inch of it, every brick and path._

_I don’t have much else to write, but know I would love to hear every detail of everything you get up to, as ever._

_I miss you always,_

_Magnus xx._

Alec sighed a content sigh, hugging it to his chest and reading it once more before he put it in his desk drawer. There were a couple of letters from other guests in there, but it was the only spare drawer he had. Maybe he would empty it out with all the letters he expected from Magnus over the months, maybe not. He just wanted an enormous collection of everything Magnus sent him for it filled his soul and constricted the cavity where his heart had once been.

His sister was excited to be back because she got to spend so much time with Simon, and Alec decided not to think about that. His sister, in love, it was a peculiar sight, but he was glad she was happy. Even if it was with Simon, who was Simon and whom Alec could not see much in common with. He would put up with him for his sister’s sake, but no more than he had to.

When Michael turned up, much to Alec’s surprise as he had not said anything in any of the letters he wrote, Alec damn near hugged him and kissed him right there. He didn’t, he had the strength to restrain himself, but, to have someone there who made him feel something other than loss was a miracle. They only had one male guest and he was already in a relationship and wasn’t all that interesting either, so he had no one to stare at and admire. Michael seemed happy to see him, and Alec was more than relieved he had come to visit.

He hoped Michael did not note Alec was wearing a shirt a touch too big for him. The second Alec had gotten back to Italy, he had put Magnus’ shirt on. He didn’t wear it often for he did not want his family to query him, but he wanted to wear it as often as possible. Michael didn’t say anything, and Alec was relieved.

“Are you staying here?” Alec asked, noting his pack and case.

“Your mother said it was okay,” Michael said, hugging Izzy and ruffling Max’s hair.

“Oh, yeah, sure,” Alec said. “We only have three this year. You could stay in your old room.”

Michael looked at him like he knew exactly what he meant, and Alec hoped he did.

“I would love that,” Michael said. “I would absolutely love that.”

Alec grabbed Michael’s case for him, walking upstairs with Michael in toe.

“No Magnus this year?” Michael asked.

Alec rolled his eyes even though Michael couldn’t see that. “No. Unlike some people, he won’t come back every summer.”

Michael pushed him lightly when they reached the top of the stairs, and Alec looked back at him and smiled. When they got into the room adjacent to Alec’s, Alec placed the case on the bed, and waited for Michael to shut the door. The atmosphere changed instantly the second they were in private.

Coming up to him, Michael stood just in front of Alec, their chests almost touching. Alec swayed gently, content. It might not have been his Magnus, but Michael was wonderful as well. Michael brushed the hair across Alec’s forehead, and Alec beamed at him. Affection, he was craving it, and he wanted it more than ever from Michael.

“You’ve gotten taller again,” Michael commented, and Alec noted he was, indeed, a fair few inches taller than Michael now.

Smiling, Alec nodded.

“I hope you don’t get any taller from now on,” Michael said.

“Why’s that?”

“Because it would be much harder to kiss you,” Michael said, beginning to smirk.

“Is that what you’re trying to do now?” Alec bit his lip to stop himself from smiling too brightly.

Michael pinched him, and Alec’s smile grew fully, and then they were kissing.

It had been two years in the making, and it was almost overwhelming. He grabbed onto Michael to steady himself, touching his shoulders and his biceps, revelling in Michael’s hands at his waist. They were firm and they were wanting, and Alec was ready to be his. Even if Michael was here for a week or two, it would be enough. Alec would be his for the time he was here, and he hoped it propelled him through his summer.

Michael was a different kisser to Magnus and Elias; Magnus was the most perfect kisser in the world to Alec, and Elias had been more wanting, more hesitant and waiting to be told what to do. Michael knew what he wanted, and he was taking it already. He had not been able to the first year, not last year either, but he was ready now. Alec would let him have it, ready to let Michael take him and have him.

They kissed over and over, lips touching, bodies aligning. They could have kissed their time away, but they had other things to do and Alec would not be able to explain to anybody why he had spent the entire time Michael was here in his room.

When they broke apart, Alec was breathless, Michael having stolen it all from him. Michael seemed confident and ready, prepared for Alec and prepared for his time here.

“How long are you here?” Alec asked, trying to catch his breath, content he was still being held by Michael.

“A week,” Michael said, wincing slightly. “I wish it was longer, but I couldn’t get the time off work.”

“A week is long enough,” Alec said, beaming.

“Oh, is it?”

Alec nodded, so much more content than when the summer had begun. A week wasn’t that long, but it would have to be enough. If they could let their passion consume them however long they were together, then it would be enough.

“Let’s go swimming,” Michael said, Alec nodding excitedly. He would never get bored of swimming with gorgeous men. He could do that all day.

They bid a quick goodbye to those in the house and then cycled down to the river. The guests were down at the ocean, and there were so many spots at the river where they could be alone. It was their preferred spot, even Michael knew that.

They swam for a long time, touching the other’s wet body and sharing short but sweet kisses. It wasn’t exactly enough because Alec wanted so much more from Michael now. He wanted to know what Michael was like when he made love, he wanted to know how different Michael might be to the others. Not everything was about sex, but considering how much Michael wanted it, Alec was more than ready for it, and he could not wait until the night came and they could be together.

During dinner, Michael kept grinning at Alec, making Alec blush and hide his face. He knew what Michael wanted, and he just hoped he was enough. Michael had wanted this for two years, Alec didn’t know, exactly, what Michael wanted, but he wanted to be enough.

There was pleasant conversation that flowed even after dessert, but Alec was waiting for more. He was waiting for the time he could leave and Michael might follow him. It was a long while until that happened, and Alec was forced to sit through conversations he did not care about. He was impatient and full of want, and he could tell Michael was the same.

When Bridget cleared the tables, Alec used it as an excuse to help and then to get upstairs. He waited about twenty minutes, which were excruciating and long, and then heard Michael knock on his door. There was no hesitation in opening it for him.

“You practically ran upstairs,” Michael commented, stepping into the room and, carefully, shutting it behind him.

Usually, Alec would have cared how he looked to his family, to the guests. He did not want to appear eager or obvious, but he did not care today. He was full of want that had simmered for over two years and there was only one way to satiate his hunger, he was going to get it done with.

Shrugging, Alec stepped forward and hooked his arms around Michael’s neck, bringing their lips together without apprehension. Even though it had been Alec to initiate it, he felt Michael take the lead immediately. He kissed Alec like he knew how much Alec wanted it, which was likely true, and he led Alec back towards the bed. It was still relatively early, but Alec knew they would not be disturbed, so Alec was content to be fucked right then.

When they lay on the bed, Michael a comfortable weight on top of him, Alec felt his want consume him. Michael kissed almost savagely, a ferocity behind his lips that Alec wanted. He bit at his bottom lip, he bit at his neck, he bit at his chest as he pulled Alec’s shirt over his head. There was such a heat, Alec wanted all of it.

Before they got too far, Alec said, “You need to get the oil from the bathroom.”

Michael paused, coming back up to face Alec, brow furrowed. “Oil?”

“I don’t want dry sex,” Alec said, forever thinking he would be using Magnus’ words.

Michael made a face. “You don’t need lubrication, you know that, don’t you?”

Alec shrugged. “I’d prefer it, please.”

Michael nodded and kissed him again. When he pulled back, he was smiling. “Who taught you that?”

“Magnus,” Alec practically whispered, unable to restrain the beam that grew across his face.

Satisfied, Michael climbed off Alec and found the oil where Alec told him it would be. He put it on the corner of the bed and set his lips to Alec’s neck. He had no issue with marking him. Alec would rather not be too marked in front of his mother and father, but he was sure they wouldn’t say anything if they saw them. He wasn’t going to stop him because it felt so good, but he did wonder what everyone else might say if they saw him covered in mouth-sized bruises.

Michael’s body, when unveiled unto the world, was glorious. He was full of muscle, it rolled beneath his pale skin as he moved above Alec, prepping him for sex. He had golden hair across his arms and chest and thighs, and Alec revelled in the glorious sight of him, angelic and stunning. There was a beautiful, thick trail of hair from his navel down to his cock, Alec marvelling at him.

Michael didn’t appear to notice Alec watching him as he went about kissing across Alec’s body, ridding him of his clothes. His cock already sat against his hip and Michael took him straight into his mouth, enveloping him and sending Alec wild straight away.

Michael was not gentle with him, but Alec did not want it gentle. There was such a heat to the way he bit into his skin, to the way he stretched him, to the way their mouths met. It wasn’t rough, but it was not gentle, and Alec adored it anyway. He adored the way Michael left marks across his pale skin and the way his fingers dug into his hips or his shoulders. It was different to how he had had sex before, but it was no less pleasurable.

It made him last longer, it made his climax more intense, it made him spill in hot and heavy bursts as Michael took him apart. Michael inside him was so different to how it felt before, and it was such an intense orgasm.

Michael kissed him senseless as they both recovered, Michael having filled him until he spilled onto the sheets beneath him. He let himself be kissed over and over, wanting to put more effort into his own kissing, but having been made exhausted by Michael’s intense adoration. He was satisfied and he was kissed and he was content.

“I cannot explain to you how much I have wanted that,” Michael said as he returned with a cloth. Alec was able to take it from him and clean himself before handing it back to Michael.

Alec smiled at him in response, content in their love making, content in himself.

Michael climbed into bed with him, getting them both under the light sheet. It wasn’t the warmest of days and Alec was glad to be held by Michael. It wasn’t the same as Magnus’ arms, but it was good and he could feel Michael’s muscles everywhere.

“A week of that,” Michael said, kissing Alec again and again. “Will you cope?”

Alec laughed into Michael’s lips. “I can try.”

“Good.” Michael kissed him once more, pulling him closer, skin on skin. “Because I want you every single night.”

Alec smiled and fell asleep full of a wonderful ache.

They did have sex every single night and a couple of times during the day as well. The only moment of hesitation in their heated and fierce passion came when Alec got a letter. He had spent every second by Michael’s side, touching him, kissing him when he could, but when he got his letter from Magnus, he excused himself to read it. Michael did not question it and he said nothing when he found Alec at his desk, writing his response. He did kiss his neck to remind Alec he was there, but Alec continued writing until he was finished and then found Michael in his own room, ready and waiting. He did not hesitate then.

It was a passionate and fulfilling thing, Alec was pushed over the edge every night and every day, Michael filling him and pushing him further. It was more than he could have wanted for this summer, more than he could have expected. Michael was gorgeous and he wanted him with everything he had, and Alec could do nothing but supply him with himself and let himself be taken over and over.

Sure, he ended up sore and aching, but he would want it no other way. Michael clearly adored him, and Alec liked that feeling. He liked being wanted, particularly by someone like Michael who gave over everything when they made love each night.

It was intense and it was over in such a short amount of time, but their time had been so full. They spent almost every second with each other, swimming and sunbathing, eating next to or opposite each other, and then every evening they made love and held each other, kissing every inch of each other. Alec’s body was bruised and aching, and Alec adored every millisecond of it.

Their last night was spent as every other night, but it lasted longer and it felt even more passionate, even more heated somehow. Michael made him last, bit more marks into him, held him tighter. Alec moaned louder, though he still had to keep it quiet because their walls were far too thin and he would never live with himself if his family heard him making sex noises with Michael. He knew he was never discreet, but he hoped he could at least keep this part less telling.

Alec came twice, which was an interesting first. He, honestly, did not think it possible, but Michael could tell how his body worked and was inspiring enough to bring it out of him. It had made him ache and it had been more than exhausting, but it had brought on such a euphoric feeling, Alec would do it all over again.

Michael seemed content to kiss every inch of him as he recovered, breathing being the hardest thing once Michael had filled him. It had been intense but fantastic, and Alec would live for this night for a long time.

“You okay?” Michael asked, kissing over and over on Alec’s chest as he breathed in and out.

“Mm,” Alec hummed out, words not yet ready. Michael had a morning flight tomorrow, so he would be out of here early. It had been their last time making love, and it would stay with him forever. It might not have been Magnus, but it was enough. It secured, in Alec’s mind, that he could carry on with life and still have an amazing time even if Magnus wasn’t actively in it.

Michael smiled into his skin, kissing him once more before he grabbed the cloth and wiped Alec down. This time, he was certainly far too exhausted to do it, and he liked being cleaned by this gorgeous man who had sent him over the edge twice in a few minutes.

“I have had an amazing week, Alec,” Michael said once they were settled to sleep next to each other for the last time.

“Me, too.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Wonderful,” Michael said, kissing Alec once on the lips.

He was too exhausted to stay awake for a comfortable night chat, but he was content and fell asleep resting on Michael’s glorious body.

The next morning, Michael kissed him awake. It was early and Alec was prepared to sleep for a fair few more hours, but he wanted to say goodbye to Michael, and he forced himself awake.

He watched Michael pack and then dress once he was done. The sun had only just risen but at least he could make the most of the day.

They kissed at the bedroom door, long and slow. It would have been nice to have more, but it wasn’t the time. They had had their time, and Alec was long getting used to the idea of having someone for only a short period of time. If that was the way the world worked for him, then it was, and Alec would just have to get used to that.

Only Maryse got up to see Michael off at the door, but Alec supposed that was fair. It was far too early for the others to get up.

The car was waiting for Michael, so they didn’t have long to bid their goodbyes at the villa door. Maryse kissed him on each cheek and told him he was always welcome, and Michael thanked her, as ever, for her wonderful hospitality.

Then Alec hugged him tight after kissing him, slow, on each cheek. Michael squeezed him in his arms, kissing his cheek even as they hugged.

“I had a wonderful time, Alec,” Michael said into his ear.

“I’m glad,” Alec replied, kissing him on the cheek as well.

“Talk to you soon.”

They parted, Michael sending him a final smile before he got into the car.

Alec and Maryse waited until the car was out of sight before they stepped back inside. As they were already up, Alec helped his mother with the breakfast so Bridget would have less to do when she woke up.

“Did you and Michael have a nice time?” Maryse asked as she prepped eggs for the morning.

“Mhm,” Alec replied, squeezing juices into pitchers. “Sorry if I was absent.”

“It’s fine. I think he’s very fond of you.”

Alec looked at his mother who was staring at the water with the eggs in. She didn’t seem to think anything of her comment, but Alec wondered if she knew something. He knew he was not discreet, and he wondered if his mother had picked up on it, particularly with the dark marks still covering Alec’s neck. No one had mentioned anything, though his sister had snorted when he had come down the morning after the first night with Michael, but said nothing, which Alec was grateful for.

“What makes you say that?” Alec asked, watching for his mother’s reaction.

At first, it was a slight shrug. Then, she said, “I just think you two are very close, and he asks after you a lot.”

Alec was silent for only a moment before he took a deep breath and thought about his words before he said them. His mother didn’t seem bothered by Michael’s interest in him, and maybe that meant good things. He had been with three men, it was only a few months until he was nineteen. He was confident in himself and he thought his mother should know about this part of him.

“Can I talk to you, mum?” Alec asked, waiting for her to say or do something before he continued. She sent him a nod and he continued, “I, um… Michael and I, you know, were…” It was a lot harder to say the words to his mother, but he was trying.

At least, he had started trying before Maryse looked at him and sent him the warmest smile he had ever seen from his mother in his life. It had sent him into silence.

“Do you know?” Alec asked, finding trouble in actually saying the words, and it would be so much easier if his mother already knew.

“I think so,” Maryse said, and Alec had never expected so much relief to come from words like those. Especially from his mother when he had never anticipated much acceptance from her. “You like boys, yes?”

Alec nodded. The breakfast had been forgotten as mother and son watched each other.

“And you and Michael?” Maryse asked.

“Yeah.” He paused, wondering how much he should tell his mother. “I was… Well, I was with Magnus last summer, too.” He left out Elias, but not because Elias was any lesser in his heart but because he did not want to divulge too much to his mother. Also, she did not know who Elias was, as she lived in Italy.

Maryse nodded.

“Did you know that, too?” Alec asked.

“I think partly,” Maryse replied. “I assumed, for I had never seen you _that_ dejected when a guest had left. I thought there might have been something. I think a part of me has known you’ve liked boys for a long while.”

“You have?”

“Yes.”

“How?”

“It’s just little things, really. Nothing really confirmed it, but I’ve had ideas, maybe.” Maryse thought about it before she said anything more. “You’ve never spoken much about girls, particularly not the easy way your sister talks about boys. And I’ve always noticed you being closer to the male guests that come our way. You never really described girls the way I hear a lot of teenage boys describe girls. Take last year, for example: Jace would talk about Clary and how pretty she was and all these things, and I had, not once, heard you talk about girls like that.

“Again, it’s nothing that solidified any ideas and I did not want to jump to conclusions. You never spoke about girls, but then I never heard you speak about boys either, and I thought that might be because you never felt comfortable to do that, but I wasn’t sure. I just thought that might be the case, but I would always wait until I was affirmed in that conclusion. Thank you for trusting me with that, Alexander.”

Alec took a deep breath, taking it all in. There was just one thing he needed clarification on. “You’re not mad?”

“Mad?”

Alec nodded, throat closing up.

Maryse tutted, and Alec wondered if it was at herself. “I know your father and I are not the warmest of parents. But I support you whatever. You are my son and I love you. I would never be mad about something like this, and I feel awful you would think that possible.”

“Sorry.”

“No, no.” Maryse took a deep breath. “It isn’t something to be sorry about. It isn’t.”

Alec nodded. “Does dad know?”

Maryse thought for a moment, and it was such an endless minute, it almost broke Alec into saying something else.

“I don’t think he does,” Maryse said, but she shrugged at the same time. “Maybe you should ask him yourself.”

“I’d rather not.”

Maryse smiled understandingly.

They carried on with breakfast after that, Alec feeling a little more repaired somehow.

Their breakfast was interrupted by the phone ringing and, as Alec was the closest to the door, he went inside to answer it. They didn’t get many calls, so Alec was always interested in who took the time to call them at their villa in the middle of nowhere.

“Pronto?” Alec asked when he picked up the phone.

“Alexander?” the voice on the other end asked, and Alec had to sit down. It had been six months since he had heard his voice, and it took the strength out of his knees.

“Magnus?” Alec asked. “Hi, hi… Hi.”

He heard Magnus laugh through his nose. “Hi.”

“How are you?”

“I’m good,” Magnus said, his voice like music to Alec’s wanton heart. “How are you?”

“I’m good, I’m good,” Alec replied.

“Good,” Magnus said, and Alec could have stayed there forever, knowing Magnus was there, listening, that they were together despite the miles and miles between them. “I just wanted to call because I’m moving.”

“Again?”

Magnus laughed. “Again… I find I’m struggling to settle.”

“Right.” Alec wanted to read into that, into what that might mean for his marriage, but he decided not to. That wasn’t fair on him.

“So, I haven’t got your letter yet, but I will write to let you know what my new address is. I just thought I’d let you know because well, there might be more of a gap between the letters,” Magnus said.

“Are you moving out of New York?” Alec asked, wanting to keep Magnus on the phone forever. He couldn’t believe this was the first time Magnus had called and he wanted it to happen often.

“No,” Magnus said. “Just to another apartment.”

Magnus told him some more about the place, and Alec would listen forever. In fact, he listened for so long, the others finished and walked through the villa, passed Alec and his phone call. Izzy queried him with her eyes, but Alec said nothing, and listened only to Magnus talk about where he was going to live.

When Alec felt Magnus needed to leave because someone had come through his door, though Alec decided not to think about who that was, he asked, “Will you call again?”

“I will do my best.”

“Promise?”

“Always.”

“And you’ll still write?”

“Always.”

Alec could hang up content and full for just a moment.

His sister came in carrying empty pitchers and looked at his smitten face and she stopped in her tracks, staring at him.

“What’s wrong with your face?” Izzy asked.

“Magnus called.”

She understood in a second, and she smiled at him. “That was Magnus?”

“Mhm.”

“Did you tell him about your love bites?” She grinned.

Alec would have thrown the phone at her if it was not attached to the wall. Instead, he made a face at her and walked upstairs, content and feeling the world was good.

A week later, he got a letter from Michael, which brought him instantly back to his bed, lying on his back with Michael on top of him. It was far too much to deal with in public, so he went upstairs to read it, wondering how long they would keep this up considering they had gotten what they needed out of their system.

Eventually, the letters grew sparser and sparser, growing less and less full of any sort of information at all. They stopped altogether a few years after their summer together, just after his third child had been born. Alec didn’t mind, life moved on, and Michael’s had progressed rather far indeed. Alec was sure if he ever wrote to Michael, Michael would likely write back. But they didn’t need to write to each other, not anymore.

And that was enough. Michael played a wonderful part in his life, a wonderful lover during his years, and he held him dear to his heart. He might have never seen him again and he might have never spoken to him again after the letters had stopped, but it had been enough. It had been a wonderful week and Alec would always remember it fondly.

 


	38. Zachariah

After Magnus, there was Zachariah.

It was late fall when someone else piqued Alec’s interest. Bridget had already left to spend time with her family, his brother and sister were still in South Carolina where their father had moved for the year, and his mother was still at whichever academy she was tutoring at, so Alec had the entire villa to himself. It was peculiar because Alec had never, in his life, ever been in the villa by himself. There was always someone else there, even if it was just one other person.

But not this time. It was all his, he had the entire run of the house. He cooked everything for himself, he got his own groceries, he did all the cleaning. It was freeing, and it was such a good way to spend his time.

There had been light snowfall already, though nothing had settled yet. It was only a couple more weeks until winter, but Izzy and Max would be coming to Italy later than usual this year because Izzy wanted to stop off in New York to see Simon. Alec was shocked they were still together, but if it was working, then that was a good thing. Maryse would also be back later to do some extra tutoring and Bridget was going to be gone until well into the New Year. Alec had the villa to himself for so long, and it was such a different atmosphere, and, in no way, was it a negative thing.

One day, after having gone to get some more groceries as he had been running low for a while, Alec noticed a large car at one of the villas beside theirs that had been vacant since the beginning of summer. Alec hadn’t known the residents that well as they had kept mostly to themselves, and he hadn’t noticed they’d been missing at all until his mother had mentioned something.

To see a car in front of it was jarring, and Alec had stopped in his tracks, pulling his coat tighter around him as he waited.

It only took a few more moments before a guy came around the car who was as handsome as he was tall. Both were incredible. His brown curls hung underneath his hat and he had a long, elegant body, and stunningly pale skin. Alec was shocked by him and stared for a minute too long.

The stranger noticed him and waved, which threw Alec back into the world. He waved back and approached, wishing he didn’t have so many bags in his hands so he didn’t feel so cumbersome.

“Hi,” the stranger greeted, holding out his hand which Alec shook as best as he could with bags around his wrists. “I’m Zachariah. Everyone calls me Zach.”

“Alec,” Alec replied, almost stunned into silence. Alec usually felt tall. Looking at this stranger, Zachariah, he felt short. It was highly appealing. “You’re moving in?”

Zach nodded. “I’m here for a year. Taking a break from the real world.”

“Oh, right,” Alec said. “For any reason?”

“I’m a writer,” Zach said. “I wanted some space to write. I promise, I’m less pretentious than that sounds.”

Alec laughed and saw Zach’s smile in return, which was a beautiful and bright thing. “I live in that villa there.” Alec pointed towards it.

“You have a nice American accent for someone who lives in Italy.”

Alec laughed again, encouraged by Zach’s wonderful smile. “I summer here every year, but I’m taking a gap year, and that’s where I’m living.”

“Well, that sounds like a wonderful way to live.”

“It is.” Alec smiled at him, his dark brown eyes gorgeous. “I’ll leave you to move in. You should come over for dinner sometime, though.”

“I will take you up on that offer as soon as humanly possible.”

Alec smiled, bidding goodbye and managing to glance back only once before he went into his own home. He thought that a great success considering how many times he wanted to look back at him.

For another week, they saw each other out and about. The first time, Alec bumped into him in town, stunned by his gentle beauty even then. He offered to show him around, saying it was best to get a tour in before the snow grew heavy, and Zach took him up on that. He learnt a little more about him, spoke about himself as he showed him about the town. It was starting to close, and he promised things were livelier in the summer, even if it was only slightly.

“Who else do you live with?” Zach asked when Alec had showed him the row of grocery stores that would be the most useful to him during winter.

“Well, my mum lives here most of the time, but she tutors at different schools, so she’s not in the house all that consistently, except for summer. Bridget, who tends to the house, usually stays most of the year but, with me here, she’s spending more time with her family this year. Then there’s my brother and sister who come up for the holidays, but I don’t reckon they will so much when they get older. Then my father comes up for the summer. He’s a teacher, so it’s the most time he gets off.”

“Your mum and dad live in separate countries?”

Alec nodded.

Zach did not press it and Alec could not be more thankful. He was sure his mother and father’s relationship was strained, and he thought about it as little as possible.

He learnt a bit about Zach’s family, about how religious they were, though that was clear from his name alone. He had a lot of brothers, all of whom had heavily religious names and were doing lots of different things across the world. Zach had the most artsy of all their professions, and he said that he had been greatly deterred when his mother and father did not entirely agree, but he had pursued it anyway.

Alec had heard so much of Zach’s life in their short time walking together and he could listen forever, but, before he knew it, they had spent an entire morning and afternoon together and wandered back to Zach’s home. Alec had invited Zach back to his for a dinner, but Zach politely declined as he had his own things planned. He promised another date, and Alec held him to it.

They bumped into each other again the next day at a café, and then the day after that, Alec found him inside a souvenir shop the day before it closed. After that, he did not see him for an entire day because he had spent it inside cleaning. The day after, however, he saw him in one of the grocery shops he had recommended, and Alec had helped him pick out the kind of things he should cook with and the kind of things he should avoid. Zach had listened to him intently and followed everything he said, and Alec was filled with an odd amount of pride. Zach was here for a year, Alec would be here until the end of August, and it was going to be so wonderful.

It had secured just how wonderful it was going to be when Zach knocked on his door a couple of days later.

He had a cup in his hand and he smiled his gorgeous, warm smile when Alec opened the door. It startled him for only a second, jarred by how gently beautiful Zachariah was, before he smiled.

“Hello,” Alec greeted.

“Hi,” Zach replied. “I was wondering if I could trouble you for a cup of sugar.”

Alec laughed through his nose gently before he made a snap decision and nodded. He wrapped his arms around Zach’s neck and kissed him. It was a sudden movement, something Alec decided within a second of hearing Zach’s gorgeous voice and seeing his beautiful smile, and he hoped it was the right thing to do.

It was confirmed when Zach hummed gently into his lips, wrapping his arms around Alec’s body, holding him tight. Alec kissed him as best as he knew how, soaking up the warmth of his lips, lapping up the smile he felt pressed against him. He let his snap decision consume him, and he pressed his body as much into Zach’s as he could, feeling how much taller he was than him and enjoying every centimetre taller he was.

It ended quickly, but it had to end because the chill was grand on Alec’s hands and he wanted the door closed as soon as possible.

Zach leaned on the doorframe, humming gently.

Alec beamed before biting his lip, not wanting his happiness to consume him. He didn’t want to seem like the nineteen-year-old he was for a moment, he wanted to seem more mature for Zach.

“I do actually need some sugar,” Zach said, and Alec’s stomach dropped.

“Shit-.”

“Wait, no,” Zach interrupted before Alec could panic. He held his hand up to calm him. “I was totally hoping you would do that, and I am so glad you did.”

Alec’s beam consumed him again. He let it consume him fully this time before he invited Zach into the warm. He led him to the kitchen, letting Zach slowly admire the villa as he went. He might give him a tour afterwards depending on how much he could restrain himself. He wanted to kiss him senseless, and that urge was hard to control.

Alec gave him his cup full of sugar and was relieved when Zach didn’t leave straight away.

“How long before someone else comes home?” Zach asked.

Alec could not hide his grin. “Why?”

Laughing at himself, Zach said, “I’m just curious. No reason.”

“My mother should be home first in a couple of weeks.”

Zach nodded. He repeated, “A couple of weeks.”

Alec nodded and wondered what those two weeks might bring.

He gave him a quick tour and invited Zach to dinner. He couldn’t come tonight or for the few nights following because he promised himself to work and would reward himself later. Apparently, coming to visit Alec had been one of his rewards for working on some chapters, and Alec felt so much pride and worth at being valued as someone’s reward. He would accept Zachariah’s hard-working schedule if he valued him as a reward.

He promised, if he worked himself appropriately over the next four days, he would come to Alec’s for dinner the night after. It was enough, and Alec held him to that promise. Alec kissed him on his way out and felt Zach’s smile for the rest of the night.

Over the next four days, he saw Zach in town twice, once in the café and once at another store. Alec could not help his smile around Zach now, not after knowing how he felt. He had such a wonderful sense of humour as well, and he made Alec laugh so much it hurt a couple of times. It was wonderful, and the only thing to distracting him when he got back to the villa was a letter from Magnus.

Not once did Magnus mention Etta. Alec was thankful for that. He wasn’t sure he wanted to know how wonderful his marriage was. If Magnus ever needed to tell him about his marriage, Alec would be more than happy to listen, to help him if he needed it, but he didn’t want to hear about it if he didn’t have to because he was sure it would still make him ache.

They still spoke about anything and everything. Alec had told him about Michael and he had mentioned Zach in his previous letter though, by that point, he had not kissed him. And Magnus always asked after them, always wondering how Alec felt about the men in his life. Alec liked to tell him because he wanted Magnus to know he was happy. He wanted Magnus to be happy and he wanted to feel happiness also. Their relationship might never become reality again, but Alec would never want him gone from his life and he would share everything with him. He loved hearing about Magnus’ life, about what was going on with him and his career and about the others like Jem and Will, and he loved telling Magnus what was going on with him, and he knew that would continue forever.

When Zach knocked on his door one morning, Alec thought he was going to come for lunch instead of dinner. It was, instead, him being polite, which Alec adored. Zach was endearing as well as so many other things and Alec was intrigued.

“Good morning,” Zach greeted, leaning on the door frame with his hat covering his pretty curls and a scarf making him look cosy and inviting.

“Morning,” Alec replied, hand still on the door so he did not leap at Zach and kiss him senseless. He was dying for him, and the amount of restraint he had to show because Zach viewed him as a reward was insane, it was killing him inside and making him relieve himself in small moments during the night where he could not forget about his lips on his own. “You okay?”

“Very, thank you,” Zach said. “If the invitation is still open, I would very much like to come to dinner tonight.”

Alec’s smile grew across his face slowly and he could not deter it when it was set upon his lips. “It will be open every single night I am in Italy, Zach.”

“That’s very kind.”

“Is this a reward for doing well?” Alec asked, enjoying the idea.

Zach nodded once, leaning in to kiss Alec on the cheek. “I will see you this evening. What time?”

“Seven?”

“Seven,” Zach repeated, nodding and leaving.

Alec watched him until he disappeared and squealed as he shut the door.

He wasn’t sure how many official dates he had been on. He wondered if his time with Michael and Magnus, their days out together, if they counted, but he wasn’t sure. Nothing with Elias really counted as a date, and so this, he thought, might be his first, official date. It was more exciting than he could comprehend and he did not know how to set himself about for the rest of the day.

Most of the time, he spent it cleaning and wondering what exactly he could cook for Zach that would show off his talents. If he was being deemed a reward, he really wanted to give Zach something amazing.

He was in the middle of cooking when Zach knocked at the door. Steeling his nerves, he wiped his hands on his apron and went to answer the door, overwhelmed by how gorgeous Zach looked when he was wearing more than his casual clothes. It wasn’t much more, but his dark jeans and black, button-up shirt were overwhelming, and Alec took a deep breath that did nothing to calm him.

“I hope ten minutes early isn’t rude,” Zach offered when Alec could say nothing in the face of his beauty.

“Of course not,” Alec said, stepping back and allowing Zach in. It was only then that Alec noticed he was carrying a backpack with him, and Alec wondered what was in it but was too busy watching Zach move through his villa to pry.

“What are we having?” Zach asked when they reached the kitchen, taking a deep breath so the scent of fresh cooking filled his nose.

“Ciceri e tria,” Alec said, going back to check things over and satisfied when it was where he expected it to be. He looked back to the table to see Zach putting his bag on the floor and pulling out a bottle of wine, gently placing it down on the table before him.

“For dinner,” Zach offered, tapping the bottle twice.

“Thank you,” Alec replied, stepping forward and taking the bottle from him, admiring it. He wasn’t much of a wine-drinker, but it was not something he wanted to pass up.

Zach took the opportunity with Alec standing closer to kiss him on the cheek. It sent warmth spreading across his face, and he smiled at him. Alec wasn’t often someone who blushed, but to have Zachariah be so gentle with him was overwhelming and it took everything Alec had within him to not become bashful.

Alec got glasses out and poured some of the wine for them both, clinking it with Zach’s as they took gentle swigs. Alec carried on with cooking, content with Zach’s gaze heavy on him as he worked.

Even though he told Zach to sit down so he could serve him, Zach ignored him and came around to help. No part of Alec was going to complain because his body was so close and Alec forgot what it felt like to be in this stage. With Elias, it had been quick and obvious, with Michael, there had been no hesitation. It was almost back to the flirting and hesitation he had felt with Magnus. It wasn’t exactly the same because they had already kissed and there was so much promised to him already, but it was at that stage where he was nervous and bashful, and it was so wonderful.

They set the table and sat with Alec at the head and Zachariah just to the side. He did not want Zachariah sat at the opposite end of the table because he wanted to be near him. Alec went to eat instinctively but saw Zach bow his head to pray, the act unveiling the Angel he had hung around his neck. He had known Zach was religious based off his name alone, but he did not know to what extent.

Alec did not bow his head, but he waited patiently until Zach was finished, smiling at him when he sat up.

When they began, conversation started and Alec learned about Zach in every way possible. He wanted to know everything, he wanted to understand everything about him. He was intriguing and interesting, and he wanted to ask, outright, how religious Zach was and how it impacted his life, but he thought it best for an opportune moment.

He waited until he served them their dessert and then even after. He liked listening to Zach talk and he liked the way Zach looked at him when he spoke. He did not want to falter that conversation with a question about his faith.

They were washing and drying things when Alec was steadying his nerves to ask such a question. It still took some time before he could get out what he wanted to say. He didn’t want to come off as rude, but he wanted to know because he knew, in some cases, faith prohibited things like this and he wanted to know where Zach stood.

“I’m sorry I didn’t pray before eating,” Alec said, not exactly what he wanted to say but just trying to open the conversation. They were stood by the table, clearing it of the wine bottle and other things that were left that did not need washing.

Zach looked at him and shook his head gently. “You don’t have to apologise for that. I have no qualms about people who don’t pray.”

“Do you pray before everything?” Alec asked.

Zach shrugged. “I always thank the Angel for everything, it’s important to me. I believe I should always thank the Angel for my meals, for putting food in front of me.”

“But I put it in front of you,” Alec said, half-smiling, wondering if he would get away with it.

Zach looked at him slowly and then grabbed Alec’s chin between his thumb and forefinger, jokingly going to scold him as he tutted lightly. There was a light smile on his lips and relief soared through him as he bit his lip.

He took Zach’s thumb in his mouth, running his tongue along the skin before gently biting it between his teeth.

“Fuck me,” Alec demanded around the thumb in his mouth, enjoying the dark look it pulled from Zach’s eyes. The dark brown meshed so well with his engulfing pupils, and it sent a shiver down Alec’s spine.

“Get on the table,” Zach commanded.

Alec did not hesitate in setting himself on the table, waiting for whatever came next.

When Zach kissed him, Alec felt his bones melt. There was so much control in his kiss, so much want and desire packed into Zach’s lips, and it sent him senseless as he kissed back. Zach had a hand on his waist, the other hooked around his nape. Zach kissed his lips numb before he pulled Alec’s shirt over his head.

It was all hands and kissing then, Alec taking time to unbutton each of Zach’s buttons and touching as much of his pale skin when the fabric was thrown to the floor. He felt how in control Zach was when he started on Alec’s belt, unbuckling it with a fierce hunger, wanting Alec naked and ready for him. Alec was content to be undressed so long as Zachariah kept kissing him and as long as he could keep touching his pale skin with his wanton hands.

He paused only when Zach put his cock in his mouth, not sucking or swallowing him for long, but enough for Alec to be thrown back in the moment before they carried on.

“Wait, wait,” Alec said, breathless, watching as Zach stilled and straightened to look at him. “I don’t have any oil down here.”

Zach smiled something that was, somehow, both inviting and consumed with passion at the same time. Alec didn’t know what was coming and waited as Zach bowed to rummage though his bag and pull something out. The bottle Zach then held in his hands was overwhelmingly interesting.

He shrugged at Alec’s stare. “I was hopeful of things.”

Alec grinned and was content to pull Zach in for another kiss, lips hungry and hot, filled with more desire after they had had to pause for so long.

There was no hesitation in Zach stripping himself of his remaining clothes, stretching Alec, and fucking him senseless. It taught him to endure things he had not yet endured before, it taught him how different Zach was when he made love. His hands on Alec’s hips, keeping him in rhythm with his thrusting, would bruise and Alec looked forward to them. They weren't in the right position to kiss, but Alec wasn't sure he would be able to kiss him anyway, the moans and curses he released because of Zach keeping his mouth occupied. He tried not to blaspheme, but he was sure one or two escaped his lips.

He wasn’t entirely sure when he came, but he was brought back to reality when Zach kissed him on his lips again. Opening his eyes, not even realising he had closed them, he smiled lazily at Zach, noticing he was dressed again.

“You’re not staying the night?” Alec asked, sitting up and realising he was cleaned already. Zach had sent him wild and Alec was surprised he was able to come back to reality at all.

“I very much wish I could,” Zach said, buttoning up his shirt. “But I have not written enough to warrant anything like that.”

Alec pushed himself off the table and gathered his clothes to start dressing. “Will you come over tomorrow?”

Zach sent him a smile that had Alec practically swooning. “So impatient.”

Alec shrugged.

“We’ll see. I do need to cook for you, after all,” Zach said, kissing Alec long and slow before he bid him a goodnight.

With Alec’s mother returning to them the next week, Alec made the most of every second he had with the empty house and invited Zach over every time he saw him. Considering Zach knew Maryse was returning soon, he took him up more often than not. It didn’t always end in sex, but it did enough of the time, and Alec was sent senseless more times than he could remember.

When Maryse and the others came for the winter, Alec introduced them to Zach, but not as his lover. He told Magnus in his letter he was meeting with Zachariah often and that they had become lovers, but he didn’t tell his family. Izzy guessed it pretty quickly, but his mother didn’t make any comment. He came over for dinner a couple of times and Alec would walk him back to his home and kiss him at the door. He wanted more, but he decided it could wait until after his family left for the States again. It would build everything up, and Alec was prepared for what came afterwards.

Magnus called a few times over the winter, telling him about his new apartment and how much he hated it. Alec asked him why, but Magnus never gave him a proper answer, and so he did not push it. Every time the phone rang, Alec hoped it was Magnus. Most of the time, it was, but it was wholly disappointing when someone else answered. They would stay on the phone for an hour or two, and Alec’s day would be rendered perfect just by hearing his voice.

When the villa was his and his alone in the New Year, Bridget having extended her stay with her family until the summer, he invited Zach over and they made up for being able to do little more than kiss with a night of passion, Zach staying over this time. It was a wonderful feeling, sleeping next to Zach, and Alec spent the minutes before he slipped into unconsciousness studying Zach’s incredible features.

The phone woke him the morning after, and Alec hurried downstairs after pulling on some underwear to answer it. He wasn’t sure if Zach stirred, but he could not think about Zach if Magnus was calling.

“Hello?” Alec asked, always answering in English now.

“Hi,” his wonderful Magnus replied. “How are you?”

“I’m good… Zach was here last night,” Alec said.

“Was he now?” Magnus asked, and Alec could hear him smiling. “And how was that?”

“It was nice.”

“Mhm,” Magnus hummed, obviously still smiling.

“And how are you?”

“I’m very well,” Magnus answered. “I just thought I’d check in. I’m moving again, you see.”

“Again?”

“Yes.” Magnus paused, and Alec heard him sigh. “Settling is a lot harder than it seems.”

“You hate your apartment that much?”

“I think it’s more than that…”

Alec waited, wondering if Magnus might explain what that more part was, but he didn’t. The pause lasted a while, and Alec just waited.

“Hopefully, this new place will be better,” Magnus said in lieu of explaining what he meant. “It’s bigger, so that might help.”

Alec went to reply, but he heard footsteps, and Zach appeared, wearing only underwear, which was so distracting Alec’s throat dried up. Zach smiled at him, kissing him on the cheek and then disappearing into the kitchen.

“Is Italy beautiful now?” Magnus asked when Alec said nothing.

“It’s always beautiful,” Alec said, and he meant it for it held so many beautiful things.

“I suppose that’s true,” Magnus replied, and he sighed. “I suppose I should go.”

“You’re sure?”

“Yeah. I’ll call again soon. When I’m settled…” Magnus laughed a humourless laugh. “I miss you, Alexander.”

“I miss you, too.”

They hung up shortly after that, Alec left staring at the wall in confusion at Magnus’ words before he got up and found Zach in the kitchen, cooking breakfast.

“Good morning,” Zach greeted when he saw him, Alec coming up and kissing him on the cheek.

“Morning.”

“Anyone interesting on the phone?” Zach asked, causally, and Alec wondered if he should tell him. Zach was gentle and loving, he likely wouldn’t think anything of it.

“His name is Magnus,” Alec said, idly, coming over to pour drinks for them both, trying to gauge Zach’s reaction but not wanting to stare at him.

“And who is Magnus to you?”

“My first love,” Alec said, slowly, watching Zach.

Zach nodded.

“Do you mind?” Alec asked.

Zach looked at him, brow furrowed. “Mind what?”

“That I talk to him.”

Zach laughed through his nose and came over to Alec, wrapping his arms around his waist, kissing him on the cheek. “Should I mind?”

“No. He can’t be mine again.”

Zach considered him for a moment, confused perhaps. “I don’t mind. I will never mind. It’s not something I should have an opinion on, Alec.”

It was a relief to hear, and Alec was glad he had told him. He liked Zach, and he wanted Zach to have this piece of him, even if it wasn’t much. It was enough.

They spent a lot of time together between the New Year and spring. If Zach did not think himself worthy of spending the night with Alec, Alec would go over to his and sit with him as he worked. Their nights would not end in passion then, but with short kisses, Zach praying before he slept and then climbing into bed and holding Alec in his arms.

Sometimes, when Alec wanted to reward Zach for working hard, he would play him piano. He didn’t want to gift many people these gifts, but he wanted to give them to Zach. Zach would sit behind Alec on the sofa and listen to Alec as he played him something, never Magnus’ piece, but anything he thought Zach might enjoy. Zach had taken him on the piano once, and Alec thought he might never be able to look at the piano the same again, but it brought up good memories. Zach would always kiss him and thank him, and Alec felt wonderful at being able to please Zach in whatever form he could.

It was not long before Alec thought he loved Zach. In fact, the idea came into his mind during a conversation the two of them had before bed one night. Zach had decided he hadn’t worked hard enough to warrant Alec’s body as his reward, so they had cuddled up to each other after Zach had prayed, and waited before they might fall asleep.

Instead, Alec asked, “How do you know you believe in the Angel?”

Zach, having been unprepared for the question, paused a long while before he spoke. Alec waited patiently.

“It’s just a feeling,” Zach said. “A lot of people think of faith differently, and I just… I don’t think of the Angel as a being, just more of a feeling, a concept. It’s all to do with love for me, all do with faith.”

Alec looked at him, studying Zach’s gentle smile. “But… I mean, my dad is quite religious, and I hated being forced into it. I don’t think I could ever believe in Him really.”

Zach laughed through his nose. “I know. I understand why a lot of children don’t follow it when it’s forced onto them. I certainly have a different view to it than my parents. They believe in the rules set out by the generations before them, and I do not agree. They would not be happy with how I live my life, particularly with you right here and the things we get up to, but faith and religion should change with time, that’s how I feel. They wouldn’t only have issues with the fact you are a man, but also the fact you are not religious, but I have no qualms about anyone’s faith. Whether they share my religion, whether they share something else, whether they don’t believe at all, it’s nothing to me. I believe in love and loving each other.”

“I’m not sure if I believe,” Alec said, not sure how else to respond to Zach’s wise and caring words.

Zach smiled gently at him again. “That’s fine. It makes no difference to me or my feelings, Alec.”

“Really?”

Zach nodded, pressing his lips to Alec’s, and that was how he knew he loved him.

But he had never said that to anyone before, and he wrote in his letter to Magnus that he loved Zach but he was unsure if he should tell him because it was the first time he wanted to say it. It was not the first time he had felt romantic love, but he had not said it the first time because of a great fear, but it was the first time he wanted to say it.

When he got his letter back from Magnus, he told him to tell Zach if he truly felt it, and it was the push he needed.

During the next dinner, Zach cooking for him this time, he told him those three words and waited with so much tension in his shoulders as he waited for Zach’s reaction. Zach could have said he was just a fling, just a fancy he felt as he spent his time in Italy, but Zach had replied with the same phrase and Alec had not hesitated in coming forward and kissing him full on the lips.

Even though Zach didn’t think himself worthy enough of Alec’s body as a reward, he took him that night anyway. It had felt so vulnerable to say it first, but there was so much relief when Zach had replied, and Alec felt a lot more of the cavity in his heart beginning to fill.

When his family returned for Easter break, Alec told them he and Zach were a couple and received the acceptance he had wanted from them. And Zach fit into their dinners well as one of the member’s significant others as opposed to just one of their neighbours. Max had warmed up to him over the winter, so even he got along with Zach just fine. It was such a pleasant exchange to have his boyfriend, which was the weirdest thing in the world for him to think and say, beside him as he engaged with his family, and Alec wanted it as often as possible.

Zach came around for dinner every night, and Alec felt comfortable enough to spend the night with him at Zach’s home now his family knew his relationship with him. Alec loved him even more after the break.

But, as summer dawned on them, Alec felt the time-stamp all over again. He wondered if he was doomed for every relationship of his to be forced to an end because of time. He was sure relationships ended for other reasons, but he had yet to have one end for any other reason than time crushing it.

They had had one discussion about it when Zach asked what Alec was going to do at college. Alec had replied something like languages or art, and how he would want to return to Italy to teach languages in schools if possible and, of course, that had brought on a conversation about how they were going to continue if Alec was in college in the States and Zach was doing what he was doing with his life.

“Do you suppose…” Zach began, thinking about it as he sipped on his wine. “What do you think about long-distance?” Zach asked after Alec had inquired what he was doing after he had finished with Italy, Zach saying he honestly didn’t know.

Alec had shrugged under his intense gaze. “I just don’t know if it works. It worked for my sister because Simon comes back every summer and she can visit him during breaks and they’re going to do something together when they’re out of school. But… I don’t know if it works elsewhere.”

Zach nodded once, and Alec wished love would hurt a little less. “So, come August…”

“Yeah.” Alec swallowed the bitterest of tastes in his mouth.

They did not talk about it again and Alec pushed it to the back of his mind until their last day of summer.

At the beginning of summer, Zach let Alec read what he was writing and they spent a lot of their time with Alec reading what Zach had done and then being kissed senseless afterwards. It wasn’t an unpleasant way to spend his time and Alec enjoyed every second of it.

He could take Zach swimming during his breaks, take him to the ice cream shops, feed him good food. He gave him all the love he had in their final weeks together as things came to their end. He could feel it the same way he had done two years before and he told Magnus exactly that in the letters they exchanged, noting that, despite having practice at it now, saying goodbye to someone he loved was made no easier.

Part of him wished he could make it work long-distance but, if that had been the case, he would have done the same with Magnus. And it was not the case, so, as their summer came to an end, they made peace with how their love would end as well.

It made it no easier when they lay in bed together during their final night and it made it no easier when they kissed goodbye at Zach’s door, but it had to be done. Alec’s love appeared to always come with a time-stamp, and he would have to get used to that. He wished Zach so much luck with his book and Zach wished him luck with his endeavours in the future. They kissed a final time and then Zach was gone from his life like the others.

Over the years, he received letters here and there from Zachariah. When his books were published, Alec was first in line to purchase them and read them and he would tell Zach everything he thought in the letters he sent. They had phone calls between each other and Alec spoke to him as often as he knew how. So much of his heart had gone to Magnus, but there was a piece of it with Zach as well, and Alec would never forget that.

Zach never married, but Alec heard of the many other lovers in his life and was pleased he had found other people to love. Part of him wished he might see Zach again sometime, but his books took him elsewhere, and Alec could not follow. But they kept in contact for most of Alec’s life and Alec kept Zach in his heart forever.


	39. George

After Magnus, there was George.

Alec had chosen Middlebury because of its language schools, but a part of it was also because he had never stayed in Vermont before. He had been through so much of America with his father moving from State to State with his career, and he thought he might as well go through a bit more of it if the opportunity was there. He could have schooled in Italy or maybe gone to England for his studies for he had the grades and he had the funds, but he wanted to move to Italy after his time at college, so he would make the most of America whilst he had it.

As Alec had spent so much of his time moving to new places and meeting new people, he had no problems getting involved after moving into his dorm. Alec had chosen to have a single room because he was so independent. He was used to living with others and living by himself, and he could take it either way, really. But he had shared his home and his room for so many years, he wanted this to himself.

Campus came alive the second students started to arrive and Alec found himself, a few days later, looking through the fairs and wondering if he should sign up for any clubs. It was such a different experience to the things he had been through before, he wasn’t sure if he should hold back or jump in. He was planning on taking one of the languages he already knew as his major, Italian seeming the most obvious choice, but he wondered if that counted as cheating. He wondered if he should push himself and learn a new one, but he got distracted by an archery society.

There was a collection of sports organisations that intrigued Alec, but he had never been much of a sportsman. Physical education had been the worst for Alec but he wondered, if he could choose his own thing and do it as he pleased, if he would enjoy it more.

As he perused the pamphlets and pictures, he was caught off-guard by someone laughing beside one of the sports’ stands, and he looked up to see a statue of beauty with the most gorgeous dimples. Alec took note of the stand he was at, which was tennis, and then looked at the rugby shirt he was wearing, His large, tanned muscles were on show and Alec was sure his heart skipped. It was far too soon to feel something for someone after he had loved Zach and had left him a few weeks ago, but Alec’s interest was certainly piqued.

Not wanting to appear obvious, though that was exactly how he behaved almost all the time, Alec continued perusing, working his way closer to the handsome stranger. The stranger laughed again, and it called Alec closer.

“Hi,” someone said, hopefully to Alec, his voice thickly accented.

Alec looked up from the horse-riding sign-up sheet to see the stranger’s deep brown eyes looking at him. They glinted under the sun that had decided to show up for the day and Alec thought it was a blessing from the Angel, though he was sure Zach would snort at such thoughts.

“Hello,” Alec replied, straightening out, figuring he was a few inches taller than the guy staring at him and hoping to use it to his advantage.

“Do you ride horses?” the stranger asked, Alec trying to figure out where he was from but too distracted by his dimples to be able to decipher it. He was smiling and Alec thought he was done being distracted by pretty smiles but, apparently, the world had other plans for him.

“I’ve never ridden a horse,” Alec said, lacing his hands behind his back and sending another smile at the handsome stranger.

“Aye, that’s a shame,” he said, and Alec was getting closer to understanding his accent but his dimples appeared again and Alec was thrown from his conclusions all over again. “If you signed up, I’d be happy to help you with that.”

“This isn’t your first year?”

“Aye, it is,” he said. “But I grew up on a farm, so I’m very good at it.”

“You grew up on a farm?” Alec asked, totally ignoring the rest of the fair and focusing only on his dimples.

“Mhm. Scottish farms are as dismal as you think they are, but I got a lot of outdoor practice.”

“Scottish?”

“Aye.”

Alec laughed and felt his heart melt when he saw the dimples again and he was sure, if he and this Scotsman spent more time together, he would die after seeing his dimples so many times. Alec didn’t realise he had a soft spot for dimples, but the world was telling him he did.

“I’m George,” the stranger said, holding his hand out.

Alec took it and replied, “Alec.”

“Hello, Alec,” George said.

“Hi.”

There were smiles galore then as they dropped each other’s hands and Alec could not stop staring at those gorgeous dimples.

“Are you here to do sport?” George asked, which was a fair comment considering where they were standing, but it was so completely wrong, Alec could have laughed.

He shook his head instead, not wanting to be rude as it seemed George might, very well, be here for just that. “Languages.”

George nodded. “I’m here for sport,” he said, winking and Alec smiled again.

“I never could have guessed.” Alec glanced at George’s biceps. It was quick enough that Alec did not blush at being so obvious, but it was obvious enough that George could get at what he was implying.

Seeing as George quirked an eyebrow at him and smirked, it worked exactly as Alec might have hoped, and he sent a pleased smile George’s way.

They didn’t talk for much longer because Alec had a greeting seminar to attend, but he promised to see him again soon. There was a party tonight at some club Alec didn’t know, but it had been decked out for students and many were invited. Alec hadn’t considered it but, after George mentioned he was going before Alec had to go, Alec decided he was going.

He paid no attention as the lecturer droned on about things Alec could not care for when the only thing on his mind were dimples and bright curled hair.

That evening, Alec spent the first hour mingling with new people and trying to find anyone he might click with whilst keeping an eye out for George. He saw a couple of people he had met at some of the society fairs he was considering but, really, his mind was on sports and a gorgeous creature with a Scottish accent.

Another hour later, Alec thought he might not see George, and that was fine. It was only the first week, he had plenty of time to meet people and to be interested in them. He didn’t have to be obsessed with his first fancy all the time.

However, when George emerged with a small group of very attractive men and women who were pumped and intimidating, Alec thought he might very well be hung up on his first fancy again. The group were all smiles and comradery, and Alec watched them as they crossed the room, untouched and almost the centre of attention before the room got back into groups mingling altogether.

Somehow, George spotted him from across the room and waved. Alec waved back, filled with pleasure at the idea George had spotted him and let his attention divert to him.

It was another few minutes before George made his way over, somehow known by everyone already. Alec felt so much pride and wonder at George deciding Alec was someone he wanted to be with despite only having met him that afternoon. It was a wonderful thing, and Alec watched him come to his side with incredible intrigue.

“Hello,” George greeted, sliding into the empty chair beside Alec, Alec feeling the heat from his body as it slipped passed him and next to him.

“Hi,” Alec replied, turning to face him.

George considered him for a moment before he spoke again. “Are you enjoying yourself?”

“I am now,” Alec said, implication heavy.

George laughed through his nose, Alec watching him, his dimples fascinating.

“What are you doing after this?” George asked.

“I didn’t have anything planned.”

“There’s another party you should come to,” George said.

“Is this all college is going to be?” Alec asked, though he was smiling.

George shrugged. “If you’re with the right crowd.”

“And who is the right crowd?”

“Me,” George said, casual, confident, enticing.

Alec could have kissed him right there.

However, he did not, and he spent the next few weeks in George’s company. Whenever he wasn’t studying and whenever George wasn’t doing his own thing, Alec found he was with him. Whether that was watching him play tennis or attempting, and rather failing, to teach George some French or Italian, whether it was just the two of them or whether they were part of a bigger group, Alec gravitated towards him.

He told Magnus this in his letters, finding the wait time a lot less now they were a State apart from each other. Despite the amount of times Alec mentioned other men in his letters, Magnus never mentioned Etta. Alec wasn’t sure what to think of it, but Magnus encouraged Alec whenever he spoke about the men he was falling for. And Alec liked writing down how he felt; whether that was the love he had felt for Zach, or this new and exciting feeling for George, he liked telling Magnus how he was feeling and he liked hearing what Magnus thought of the men he felt things for.

Things escalated after Halloween. George had invited Alec to a costume party, George coming as Superman and Alec as Ferris Bueller, and they had gotten drunk off kegs and shots they weren’t meant to be drinking. The two of them had fallen asleep on the couch of whoever had been hosting, George with his head lolling over the back and Alec with his head on his shoulder.

Alec had woken up groggy with his head throbbing, eyes not enjoying the brightness of the world. He had been drunk a few times in his life, and he did not know why when the recovery was like this. November the first had brought a great chill and Alec regretted his costume almost instantly because it was not meant for cool weather. It was uncomfortable and his neck was sore from the position he had slept in, but, after seeing where his head had been lying through the night, it made all the aches and pains simmer away.

George, with his head lolled back, had his lips slightly parted, and his cheeks were rouged from how warm the house had been kept against the chill from outside, and his curls were wild. Alec might have watched him forever if George did not begin to stir about ten minutes later. It was a nice ten minutes, however.

He woke slowly and Alec was greatly sympathetic to his pain. Sitting back, he let George wake in his own time, almost wishing his head was still on his very comfortable shoulder.

“Fuck me,” George groaned, rubbing his eyes gently.

Alec smiled at him but even that, somehow, made his head hurt.

“I need some greasy food,” George said. “Right now.”

“I don’t have any,” Alec said, scanning the room and glad to see no one else was about. It was an absolute state with red cups and Halloween decorations lying everywhere. For some reason, there was a cobweb sat in Alec’s lap and he threw it away for fear it might be real, but that was ridiculous and he hoped George did not see it. Thankfully, he had closed his eyes again and Alec let his cheeks cool.

They recovered for another few minutes before George decided he was quite done and he stood. Alec followed him and, as George decided they were going to Alec’s building to recover, they made the slow retreat back, getting odd looks as they were in their costumes but neither caring because their heads were throbbing and the outside world was unkind to them.

Inside, Alec went to their communal kitchen and started cooking the greasiest foods he had, George making them coffee and knowing where everything was because he had been over so many times. They took the food, once Alec had done all the cooking and George had tried not to fall asleep with the boiling coffee in his hands, back to Alec’s room, the both of them sitting on Alec’s bed, still in their costumes from the night before and not caring to remove them.

There was a pause once they finished eating, feeling better though not cured, and then they both took their plates out to wash them. As it was Saturday morning, every single person who shared Alec’s communal kitchen was asleep, so they washed as quietly as they could, Alec washing and George drying up.

George had been taking a particularly long time putting things away as Alec wiped down the sink, and Alec realised why only after George had come up behind him and pressed his lips to Alec’s neck. Alec had jumped at the sudden contact but, after adjusting to what was happening, he pressed back into George and took comfort from the weight of George’s body behind him.

George kissed into Alec’s neck again, wrapping his arms around Alec’s waist. It was a public place, but they had it all to themselves. He felt the muscles in his biceps holding him and it was safe and warm and inviting.

The breath on his skin was invigorating and Alec let the slightest of hums escape his throat.

“I’ve been wanting to do that since day one,” George said, pressing an opened mouth kiss to Alec’s neck, leaving a wet spot that had a shiver running down his spine he could not restrain no matter what.

“Why didn’t you?” Alec asked, hearing the want in his voice.

He felt George’s smirk and it almost sent another shiver down Alec’s spine.

Turning around, he put one hand in George’s gorgeous curls and the other he wrapped around his gorgeous, broad shoulders. George was all desire and want, and Alec felt it crawling through his system, replacing his hangover completely.

It was public, but it was theirs, and Alec felt no hesitation when he kissed George on the lips. Their kiss was wet and long, and it held weeks of restraint within it.

George practically dragged Alec towards his bedroom still connected by the lips. They were frantic in undressing each other, ridding each other of their day-old costumes until they stood bare before each other. George’s tanned skin was gorgeous all over his body and Alec wanted every inch of it in his mouth, between his lips, between his teeth.

Alec sucked bruises into George’s chest and thighs, George sucked bruises into Alec’s neck once he figured just how sensitive those spots were for him. George spared no second thought when Alec offered him the oil he had beneath things in his drawer, and then he filled Alec whilst sucking and biting at Alec’s neck. They were messy and hurried and desperate, but it was amazing and Alec could not control his orgasm when it consumed him. It was so beautiful to Alec when George came inside him, filling him as he sucked his harshest bruise onto his shoulder.

“Is that why you got a single room?” George asked when they had cleaned themselves and dressed in loose clothing. Alec leant some to George, and it was a wonderful feeling seeing him standing in his clothes.

Alec laughed but answered honestly. “I wanted one because I’ve shared my home for so many years, I wanted something more private.”

George nodded.

“But it could also be for this,” Alec said, smiling as he kissed George. George smiling into his lips was a perfect feeling.

George stayed for the remainder of the day, sitting with Alec on his bed and reading or talking. George should have been out training or doing something, but his hangover and subsequent fucking stopped that in its tracks. Instead, they spent their time when they were not doing work of any kind, lying on each other with their lips locked.

When it came to evening, they ordered Chinese and ate from the boxes, talking as Alec attempted to teach George how to use chopsticks and then giving up and just feeding him instead. George’s dimples came out in earnest and Alec would have stayed there to watch them emerge each and every time he smiled. He was gorgeous and he had spent his afternoon kissing and making love to Alec, and it was pretty darn perfect.

As it got late, Alec was glad to see George was going to stay the night. Alec leant him a pair of his spare pyjama pants and no shirt, which George only realised after he had changed. Alec sent him a smug smile as he climbed into his bed. It might be a little tight for two people, but if they cuddled, they could manage.

He had no qualms about being held so closely by George, particularly when he was half-naked and there was so much of George’s tanned body being pressed against him. His biceps were incredible around him and the lazy, sleepy kisses they shared before they slipped off to sleep were beautiful and warm. Alec felt George’s warm smiles in his skin before sleep claimed him.

George practically lived with him for the next month. Every moment neither of them were doing schoolwork or George wasn’t at practice or neither of them were socialising with the other people in their lives or Alec wasn’t cheering George on at his games, they were at Alec’s dorm. George did not spend a single night in his own room during the month of November, and Alec could see it happening during December as well. There were no complaints from him and there never would be.

One morning in December, fresh snow falling to cover the multiple inches they already had, Alec awoke with George’s head on his chest, their warm, bare bodies touching in every possible place. The previous day, he had gotten letters from both Zach and Magnus, and Alec had read them with George in the room.

When Alec had smiled at some joke Zach had made about his mother’s response to the queer characters in his book, George had, politely, enquired about who he was writing to. Part of Alec hadn’t wanted to tell George because these two men had been such big parts of his life and George could very well be another significant member, and he didn’t want to concern him by telling him he was still talking to previous lovers.

However, when Alec had told George about them, he hadn’t seemed fazed at all. He had nodded, smiling at how obviously impacted Alec had been by them both. There was no judgement, no panic, and Alec had kissed him just for that.

Alec kissed into George’s curls and felt warm when George stirred instantly. His sleepy smile, perfectly framed by his dimples, made Alec melt.

“Good morning,” George greeted, resting his chin on Alec’s chest and stretching his neck side to side.

“Good morning,” Alec replied, watching George’s wild curls and in love with every which way they were sent when he had been sleeping. He had spent a couple of nights running his hands through those curls, letting them slip through his fingers and adoring every second of it. “It’s snowing again.”

“Surprise, surprise,” George joked. “I should have gone to LA. Why’d I come to Vermont?”

Alec laughed. “Maybe you should take a trip there before you go home for Christmas.”

“I’m not going home for Christmas,” George said, casually.

Alec stared at him, George seeming unfazed as he sat up, the sheets falling around him and unveiling more of his tanned skin that Alec wanted to taste on his tongue all over again. Alec stared at him for a multitude of reasons then, and not all of it was down to his confusion at George not going back to Scotland for Christmas.

For the first time in forever, Alec was not going to Italy for Christmas because his mother was doing some refurbishments. It had something to do with sorting out the bad floorboards and adjusting the hinges on some doors. It was a bunch of little things, and Maryse thought it would be best done over Christmas where Bridget would be out of the villa and where her children could stay elsewhere.

“You’re not going to Scotland?” Alec asked. “Why not?”

“Too expensive,” George said. “I could afford to fly home, but not back. I don’t want that risk. The weather’s no good there either.”

“It’s better here?”

“We’re badly equipped there.”

Alec laughed again, but an idea had popped into his head and he wanted to act on it. “Were you going to stay here?”

“Aye.”

“Come to mine,” Alec said.

“Really?”

“Sure,” Alec said, watching as George lay back down on Alec’s body, pressing his lips once to Alec’s chest before looking up at him again. “We’re in Tennessee this Christmas, Izzy says it’s nice.”

“Your sister?”

Alec nodded.

“I’d meet your sister?”

Alec laughed again. “If I was bringing you home, you’d meet everyone except my mother.”

George considered if for a moment. “You’d want me there?”

“Yes. I’d really like it if you were there.”

“It would be okay with your dad?”

“I’ll call him now,” Alec said, reaching over and dialling his father’s home in Tennessee. It took him a few seconds to remember which number was theirs now but he got there eventually.

It rang a few times before his sister’s voice answered the line. “Hello?”

“Hey, Izzy,” Alec greeted, almost faltering when George started kissing his neck but somehow steadying his breath to appear normal over the phone. “Is dad there?”

No part of Alec wanted to talk to his father with George sucking on his neck, but he needed to talk to him and he would just have to ignore George’s breath on his skin and his tongue pressing over his sensitive spots.

“No, he’s out,” Izzy replied. “What’s going on?”

“Oh, I just wanted to ask him if it was okay to bring a friend over for Christmas,” Alec said, ignoring the smirk he felt pressed against his skin.

“A friend?” Izzy repeated. She paused and Alec could hear her smiling down the phone. “Is this a _boy_ friend?”

“Maybe.”

“Angel above, you move quickly.”

Alec snorted.

“What’s he like?” Izzy asked.

“He’s Scottish,” Alec said, slowly, watching with hooded eyes as George sat up, waiting patiently for Alec to describe him. His slow smirk was one of the sexiest things Alec had ever had the pleasure of witnessing. “He has the most amazing dimples in the world and I love them.” George’s smirk turned to a smile that revealed his dimples unto the world and Alec could have died and parted with the world to be gifted to the Angel and feel his aims in life might be complete. “He plays hockey and goes horse-riding, and he’s very handsome and I like him a lot.”

“It does not take long for you to get smitten,” Izzy said, but he heard the affection in her tone. “I’ll let dad know.”

“Thank you. See you soon.”

“See you.”

He hung up and watched George smile. Their lazy love-making that followed was filled with many things, and adoration was one of them.

Once classes halted, the two of them were on the first flight out of Vermont and into the first car that would take them to his father’s house for the year. Alec had actually only been there once after coming from Italy after the summer, and it was only for a day before he went over to Middlebury, and his room wasn’t really his room, but it would be nice to see his family again for the holidays.

At the door, Alec knocked and was greeted by his little brother who stared mostly at George.

“Hey, Max,” Alec greeted.

“Hi,” Max replied, eyeing George for a while before he looked at his brother and smiled. “Dad’s gone out again, but he set up a cot in your room for George.”

“Thank you,” Alec said, surprised but glad at the news. They wheeled their suitcases inside and hauled them upstairs. Alec offered to take the cot, but George said neither of them would be sleeping on it, which Alec shoved him for, but then he kissed him and Alec would have pushed him on the bed right there if he did not have to introduce him to his family.

Max was waiting at the bottom of the stairs for the two of them and George shook Max’s hand. Seeming to appreciate the adult treatment, Max smiled and led them through the house to find Izzy, who was on the phone, presumably, to Simon. Izzy was taking the year out to work and spend time with her boyfriend who was in New York for a few weeks before Izzy joined him. She, too, was spending the holidays here whilst Simon spent his with his own family. She was taking it very well and Alec was envious for only a second before he remembered he had a gorgeous boyfriend behind him and their time together was wonderfully spent.

When his sister spotted them both in the room, she smiled and waved, bidding a quick goodbye to Simon before she stood and bounced over to the others.

“Hello,” Izzy greeted. “I’m the wonderful sister I’m sure Alec talks about non-stop.”

George laughed and shook her hand as well. “All the time. Never shuts up.”

“I’m sure,” Izzy said, shaking her head mockingly at her brother. “You’re the very interesting Scotsman my brother adores?”

“Adores, huh?” George asked, sending Alec a look that Alec rolled his eyes at.

“None of this talk around dad, please,” Alec begged, sinking into the chair beside him.

“So, to your father, I’m just your dearest friend?” George asked, perhaps for clarification, perhaps to joke. Alec rolled his eyes either way. “I’ll take that as a yes.”

Thankfully, despite their joking, George behaved only as a friend when Robert arrived. Alec introduced them and George gave his father a firm handshake, and they started talking about sports and teams, the others admiring from afar because they did not really care for that talk.

All through their Christmas break, George behaved as Alec’s dearest friend and then fucked him at night. He probably was the former, really, because Alec adored him in every way, and as a friend was a part of that. He also adored the way George made love to him, particularly the quiet way they managed it with Alec’s family in the rooms next door.

On Christmas Day, George gifted him an archery bow, and Alec would have kissed him if his father was not in the room. He would just have to remember to tonight, to thank him for remembering the smallest of things. Alec had given George a hockey jersey which he knew George had wanted, and George had put it on straight away. They would be kissing a lot tonight, Alec was certain of it.

They drank and chatted and ate far too much food, and Alec thought it so wonderful to have his boyfriend over for Christmas. Maybe his father didn’t know George was his boyfriend, but it was such a nice feeling. He wondered if George would be here for next Christmas, maybe the one after. Maybe this would become a routine, maybe George would be integrated as part of the family, come to Italy with him, meet his mother. Maybe his dad would know George as his boyfriend one day. Alec would love that. This little slice they had now made Alec want that. For the first time, he saw this as being something that could last, as something that might have a future, and it felt foolish, but George was nice and he liked him.

For the rest of their winter break when Robert was working in his office, George and Alec held hands in the front room and joked with Izzy, helping Max with his homework. He liked to be helped by George, and Alec watched as George took Max’s pencil and helped him work out his equations. It was domestic. Alec found his was fond of domestic.

Magnus would have called him over the winter, but he did not this time as he was spending it in the States. Magnus never called him in the States and, as he had so many calls last year spending it in Italy, it was a large chunk of his life that was missing. Alec told George just that and George kissed him and kissed him until they fell asleep holding each other and Magnus was not consuming his entire mind, just a small part of it.

When they said goodbye and were back on the plane to Vermont, Alec wondered what it would be like to do this year after year. Maybe they would go to Italy next winter, Alec was not sure, but he was excited for what came next for them.

The two of them only got closer as their year together continued. Christmas had been wonderful and his family had gotten on with him so well, and then Alec was going to every one of George’s games and supporting him and then George was helping him study. Alec fell in love with him and he told George at every opportunity. He would have kissed him every time George scored, but the world wasn’t ready for that yet and, whilst it was a shame, they made up for it when they returned to Alec’s room.

Alec was considering getting a room with George next year but, when he brought it up with him one morning after George had spent the night and was doing homework at Alec’s desk, George’s face dropped.

“What?” Alec asked, heart sinking.

“I, uh…” George sighed, sinking into his chair and running a hand through his wild curls. “I can’t come back next year.”

“What?” Alec repeated, muted in his shock. “Why?”

“I have to go back to Scotland,” George said, eyes dejected. “My funds are being used up so quickly here, and my family were trying to help, but there’s issues on the farm, and I just don’t think I can continue. Well, I’m hoping to postpone it for a couple of years to work up some money.”

“You can’t… There’s no way to…” Alec sighed a shaky breath, wondering if he was doomed in every relationship he ever managed. He wasn’t even sure why he bothered, if he was quite honest. “They can’t help you with money? The college can’t?”

“They can, aye, they can,” George said. “But it’s the farm I’m worried about. It’s, you know, all my family has and I can’t let them suffer.”

Alec nodded, understanding but still breaking under the words.

“I’m so sorry, Alec,” George said, crawling across the bed and sitting at the foot, taking Alec’s hands and squeezing them. “I really wish it wasn’t the case, but…”

“Me, too,” Alec said, sending the weakest of smiles George’s way. Every time his heart filled a little, it was broken again. Alec felt cursed, and he didn’t know why he let himself get attached.

“I would suggest we, you know, continue over the phone and through letters, but…” George said.

“I get it,” Alec said. “They’re hard to make work.”

George tutted and bowed his head. “I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t be.” Alec had mustered up his happiness to help through the endings of his other relationships, he would just have to do it again. “We’ve still got a couple of months.”

“Aye, we do.”

Alec squeezed his hands to bring George’s attention up to his eyes. “We’ll forget about it for now, yeah? We forget about it, we kiss, we make up, and we think about Scotland and next year in a couple of months, yeah?”

George nodded, and that was that. Alec was used to this heartache, he could get through it again.

They made the most of their months together, Alec going to each of George’s games and celebrating during the night after they had drunk and made merry, and they had both helped the other study. They made love more times than Alec could count and they held each other close as they went to sleep.

In his letters to Magnus, he asked why he was doomed every time he fell for someone. It filled him with so much ache and took away so much of his heart. He had had fantastic times and fantastic memories, but they all ended because time decided Alec could not have what he wanted. Perhaps he was being greedy, but he could not help feeling so much loss after being full for so long.

The next letter he received from Magnus concluded with:

_Darling, I fear you fall for men who are living such full lives and your wonderfully exciting life cannot mesh with it. I’m sure George would much rather spend the next few years of his life with you, but the world is cruel, and I think you have experienced much of that._

_Allow me to tell you, from experience, none of the men you fall for want to leave your side. You are such an enchanting presence and you draw everyone to your light. I know it is painful, but do not think your life doomed._

_Somehow, sometime, you will find someone who will not have to leave you, and they will make you so happy you will forget the aches in your heart._

_Make the most of George, Alexander, because few will get to experience how wonderfully you love._

_Magnus x._

It had helped, but it did not cure his aches when it was time for George to leave.

Alec hugged him so tight at the airport he was sure people were watching, but he did not care. If he could not kiss him, he would settle for this. George promised to write, but Alec told him to focus on his farm, and he kissed his cheek before George left his life.

They exchanged a few letters and a few phone calls over the years, but it could not last with George’s hectic life and Alec destined for things that would keep the two apart. Alec wanted to visit him in Scotland but, by the time he had thought to make preparations a few years down the line, George was going back to Middlebury to finish off his college life. Then George was playing hockey professionally, and Alec watched him on television, supporting him and sending him love through the screen.

It became to difficult to send him letters and call him when George was playing for the Olympics, but he hoped George thought of him when he was famous and doing what he loved, because Alec often thought about George and his beautiful dimples and how wonderful he had made his first year of college.


	40. Eric

After Magnus, there was Eric.

A couple days after George had left for Scotland, Alec had gone to Italy to spend his summer there, as ever. He had not spent the Easter there because George had games to attend and Alec had wanted to spend every second with him even before he knew their relationship was over. The time away from Italy had made him ache for his villa, particularly after he had not seen it since it had been refurbished, and he could not explain his elation when he landed in his Italy.

They didn’t have guests this year because his mother had been too busy with the house to consider who they should take over the summer, and Alec was a touch disappointed. He was hoping for a wild summer fling to get over his constant heartache, and that wasn’t to be the case.

His father was also not coming for the summer this year, and Alec got the feeling this was the tip of the iceberg as to the complex issues between his mother and father. He was sure it wasn’t the most stable relationship, especially with how they lived in different countries for ten months of the year, but thinking about it was difficult and he was already in pain from losing George. He didn’t want to think about anything else that might be painful this summer.

As he entered the villa, he took in the differences, though they were subtle and nothing major had changed. It was cleaner and sturdier, things had been repainted and repaired. There were less creaks and the doors would not shut on their own anymore. The windows had been replaced, the chipped wood stood no longer, it was an old home repaired.

Ultimately, Alec was glad not much had changed because he liked the nostalgia of his room, of Magnus’ room. The bathroom connecting them had been cleaned and updated, but it was the same. It was all the same, and Alec couldn’t lie about the relief he felt for he would have felt awful if he returned to his home and it was not the place he knew. There had been talk of making the bathroom into two smaller ones, cutting off the connection between the two rooms, and Alec had almost yelled down the phone at his mother when she had suggested it. Alec would have rather died than return to a villa where he could not see into Magnus’ room from his own.

A week into his summer, his sister finally joined them. She had been waiting for Simon to finish something before they came over together, and they arrived with a gaggle of Simon’s friends who Alec had met before but did not remember. They were all classically handsome, Alec supposed, and he watched them approach the pool where Alec was lounging after they had dropped their things into the villa.

Alec smiled at Izzy, noticing Jace and Clary had joined them as well. There was a lot of envy that consumed him then as he saw the two couples that had formed a few summers ago still going strong, and his own had crumbled beneath the pressure of time. He tried to ignore it, but, every time he looked at his sister or he glanced at Jace, he felt it well up inside him and it was tough to bite back.

They sat down with him at the pool where Simon introduced his friends as Eric, Kirk, Matt, and Jordan. Alec nodded and smiled at them, not sure if he wanted to be in company with people after he had seen the successful couples together again.

There was talk of college, of plans, of some band they were involved in, Alec never having been interested in bands but asking questions and listening politely for that was how he was raised. They were very confident boys, and Alec liked listening to confident people talk. It was always interesting and invigorating, and, whilst not his subject, it was still pleasant to listen to.

Jace and Clary disappeared shortly after they had arrived, wanting to see people they knew, and Alec envied them as they walked away, holding hands. Another hour or so later, Matt, Kirk, Jordan, and Eric got up to go and explore, asking for tips and where to go, and then they left. As Eric was sat closest to Alec, Alec watched him leave, watching the water run down his pale back before he pulled a shirt on and the blue of his shirt stuck to his skin, dark in patches.

Alec watched him as he walked into the distance, watching into the space he had disappeared into even after he had gone.

“He likes boys,” Simon announced, and Alec, ever so slowly, turned to look at him, eyes thin.

“Why would I care that he likes boys, Simon?” He glanced at his sister as well, and she winced.

“I slipped up that you were sad about George, and then I explained it,” Izzy said. “I’m sorry, I should have thought about it before I said it, but I said it anyway. Simon doesn’t care, though, if that means anything.”

Alec would have much rather told Simon of his own volition, but it was out now. It was probably better his sister had told him, in a way, because he would not have that conversation with Simon in a million years, but it was dealt with and they could move on.

And now there was a guy around Alec might have a noncommittal fling with. It was a bonus, Alec supposed, if he could get to Eric before he left in a couple of weeks. It was another time-stamped romance, but Alec was far too used to those for them to be a problem anymore. Eric might not even like him but, if he did, it could be an exciting, lustful romance, and Alec was more than ready for that.

The boys returned for dinner, Alec finding himself sat next to Eric and trying to find something they might have in common. If he was honest, there wasn’t much; they were different people who had different attitudes to life, but if there was a base attraction, it would be enough. Alec wasn’t looking for love. He wasn’t looking for anything.

He wasn’t entirely sure if there was any base attraction until that night; they had been sharing a drink downstairs with Maryse and Bridget tending to something in the kitchen and Alec had retreated upstairs slightly tipsy, Eric following him up. Alec hadn’t thought twice about it as they came up the stairs together, both a touch tipsy from their drinking they were both allowed to do in Italy that they couldn’t back in the States.

Before Alec made his way to his room, Eric had slipped a hand on the small of Alec’s back and kissed his cheek goodnight. It had been the smallest of gestures and they did both have alcohol in their system, but it was enough to trigger Alec’s interest in him.

Despite being a couple of years younger than Alec, he had a lot of confidence in what he wanted and he did not hesitate in showing Alec he wanted him.

The very next morning, he knocked on Alec’s door and walked in without waiting a beat. Alec felt lucky he was not caught underneath his sheets doing things he would not want to be caught doing. Eric greeted him good morning and then leant on the doorframe, waiting for Alec to wake properly. He hadn’t drunk enough to have any sort of hangover, but he would have liked to have a minute or two longer to wake on his own.

However, a handsome man standing in his room and watching him was not an awful way to wake. Alec sat up and rubbed his face, enjoying the look Eric sent him as he observed Alec’s shirtless body.

“Simon said something about the beach,” Eric said. “He said it’s quite quiet usually.”

Alec looked at him, running a hand through his hair as he tried to wake himself up. “Usually, yeah. You want to go down there today?”

Eric shrugged. “Depends on what the others are doing.”

“What are they doing?”

“Simon mentioned taking them into town, seeing the café Clary worked at sometimes.”

“We can go to the beach another time,” Alec said, swinging his legs over the bed and watching Eric with his arms crossed. “You’re here for two weeks, I suppose.”

“No,” Eric said, confusing Alec immensely. “You and I can go to the beach today. Together.”

Eric left without another word, Alec watching into the space he had disappeared from.

It was slightly baffling, but Alec got ready anyway, going downstairs and finding they had decided to go to the café without Eric, though Alec didn’t know what his excuse was. It was a lot easier for Alec to say he wouldn’t come with them, and no one seemed to bat an eyelid that Alec and Eric would be remaining at the villa alone since Bridget and Maryse were out buying groceries, which Alec was secretly glad for as he thought he knew what was coming for him.

The phone rang then and Alec did not hesitate in leaving the breakfast table to answer it. He felt Eric’s eyes on him but, if it was who he hoped it was, he could not think about Eric for the moment.

“Pronto?” Alec answered for he had been away from this phone for too long to answer in English.

“Alexander?” Magnus’ voice asked from the other end.

“Hi,” Alec replied, sitting down for Magnus’ voice always made his knees weak. “How are you?”

“I’m very well,” Magnus said.

“You’re not moving again, are you?” Alec asked, smiling.

“Not this time,” Magnus said, Alec hearing him laugh. “I just wanted to check in on you. What’s it like without guests?”

“Boring,” Alec said.

“No one interesting to look at?”

Alec laughed. “Simon brought some of his friends up for a couple of weeks, so…”

“Ah.” Magnus laughed through his nose. “And how are you holding up, without George?”

“Oh, it sucks.” Alec remembered his dimples then and was filled with a sad sort of happiness he could not explain. “I miss him. He called last week. He says Scotland is always raining.”

“Is it?”

“Yeah. He says he prefers Vermont’s rain.”

“And there’s no chance to go visit him?”

“Maybe,” Alec said, listening out for his sister and the others who had, apparently, started clearing up the table. “But I don’t want to intrude and he says it’s a little hectic up there, so… Maybe, one day.”

“I’m sure he would like to see you one day.”

Alec swallowed as he felt what that meant to them both.

They started to come through the villa and Alec caught Eric’s eye the second he walked through. Eric stared at him through hooded eyes and disappeared around the corner again.

Perhaps the silence on the phone had been telling, for Magnus asked, “Do you have to go?”

“Not yet,” Alec said. “I can still talk.”

They spoke until Magnus had somewhere else to be, and Alec felt the click and dead air in his heart.

When the others left for town, Alec headed up to his bedroom to change for the beach, grabbing a towel as he went. He started when he saw Eric standing in his doorway after he had come out from the bathroom.

“Ready for the beach?” Alec asked considering Eric hadn’t changed.

Eric shook his head. “Let’s not go to the beach now.”

Pausing for only a second, Alec asked, “Okay, what do you want to do instead?”

“Let’s fuck.”

Alec snorted, though Eric was serious. “You don’t believe in subtlety, do you?”

Eric shrugged and stepped into the room, shutting the door behind him. Alec just stood and watched as Eric came towards him. He didn’t know what exactly was coming, but he felt no qualms when Eric fisted his hands in Alec’s hair and crashed their mouths together. Alec knew Eric would not be gentle, and he did not want it gentle.

Clothes were ripped off each other, a messy trail following them towards the bed, fingers so harsh they would leave bruises. Tongues and teeth clashed in their desperation and their bodies rutted before they were even naked, hungry and lustful. Alec could feel the bruises forming as Eric bit into his shoulder, fucking into him after coating his cock in the oil Alec had grabbed from the drawer beside his bed.

It was messy and desperate and Alec was sure he would be sore and bruised tomorrow, but it was so intense in the moment and Alec felt his aches from George seeping away faster and faster. Their skin stuck from how hot the day was, but they did not care as it only added to how desperate they grew.

Their climaxes were messy, but there was so much euphoria in the moment that Alec would have done it all over again in a heartbeat. Even if he was a sweaty mess covered in both his and Eric’s come, it was worth it.

There was little romance as they cleaned themselves and got ready for the rest of the day since there was still so much of it left. But Alec wasn’t looking for romance and he was sure he would not find it with Eric.

In his next letter to Magnus, he mentioned seeing Jace again, seeing how happy the couples were together. He hoped Magnus knew he was thinking about their summer together, about how often he wished for it, he hoped he had made that clear. He also mentioned Eric, not in too much detail because he didn’t want Magnus to think he was falling for him like some of the others, but he wanted to let Magnus know what was going on in his life, and Eric was a part of that.

That evening, Alec and Eric fucked again, but Eric did not stay the night. Alec did not expect him to and was almost relieved when Eric kissed him and then left. It was going to be a heated and intense couple of weeks, and Alec was looking forward to them.

One morning, after a particularly intense session where Eric made him come twice, Alec had gone to the bakery to get some fresh bread, and he had bumped into Jace. They hadn’t said much to each other though Alec no longer felt the animosity towards him he had a couple of years back. Alec was just envious of him, he supposed, for how well he and Clary were getting along because of how distant he and Magnus still were. They might exchange letters all the time, but it wasn’t the same as seeing his beautiful face in person.

Their greeting was a touch awkward, but Alec still smiled and stopped. He was raised to be polite and he knew how to be accommodating of another person.

“Eric seems to be enjoying your company,” Jace said, perhaps an attempt at humour, perhaps to begin another conversation, Alec wasn’t sure.

“I didn’t think he’d say anything,” Alec said, shrugging, unbothered.

“He hasn’t, really,” Jace said, and they started walking back to the villa together, enjoying the cool breeze. “But he always follows you upstairs at night and I’ve heard him leave your room sometimes, so…”

Alec didn’t bother answering for he wasn’t sure what kind of response that warranted. He didn’t think Jace would say anything to get a rise out of Alec, but he also wouldn’t put it passed him either. They hadn’t seen each other in a long while and Alec didn’t know him well enough.

“How is everyone?” Alec asked. “Jem, Will, Tessa, Magnus, I mean. Are they okay?”

Jace nodded, an almost knowing smirk on his lips Alec didn’t care for, so he ignored it as well. “They’re fine. I think they’d want to come back, but the timing doesn’t suit them now.”

Alec wanted to ask about Magnus specifically, and he wanted to know about his marriage and Etta since he never wrote about those things in the letters or spoke about them on the phone. He wanted to know, from someone who had seen him, what Magnus was living like and how he was. Whilst he didn’t think Magnus would lie in his letters, it was a lot easier to extend the truth. When Magnus said he was fine and that things were going well, Alec didn’t know if that was the entire truth or not.

But he didn’t know how to ask. Jace had known about their relationship and he knew Alec liked men, but it was difficult to form the words. No matter how desperate he was to know about Magnus, getting the words out of his mouth did not work.

Jace wasn’t actually going back to the villa but to see Clary who was visiting some friends elsewhere. Before they parted, Alec mustered up the courage to ask Jace just something, anything really. It wasn’t much, but it was something.

“Jace,” Alec began, prepping himself despite how it felt. “Is he happy?”

He hoped it was obvious enough, he hoped Jace understood who he was asking about. He also hoped Jace knew what he meant because he wasn’t sure he could be any more specific if he tried. It hurt his heart to even refer to him, and it had to be enough.

Jace didn’t even have to think about what he was asking or who he was asking after before he answered. It was with a smile, and Alec did not understand it. “No.”

Jace laughed through his nose, though Alec did not know at what, and then he turned around and left. Alec stared after him, hoping to get an answer from the space Jace had been in, but nothing came.

Nothing came as he walked back to the villa and nothing came as he stared at the latest letter from Magnus. He had already sent his reply, but he had so much more he wanted to write in it now. Well, he knew he wouldn’t say anything really for he couldn’t outright ask why he wasn’t happy when he had said he was and he couldn’t reference his conversation with Jace easily either. There was so much he wanted to say and ask, and he knew he never would.

The remaining days with Eric were filled with sex and lust. They had sex almost twice a day; once during the morning or afternoon, and once at night. It got rid of all his frustrations over George and satisfied his body to no end. It was exhausting and rigorous, but it was equally satisfying and Alec would look forward to their next time each time it ended.

They never really spoke much. Alec didn’t moan his name like he had moaned the others’ but that might have been because his mouth was either occupied with Eric’s mouth or his shoulder he was biting into. Either way, there wasn’t much romance between them, no intimate or revealing conversations. It was lustful and exciting, but it was not going to reveal anything more that Alec did not know about himself already.

There were no tearful goodbyes when Eric left. Eric, Kirk, Matt, and Jordan were leaving first, Izzy and Simon travelling to France in a couple of days, and Alec hugged them all, lingering a touch for Eric, but doing no more. The kisses on each cheek meant very little. It had been entertaining and it had been good for him, but Alec did not feel such heartache when he watched Eric leave. Alec gave a piece of his heart to everyone who shared a significant part of his life, and Eric’s piece was only small. Eric still got a piece, as everyone did, but it was nowhere near as large as George’s or Zach’s. No one’s would ever be as big as Magnus’ and Alec was surer about that than he was about anything else in his life.

As expected, they did not speak again. Alec didn’t ever see him again either for Simon’s band broke up a little while later. It did not stop Simon from doing what he loved, but it meant he would not see Eric again, and Alec wasn’t overly heartbroken about that. His time with Eric had been fun, but it hadn’t brought him love or adoration. It had been lust, and Alec knew that was okay too.


	41. Diego

After Magnus, there was Diego.

Alec thrust himself into his studies and had little time for romance during his second year at college. He was trying his hardest to forget how everything reminded him of George and focus on his exams and what he needed to do to succeed. His goal to teach languages in Italian schools required Alec to ace his studies, and he didn’t want to be distracted by anyone or anything. The only breaks he wanted were when he went to Italy or when he went home when college ended for a few weeks.

It exhausted him and he knew he was pushing himself too far at times, but it made him appreciate his summers even more. As his exams came to an end and he knew how successful he would be after how much work he had put in, his heart called for the long break summer would give him in his Italy.

When he arrived, his car passed a group of people moving into a villa near his own. It was Zach’s, and Alec wondered who these new people were and if they deserved Zachariah’s villa. It had been empty for so long, Alec didn’t think it would ever house another person or another family again. So, whilst this was a pleasant surprise, Alec wondered who these people might be and if they could live up to Zach. Of course, they didn’t have to have the same relationship as he had had with Zach, but his friendship with him had been significant and he wondered if he might get that again.

Usually, the people who lived around this area were connected, they all knew each other and were friendly with each other. Sometimes, it took a while for newer people to get used to that, but they always did. Alec was sure he would have some sort of relationship with them, he just wasn’t sure what kind.

He greeted his mother and Bridget with a kiss on each cheek, Max doing the same though he would rather be back at home. He had made some good friends, apparently, this year, and he had wanted to spend his summer with them, but Robert was moving State yet again, so he wouldn’t be there for Max to go to. Again, Robert wasn’t coming over to Italy for the summer. Alec was not going to consider just how fragile this made his mother and father’s marriage, but he knew it could not be great if they never saw each other.

Izzy was only coming for the latter half of the summer, going to New York to support her boyfriend. Alec felt his family beginning to break apart, beginning to split into their own lives and he wasn’t sure how to feel about that. He was so close to his siblings, he wasn’t sure how it would feel when they were totally living their own lives and he made a note to make the most of them whilst they were still around.

They had a couple of guests this summer, but they were paying their way instead of helping out with chores, and Alec did not expect to see them much. Their first day there, they had had breakfast, thanked them, and then cycled away somewhere into town. Alec wasn’t expecting to have much of a relationship with them and wasn’t bothered when they came and went as they pleased.

The day after he had arrived, Maryse sent him to their neighbours with some homemade food. When Alec had done it at a younger age, he had hated it. But, now he was older, now he was twenty-one, it was something he was quite ready to do. He enjoyed meeting new people, and new neighbours were a very fine thing.

When he knocked on the door, he was greeted by three children covered in chocolate. Alec had smiled at them all and their gapped smiles. The youngest had to be a couple of years old and the other two, whilst older, were not much older and were still covered in chocolate Alec thought they were probably not supposed to be eating.

“Hello,” Alec greeted, smiling at each of them. “Do you have a parent in that I might talk to?”

“We don’t have parents,” the middle girl said, perhaps about eight, chubby and curious of Alec.

Unsure with what to do with that information, Alec continued, “Okay, perhaps there is an adult in the house I could talk to instead?”

“Maybe Diana,” the eldest girl said, staring Alec direct in the face.

“Is Diana in?” Alec asked, watching as the littlest boy sat down where he was and grabbed more chocolate out of his pocket to stuff in his face. Most of it got on his lips and cheeks, but at least he was trying.

“Yes,” the eldest girl said, turning and looking at another boy Alec had not seen before, hidden in the shadows, not making eye contact but watching, Alec presumed, his siblings. “Ty, get Diana.”

Ty nodded once and left. Alec stayed with the three children as they considered Alec and the food in his hands. Alec feared they might be disappointed there wasn’t much sugar in the food he was offering, but he decided to keep that to himself.

A woman came through then, tight-lipped and clearly stressed. There appeared to be a lot of children in the house and Alec saw even more as he waited, chasing after each other and squealing. Alec hadn’t been around children in a long while, and he wondered what it would be like this summer, to have so many of them so close. Maybe Max would make friends with them, that would be nice.

“Hello, I’m Diana,” she greeted, stepping between the children seamlessly. She had a lot of practice, Alec could tell.

“Alec,” he replied, shaking her hand and then holding the dishes with both because they were quite heavy. “My mum and our aide helped make this. To greet you.”

“That’s very kind, come in,” Diana said, stepping back and inviting Alec inside. “It’s very messy, forgive me. I have about a hundred children in here and there is only one of me.”

Alec laughed and stepped inside. He followed Diana through the villa, knowing the way since he had been here before with Zach but following Diana into the kitchen anyway. It was a bit of state, but Alec saw another couple of children as he walked through and he understood why there was so much mess.

As Alec remained, Diana explained she had taken the children out of California because of an accident at home, Alec guessing it having something to do with the parents these children didn’t have, and she was going to raise them in Italy instead. There were seven of them under the age of sixteen, two who were sixteen, two who were seventeen, two who were eighteen, and one who was nineteen. Diana also had a boyfriend named Gwyn who would be here sometimes but was not here for moving as he was finalising things back in the States. Alec heard all their names and forgot all of them as she named another. Not all of them were related, but they had been raised in the same house or something like that, Alec didn’t understand the logistics of it, but now they were all here and Alec had new neighbours. That was all he cared about.

He met some of them, the older ones mainly, and he tried to get their names to faces first. He could remember Cristina and Mark, and he remembered Kieran all right. Diego was the easiest to remember because he had a charming smile, but he got Aline and Helen’s names confused and instantly thought that would be a recurring theme.

He didn’t stay long but he had a great trouble recounting everything to his mother when she asked about their new neighbours. All he could manage was that there would be sixteen people living there at times and that he was sure it would be hectic. But it would be nice to have younger people living here now. Max perked up when he heard there were other children around and Alec made sure to take him with him next time so he could meet them.

The next time he went around a couple of days later, it was with another dish from Bridget, and Max was instantly stolen away by Kit, Ty, and Livvy, which he seemed more excited about than Alec thought he would be. Diana and Gwyn were dealing with something in the garden, so Alec gifted the food to Diego instead, remaining to talk with him as Max ventured with people his own age.

Diego was charming, Alec found, his Spanish accent pleasant to listen to. Alec learnt a little more about their complicated history and why they were connected to each other, though Alec thought it might be months before he truly understood all their nuances. Firstly, Alec was confused as to why there were only three Spaniards when the others were all American, but it never seemed a fitting time to ask because Diego was talking and Alec never wanted to interrupt his gorgeous accent and its flow.

Now, Diego was very pretty. In fact, Alec would even go as far as to say he was perfectly pretty. He had high cheekbones and gorgeously olive skin and the thickest, dark locks Alec could have run his hands through all day. It was a particularly strong fancy Alec felt himself feeling, and he could have gone on and on about his beauty all day if he had someone to talk about him to.

But he didn’t, and so he kept those things in his letters to Magnus. He didn’t go over in explicit details because Magnus didn’t deserve that, but he did tell him just how beautiful Diego was. It was hard not to. One mention of how long his eyelashes were and suddenly Alec had written an entire paragraph about how gorgeous he was. He hadn’t even intended to write so much, but he had because Diego pulled it from him, and he found himself pulled towards his neighbour often.

One morning, Diego asked Alec to show him some spaces in town, and Alec took him up on the offer perhaps a little too fast. They had only ever been able to meet and talk in a house full of children, and it wasn’t ideal. With some time alone, Alec wondered if things would be different.

Alec showed him the cafés, the best grocery stores and the couple he should avoid, he took him to the gelato shop and they shared a bowl before they moved on. Alec showed him the spots people jumped off into the ocean that were the safest, where the least injuries had occurred over the years. He showed him the busiest and quiets parts of the river, the weeping willow tree that gave everyone the most privacy. Then, in the cool of the afternoon, he found himself being kissed by Diego on the cool of the bank, hands in hair and underneath shirts.

Diego made love carefully, Alec found, testing everything before he did it. There was a caution to it, another aspect of him that made him appear desperately perfect. Alec was fully aware they should not do something as private as this in a space that could easily be found, but Diego pulled it from him and he found he could not bear to be clothed when Diego ran his hands across his stomach.

By some miracle, they were not found as they ceaselessly rutted against one another, and they cleaned in the river before making their way back to their respective villas. When Alec wrote about it in his letter to Magnus, he described wanting to be touched by lips that were perfect and held by hands that had no flaws. He wasn’t sure if it was lust or if it was something more, he hoped Magnus’ insight might help for Magnus did seem to know everything and Alec liked hearing what he believed.

Still, almost a year later, Alec had not asked Magnus if he was happy. Jace’s words were still ringing in his ears, they did so almost every day. He ran through every possibility as to why Magnus might not be happy; it could be his marriage, perhaps something to do with his work, perhaps something to do with his friends. It could be a thousand different things, but Alec did not know everything he needed to know, and it was so easy to lie over written words. Alec had never written a lie, and he didn’t think Magnus would lie, but it was so much easier to say things were fine when they weren’t.

And he did not ask and he never thought he would. Whenever Magnus called, he did not ask then either. He asked how he was, but not in the way he wanted to, and Magnus never answered anything other than that he was well. He wondered if Magnus might tell him anyway, but Alec did not think that to be the case either. Instead, he carried on as if Jace had never mentioned a dispute about his happiness, and he wrote about Diego’s eyes and his plans for his final year at college.

As Diego lived in another villa with so many others, he never stayed the entire night. He either left a little while after they were finished or he stayed for a few hours and crept into his own villa before anyone else awoke. It felt riskier, but Alec almost liked that. With George, with Zach, it had been so easy to be with them, to exist in a simple time with them. Alec liked the secretive part, not that the others had been particularly open and visible, but, with Diego, the secret part was interesting. Seeing him only when he could escape the hold of his family was different, riskier, and it was wholly enticing.

Of course, Diego often spoke about how his family would see no issue in his relationship with Alec, but Alec saw he never told them about him. Alec felt no qualms about it. He understood the complexities and the issues with family, and he felt no qualms about Diego finding him in the spare moments they had together, mostly in the evenings after dinner. It was more than enough.

“What do you plan to do when summer is over?” Alec asked, Diego’s head on his chest after some more experimental fucking on Diego’s part.

“I’m going to university in Spain,” Diego said. “It’ll be a big change, but I’m looking forward to it.”

“You’re going to Spain?”

Diego nodded, Alec feeling his thick locks moving across his bare chest. “I have some distant family there I might be able to stay with.”

“You don’t know for sure?”

“Waiting to hear back. It’s been over a decade since they last heard from me, I wouldn’t expect to hear back instantly. Whether they say yes or no, that’s still where I want to be.”

“Why?”

“I want to better myself,” Diego said, turning to rest his chin on Alec’s chest. Alec watched him, Diego’s eyes focused. “There’s so many of us, and Diana and Gwyn have been kind to all of them, me as well. I want a chance to be able to repay them, to help take care of them because home-schooling them is not going to be easy. Diana managed it in part in LA because of the parents’ help, but, now that it’s just her and Gwyn… I just want to help. Get a good job, and then help them.”

Alec nodded, understanding what he was saying but unable to find the words to accompany his understanding. Diego didn’t seem to need any words. Instead, he kissed Alec on the lips and stood, getting ready to go back to his family. There was an even deeper understanding then, Alec thought, as to how much family meant to these people. It meant much to Alec as well, of course, but there had always been a fracture in his own family, and there was a hint of envy, Alec felt, as he watched Diego walk home from his balcony, that their family was so whole where Alec’s was not. Much of Alec’s family was disjointed or wrong, and, whilst he loved them all the same, it did not resemble their neighbour’s family. Whilst they were not all connected by blood, they were strong and allied, a proper unit. Alec wondered what exactly that might be like considering his mother and father had not seen each other in over two years.

But he decided not to think about it, as ever. Truths were more easily ignored than faced when they were painful to the heart to consider. Alec ignored those truths and focused on Diego and their passion instead of his mother and father’s fractured love.

When Izzy finally arrived, she knew in an instant Alec and Diego made love in the quiet moments of the night. She did not say as much, but she knew. Alec wondered what made it so obvious, he wondered what made his subject of affection so clear, and he could only ask her when she and Simon were finally parted, Simon dragged off by Kit to show him the treehouse Gwyn was building for them in their garden.

“How do you always know?” Alec asked, sitting with her on the grass, absorbing the sun and ignoring the world as it turned around them.

“Know what?” Izzy asked, finally looking at Alec once Simon was out of view.

“How do you always know who I’m with or who I like or that I’m with someone at all?”

She shrugged. “You’re different when you’re in love. Or, maybe not always in love, but you’re different when you have someone to give your love in a romantic fashion.”

“Different?”

“You’re more you,” Izzy said, looking out to the world before her, Alec unable to look away from his sister as she spoke. “You seem healthier, in a way, happier. You’re more Alec Lightwood and less of a participant.”

Alec did not quite know how to respond. He could only stare and wonder at things far larger than his comprehension.

When she noticed he would not reply, she looked back to her brother and gave him a gentle smile. “You’re more comfortable in yourself. And it’s easy to see where that affection lies because of the way you look at whoever you’re with. First, I just have to see how you that you are, and then I have to see where you’re looking. It’s easier than you might think.”

“Because I’m so obvious?” Alec asked.

Izzy laughed through her nose. “I don’t think it’s that. I mean, you are terribly indiscreet, but it’s not that. I just know you. I know you very well, Alec.”

She could not say anymore because Diego returned with lemonade for them all and sat with them both. Alec whispered to him that she knew they were together, and Diego’s demeanour changed rather instantly. Alec wondered if that much changed in him when he felt accepted or felt that at ease, but he had little time to think about it before they were talking together as a group.

His last couple of weeks with Diego were spent as the first were, though Diego was getting more and more focused on his education and university, so they spent a little less time together kissing and a little more time planning. Alec didn’t mind helping him, however, because Diego would thank him with kisses on the cheek and the neck and touches on his thighs that would lead to heated moments where neither could breathe calmly. And then it was back to planning as if they had not pleasured each other moments before.

Alec spent a lot of time at the other villa when he could, learning about the family, intrigued in their relationships with each other. He liked to see the way Diego interacted with them, particularly with Kieran who he had an odd relationship with. He liked to see them, he liked to see what a family was like, how a family interacted and behaved when they were close and loved each other and showed that love. It was foreign to Alec, and he was intrigued.

He often asked Diego after they had been together how they had become so close, and Diego would tell him tales of his family, growing up with them all. Alec would listen, lapping up every detail until he almost fell asleep. Then Diego would kiss him and Alec would watch him leave from the balcony, entranced and wondering.

As ever, the goodbyes came, but Alec didn’t feel so much ache this time. Maybe he had made himself immune to goodbyes, maybe it was because he had had his fill of Diego and was satisfied they had done enough with each other. He would always take more if he could get it, but he knew he would not, and it was not a thing to cause Alec pain.

Diego was leaving before him, wanting to get settled in Spain for a few days before university began for him. Alec drove him to the train station where he would get the train to the airport, and they hugged before the train left. Alec would have kissed him if the world allowed it, but it did not, and he settled for a hug and kisses on the cheek. He watched Diego’s train leave the station and made his way back to the villa. He had a few more days before he left for Vermont again, and he was content in himself. Maybe he was used to goodbyes, maybe he had numbed himself to the ache of loss, he wasn’t entirely sure.

Although Diego’s family lived in the villa, Alec never saw him again. He had moved to Spain and remained there even after university had finished. Alec got word of him from his family and the others, hearing he sent money to them as often as possible and lived happily in the country he had been born in. Alec was happy for him and was glad a little piece of his heart had been gifted to perfect Diego.


	42. Mark

After Magnus, there was Mark.

With his degree, Alec was free to move to Italy. It had been so peculiar, Alec found, to take the things he had kept in his homes around the States and to bring them over to the villa where he would live. He might take trips over to America to visit his brother, his sister, and his father, but he would not live there anymore. He was going to take up a similar job to his mother, and Alec was excited about that prospect, albeit nervous.

Summer had yet to truly begin and Alec was figuring out how to start his career once the summer had finished. With his mother’s help, he was sure he would figure it out, but it wasn’t easy to commence his tutoring when summer was about to begin and children were free from the worries of school for the summer.

Izzy was coming for the last week of summer this year, and Alec wondered what it might be like without her for so long. Each year, she returned for less and less time, spending it with Simon, and Alec envied her easy way of being with the person she loved. As long as it made her happy, Alec was happy, but he wondered why she was allowed to be with the man she loved when Alec could not.

After he had moved everything into his room, readjusting the room so it would accommodate everything he needed, Alec had intended to figure out his career but the sun had come out and he saw some of his neighbours outside. He had looked out for Diego, but he did not see him. It was a shame, but Alec didn’t feel too much pain over it since they had left on good terms and since Diego was likely doing well wherever he might be.

He went over to greet them all and found most of them weren’t even in. Mark, who was in, as well as Kieran, Cristina, and Jaime, told Alec they had taken a trip to Rome to reward them for their studying. They had left the others in charge since they had wanted to stay, and that was that.

There was some chat between them, asking after each other and sharing stories from when they had last seen each other. It was the usual, and Alec found himself feeling freer than ever now he had no more school to attend, now he could live in Italy for the rest of his days. His life was his now, it was all his own decisions, his own actions, his own life. It was an odd freedom and Alec wanted it to consume him.

Mark asked him if he was going into town and, whilst Alec hadn’t been planning on it, Bridget and Maryse weren’t here for the summer yet and he supposed he could. They had no guests this year, though Alec wasn’t sure why. He had overhead a phone conversation between his mother and father, and she had mentioned something about stress, and Alec had left it at that. Whatever they were trying to work out, Alec was going to let them work it out without him listening in.

Mark and Alec left together, walking for it was such a pleasant day and Alec missed Italy whenever he was away. He could be here forever now, and Alec was almost intimidated by how wonderful that possibility was.

Some part of Mark was being quieter than usual. Whilst Alec had not known him perfectly well during his breaks over the last year of his college course, he had known him to be chatty. He said a lot of interesting things and he asked a lot of questions, and he was not quiet very often. Alec wondered if a few months could change a person like that or if he was waiting for something. Alec let him be quiet and bought the things he needed as he waited.

When Alec started to head back, done with his venture into town for today, Mark grabbed his wrist and suggested they take a more scenic route. Unsure why but curious all the same, Alec agreed and followed Mark in his more convoluted manner home.

The silence was a little strangling, but Alec let it sit. Whatever Mark needed off his chest, Alec would let him get there in his own time. Alec wasn’t entirely sure why Mark needed to talk to him in particular considering their relationship wasn’t that intricate and special, but whatever Mark needed, Alec was content to listen, even if he didn’t know Mark all that well.

They were walking passed a quiet spot by the river when Mark just stopped. He wasn’t sure if anything strange was happening or if this was just how Mark was.

“Diego told me about you and him last summer,” Mark said, the river beside them, quiet and abandoned.

“Okay?” Alec said, because he wasn’t sure why that might be important. Diego had every right to tell whoever he wanted, it was Diego who had wanted to keep it quieter than Alec. Sure, Alec didn’t like everyone to know he preferred boys to girls, but he was more comfortable with the idea than he had been when he had first come to realise that was the case, and, if Mark wasn’t going to stone him for it, Alec was okay to let him talk.

“He said you were there for him whenever,” Mark said, shifting and staring intensely at Alec. “That, if I might need you, you would be there.”

“Am I for rent?” Alec asked, jokingly.

Mark let a ghost of a smile appear on his lips before it was gone again. “I am confused about my feelings.”

“Feelings for…?”

“For…” Mark paused, eyes flicking away for a minute as he thought before he looked back just as intensely. “Not for girls.”

“Okay,” Alec said, shifting the bags in his hands to a more comfortable position. “Are you suggesting you want to use me as a means to figure out how you feel about men?”

“In a way.”

Alec laughed through his nose.

“I understand it may not seem an entirely fair proposition,” Mark said before Alec could respond. “But you’re handsome and I have a lot to give.”

Alec laughed through his nose again. “Mark, just because I’m a man doesn’t mean being with me will help you figure out if you like someone else.”

“I never said I liked someone else…”

Alec would have laughed through his nose once more if that would not possibly upset Mark. Alec understood why Mark might want something like that, but it did feel an awful lot like being used in a way Alec did not necessarily want. Sex was sex, Alec didn’t mind getting that, but Alec knew he got attached, and he didn’t want to get attached to someone if they were going to throw him away once they figured themselves out.

“But you do,” Alec said. “Perhaps you should figure that out. If we were going to be together, and you figured nothing out, that would only lead to disappointment.”

“So, you won’t-,” Mark began.

“You’re very handsome, Mark,” Alec interrupted. “And I very well would given it were on different terms, but I don’t like the idea of just being a means to figure out your sexuality.”

Mark paused. He looked behind him and then to the side of him, Alec unsure as to why he was checking how deserted this place was. Alec knew few people ever came to this section of the river because the banks were not easy to get into the river from, but maybe Mark didn’t since he had only been here for a year.

When he was satisfied, he stepped forward and took the bags from Alec’s hands. Alec was sure he should have resisted, but he hadn’t had someone this close to him for almost a year, and the heat from his body overwhelmed him for a moment. Mark put the bags onto the grass beside them and looked at Alec for any sign of hesitation and, confident he found none, removed his shirt.

It was a swift and easy motion, unveiling his lightly-tanned skin with light, blonde hair on his chest, down from his navel where it then hid beneath his belt. Alec studied him as swiftly as his eyes would let him, travelling back up to his heterochromia eyes.

Mark was correct in assuming a hint of want in Alec at being allowed to see his body unveiled to him. The spot was too out in the open for them to do anything explicit like he had done with Diego the first time they had made love, but it was enough for them to share a moment of intimacy which came when Mark took Alec’s hand and placed it on his chest.

“Mark-,” Alec began, though he did not remove his hand from Mark’s chest.

“See me tonight,” Mark demanded. “Meet me here.”

Alec smiled. “We don’t have to be that secretive about it-.”

“I do,” Mark said. “I share a room with Kieran. He sees everything.”

“Why would night be any easier then?”

“It just will be,” Mark said. “Will you see me tonight?”

Alec considered it for a moment but, upon feeling Mark’s heart beginning to beat, he found he could not say no. “Midnight?”

“That will do,” Mark said, smiling a satisfied smile and stepping back out of Alec’s reach to put his shirt back on.

They did not speak about it again until they saw each other again at midnight.

Even though Mark was younger than Alec, there was a strength to his body and his want Alec did not have. Mark knew what he wanted and he knew how to get it, and Alec let him have it as he wanted as they touched each other, bare skin on bare skin as their bodies made imprints in the grass.

Even though Alec knew Mark was trying to figure things out, Alec could not think about it as Mark filled him over and over. It was intense and passionate and Mark claimed Alec as his own, even if he wasn’t with Alec to make him his.

The grass was cool on Alec’s skin, but Mark’s body was such a heater, he could not think of that. He felt Mark’s blonde hair between his fingers and the desperation behind his lips. Mark was hungry in his passion, and he held Alec so tight, Alec could feel the bruises forming. He adored those bruises, and he had missed them.

Mark held his hand when they walked back to their villas, and Alec thought it was sweet. This would be nothing more than a short fling, one of them figuring out how they felt, the other getting gratification where he needed it. It wasn’t much more than that and Alec was prepared for that, but if Mark was sweet like this so often, then it would make it easier when Mark, inevitably, took a piece of his heart.

Every time there after they made love, be it on the bank of the river or in Alec’s bed, Alec asked him if he had figured it out yet. Mark either replied with a shrug, a smile, or by kissing Alec down into the bed again. Alec took that as a no and let Mark do as he pleased, for it certainly pleased Alec as well.

Alec was used to the certain end of his relationship, he was used to knowing the date or the timeframe they had together. With Mark, there was an uncertainty to when it might end because it was all in Mark’s hands. Alec was used to, subconsciously, counting down the seconds, the minutes, the hours, the days, the weeks he had left with the subject of his desire. It was a part of his life he had gotten used to, and the uncertainty of when it was going to end whilst knowing it certainly _was_ going to end added another aspect to their relationship entirely.

But Mark made up for any of that uncertainty in the way he made love for it was with everything he had. Every time, he gave it everything, he would not go by without pleasuring Alec to his fullest ability, and he gave himself over each time. It was intense and complete with desire, and Alec was almost glad Mark had asked him to help him figure himself out.

Mark was very sweet, Alec realised that much. Last year, Alec had spent a lot of time in their villa, watching Diego and the others, but he did not do that so much with Mark. Mark met Alec where they could be alone and, where his family were was very much not alone, so he could not watch Mark interact with his friends and family like he might want to. However, even being alone with him, Alec could learn how sweet he was.

He always helped clean Alec up when they were finished, and his parting kisses tasted sweet even when they had had nothing sugary to eat, just because Mark tasted that way, Alec supposed. A couple of times, before they made love, Mark brought some ice cream or food for them to eat, sometimes he would feed it to Alec, watch for his reaction. He brought strawberries sometimes, for he loved strawberries, and he had fed them to Alec until they were quite content, and then their lips had tasted even sweeter, and Alec had lapped them all up.

He was fond of Mark, he found. He enjoyed their moments together and who they were to each other. He liked being kissed by Mark, even if Mark was still trying to understand himself.

It was three weeks into their relationship, whatever that may be, when Mark began to show some hesitation. It wasn’t much, it was just that, after Alec had asked if he had figured it out yet, Mark had paused. He had thrown him a smile afterwards, but it had been enough that Alec thought he might have figured it out.

However, the next evening, they met at the river and made love on the bank before they cleaned in the cool water, touching each other and rubbing their hands all over the other’s body. But, just after they had dressed and Alec went to walk back again, Mark grabbed his wrist.

He didn’t say anything, he just sat down in the imprints they had made in the grass and waited. Alec did not hesitate before he sat down next to him.

“I suppose you figured it out, then,” Alec said, feeling Mark leaning into him but not noting anything about it. It was only slight, but he could feel it, and he wondered just what it meant.

“In a way,” Mark said, staring out into the dark waters that reflected the moon in its distorted manner.

Alec waited for him to explain, not wanting to jeopardise anything Mark was going to explain or say. Mark had something to say and Alec had found it was easier to just let him speak than to encourage it out of him.

“I thought you might help me realise maybe I didn’t like men,” Mark said. “Because that would help other things in my life make sense. I thought it would slot other pieces of the puzzle into place and I would be able to make sense of everything I feel.”

“And what did I do instead?”

“You made me realise that I like men.”

“And that is a problem because…?”

“Because…” Mark began but stopped before he could explain anything else. He paused for a long while and Alec thought he might stop speaking altogether, that this conversation was over. But then he spoke again, quiet and unsure. “Because I like women as well.”

Alec laughed as quietly through his nose as possible. He didn’t want to hurt Mark, and he understood why he thought this was an issue given the state of the world, but to believe this was such a tragedy was comical to Alec. His family would love him whatever, friends would care none if they were true friends. Most of the world was a state, but not all of it, and to think this was a tragedy was as sweet as Mark holding Alec’s hand when they walked together because he thought that was the thing to be done.

“Why is that a problem?” Alec asked, hoping to get through to Mark and help him understand his sexuality was as normal as anyone else’s and that he should be proud of it, not ashamed.

“Because I had hoped I would like one sex to make my other problems disappear,” Mark said, sighing and lying down in the grass. Alec watched him, brow furrowed.

“What are your other problems?”

“I believe I am in love with Kieran _and_ Cristina,” Mark practically spat out, closing his eyes, likely wishing the world away.

It made more sense then, Alec thought. To love two people at the same time was a travesty because, to have your heart pulled in two directions and to not know who to go after made life intrinsically more difficult. Alec presumed Mark had wanted to be with Alec so he could figure out if his pull to Kieran was stronger than his pull to Cristina, but, it would appear, he had found out nothing.

It was difficult for Alec to know what he should say. He didn’t know how to console Mark or what to offer to help him in his decision. Alec hadn’t had a problem like that. He had wanted Michael at the same time as Magnus because Michael had given him attention when Magnus had not. But he had not loved Michael like he had loved Magnus, and he could only imagine how difficult it must be to love two people equally at the same time.

“I don’t know what to do,” Mark said, eyes still closed. “I don’t know how to go forward now that I know who I am.”

“Do either of them know?”

“Kieran and I have been together a couple of times,” Mark said. “But I stopped when I realised how I felt about Cristina. It seemed… unfair.”

“On who?”

“Me,” Mark said, and Alec smiled gently at him even though he could not see him. “I know they would both have me.”

“Well, isn’t that a tragic tale?” Alec asked, and Mark opened one eye to glare at him. “How do you know?”

“They’ve both said as much. But I don’t know how to choose.” Mark paused, opening his other eye and staring up at the dark sky. “I know how it sounds and I know I am being spoiled and that I am being ungrateful, but I don’t know how to move forward.”

“Do they know how you feel?” Alec asked. “Do they know about each other and how you feel about them both?”

“I think so,” Mark said. “I’ve not been explicit, but I believe they are aware of the circumstances.”

“And do they know about me?”

“No,” Mark said. “I don’t think I want them to know. No offence, I don’t mean that I don’t like you or value you-.”

“That’s okay, Mark,” Alec said, smiling. “I’m not offended. I understand.”

“I came to you to try and figure things out, and it hasn’t worked,” Mark said. “So, since that hasn’t worked, offer me guidance, Alec.”

“And what am I supposed to say?”

“I don’t know,” Mark said, exasperated. “That’s why I’m asking.”

Alec smiled at him again, turning around and lying on his stomach to look down at Mark. “What makes you think I have any answers you don’t?”

“You’re older than me?”

“By just under four years,” Alec said. “That is not enough time to figure things out about love.”

“Alec!” Mark complained. “Help me.”

Alec laughed and pressed his lips, gently, to Mark’s to calm him for a moment. Mark did not seem much more settled than he had been before the kiss, but Alec was still smiling at him.

“That does not help me,” Mark said. “As nice as it is.”

Alec laughed. “Mark Blackthorn, you are very sweet, but you are also very dumb.”

Mark thinned his eyes at him.

“You have two people very dear to you who love you very much, yes?” Alec asked, Mark nodding. “And you love them, yes?... Right, I have never been in a situation like this so my advice is nothing more than an observer’s advice, but I would say stop fucking me, maybe take a deep breath, and think it through.”

“I’ve been doing that for a year.”

“And then you and I did what? We did things that would likely confuse your mind that was already beyond confused.”

“But…” Mark began but could not finish his thought. He sighed and closed his eyes again. “What if that doesn’t help?”

“Then you date them both,” Alec said, smiling at Mark rolling his eyes in an obvious action despite his eyes being closed. “It could work.”

“Hm,” Mark hummed, unconvinced.

“I’m sorry I was no help,” Alec said, sitting up. However, before he could stand, Mark grabbed his wrist again to stop him.

“You were helpful,” Mark said, sitting as well and kissing Alec slowly on the lips, a final kiss, Alec thought. “I hope you don’t think it was a waste of time. I enjoyed it. You’re very nice, Alec. I do like you a lot.”

Alec smiled. “I don’t think it was a waste of time. I’m honoured you thought I could help you figure this out. I enjoyed it, too.”

Mark smiled also, and then they both stood and walked back to their villas, not to make love ever again. Of course, Mark did have a piece of his heart, but it wasn’t a piece of Alec’s heart he regretted giving. None of them were, really, but this one Alec was happy to give away because Mark was sweeter than he knew. He was complicated and he didn’t know himself truly yet, but he was sweet, and Alec did not mind giving Mark a part of his soul.

The next day, he received a phone call from Magnus and, after greeting each other and general questions, Magnus asked after Mark.

“Did he figure out whatever he needed to figure out?” Magnus asked.

“In a way,” Alec said, using Mark’s words. “We are no longer a thing.”

“Oh.” Magnus paused. “And how are you feeling about that?”

“Fine,” Alec said, smiling. “He’s very sweet.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“So, you’re not too upset?”

Magnus had added the ‘too’ because he knew Alec got attached. Whilst Alec was not distraught, a part of him would miss Mark, as he knew would be the case. That was who he was, and Magnus knew him well enough to see that.

“No,” Alec replied. “I’m not. I’m quite happy, actually.”

“I’m glad,” Magnus said.

And so was Alec, for he did like Mark and he wished him well.

It was a few years later that Alec heard Mark was, indeed, dating them both. Alec saw Mark often after their short summer together, but it was never more than a pleasant greeting, never more than them being friends with each other. When Mark told Alec he had taken them both up in a relationship, he had seemed bashful but Alec was happy for him. If he had found happiness, Alec was glad.

They did see each other a lot, until Mark moved away from Italy with Kieran and Cristina in tow, and it was always pleasant. Mark never told either of them he had been with Alec, and Alec did not begrudge him for it. They had had a nice few weeks together, and Alec was happy to leave it at that. It didn’t always have to be something more, even if everyone he was with did get a chunk of his heart. Mark had a little piece, a pleasant piece, and Alec was glad he had it.


	43. Jonathan

After Magnus, there was Jonathan.

It took many months for Alec to acquire the necessary reputation to tutor children outside of school but, considering the languages he knew and considering his mother’s reputation, it worked out. It was enough to get him a sizeable sum, but he would not have been able to live off it, and, so, he was glad he was living at the villa where things were paid for and he did not have to pay rent or bills.

Working life, however, was hard, and he was glad for the summer break he received at the end of his first year working. He could teach over the summer like he taught over Christmas and Easter, but he felt it only fair to himself and to the children if he did not tutor. It gave everyone a well-deserved break.

His sister was not coming here this year. She was working in New York, living with Simon. It was odd. She had come here last year and, even though it had only been for a week, she had still been here. Alec wouldn’t know how to deal with an entire summer without her. Their family was fracturing as Max was staying behind with their father in the States, and Alec did not know what to do with the information that their family was growing up and apart. He supposed that was life, but it was still difficult to deal with in the moment.

He was surprised to see Clary was already there when Alec came home for the summer, Jace there as well. Alec went to her, greeting them both and asking why they were here. It was only then Alec saw a stranger in their company with platinum hair and green eyes the colour of meadows. Alec wasn’t sure he had ever seen him before, though he did look familiar and Alec couldn’t place him.

“Alec, this is my brother,” Clary said when she saw him looking. “Jonathan.”

It clicked then that this was one of Clary’s twin brothers whom he had seen in pictures but never met because he spent the summers in New York with their father whilst Clary had come to Italy to be with their mother and step-father. Alec had only understood the arrangement because she said one of her brothers was as foul as her father and she did not speak about them often. He wasn’t sure which one was the foul one, but he hoped it was not this one.

Jonathan held out his hand and Alec shook it.

“Seb was going to come,” Clary said, her tone different now. “But I said he would hate it and made sure he didn’t.”

“Seb’s the other brother,” Jonathan clarified. “In case you didn’t know. He prefers to be with dad anyway.”

“And what do you prefer?” Alec asked.

“Usually what I’m told to do,” Jonathan said, smiling a beautifully, soft smile. “Clary said I should come here, and here I am.”

“I’ve told you to come before,” Clary said, rolling her eyes. “He’s only coming now because he doesn’t have to depend on dad anymore. But,” Clary began, pointing her finger at Jonathan before he could say anything else. “We’re not going to talk about that any longer because I do not think about dad or Sebastian when we are in Italy, and you should do the same.”

Jonathan held his hands up in innocence and smiled his soft smile again. Clary jabbed her finger at him to make her point and then let it go. Alec didn’t know just what exactly was wrong with their brother and father, but he decided not to ask.

Alec stayed with them for the entire day, learning more about Clary and her sibling, learning things he had never considered before. It was different and interesting, and Alec learned a different side to Clary he had not seen before. Jonathan was very sweet and Alec couldn’t imagine their other sibling being so awful if Clary and Jonathan were like this, but he did not query it.

He invited them to stay with him for dinner, Bridget no longer coming to see them for the summer as she had gotten quite old and was staying with her family in the comfort of her own home, and Alec would be cooking. Maryse still had some more tutoring to do, so it was his villa for a few days before she came home and he was quite happy to host for his dearest friend, her boyfriend, and her brother for the evening.

It was after dinner where things got interesting. Jace and Clary had vacated to see the ocean, Jonathan offering to help wash up and then asking for a tour of their orchard. It was a humid night and Alec was happy to take him through the different trees and which ones would be ripe soon.

It was there where Jonathan said, “Clary showed me a picture she had painted of you a couple of years ago, and I’ve wanted to come ever since.”

Alec looked at him from where he was stood on a stool, observing the fruit from underneath the moonlight. “Firstly, why? Secondly, why haven’t you come sooner?”

Jonathan was smiling again, smiling still as he answered. “Firstly, because you are quite handsome and Clary said you’d had boyfriends, so…”

“So everyone talks about me to men who like men,” Alec said, smiling.

“It’s not so easy finding men who like men,” Jonathan said. “I think we take it where we can.”

Alec snorted.

“To answer your second question,” Jonathan began, pointedly ignoring Alec’s snort. “I could not get away until this year.”

“Get away? Aren’t you twenty-one?”

“Yes, but my father has quite the hold on us,” Jonathan said.

“So, why could you get away this year but not any other year?”

“My father found out I was bisexual. He caught me kissing another boy in May, and that wasn’t any fun. Seb called me a confused queer, and dad said I was sent by the Angel to test his faith. I mean, I don’t know why I’m the poor sod that was chosen to test their faith, but there we go. So, I decided it would be nice to spend the summer here before I have no idea what I’m doing with my life.”

Alec was unsure what to say to such powerful words, to things that were troublesome and awful. No one deserved to have such things said about them or to them, and it almost threw Alec to hear them said so casually.

“But, let’s not talk about that,” Jonathan said even before Alec could think of a response. “I’m here to ask you on a date.”

Alec started, almost thrown again. “A date?”

Jonathan smiled his gentle smile and nodded.

“You want to ask me on a date?”

“That is what I said.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re handsome-.”

“Because I like men?” Alec asked. “There has to be more in common for people to want to date than just their sexuality, Jonathan.” He wasn’t trying to be harsh, just realistic.

Jonathan’s smile did not falter once. “I’m aware. But I think you’re nice. I just haven’t had a lot of nice, that’s all. Don’t make it a pity date, please. But I would just like something nice, Alec.”

Sitting with it for a minute, watching Jonathan’s smile as it stayed on his lips, watching and waiting for his answer, Alec supposed there was no harm in it. It would be a pleasant summer with Jonathan, with someone kind and gentle. A date was a date, Alec hadn’t had many of them, really, in his time, and it didn’t have to mean much more than a date, as that was all it was.

“Where would you like to go?” Alec asked, pleased that Jonathan’s smile brightened.

“I don’t know many spots here. You have to know the best place for dates. You tell me where we should go.”

“There’s a gelato place in town, if you like gelato.”

“I’ve never had Italian gelato,” Jonathan said. “I would like that very much.”

Alec smiled and nodded and could say no more because Jace and Clary returned from their walk.

Jonathan met Alec the next morning at his door and they walked to town together. Their chat was pleasant, as Jonathan was, in general, a pleasant person. He hadn’t had the nicest of lives living with his brother and father, and Alec learned so much about him in just their walk and eating together from a shared bowl. They talked about a lot of things in as much time as they had during the morning and afternoon, Alec inviting him to dinner as well. Jonathan said he would love to, but he had already been invited elsewhere, and the last thing he would ever wished to be viewed as was rude.

It ended with Alec walking Jonathan back to where he was staying with Clary and kissing him only on the cheek. He promised to see Jonathan again and intended to keep that promise.

They went on another date a couple of days later where Alec took him to the river. Jonathan held his hand and played with the skin over his knuckles, kissing his fingertips at every opportunity. Alec watched him fondly, enamoured with the gentle way Jonathan existed. It was such a contrast to how he spoke about his brother existing. He was a soft and loving soul, and Alec was glad he had come to Italy this summer.

They kissed that evening, gentle as the setting sun. There was nothing harsh or sharp about him, he was a gentle soul and he calmed Alec’s entire being just by existing in his presence. It was nothing more than a kiss, and Alec felt his soul filled for just a moment.

When Jonathan asked if they might have sex, Alec could not deny him it for even a second. The honest and gentle way he existed inspired the same way he asked things, and Alec could not deny a man something when asked it so genuinely. They made love a few days later, perhaps the gentlest Alec had ever been. He filled Jonathan in gentle thrusts, kissed their mouths numb, no teeth and no biting, just lips and love.

Their summer together was filled with all things gentle and calm. There were no edges to Jonathan, he was an open and easy book. Whenever he wanted to be kissed, Alec could tell in an instant. If he wanted a calm conversation about the world and nothing more, Alec would stop writing or reading and sit with him without hesitation. If he wanted to go for a walk and be out of the hot and humid house, Alec could tell by the way he looked out of the window. There were no secrets, no hesitations, no apprehensions in Jonathan’s world, and Alec had an undying desire to please him, to give him pleasure of which he had not received much of in his life at home.

Alec watched him as he stared out of the window now, wishing for a walk and saying it with his eyes, his green eyes illuminated by the bright rays. He was an Angel, Alec thought, gifted to this earth, born to endure what the world decided he must, and unaffected by it. Alec was glad Jonathan had chosen him to spend his summer with, a gift from a gentle Angel.

“Shall we go for a walk, Jonathan?” Alec asked, smiling when Jonathan nodded.

Alec closed his book and stood, crossing the room and taking Jonathan’s hand and they left as a pair. They walked a scenic route, allowing their hands to stay connected as they went. It was warm, but Alec would take these gifts from his Angel despite a slight discomfort.

“Who’s Magnus?” Jonathan asked as they walked beside a cliff, unseen and undisturbed.

Alec would have stopped walking if Jonathan seemed bothered by his question. He carried on moving, taking only a slight comfort from Jonathan’s unmoving hand.

“Why?” Alec asked, quiet, voice breaking for a moment. He, so rarely, heard his name sounded aloud. It was so jarring to hear his name said, particularly by someone who shouldn’t really know his name. Well, maybe he should because he knew Clary who knew Jace who knew Magnus, but it was odd to be asked that question anyway.

“I wanted to write a letter to my brother,” Jonathan began. “And you said there was paper in one of your drawers. I looked through and found an awful lot of letters-.”

“You read my letters?” Alec asked, almost smiling. There was no malice in anything Jonathan did and Alec felt no issue in Jonathan knowing about Magnus because he asked everything in earnest. There was nothing underhanded about him.

“I didn’t read them,” Jonathan clarified. “But I glanced at a few, and there are so many from Magnus. I just wondered who he might be.”

“He was my first love,” Alec said, unbothered if Jonathan knew. Jonathan would likely want to hear the story. He wouldn’t be bothered by Magnus still being in his life, not when this was a summer love and Jonathan was the way he was. “He was here a few years ago now, but we talk all the time.”

“You still love him?” Jonathan asked, honestly and not with any envy.

“Probably,” Alec said, content with the idea by now. “He’s very special to me.”

“But you’re not still together?”

“Long distance isn’t for me,” Alec said. “And he married a short while after we were together.”

“Ah.”

“Mhm.”

“But you love him all the same,” Jonathan said, understanding. “It’s not painful, then, to talk to him all the time?”

“I don’t think I could live without it.”

They stopped by the edge of a cliff that overlooked the ocean.

“I’ve never known a love like that,” Jonathan said. “I envy you.”

“I don’t think you’re capable of envy.”

Jonathan laughed through his nose. “Everyone has their flaws.”

“And yours is not envy, Jonathan.”

Alec smiled at him, Jonathan smiling back. They kissed gently as a breeze slipped through their hair and spent the rest of the day sitting and watching the world, leaning on each other.

He grew so fond of Jonathan, Alec wasn’t sure how much of his heart he would take from him when he left. Undoubtedly, Jonathan would move away and live another life, and Alec was counting down the days again. It was always the way. Everything he had was going to end, every relationship he had ever been in was destined to end, destined to have a finality. Sure, a lot of relationships did, but Alec had suffered through every one counting down the seconds, the minutes, the hours, the days, the weeks. Every man he had loved or adored had left him exactly when their time was up, and Alec was usually left wanting more and feeling emptier for it.

His letter to Magnus said as much, saying he never felt he could love someone fully for it would break him beyond measure. There was a part of him always missing because it was put into counting down the time he had to give his love to another. It made him ache, it made the world sepia. It could be so brilliant and bright when he felt love, and it felt so dark when he was alone again.

“What are you going to do when the summer ends?” Alec asked, wondering if there was a chance he might stay. Maybe this one would work, maybe this one had a chance. Jonathan was a gentle soul, Alec didn’t think him possible of breaking his heart.

“I’m not sure.” Jonathan was lying on Alec’s side, Alec reading and Jonathan doing seemingly nothing but admire Alec and getting lost in his thoughts. “I can’t go back home.”

“Would you consider staying here?”

Jonathan pushed himself up and looked down at Alec. “And do what?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know what you dream of doing.”

“I’ve never really had to dream of doing anything,” Jonathan said. “I was always told I’d follow my father, do what he said I had to do. This freedom I have is great, but it is sorely overwhelming.”

“There’s nothing you want?”

“You,” Jonathan said, smiling and kissing Alec once on the lips. “Ambition-wise, not so much.”

“But you’re going to go at the end of summer?”

Jonathan nodded. “I have to.”

“Why?”

“Because I have to go back with my sister. I have a sort of purpose with her, I suppose. I know it’s following her like I followed my father, but she will allow me to figure things out for myself in an easier way than he ever would, and she will be easier to take my leave from than he would.”

Alec nodded once. He had let a sliver of hope climb into him, a chance that Jonathan would not break his heart. But he would. His heart was broken beyond repair, and Jonathan would shatter it again. It was ridiculous to put so much faith in one person, to grow so attached so easily, but it was the way he was. It was how his heart led him, how he existed. He put so much responsibility in the men he loved, he gave them so much power, and it never worked. And, yet, he could not stop.

“Believe me,” Jonathan began, settling down on Alec’s body again. “I would stay here forever given the opportunity-.”

“The opportunity is there.” Alec didn’t know why he bothered, but he always did. “You’re welcome here, to stay here. I tutor here sometimes, I don’t ever travel father than here. You _can_ stay.”

“I don’t mean the opportunity to stay, because I know you would have me here, Alec. I mean the opportunity within me, the opportunity in my ambitions. As I do not know my ambitions, I don’t know where my opportunities are. I wish I knew them, so I could stay. But I don’t know them, Alec. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry.”

“But I am.” Jonathan kissed his cheek. “I do like you a lot. I wish it could be different.”

“Me, too.”

“In another life…”

Alec laughed lightly through his nose. In another lifetime, Alec might be with Magnus, or maybe with Zach, maybe with George. In another lifetime, he and Jonathan might have a chance together. In another lifetime, he could be public with his affections and he could marry the men he loved. In another lifetime, he would not know this heartache.

But it was not another lifetime. This lifetime was the one he had been given, and he did not see how he would profit from wishing for something else. Wishes were just that and Alec could not live off false hopes.

The next day, after he and Jonathan had gone for a walk and kissed underneath the weeping willows, the phone rang. Jonathan had answered it casually as Alec went to get them some freshly squeezed juice and he returned to Jonathan still on the phone. Alec quirked his brow at him and waited, wondering if the call had been for Jonathan after all.

“Well, Magnus,” Jonathan said, smiling as he saw Alec realise who was on the phone. “Your Alec is right here, and I shall pass the phone to him… I’m sure… It was lovely to talk to you, too.”

Jonathan’s smile was bright and unjudging as he passed the phone. He kissed Alec on the cheek and took his glass from him, disappearing to give him his privacy.

“Hi,” Alec said, sitting down and smiling into the phone.

“He is very nice,” Magnus said, and Alec could hear his smile.

“He is.” Alec laughed gently. “Did he say anything I should be aware of?”

“No,” Magnus said. “He’s very fond of you. You told him about me?”

“He asked who you were. I told him, and he thought nothing of it. He’s sweet.”

“I’m glad you have someone to fill your time, particularly with no guests again this year.”

“Mm. Mum said they should resume next year, so, hopefully…”

“Hopefully you’ll have someone to stare at.”

“Oh, I hope to Raziel there is.”

He heard Magnus’ laugh and was filled with love then, from Magnus and from Jonathan. He did not know what he was going to do when Jonathan left him and he was rendered empty and alone once again.

When Jonathan did leave, Alec kissed him until he could kiss no more. Alec wanted him to stay so he did not know heartache any longer. He wanted his heart to be repaired, he wanted someone to pick through the pieces and put him back together. Jonathan had been so gentle and so loving, Alec had almost entrusted him with that task, but then Jonathan was going to leave him like everyone else and his heart would be shattered once more.

He wasn’t sure why this one hurt so much. He wasn’t sure why he lay in bed after Jonathan had gone and why he stared at the ceiling with his eyes watering, but he ached. He had been broken so many times, he was sure no one could put him back together. He was sure he would be broken and doomed and full of aches for the rest of his days. He was sure he was broken forever.

The next day, he received his letter from Magnus and he read it three times over for every word from Magnus was a blessing and he would hold each one to his heart. It was a little bit of the repairing he needed, a little piece put back where it belonged.

_My dearest Alexander,_

_I know how much you ache and I know you wish it another way, but you have so much love to give, darling. Despite your shattered heart, you still hand it over to every man you love, and I envy you for that. I know you feel jaded, I know you feel there is no possible way to feel full again, but I am sure you will find it._

_Jonathan seemed very sweet, and I’m sure you were set on him as you have been with so many others, and I know it hurts as much as the last that you are no longer together. Despite what you make yourself think, you give everyone your love because you are hopeful it will be returned in its fullest. The only problem with that, darling Alexander, is that you give so much love, it cannot be returned in its fullest. You put everything your heart has to offer when you give love, Alexander, and so few can return that. It seems cruel that your heart should be so full and so broken each time, but do not let that change you._

_When Jonathan leaves, do not feel such sorrow, Alexander. Feel loved. It is what you deserve. The world cannot give it to you the way in which you deserve it, but I want you to know that you are loved._

_There are so many more things I want to say to you, so many more things you deserve to hear, but writing them is so difficult when I believe it so fully and I’m not sure you do. Know that you are loved, Alexander, know that anyone who meets you will see how much love you deserve, they will see how special and enlightening you are, darling._

_I wish I could write more, but there are not enough words in all the languages combined for me to explain exactly how I feel and how the world feels for you._

_Write soon, darling,_

_Magnus xx._

Alec cried for a thousand things that night, and most of them revolved around loss.


	44. Magnus

The next year went by without anything very interesting happening; he taught, he saw friends and family, he got by. It was a rather uninteresting year really, but Alec was almost glad for that. He needed some calm and quiet to repair his soul, to mediate the aches he had been brought through his life.

The summer back in Italy was a fine thing, Alec looking forward to doing nothing for six weeks. He had the villa to himself for the entirety of his stay. There would not be another soul there for his family were doing many other things that would not allow them back to the villa for the summer. He might see the Blackthorns, catch up with them, he might see Clary, Jace, maybe even Jonathan, he might do a thousand things. He was looking forward to each of them, looking forward to a summer of relaxation and meditation, a soothing remedy to his aching soul.

“Sei tutto solo quest'estate?” one shopkeeper asked when Alec was buying groceries for the week. News travelled fast in their little town and Alec did not begrudge it any longer.

“Sì,” Alec replied, bagging his things.

“Sei fortunato.”

“Sì,” Alec replied, throwing her a smile as he took his bags. He bid her goodbye and left.

As he rounded a corner, he bumped into someone because he had been distracted by a young couple holding hands beside the statue in town. He was always distracted by easy and casual displays of affection, and it was no different now.

“Scusa,” Alec apologised, looking up at the person he had collided with and stopping in his tracks.

For a moment, he was dreaming. For a moment, he was seventeen, in Italy, in love with a handsome man who could never be his completely. For a moment, his heart was no longer in a million, unmatchable pieces, but it was full and his soul was mended and his chest was not a cavity.

Then he was out of that moment and thrust back into reality where he was stood in front of Magnus Bane and the years had changed between them.

Words would not leave his throat. It had closed up and was worthless as he stood before Magnus. His heart beat erratically, his mind running faster than he could comprehend. There were a thousand things he wanted to ask, a thousand more he wanted to say, but nothing was working. It was an impossibility and Alec could not understand it.

Magnus smiled at him, though it was tight and it did nothing to make Alec feel calmer.

“Wh… Wh, wh, wh…” Alec could manage little more than that.

Magnus smiled again.

“Uh…” Alec closed his eyes tightly, reconfiguring his mind before he opened them again. “Hello.”

“Hi,” Magnus replied, his voice mellifluous and incomprehensible to Alec’s ears. Magnus ran a hand through his own hair and Alec found himself watching it, bemused and baffled and discombobulated by the lack of a ring he found on Magnus’ fourth finger on his left hand.

Alec continued to stare at it as Magnus dropped his hand, brow furrowed and confusion overwhelming, his heart understanding nothing and pounding over and over, so loud he was sure Magnus could hear it. Magnus paused as he studied Alec’s gaze, found where it was staring, and smiled again.

“I, uh,” Magnus began, Alec still staring at his hand. “I always wanted to tell you-.”

“You got divorced?” Alec interrupted, finally dragging his gaze up Magnus’ body and settling it on Magnus’ eyes. There was so much confusion and hurt and pain and almost optimism rising within him and he did not know where to put it. Nothing was real. Alec was trying to understand a thousand things at once, trying to make sense of who was in front of him and what was going on, trying to make it real though it could not possibly be so.

“I never married,” Magnus corrected, his smile tight and concerned.

“What?” Alec asked, breathless. “You… You’ve never been… You’re not… How… What?”

“Shall we have this conversation somewhere else?” Magnus asked, glancing at the store Alec had just left and then at the square where a few people were dotted about, talking, uninterested in them for the moment.

“You never said anything,” Alec said, ignoring Magnus completely. “You never got married and you let me think you were for six years. Why didn’t you say anything?”

Alec was suddenly filled with the worry that Magnus had never loved him like Alec had loved him. He was worried their summer had not meant as much to Magnus as it had meant to him. It filled him with dread and ache, and he might have cried if he was not filled with so much overwhelming relief that he was seeing Magnus again.

“I wrote it more times than I can remember in my letters,” Magnus said. “I wrote it so many times and I wanted to say it in every phone call, I wanted to tell Jace or Clary to say something to you when they saw you, but… I wasn’t sure how it would look. I didn’t want you to think something of it that it wasn’t.”

“That’s not fair,” Alec said. “You could have said something. You should have.”

“I wanted to. Alexander, you have no idea how often I wrote it down and had to rewrite the entire letter because of it. I just remember, you seemed so happy when you were with someone, I didn’t want to take that away.”

“You didn’t tell me because I was with someone else?”

“In a way, yes.”

“Fuck,” Alec cursed, rubbing his face with his free hand.

“You were happy.”

“And you weren’t,” Alec said. “Jace said you weren’t happy. Was that my fault?”

Magnus looked confused for a moment, and then shook his head. “Your happiness was mine.”

“It’s the other way around as well.” Alec took a deep breath though it did little to help him. “It is, obviously, the other way around as well.”

“I know…” Magnus sighed. “It was just too hard to write it down.”

“How did it happen?” Alec asked. “Why didn’t you get married?”

Magnus sighed again. He started walking and Alec could not stand still and watch Magnus walk away again. As they walked to a more serene area where few people ever came, Magnus began speaking again, and Alec would always listen.

“After Christmas, when Etta and I came, she wanted to make it a regular trip. She was talking about it and talking about Italy, and I came back never wanting to go with her again. I couldn’t face it, I couldn’t bring myself to come back here as a married man and watch you suffer. It hurt me, it made me feel like I betrayed you, like our summer was tainted.

“It was only a few days before I told her who you were to me. I wasn’t going into it expecting our engagement to be ended. I didn’t want her to feel betrayed either, I just wanted her to know what we had been.

“At first, when I just explained how dear our summer was to me, she was understanding. She knew I’d been with men before, so it wasn’t a shock to her. She said she thought something like that was the case anyway with how we seemed over Christmas. I wanted to leave it at that, but I just… I couldn’t.

“I think she could tell because we got into quite the argument. I never thought she had rage in her, but she certainly did. I think she was angriest about me leading her to think we could be married, angriest that I had said I had become a man who could marry someone when that had not been the case at all. She was furious, and I deserved it, I don’t deny that.

“She gave the ring back that evening. I have not seen her since.”

Magnus paused, and Alec let him have his silence. It was a lot to take on, particularly how it confirmed Magnus had thought their summer dear enough to abort any future he might have. That much was more of a relief than he could handle, but he was overwhelmed by the possibilities he had never considered before that might be real now.

“I was in love,” Magnus said after the longest of pauses.

Alec nodded for he was sure it was true. He wouldn’t want to marry Etta if he did not love her, and Alec was sure he did. It had just been painful at the time.

“Just not with her,” Magnus finished, looking at Alec slowly.

They had never uttered the words to each other before. Alec had known them, he had felt them, he had wanted to say them. It was such an odd and wonderful thing to hear them said.

“You _were_ in love?” Alec asked.

The smile Magnus sent him filled Alec ten times over. Where he had been broken, where his heart had shattered, Magnus had the pieces, and the smile he sent him made him feel like he was handing it all over. His heart might have been given to many different men, but Magnus could give so much of it back that he might feel full again.

“I think I still am,” Magnus said, gently, stopping where he was at the riverside they had come to.

Alec stopped in front of him, looking at him with nothing but adoration in his eyes for that was, exactly, how he felt when he looked at Magnus. Years apart would not change that. Nothing would.

“Me, too,” Alec said for nothing else would fit.

“You’ve grown since I last saw you,” Magnus said, smiling at Alec as if all the problems in the world were nothing and all they needed was each other.

“Maybe,” Alec said. “I’m used to being the tallest. Only Zach was taller than me.”

“How tall was Zach?”

“Six foot, five.”

“Wow.”

“Mm,” Alec hummed, thinking it mad they could talk about such trivial things and glad for it all the same. “Where are you staying?”

“In a little hotel-.”

“Stay with me,” Alec said. “In the villa. There’s plenty of room.”

“I would have to ask your mother-.”

“She’s not here. No one is, we don’t have guests this year because she’s dealing with her divorce in New York. Max is with them. Izzy’s somewhere with Simon. It’s just… It’s just me.”

“Just you,” Magnus repeated, smiling. “No lovers this year, then?”

Alec laughed. “Mark is taken now and there’s no one else to choose from. Stay with me. Let’s go get your things, we’ll have an early dinner, then figure something to do.”

“Okay.”

“Yeah?”

“Sure,” Magnus replied. “I’m here for-.”

“I don’t want to know,” Alec interrupted. “I don’t want to know when you leave. Don’t tell me. Just, don’t.”

Magnus’ smile was gentle. He nodded once and they walked back to Magnus’ hotel, got his things, and then walked back to the villa, talking all the way. Even though they had kept in conversation for years, there was a thousand things to talk about, a thousand things they wanted to say to each other. They could have talked for hours and hours, but hunger got the better of them and they decided to put their time to cooking instead.

It was a touch early for dinner but they ate anyway. Their conversation was more reserved as they ate, but they still spoke for the time was theirs and Alec would not have it any other way.

“Would you like to see your room?” Alec asked when they were washing up, Magnus’ things still sat in the kitchen. “You can stay there, if you want.”

There was hope in his phrase, hope in his words. If Magnus stayed there, maybe he would stay in Alec’s bed instead, where he belonged, where Alec wanted him. He had not been there in six years, and Alec wanted him there now.

“I would like that,” Magnus said, grabbing his bag and following Alec up the stairs.

When they stepped through the door to Magnus’ room, Alec felt awash with the summer from six years ago. He felt young and in love, he felt the heat from that summer and the cool sheets of Magnus’ bed on his skin. It could have been six years ago if so much had not changed.

“It hasn’t changed a bit,” Magnus said, almost breathless.

He stepped into the room, Alec watching him as he took in all the details. Things here and there had changed, but it was the same. It was his room as it had been since the day he had arrived and Alec would ensure it stayed that way.

“I wouldn’t let them change it,” Alec said. “We had a refurbishment, I think I told you, a while back. They wanted to change some of the things here, maybe half the bathroom so there was one for each bedroom. I wouldn’t let them do it.”

Magnus laughed through his nose gently. He ran his fingers over the sheets and traced his way over to the desk, touching the wood and breathing in. Alec watched him, fond and in love. His heart was full because Magnus was where he should be, where he belonged to be, and it made Alec feel sane again.

“I don’t know why I came back,” Magnus said, back still turned to Alec. “Or, I don’t know why I came back now. I don’t know what changed this year.”

“Jonathan, maybe,” Alec answered for him, Magnus turning around at that, a silent question in his eyes. “I think I believed he was far too kind to break my heart like everyone else, and he did it all the same. I think my letters changed after that. There was more reservation in them. Maybe you came back because of that. I don’t know.”

“Maybe,” Magnus said. “Who knows.”

“I certainly don’t,” Alec replied, smiling brightly.

Magnus smiled back and turned to go out on the balcony. Not wanting Magnus out of his sight, Alec followed him onto the balcony, leaning against the warm metal as Magnus did.

“I have missed you so much,” Magnus said, observing the world before them as it moved, as it lived.

“I missed you, too,” Alec said, watching Magnus and not the world. “Were you with anyone else? At all?”

Magnus nodded. “Yes, a few times.” He continued to watch the world, absorbing the Italy he had been absent from for so many years. “But they just… I never wanted them to be you, I didn’t think it’s possible for anyone to compare to you… But I couldn’t help it. It was never the same…”

“You wanted it to be the same?” Alec asked, for he had never hoped for it to be like their summer as he knew nothing could be like their summer.

“I hoped. I knew I would never find someone like you.”

“You should have said.”

“I couldn’t. You were happy.”

“You have to know I would have said yes if you wanted to get together.”

“I couldn’t do that to you. Not to the men you were with.”

“Because you knew I would have said yes?”

Magnus sighed and Alec took it as a yes. Maybe that would have been cruel to the men he was with, and maybe Magnus had made the right decision, but Alec thought of all that wasted time. It hadn’t been wasted because he had been with men whose company he enjoyed, but it had been wasted because he could have been with Magnus, and Alec would take nothing over being able to be with Magnus.

“I came back to Italy once,” Magnus said after a pause.

“You did?”

Magnus nodded. “It was the Christmas you were with George, so you weren’t even here, but, it wasn’t… I couldn’t… I think it’s just not the same without you.”

“So, when you came back here this time, what did you expect? Did you think… we might…?”

Magnus shrugged. “I don’t know. Honestly, I just booked the flight and came back. I wanted to be here in the summer, I don’t know what I thought might happen… I wondered if Jonathan might be here, actually.”

Alec laughed. “He’s finding himself in Africa.”

“Is he now?”

“Yeah. Zach was in Africa last year, actually. He sent me a picture of himself with an elephant. It’s nice… Sorry, I shouldn’t talk about them.”

Magnus glanced at him, shaking his head before he looked out to Italy again. “I love hearing about them, Alexander. I don’t know why. I can’t imagine a lot of people would want to hear about it like I do, but I like knowing you were happy. I’m glad you had people who made you happy where I couldn’t.”

“They made me very happy.”

“I’m so glad.”

“Really?”

“Yes.” Magnus looked out for a long while and Alec could do nothing but watch him, never wanting him to leave his sight ever again.

Magnus turned to face him, their bodies close, heat radiating off each other. Alec could see how little he had aged, how he was just the same as he had been so many years ago. Alec had aged, grown into himself, into his skin and into his body. They stood together as men who had been in love in their more youthful days, and Alec wondered if that love would find them again.

He thought it just might when Magnus’ gaze travelled down to his lips for only a second, Alec having them parted just in case. Alec leaned in, consciously, subconsciously, he was not sure. All he knew was that he wanted to taste his lips again.

Summer consumed him when they kissed. It was six years ago when Alec knew no heartache, it was six years ago where summer was his and he could play and tease and be confused in peace, it was six years ago where the world could be his and he knew it. Magnus’ lips were his and they were warm and they were inviting and they were soft. They were each other’s and time would not come between them. Time was their friend, it was not their enemy, not the cause of their pain.

Alec had been denied the man he loved for six long years. He had him here now, in his arms, in his hands, he was not going to let go. However long Magnus was here for, it would be enough. This was not going to slip through his fingers now, he was never letting it go where he could not reach it.

Alec pulled him into Magnus’ room, wanting him gently but wanting him now. He would not be parted from him, he wanted Magnus bare, he wanted them to share pleasure, he just wanted Magnus. In every sense, he yearned for Magnus and he had craved him for so long he did not know how to control it any longer. It had become a part of his soul, it was a part of his every want and his every need, it had become a part of him to want Magnus, and there was no hope in controlling it when he could finally have him.

They tumbled towards the bed together, Magnus collapsing on top of him as they reached it. Magnus sat up, pulling his shirt over his head and starting on his belt. Alec reached up and ran his hands over his chest and stomach, touching his skin, touching _him_ in every way possible.

Magnus let him for a moment, but he was too eager in his desperation, in his hunger to let it linger, and he started pushing Alec’s shirt up his stomach. They shuffled to rid each other of every fabric that clung to their bodies, and Magnus ran his mouth over every inch of his skin, Alec revelling in it. It was a dream, it could not be real, but the heat of his mouth was far too prominent for Alec to think it anything other than reality.

Magnus smirked at Alec procuring the oil from his bedside table but did not hesitate in spreading Alec with his gentle and loving fingers and then covering himself in it. To have Magnus inside him again, thrusting and making love to him was more than Alec could believe to be real. He felt him, every inch of him, he felt the brush of his skin, the harsh line of his mouth, the fingers pressing bruises into his body, and it filled Alec’s cavity in his chest. The hole where his heart had been was reforming, Magnus holding the pieces.

They were bodies made one, lovers eternal. Nothing would come between them now, nothing could possibly tear them apart. They had known love and loss, and they were together again. Nothing else mattered, only the other and their happiness.

Alec touched him everywhere, his hands grabbing and holding Magnus wherever he could reach him. He called his name like a prayer, chanting ‘I love you, I love you, I love you’ and hearing it repeated into his lips as Magnus could not contain himself either. Their lips touched the other everywhere. Alec would not have his love restrained, and he would tell Magnus in his words and in his motions, holding his body as close as it could get, moving with him as one.

This was as perfect as life could get. There was not a single other thing on his mind, only Magnus and how much he loved him, how much he had wanted him. To be complete like this, to know what it was to be complete, Alec would have it no other way. This had been his haven, this had been his biggest craving, this had been all he had wanted for six years. To have it now, Alec felt full and loved. He felt Magnus’ love, and he would keep it in his heart and he would know what it was to have something he craved in his hands, in his mouth. He was not letting go, not ever.

Alec could barely control his orgasm as it rushed through him, spilling from his cock in hot pools. It consumed him, filled him and satiated every hunger he had ever known. He encouraged Magnus’ out of him, lapping up the pleasured moans he pulled from Magnus’ throat, his pleasure filling Alec until he spilled from him. Their pleasures were each other’s, and they lavished in what they could give the other.

Magnus cleaned Alec up like so many years ago and they shuffled to lie down together. Alec could stay in this perfect moment forever where he had been pleasured and lay with the man he loved. It was more like heaven than anything Alec knew.

“I love you,” Alec said, kissing Magnus again because, if his lips were right there, Alec was not going to hold back.

“And I love you,” Magnus replied, kissing Alec back for he would never deny himself the pleasure of kissing those lips he loved. “I love you so very much, Alexander.”

Alec smiled and rested his head on Magnus’ chest, content and in love. This was the world Alec wanted to live in. It felt like a dream, but Magnus’ body was so real, it could not be a dream, and Alec couldn’t believe Raziel had gifted him something so perfect, something so fulfilling.

“Let’s go to the beach,” Magnus said, kissing Alec’s cheek.

Alec sent him a look and returned to his previous position, holding him. “You go to the beach. I’m going to sleep.”

He felt Magnus’ laugh. “Come on.”

Magnus shifted and sat up. Alec scoffed but did the same, dressing in light clothes for the night was warm enough to warrant it.

They walked down together, holding hands as the moonlight shone upon them. The beach was deserted, so they found a spot in the middle and sat, side by side, Alec resting his head on Magnus’ shoulder with their knees tucked up. The sea and the world sat before them and his dearest love by his side.

Raziel had been so unkind, but Alec wondered if this truly was a gift from the Angel now. He had suffered and endured though, he supposed, having sex with gorgeous men who wanted his attention wasn’t really suffering. However, he had been parted from the man he adored most in this world, and that had been his suffering, and his heart had endured much pain because of it.

Now Magnus was here, and he felt loved and he felt full and he felt all his aches seep away. He would know pain no longer, Magnus was his and he was Magnus’. Alec would keep it that way forever. They had six years to make up for, and Alec would start now.

And tomorrow, well, tomorrow was another day Alec decided not to think about.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am heartbroken that this story has finally come to its end. 
> 
> Although I have written stories that I love and although I intend to write many more stories, this really has been my most loved and favourite fic that I have ever written. I do not know if I will ever write something I adore like this, and it’s so bittersweet that it is over now.
> 
> The response to this has been amazing, and I want to thank each and every one of you that has read it from the beginning until the end. Whether you read it week by week as it was posted or you’ve read it since it has been completed, I want to thank you. If you left comments or if you read silently, I want to thank you as well. This is my most beloved story, and I hope that those who have read it love it as well.
> 
> Again, I feel so heartbroken now it is over and this story won’t have any further chapters, but it has been an amazing journey, almost a year since the first chapter was posted, and I sincerely adored every second and every word.
> 
> Thank you all again, and I will see you next time x


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